Author Topic: Sometimes better and then, "BOOM"  (Read 1968 times)

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2chickiebaby

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Sometimes better and then, "BOOM"
« on: December 01, 2009, 07:07:35 PM »
I don't know whether I'm just too sensitive for my own good or what....(yes, I am! Duh)

I just think about son and his wife getting a hotel when here and it breaks my heart.  Even though I know she is controlling, he needed the control....blah blah blah....it still breaks my heart!  Why did that sweet guy marry her?  To be controlled...okay, got it. 

I should be glad they came by at all...okay, I am.  What did I expect from this?  A happy family....I begged them when they were little to always love each other.  They were appauled to even be talked to about this.  And then, it happened. 

My husband says, "he got married; that's what happened".  I know he did but I don't get it.  This house was filled with all the fun in the world and she couldn't control us so she tried to destroy us. 

I believe in my heart now that all this happened because of the control issue.  She just can't seem to get us under control.  She has, though...she's destroyed us.

Close DIL just won't allow the control.  She just won't do it.  Thanks for listening.  Whine whine. :'(

mom2

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Re: Sometimes better and then, "BOOM"
« Reply #1 on: December 01, 2009, 08:39:02 PM »
 CB,

My son, of all the women in the world, picked a snooty witch to marry.. a nut job! They have broke my heart so many times it isn't even funny. I don't even think I would want them to stay here.. I would be sooo uncomfortable ; I know you wouldn't actually want them either but it is just the idea of the hotel. It is all insane.. I'm insane, I know dil is, son is too. I feel sorry for my husband who has to hear it all the time.

Sassy

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Re: Sometimes better and then, "BOOM"
« Reply #2 on: December 02, 2009, 04:53:45 AM »
2chickie, is it possible they stayed in a hotel room just for their own privacy?    Is it also possible your son, and/or DIL, sense your unease being around her for long doses, and they thought everyone would actually be most comfortable that way? If you think about it, like mom2 wrote, you probably would not enjoy the stress of having them in your home 24, 48 hours. 

Hate to see a broken heart over a hotel room!  I honestly, truly don't think they stayed in a hotel room to hurt you. I think they did it only because it was what they wanted to do.  They also came to see you,  because they wanted to.  ;)

2chickiebaby

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Re: Sometimes better and then, "BOOM"
« Reply #3 on: December 02, 2009, 07:18:53 AM »
Thank you, Sassy....no, she did it to hurt me...they get really angry if any of us go to their town and don't stay with  them.  I can understand privacy; I love my privacy but when close DIL and son go there or WE go there, we have to stay with them or they get mad.

I will never do that again.  The woman is mean...she talks incessantly about her parents and how wonderful they are.  They stayed with them for a week before coming here.  These are the same people that she once told me were horrible and cruel to her.  She was wining and dining me, though.

It's hopeless....we fell for it. 

Sassy

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Re: Sometimes better and then, "BOOM"
« Reply #4 on: December 02, 2009, 03:20:15 PM »
Once DH created a facebook account to look at one of his employee's pages.  He doesn't use the site.  I got two notes from his relatives in the mail asking why your DH won't accept their friend requests.   They sounded hurt.  They expressed they felt rejection.  But they weren't rejected by him.  Nothing happened except a guy signed on a website for a day.

I understand why you take every move of DILs as suspect because of your history with her. 

Consider what's you'd risk, if you were to assume neutrality instead.  You don't risk hurt, because you're already hurt when assuming she means to hurt you.  What if you experienced seeing their actions, as if what they did was just all about them.

As if her talking about her parents after a week with them as if she enjoyed them, meant that accurate or not that was how she was going to recall the week: as if she enjoyed it.  And as you watch her talk you decide that DIL, DIL parents, and DIL talking about her parents are all DIL and about DIL,and what's going on with her world, not somehow a reflection of you.

As if the reason DIL wants you a their house has nothing to do with why she's at a hotel.  As if they're completely separate issues to her.  Say she just doesn't feel a sense of obligation to stay in your home, because you agree to stay at hers.  As if just wants to stay where she's comfortable: whether its at her home (obviously) or at a hotel when traveling.
Would that possibility hurt you less than thinking she didn't sleepover at your house just to hurt you

In the end her intentions don't affect you, though her actions do. Whatever's going on in her head, unless you make it matter to you, is utterly irrelevant.  See her at arm's length,  Perhaps just worth a try, to decide to interpret her actions as neutral, unrelated to you, and just let yourself enjoy yourself, your son, your family, your time together.

I don't know if I can offer you comfort in any other way than to suggest a change in experiencing her.

2chickiebaby

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Re: Sometimes better and then, "BOOM"
« Reply #5 on: December 02, 2009, 03:31:18 PM »
I'll try that, Sassy and many thanks to you for giving those thoughts.  They are worth a lot and I appreciate it.   :)

mom2

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Re: Sometimes better and then, "BOOM"
« Reply #6 on: December 02, 2009, 08:24:24 PM »
Sassy,

You did give some good tips in your post.. most situations could be handled better if we could always think the positive on why it happened ( like instead of staying in a hotel to hurt me , they wanted their privacy ) but the thing is.. it is so very hard to think the positive when we have been hurt so many many times by our dils ( and sons ). I know , don't think..I know that my dil has purposely done things to hurt me so it is hard for me to see the positive in what she does. I do have to admit that I should, at times, give her the benefit of the doubt though. I've had 10 yrs + to think about all this and if I had suddenly, without explanation started pushing my dil away from me, not liking her etc.. I could not blame her if she hated me ! ( that's what was done to me ). Does that make any sense ?

Sassy

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Re: Sometimes better and then, "BOOM"
« Reply #7 on: December 03, 2009, 05:47:18 AM »
I agree that seeing something DIL does as a positive is probably not likely.

I was suggesting adopting a position of neutrality.  That mindset that what DIL chooses to do, likely has nothing to do with "you" and everything to do with "her."  Her thoughts, her mind-set, her concerns, her desires, her world.  You're just witnessing it from front row seats.   If could be "you" sitting in those seats, it could be the next warm body, same thing.

Was trying to think of the possible risks of assuming neutrality? As long as you know you're being cordial, polite, reasonable, not-smothering (lol, referencing the other thread), which I think the MILs who come here to solve problems are, then you know you're doing things as right as you can, and that's honestly where your responsibility in the exchanges end.  When you get behind a ranting person at the store, you know it's not cause of you, but cause of them.   Well, DIL is ranting at your holiday table cause of DIL.

Sometimes the assumption of "what they're doing is all about them and not about me" can be dangerous in relationships; as in a workplace situation.  If your boss is grumpy, short and making passive aggressive comments, assuming it's all your boss' hangup can land you out of a job.   If its your spouse or someone you're emotionally close to and trust acting like that, it's safe to ask "is something bothering you."  I don't think a damaged DIL relationship with a damaged DIL falls in either of those categories.

Depersonalizing the actions of others is not easy at first, it takes practice and self-reminding, but it is effective.  You can get to the point where even if she states out loud her only mission is to hurt you, it still is all about her and her personal desire to hurt "people."  And its still not actually about you.

2chickiebaby

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Re: Sometimes better and then, "BOOM"
« Reply #8 on: December 03, 2009, 06:39:03 AM »
Sassy,
I have SO tried to follow this advice, since this isn't the first time I've heard it.  I know it's good but what she has done and continues to do, feels like it's all about me and her feelings toward me.

She was once a doll!!! Absolute doll....so sweet, just drippin with sugah on it.  It got to the point where when she changed so suddenly when they married that I was shell shocked.  I've seen her with other people and she can be different.  She can still do turn on the charm but it's still not like the sugah poured on us at first.

If I'm around it's back to her old, sulking self, arms folded, of course.

I know it's all about her.  What is it, though about her that makes her so insistant on treating me like she does?  This is a familiar pattern with DILs (many of them).  They do not like their MILs...want them banished from the castle!! NOW! 

I've heard so many heartbreaking stories that you just can't believe one person could go to this much trouble to get rid of one lone Momma.

I know it's about her.  She's a boorish, stomping, no sense of humored person who is on a mission.  Gosh!  It's relentless.  Get it done, mark it off the list.  What a life.

Sassy

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Re: Sometimes better and then, "BOOM"
« Reply #9 on: December 03, 2009, 08:44:14 AM »
chickie2... so DIL has a charming side.  She can still charm you and DH, sometimes (the wine and dine).   Just like when she's snooting, even when she's charming, its all about her.    Who else uses charm - salespeople.   The seducing lothario at  the meat market  bar, the charm is all for him.   For his benefit, not yours.   Means to an end; their own very personal end.  "You" don't matter, your role is objectified - a client, a trick, a mark, a piece. Sure you're engaged by the flash of charm and focus on you, someone wants some attentions from you and they're workin' it.   You feel flattered all while knowing you're just being charmed.    As soon as it clicks for him he's not going to get what he wants from you, that charm switch is off!  And they look for the next possible person to extract use from, and turn some charm back on, if and as they need to. 

You walk away knowing the guy's charm switch slipping on and off was never ever about you. Or up to you.   You sure didn't make him act like that.  Any more than him snubbing or sneering you later, is about "you".  He's all about him and what he wants, baby.   He doesn't need to use charm for you no more, is all that's actually going on. 

My DH's relatives would have been saved months of rejection had they considered all they actually knew of what happened was one day a guy went on a website.   One action from him did not equal another towards them. But they sure felt it did.

With DIL you might feel like a bit of a fool for enjoying the flattery of being charmed, but you can forgive yourself for just taking longer to realize that was pitch flattery.  Now when she turns it on again (because of whatever she wants at that time - cause it's all about her) , you can enjoy the charm - but the same way you enjoy a good sales pitch, fully knowing what it is.  All about her.
« Last Edit: December 03, 2009, 09:37:19 AM by Sassy »

2chickiebaby

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Re: Sometimes better and then, "BOOM"
« Reply #10 on: December 03, 2009, 08:58:27 AM »
I know what you mean, Sassy and I do thank you.  Her charm factor was "ON" full blast at first for sure.

One thing that haunts me is that one day this past summer, they came here and spent the night with us.  They called close DIL  and son to come over here, which I've explained adnauseum (sp)....close DIL and son did not come over.  It hurt me for distant DIL!

Distant DIL got furious and started stomping through the house, arms folded while they waited and waited for close DIL and son to come over.  They didn't.

I since have realized that close DIL is not going to do what she demands her to do!  She's just not.  She maintains her control too and is not going to be controlled by distant DIL. 

These people are wearing me out!  Why didn't I get Forrest Gump for a son and have Jenny as a DIL?  At least I'd know what I was dealing with. 

lilyofthevalley

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Re: Sometimes better and then, "BOOM"
« Reply #11 on: December 03, 2009, 09:44:33 AM »
But Chickie, "Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get"

I'm sorry I just couldn't resist.  I love that movie.

Sassy

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Re: Sometimes better and then, "BOOM"
« Reply #12 on: December 03, 2009, 10:08:37 AM »
The more you continue to step away from distant DIL and close DIL's negative interactions with each other,  the better it seems for you ?   Less negative fallout on you, for sure.

Keep on avoiding their thing between each other.   Try to get it to where what they do between each other is environmentally (carbon?lol) neutral for you.  No control over it, can't change it.   Just something going on, not happening to you.  You've decided it's no good use of energy to add extra fret that has nothing to do with you to your DIL experience with each of them.   Stay with that, I think.  Keep on clearing out those uneeded clouds

2chickiebaby

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Re: Sometimes better and then, "BOOM"
« Reply #13 on: December 03, 2009, 06:59:35 PM »
Sassy, will you help me understand what you said about "it being all about her?"  I really want to understand.  So if someone is acting out, it's not about the person they are acting out at? If someone is being rude, it is not because of you? 

I agree that seeing something DIL does as a positive is probably not likely.

I was suggesting adopting a position of neutrality.  That mindset that what DIL chooses to do, likely has nothing to do with "you" and everything to do with "her."  Her thoughts, her mind-set, her concerns, her desires, her world.  You're just witnessing it from front row seats.   If could be "you" sitting in those seats, it could be the next warm body, same thing.

Was trying to think of the possible risks of assuming neutrality? As long as you know you're being cordial, polite, reasonable, not-smothering (lol, referencing the other thread), which I think the MILs who come here to solve problems are, then you know you're doing things as right as you can, and that's honestly where your responsibility in the exchanges end.  When you get behind a ranting person at the store, you know it's not cause of you, but cause of them.   Well, DIL is ranting at your holiday table cause of DIL.

Sometimes the assumption of "what they're doing is all about them and not about me" can be dangerous in relationships; as in a workplace situation.  If your boss is grumpy, short and making passive aggressive comments, assuming it's all your boss' hangup can land you out of a job.   If its your spouse or someone you're emotionally close to and trust acting like that, it's safe to ask "is something bothering you."  I don't think a damaged DIL relationship with a damaged DIL falls in either of those categories.

Depersonalizing the actions of others is not easy at first, it takes practice and self-reminding, but it is effective.  You can get to the point where even if she states out loud her only mission is to hurt you, it still is all about her and her personal desire to hurt "people."  And its still not actually about you.