Author Topic: Suggestions on holidays;what to do  (Read 5929 times)

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Offline justanoldgrandma

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Suggestions on holidays;what to do
« on: June 12, 2011, 11:43:05 AM »
Removed by request of poster:  I am going to rephrase the story, so the responses make sense, simply as:   The poster doesn't get to spend holidays with her DIL and DS because they spend all their holidays with DILs FOO.


So..... our local churches don't need help on holidays.  What are some suggestions on ways to celebrate holidays so as not to be lonely and to enjoy the days w/o feeling lonely and alone and neglected?
Thanks!
« Last Edit: June 13, 2011, 10:03:05 AM by Pooh »

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Suggestions on holidays;what to do
« Reply #1 on: June 12, 2011, 11:51:13 AM »
Welcome…what we did when that happened for different reasons; my eldest son died and my younger son moved to Hawaii…was we went away. Sometimes to a lovely bed and breakfast, sometimes on an RV jaunt to an exotic spot…sometimes on a cruise. The house was too empty and we needed something to look forward and remember fondly afterward…not something to get though (endure) and try to forget. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline Barbie

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Re: Suggestions on holidays;what to do
« Reply #2 on: June 12, 2011, 12:17:08 PM »
Is there any way that your DIL's FOO could include the two of you on some of the ocassions? On the holidays that our DS isn't coming, we get together with our DD's in-laws and other times our FDIL's mother just so that we're not alone, it works out really good.

Offline Pen

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Re: Suggestions on holidays;what to do
« Reply #3 on: June 12, 2011, 12:55:13 PM »
We've got a similar issue, Justanoldgrandma. Oh, and welcome BTW!

You're not alone. I hope you find a way to deal with this that works for you. My DH & I are still trying to work it out; travel isn't possible usually (we have weird scheduling issues and limited funds) and we're not likely to be invited to join DIL's FOO. Around any holiday or celebratory time I get a little sad & envious of DS's ILs. Being grateful for what we do have is a start...I also try to do something comforting for myself and DH even if it's as simple as buying a special bottle of wine, cooking a comforting meal or lighting the "good" candles.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Offline lancaster lady

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Re: Suggestions on holidays;what to do
« Reply #4 on: June 12, 2011, 03:40:57 PM »
Hi Grandma ......after the last Christmas I had ,I would love  to get away for the next one and forget about family get togethers that never happen .....!

Offline pam1

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Re: Suggestions on holidays;what to do
« Reply #5 on: June 12, 2011, 03:48:52 PM »
Welcome Justanoldgrandma :)  Funny username.

If you haven't already done so please read the Modified Forum Agreement in the category Open Me First.  We ask all new members to do so not b/c there is anything wrong with your post.

Hopefully your DS will get tired of DILs family taking over holidays, I've been there and done that.  It gets very old.

When I was overseas I visited orphanages, I don't know if that is an option for you.  Now DH, DD and I deliver meals through the Salvation Army on most holiday mornings.
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

Offline Barbie

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Re: Suggestions on holidays;what to do
« Reply #6 on: June 12, 2011, 04:01:02 PM »
Pam1, that sounds absolutely wonderful! Do you mind sharing how you go about doing that?

Offline justanoldgrandma

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Re: Suggestions on holidays;what to do
« Reply #7 on: June 12, 2011, 05:55:08 PM »
Thanks, all; I can use even more suggestions and commiserations!  It helps.

Pam, when you said that it gets old (dil having all holidays at her family's) did you mean it got old w you or w your son or with your whole family?

Did anyone have any luck in trying to persuade son to buck the system?

I have read the Help and can't figure out how to pm any of you; help!  How do I do that?!  I'm confused!

Thanks!

Offline pam1

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Re: Suggestions on holidays;what to do
« Reply #8 on: June 12, 2011, 06:37:22 PM »
Sure :)  I call about a month before Easter to sign up and they give you a timeframe to show up and load your vehicle with all the boxes.  Depending on the size of the family depends on how many families you deliver to.  We have delivered from around 7 - 15.  It generally takes about an hour but we also live in the city so we are given addresses fairly close to each other.

Now for Thanksgiving/Christmas I generally call in August to get our names on both lists.  Those fill up fast and sometimes we didn't make it on the list.  But we came in as back ups and waited for a no-show and took over their route.

It is a lot of fun, most of the deliveries are to elderly people with no family around.  We've actually made a few family friends this way. 

We also Adopt a Family at Xmas.  Usually women shelters or childrens law centers put these on.  Around Thanksgiving call around or google your area.  They typically ask you to spend $75 per person and you can say how many people you're willing to adopt.  You are then given a list with only first names and ages and areas of interest. DD has a lot of fun picking out toys for other kids and it's a good experience for her in realizing that Xmas is about giving.  They have a drop off time that you take the gifts to them, sometimes they ask for them to be wrapped and labeled but lately they have been asking for unwrapped and just tagged.
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

Offline jdtm

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Re: Suggestions on holidays;what to do
« Reply #9 on: June 12, 2011, 06:59:23 PM »
Quote
Did anyone have any luck in trying to persuade son to buck the system?

I think this is the "real" reason you wrote - and no, I did not have any luck trying to "buck the system".  We are lucky in that our younger son lives nearby and our DIL always, always makes sure there is time for us.  Our elder son - well, you know the drift - too busy, no choice as we must go, etc. etc. etc.  Now, whenever I plan a holiday function, I always consult with our younger son and his wife, we set plans and then inform the elder son of the details.  Funny, he has come more times without being consulted than being consulted; nonetheless, we don't expect him and his family to "show"; when they do (rarely), it is a bonus.  I think he has realized that "life goes on without him" and so have we.

I really don't know what to say except to try and let this "dream" go - because that is what it is.  The others have given many excellent suggestions; the best way to survive I think is to "do something new and different" - however simple or extravagant that is.  Forget about tradition - "we always did it this way".  It still hurts; my goal is to find a way to "hurt less".  All the best ...

Offline pam1

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Re: Suggestions on holidays;what to do
« Reply #10 on: June 12, 2011, 07:08:02 PM »
Thanks, all; I can use even more suggestions and commiserations!  It helps.

Pam, when you said that it gets old (dil having all holidays at her family's) did you mean it got old w you or w your son or with your whole family?

Did anyone have any luck in trying to persuade son to buck the system?

I have read the Help and can't figure out how to pm any of you; help!  How do I do that?!  I'm confused!

Thanks!

justanoldgrandma, we do not have the pm feature available to use anymore.  Members that are open to emails have them listed on their profile page.  Click on their username and it will display their email or not.  If you're worried about anonymity you can always create a gmail or yahoo account to use here.  Hope that helps.

DH was already fed up with his FOOs way of the holidays before me.  However, standing up to them and putting his foot down was very hard for him to do and he never did do it on his own.  It came down to it's me or them.  Very sad, but true.  They got all holidays, all holiday times and still complained every single holiday.

Anyway, what lead to the change was this past Xmas.  This was the first year MIL would not get Xmas morning with us, we spent it at home.  We did spend Xmas Eve and Xmas evening with them but apparently it was not enough.  MIL then created a "third day of Xmas" to celebrate and reenact her kids Xmas again and she demanded her kids take off work to do this.  A bunch of 30 and 40 year olds lol.

So come "third day of Xmas" I ended up in the doctors office where I was informed of having a miscarriage.  FIL/MIL called DH and reamed him out saying I was making it up and if I wasn't making it up, he would tell them what doctors office so that they could come pick him and DD up and I could drive myself home.  When he refused they called me a liar, golddigger, that I just hated them and I was probably at work or at home.  Much more to that but you get the gist.

DH was unable to handle them himself and informed me during the middle of my miscarriage.  I was livid, they intrude on every part of our lives and here they go again.  Trust me, if your DILs FOO is so bold as to claim all holidays, they have issues as my DHs FOO does with severe enmeshment and this kind of thing gets very, very old.

So yeah, it was either me or them.  They will not get any part of this next years holidays for sure, Xmas never again and we will talk about any other holidays but I don't think it will be happening for awhile.  I talk to them but it is hi and bye and nothing substantial.  I tried reconnecting again up until the point MIL denied ever knowing anything about the Xmas fiasco last month.  So there you have it, if they do not care enough to learn from this, it is not my responsibility.  If we ever share a holiday again it will be at my home for a couple of hours, they will not dominate and take over my family again.  DH is free to go if he wants, DD and I will not step foot in their house during a holiday. 

My parents didn't say much, they were hurt but I also didn't realize it for awhile.  We are a very large family (similar to DHs) but my family is much more relaxed.  Most of the time it's see you when I see you.  We don't need to see each other all the time to show love and no one competes as they do in DHs family.  So basically I took their generous spirit and kind of abused it.  It wasn't until the miscarriage fiasco that they said something and my dad asked me to come home, which anyone knowing how my FOO works, this is usual.  It kind of scared DH straight lol.

So that's just my story, you hold on to hope there.  Something will give.

People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

Offline Pen

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Re: Suggestions on holidays;what to do
« Reply #11 on: June 12, 2011, 08:34:50 PM »
Pam, your story always makes me livid, too. It would be a long time before I felt like spending another holiday with anyone who treated me that way, if ever.

The difference is, those of us who miss every holiday due to a DIL's FOO's selfishness don't have any leverage. What can we do or say that won't cause further distance or a cut off? We are at the mercy of a DS who may or may not stand up for his own FOO.

I was lucky; my DS finally did speak up. We don't get an equal share of holidays or other celebrations, and we don't get anything close to the same amount of casual visiting time either, but at least we now get every other Christmas Day (DIL's FOO gets a week every Christmas whether or not they get the actual "day of.")

It's like so-called "enriched" white bread - they take every good nutrient out, put very few back in, and we're supposed to believe we're better off than before, LOL.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Offline lancaster lady

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Re: Suggestions on holidays;what to do
« Reply #12 on: June 12, 2011, 09:44:31 PM »
My DS is planning to move in temporarily with his f/dw FOO , so I guess I can say goodbye to any visits .As they will now be further away I think I will be put on the back burner once again .Hope I am proved wrong ...... :(

Offline justanoldgrandma

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Re: Suggestions on holidays;what to do
« Reply #13 on: June 13, 2011, 06:51:08 AM »
Lancaster Lady, what is  f/dw FOO?  I know FOO is Family of Origin; f is father?  dw is dear wife?

I don't get ds moving in with f/dw FOO.......

Except that it seems to make things worse.... sorry..... I'm new here

Offline Pen

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Re: Suggestions on holidays;what to do
« Reply #14 on: June 13, 2011, 07:00:53 AM »
LOL (laughing out loud) I understand your confusion, Just. There should be a list of abbreviations on the home page under Helpful Resources.

DS (son) is moving in with F/DW's (future wife's) FOO.


LL, I'm so sorry to hear this. I hope you're proved wrong too :(
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb