Author Topic: Re: Does anyone else just get tired?  (Read 2696 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Ross99

  • Guest
Re: Does anyone else just get tired?
« on: June 11, 2011, 09:07:07 AM »
OP - your post could have been written word for word by me and my dh. Our dil is a true narcissist. She is accustom to being the center of everything....and chose a profession that puts her in the limelight continually. Early on, before she and our son married, the problems started. We were suddenly people who were "rejecting" her. We were suddenly terrible people whose every word was offensive and suspect.
We were speechless and blind sighted. We had never, ever in our lives experienced someone treating us like this. We apologized for things we had no idea we were apologizing for... "you know what you need to apologize for". Several "meetings" where we had to drive 1 1/2  hours to their home any time of the day or night to "talk" with no resolution on their part. (dh and I are not retired).
Fast forward to 10 years later. Son has allowed himself to believe his parents are awful people. We have no contact with our only grandchildren.  Ds and dil have no relationship with anyone on his side of the family except for a few letters from his grandfather. To preserve what sanity we have left, we simply assured them of our love and went on with our lives. We have no contact, and honestly, life is so much better than it was with them in our lives. Yes, holidays are hard, but we have a loving daughter and sil whom we adore. No grandchildren from them, but do have three grand kittens. Oh well.
I will say to date, we have sent birthday cards and Christmas money to the grandsons. Until this last Christmas, the gifts were funds added to college funds. Last year I sent checks, which have yet to be cashed. Hummmm..it's June. Should I assume they are shredded by now? ;-} what's the consensus gals, do I stop the cards? The grandsons are the innocent victims here.
So, my quandary is do I continue to send cards and gifts? I strongly suspect they have not received anything from us. Dil gets to the mail first I suspect.

Offline luise.volta

  • Global Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 8962
  • Luise Volta
    • View Profile
    • Wise Women Unite
Re: Re: Does anyone else just get tired?
« Reply #1 on: June 11, 2011, 09:17:45 AM »
Welcome. I think I would stop the gifts, at least. It is part of self-respect, it seems to me to pull back.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Ross99

  • Guest
Re: Re: Does anyone else just get tired?
« Reply #2 on: June 11, 2011, 09:32:26 AM »
It really pulls at my heart for our grandsons to think they have grandparents who don't care *guilt* and gifts/cards have been my way to show them our love and care. I guess the checks not being cashed was a pretty clear signal they arent getting them anyway. So is the guilt not justified?

Offline pam1

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2321
    • View Profile
Re: Re: Does anyone else just get tired?
« Reply #3 on: June 11, 2011, 09:33:56 AM »
Welcome Ross99 :)

If you haven't already done so, please read the Forum Agreement in the category Open Me First.  We ask all new members to do so not b/c there is anything wrong with your post.

If you've noticed your post is in another thread it is because I felt it deserved it's own.

People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

Offline pam1

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2321
    • View Profile
Re: Does anyone else just get tired?
« Reply #4 on: June 11, 2011, 09:36:42 AM »
IMO, I don't think you have any reason to feel guilty about grandsons possibly not receiving cards or money. 

Another way to look at it as a parent myself, I do not allow DD to have gifts from people who do not have a relationship with me or her.  I think it sends the wrong message for little ones and one I'm not willing to support for my own child.  Just my thoughts
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

Offline lancaster lady

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1488
    • View Profile
Re: Does anyone else just get tired?
« Reply #5 on: June 11, 2011, 09:47:23 AM »
Hello Ross and welcome .....
I would perhaps put funds into a college account , or trust account for when they are older .
I'm sure they would welcome the money when they are needing it most .
Also when they are of age , who knows they might seek out the GP's they weren't allowed to meet .
We don't know why people freeze out families once they are a unit .Some just like total control
without any outside influences.
On this forum we often stop asking why when nothing makes sense .
If it were my grandchildren , I hope some day they would want to meet me .

Offline Pen

  • Global Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 4400
    • View Profile
Re: Does anyone else just get tired?
« Reply #6 on: June 11, 2011, 09:58:09 AM »
Welcome, Ross99.

It's still baffling to me that one person can decide how it's going to be and everyone else has to abide. I cannot imagine having that much power! As you said, Ross99, the children are the innocent victims. Unless your DS steps up things are not likely to change.

That said, I do understand that some ILs/GPs are sleazy, rotten, criminal dirtbags, perhaps...but from what you've told us you've gone out of your way to accomodate your DIL and you & DH are decent people. After all this time on the site I still don't get it. My DH & I were suddenly shunned for no reason, by DIL's own admission, and that's when I searched for help, eventually finding this site.

It's time for the gifts to stop, but do think about keeping a scrapbook for your GC. When they are older and decide to seek you out, you can show them that indeed you've been thinking of them all these years. You could also put the money aside in case you decide to gift them some help w/college later.

Oops, just saw LL's post - I see we're in agreement, LOL!


Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Ross99

  • Guest
Re: Does anyone else just get tired?
« Reply #7 on: June 11, 2011, 09:59:58 AM »
Thank you Lancaster. I do think about the grandsons looking for us when they are older. That's a hope I hold onto.

Ross99

  • Guest
Re: Does anyone else just get tired?
« Reply #8 on: June 11, 2011, 10:02:23 AM »
Thanks Pen. I like the scrapbook idea. That's something I can do and feel it is a gift to them.

Offline Pen

  • Global Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 4400
    • View Profile
Re: Does anyone else just get tired?
« Reply #9 on: June 11, 2011, 10:11:23 AM »
I'm not a GP yet, but am under no illusion that DIL will be more accepting of DH & I when they do arrive. All of these ideas are being stored away in case I am in a similar position. My heart goes out to you.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Offline Pen

  • Global Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 4400
    • View Profile
Re: Does anyone else just get tired?
« Reply #10 on: June 11, 2011, 10:15:58 AM »
Oops, that would be "when GC do arrive." D-oh!
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

cpr

  • Guest
Re: Does anyone else just get tired?
« Reply #11 on: June 11, 2011, 12:08:55 PM »
I'm sorry to say Ross, but after 10 years it does not sound as though a relationship with your son's family will happen.  I agree that you should stop sending the gifts.  It seems as though it is harder on you not hearing from them and having to speculate on whether or not your gifts are received.  I do not know how long it has been since you decided that it would be best to leave things as they are, but it seems that this is now a permanent situation.  I would not expect to hear from your GC when they are older either.  Yes there is a chance that they will seek you out, but more likely they have grown up not knowing you and hearing from their parents that you are just not part of their family's life.  Does your DD still speak with her brother?  Has she been able to provide any insight as to where things took such a turn?

Offline Pen

  • Global Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 4400
    • View Profile
Re: Does anyone else just get tired?
« Reply #12 on: June 11, 2011, 12:48:51 PM »
I find this hearbreaking. It's just not fair! I know, I know, life's not fair... but when you're delighting in raising your sweet little children the baby books don't warn you about the possibility of this happening.

I remember a neighbor once telling me she made pancakes every morning for her young boys because she wanted them to always want to come home to see her. At the time I thought she was kidding; why wouldn't her sons want to come and see their mother? It never occurred to me that my DS would be absorbed into another family and I would be an afterthought, if anything.

If only pancakes could help in my sitch. I totally get why DS & DIL would rather visit the castle than the hovel, but it still hurts  :'(


Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Offline pam1

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2321
    • View Profile
Re: Does anyone else just get tired?
« Reply #13 on: June 11, 2011, 12:57:00 PM »
Awww Pen, keep hope.  He made some great strides lately, from everything you've said I have no doubt he will continue on.

I know you will probably not get the opportunity to ever tell him this but therapy sometimes does work.  DH found an awesome guy in helping him work through his families guilt trips and the effects this has had on him.  I hope your DIL will one day get it, money isn't everything and doesn't make the quality of relationship any better.  I feel very sorry for her in being raised this way.
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

Offline Pen

  • Global Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 4400
    • View Profile
Re: Does anyone else just get tired?
« Reply #14 on: June 11, 2011, 01:30:48 PM »
Thanks, Pam..I'm not feeling very sorry for her today, LOL! I'm kinda feeling sorry for myself  :'(

Pity, Party of One...
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb