Author Topic: How much notice for weekend guests?  (Read 12422 times)

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Offline Scoop

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How much notice for weekend guests?
« on: June 08, 2011, 09:43:45 AM »
So, how much notice do you need to host weekend guests?  How much is fair?

DH mentioned that his parents 'might' be coming to visit us for Father's Day weekend.   They haven't actually SAID they were coming for sure.  I don't like 'surprise' visits.  I am a planner, and I need at least, at the VERY LEAST, a week's notice for hosting guests for a weekend.  It drives me crazy that the IL's can't plan their time a couple of weeks in advance.  (For the record, FIL knows his schedule FAR in advance and MIL makes her own schedule.) 

I know that DH would like to have a "good" visit with them, but I don't know why he doesn't understand that it's already started on the wrong foot with me.  We've been all around this mulberry bush before, it's nothing new.

The worst part is that he won't do anything to 'plan' for their visit.  He won't think of meal ideas or activities, he won't wash sheets, make beds or clean up (and MIL is VERY critical for cleanliness).  So, he wants *me* to plan, because it's WAY easier on him that way, but he doesn't give me TIME to plan and then I'm angry - it's not shocking that we have a tough time over the weekend as a result!

ARGH!

Offline pam1

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Re: How much notice for weekend guests?
« Reply #1 on: June 08, 2011, 09:54:03 AM »
For guests staying overnight I generally invite them so I can be in charge of my own schedule and having to do the vast majority of the hosting load.  My DH is like yours or maybe even worse lol.  He doesn't lift a finger.  Which is fine.  What is not fine, IMO, is inviting someone without my knowledge/input or someone inviting themselves to my home.

In other words, I don't know that I have a firm time frame where things like this has to be done.  I would be extremely put off at the notion of someone inviting themselves to my home.  Very, very rude.  It wouldn't matter to me that they had discussed with DH first, they still invited themselves.  Putting DH and myself in awkward positions and undermining our home.

My FOO doesn't operate this way, just b/c I'm their daughter/sister/niece/aunt doesn't give them the right to treat me or DH any differently than they would treat their friend.

Heh, that actually just reminded me of a saying I just saw:  Treat your family as company and your company as family.

People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

Offline luise.volta

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Re: How much notice for weekend guests?
« Reply #2 on: June 08, 2011, 10:06:44 AM »
That kind of thing would drive me nuts for the same reason it is bothering you. And I know that husbands are not usually known for their huge contribution to house quests.  ;D ;D ;D It sounds like something the two of you need to bring out from behind the Mulberry Bush so you can create some ground rules around it. You aren't the hired help and no one can discount your preferences unless you let them. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline Pen

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Re: How much notice for weekend guests?
« Reply #3 on: June 08, 2011, 10:17:30 AM »
Scoop, I'd say it depends on who it is. I have a couple of friends who will pitch right in, not get icky about the occasional dust bunnie (or worse, LOL) and are just fun people to be around. They could pretty much show up with a couple of hours notice and I'd be fine. However, my SM & DF will give me 2 months notice and it still isn't enough time for me! She's very critical and persnickity. Unfortunately we don't have a handy nearby motel for them. If you have one near you, I highly recommend you pass the reservation info on to your ILs.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Offline Pooh

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Re: How much notice for weekend guests?
« Reply #4 on: June 08, 2011, 10:39:37 AM »
I agree with Pen.  I don't have to have a set time either.  DH has a male friend that travels this way frequently on business and has an open invitation to stay in our guest room.  Most of the time, he doesn't know he will be here until that day, so not much notice.  For an extended guest or a picky family member, I would want more notice.  I think your week is more than compromising.

I have a DH that does help with everything and if he invites someone, does the lion share of work.  I also don't have any friends or family members that are picky about cleanliness or such, so I can say all this.  For someone like your IL's, I think I would want a month!

Sorry you are having to stress about a 'possibility' of a visit.  That's no fun.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline luise.volta

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Re: How much notice for weekend guests?
« Reply #5 on: June 08, 2011, 10:49:00 AM »
Maybe you could have a rotation plan…you host one visit and DH hosts the next. (I bet it would be like childbirth.) To make your point, you could draw up a plan for him showing everything he would need to anticipate and do. LOL!
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline lancaster lady

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Re: How much notice for weekend guests?
« Reply #6 on: June 08, 2011, 11:15:16 AM »
Good Idea Luise ....a duty rota ....lol
I like the kind of visitors who pitch in , and peel potatoes etc ...
those who come to inspect your house are not really friends are they ?

I'm not too fussy these days , visitors know how hard I work , so clean sheets and bath are all
I provide , and if they want to take me out for a meal that's great , they can come again ...lol

If DH wants a stress free visit , he has to pitch in and ease the strain ...or pain !

gretchenw

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Re: How much notice for weekend guests?
« Reply #7 on: June 08, 2011, 11:28:53 AM »

I know that DH would like to have a "good" visit with them, ...


I don't know when Fathers Day is, because we don't celebrate it in my country.  But since you know that DH would "like to shave a good visit with them", I would consider this a lovely way to treat my DH to a great Fathers Day.  I would do the planning for a visit, and invite his family.

Just my 2 centimes.

GW

Offline Scoop

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Re: How much notice for weekend guests?
« Reply #8 on: June 08, 2011, 12:59:33 PM »
Ah Gretchen!  You had to bring that up!

It's true, it would make a good Father's Day gift to him, and I know it.  It just chaps my hide that to do something nice for him, I have to bend over backwards for them.

They're not easy guests.  MIL is picky about cleanliness, much, much more than I am.  To the extent that I get the impression she thinks I'm "dirty".  She doesn't even like to eat food that I've cooked.  And I don't like to eat out for 4 meals in a row.

As for the idea of alternating, I wouldn't even go that far.  *I* prepare for visits to/from my family and friends, and I want him to do a little bit more than "help" for visits from his P's.  They visit once, maybe twice a year (although, once, they did go 2 whole years between visits).

I won't leave him to founder, but I will let him know that I'm already angry about this visit and what he can do to fix it.

Thanks guys.

Sassy

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Re: How much notice for weekend guests?
« Reply #9 on: June 08, 2011, 01:28:44 PM »
We live in a lovely and popular area that gets a lot of visitors.  We follow Ben Franklin's 3 day rule.

I invite people to my house.  It works better for us.   Like you, I'm in charge of most of the preparation.  To be fair, DH doesn't care if somebody comes over and the cats' litter isn't freshly changed, the fridge is empty and the kitchen floor isn't swept.  I do care; that's why it's on me.  An upside of that responsibility is I am in charge of the invites.  DH will suggest to me, but since I'm the one who needs the time to clean, shop, prepare then I get to pick when. 

When I invite, I accept a "maybe" as a "no" after a few days. Then I feel free to make other plans. If somebody comes back later than a few days with a yes, I will tell them sorry, wish I knew sooner.  That's the only way I can come up with to stop "maybes" from driving me nuts.  And the next time, I noticed I will get a yes within a day or two.

If somebody invites themselves, we tell them about a great hotel near here.  If we don't have to work or don't have other plans, we do leave lots of time free time to spend with them. We drive them around, go for walks, eat out.  We'll have them here for a meal or a movie.  Much easier to do a light cleaning for a few hours here and there, than having someone live in my space with me for 3 days.  Preparing 9 meals and all snacks and beverages and day and night entertainment is no fun, and if I didn't sign up for it, I resent it.  After all, it's unpaid unasked-for work.   It becomes - what's the point of visiting with a resentful worn out host.

If Father's Day is too soon for you, as preparer and facilitator, and it's still in"maybe" limbo, perhaps switching to the next weekend after that will work better for you.

Sassy

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Re: How much notice for weekend guests?
« Reply #10 on: June 08, 2011, 01:34:52 PM »

Quote
They're not easy guests.  MIL is picky about cleanliness, much, much more than I am.  To the extent that I get the impression she thinks I'm "dirty".  She doesn't even like to eat food that I've cooked.  And I don't like to eat out for 4 meals in a row.

The older I get, the less I care about meeting the standards of others.  I hope to come to a place where, like my DH, I don't much care what they think of how we live.  It's good enough for us.  Its more than good enough, we have a really cute little place and it is mostly clean.  My favorite place in the world in on my soft couch with my kitties and my husband.  It is pure luxury for me.  Forget Paris, forget the Four Seasons.   I wonder why I think it can't it be good enough for someone who wants to see us? 


Offline Pooh

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Re: How much notice for weekend guests?
« Reply #11 on: June 08, 2011, 01:38:32 PM »
I'm like that too, my house is "mostly clean" and I like it that way.  We live there not anyone else.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

RedRose

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Re: How much notice for weekend guests?
« Reply #12 on: June 08, 2011, 02:24:07 PM »

I know that DH would like to have a "good" visit with them, ...


I don't know when Fathers Day is, because we don't celebrate it in my country.  But since you know that DH would "like to shave a good visit with them", I would consider this a lovely way to treat my DH to a great Fathers Day.  I would do the planning for a visit, and invite his family.

Just my 2 centimes.

GW

I agree with gretchenw...2 weeks notice would be enough for me...I would welcome them.

Talk about surprise visits...My husband's 60th birthday was May 30th. His family (3 sisters and 1 brother)drove 12 hours from Canada just to wish him a Happy Birthday. They stayed 4 days and I was so unprepared. But....it was worth it.
But, I handled it ok

Offline Pen

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Re: How much notice for weekend guests?
« Reply #13 on: June 08, 2011, 05:09:28 PM »
Sometimes those surprise visits do work out! The visitors can't expect much since it is a surprise, after all...and the host/ess doesn't have time to get stressed, LOL. But again, it would only be fun for me if the guests weren't super-picky, white-glove-test people. My spice racks aren't alphabetized, for example  ;D

Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Offline pam1

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Re: How much notice for weekend guests?
« Reply #14 on: June 08, 2011, 05:15:58 PM »
I only surprised someone one time, I almost got hit with a shovel.  Not doing that again lol
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift