Author Topic: The issue of forgetting to put an important person on the weddin list  (Read 2798 times)

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Mominlaw

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When my DS and my FDIL planned their wedding in fast mode, due to the situation I was informed it was a small wedding party. I made a very small list of invites on my part. Later I found out 150 were invited. Sad to say and I truly mean this, the reason for the hasty wedding was no more. We were all very sad about this. In catching our breath about the hasty plans I realized my significant others daughter was not invited. My daughter and best friend urged me to correct this matter and I realized I made a mistake after the daughter expressed disappointment that she was not invited, causing my significant other to be concerned. He had also taken a "keep out of the way" attitude. Sadly to say when I asked my DS if I could add her to the list he said no. She was a snob. He had lived with us for 1 year while he was in college and I never heard him express this. She is an intellectual and he is a sports guy to illustrate. I then informed the FDIL about my mistake and asked for her to be invited and she said I was getting excited over the possibility of inviting more people to the wedding due the the changed circumstances and no. Shocked and shut down i cannot make sense out of it all.

Offline luise.volta

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There isn't any sense to make of it.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

RedRose

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What I would do is tell my son that this person is very important to the family and needs to be invited..and that he needs to consider how he would hurt a few people by not inviting her. Hopefully he will care.

Then...I would step back...no more gift-giving...stay out of the rest of the wedding.

Offline pam1

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Hmmm....

This is a tough one.  I don't think there is a bad guy here but perhaps mixed signals.  IMO, I really do not like when my MIL tries to do an end run around one of us, meaning when she doesn't like the answer she got from one so she decides to go to the other. 

Mominlaw, I'm really getting the feeling from your posts that maybe the core issue is the relationship between your son and yourself.  How was it before DIL came in the picture?
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

Offline Pen

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Yeah, time to step back, close the checkbook, move on. We were severely limited guest-wise as well, and it hurt a few people not to mention our families. I sometimes wish I hadn't spent as much as I did, but we were trying to show DIL how pleased we were by the marriage and how much we honored her. Spending more than we should have and jumping through all her hoops didn't make her like us any better, alas.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Sassy

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I am sorry.   I imagine it feels like you are the one hurting someone, when it is from decisions no longer in your control.   DS was asked about inviting SO's DD and he said no.  He gave a reason that was personal to him and not related to the size of the wedding.  FDIL was asked after DS said no, and she also said no.   As far as timing goes, after the guest list went from small to 150 people is when SO's DD came to mind.   I wish DS and FDIL had given you some room to contribute to the bigger list when the circumstances changed.  It is a shame they didn't.  Since you have approached both the bride and groom about it already, seperately, to push past their clear no's a third time would not seem to be prudent.  I sincerely hope your SO and his DD do not hold the decision of others against you.  It is, after all, someone else's party.   I hope you can let go of the sense of responsibility for their choices.   Moving forward I think the least painful way for you to view you and SO attending DS and FDIL's wedding is as an invited guest who is asked to celebrate with them.   

Offline lancaster lady

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Re my DS upcoming wedding .....I was never asked if I wanted to invite anyone !!
The wedding is in two months and only now am I being told about arrangements , or finding out
through their wedding website .
Maybe they are now considering me, after asking for a contribution , which was at first refused .
Who said MIL's are not wonderful people ?
I feel I could justify having a hissy fit ....however ...hopefully they will remember me
as the wonderful MIL who didn't interfere .......lol

Mominlaw

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It came to light with me that my DS had issues with me or issues when, he stated, after he had been going to pre-cana with FDIL that I had made bad choices in my life. As we were at a breakfast place when he stated this with FDIL I did not want to discuss this. At that point I started to see a counselor, weekly. I am not perfect but I have tried to be there for him and we have had a relationship. Now I question what type. After the issue with the mix-up of the rehearsal dinner invites, I was informed by the FDIL that she was going to have a traditional wedding where her F was going to give his youngest daughter away. I said I understand but I may not be traditional but my only DS getting married very important to me and I would like to think that I could be part of it.
The responses all have given are helpfull to me.  Thank you

Sassy

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Parents make the best choices they can with the information they have at the time.  How can they possibly do any better than that?  It is human to make mistakes.  As Luise always states, there is no such thing as perfection, it does not exist.  And guess what, your DS will discover at some point that he will have made mistakes himself.  (And we can already see a couple right here, can't we?  Alas, they are his to make.)

That your son realized his parents are human while in counseling, reminds me of something.  My mother has a saying that she brings out from time to time with her friends of children who are growing up and leaving for college.  "May the Heavens take mercy on the parents of a freshman psych major."

Offline Scoop

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Mominlaw, I'm sorry that you're having so much stress over your son's wedding.  However, it is his and FDIL's wedding and THEY get to decide who's invited.

We had the OPPOSITE problem at my wedding.  My MIL didn't want one of her sisters to be invited, because they were feuding.  Well, there was no way I was going to start my married life by adding fuel to a family fire.  MIL also wanted very distant friends of the family invited, which we declined because WE (DH and I) did not *want* them at our wedding.

It's unfortunate that your Son doesn't want to invite your step-daughter, but it doesn't sound like he's hurting a 'decent' relationship.  They don't have a relationship.  She's an "acquaintance" to him and even FURTHER from FDIL.

I think you have too much emotion invested into this wedding.  I think you need to take a step back and just let it unfold.  If DS and FDIL do anything that could be considered rude, don't respond with more rudeness.  In the future, when they get over being the Bride and Groom, they will see their actions and they will only feel bad if YOU don't add fuel to the fire.

At the time of my wedding, I didn't THINK I was being a bride-zilla, but in retrospect, I was (a bit - just a bit, I swear!).  Since everyone around me was very gracious about it, I've repented and because I can't "pay it back" I pay it forward.

Offline Pen

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Re: The issue of forgetting to put an important person on the weddin list
« Reply #10 on: June 07, 2011, 09:22:05 AM »
I get that it is their wedding and they get to decide - I felt the same when I married. But then, DH & I paid for our wedding whereas this young couple has asked for money from Mominlaw.

There's no where the MOTG can go to express all of her emotions surrounding this big step in her son's life. I love my son as much as DIL's parents love her. I know we're supposed to suddenly stop but there's no handy switch for that, I'm sorry to say. Give birth to girls, I guess.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Offline Pooh

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Re: The issue of forgetting to put an important person on the weddin list
« Reply #11 on: June 07, 2011, 09:25:13 AM »
Pen, remember...her DS and FDIL don't see anything she has done as contributing.  FDIL hasn't seen the signifigance of forgiving a $7,000 debt and DS doesn't see the diamond as a gift.  I bet they feel like she hasn't contributed at all so she gets no extra guests.

We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline Pen

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Re: The issue of forgetting to put an important person on the weddin list
« Reply #12 on: June 07, 2011, 09:39:40 AM »
Oh, right you are.

Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

RedRose

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Re: The issue of forgetting to put an important person on the weddin list
« Reply #13 on: June 07, 2011, 11:08:27 AM »
Wow...so, just because it is thier wedding they get to have no morals and Not invite someone as important as a step-sister to the groom.  Step-daughter to his mother.

I feel that is just horrible....


Offline Pooh

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Re: The issue of forgetting to put an important person on the weddin list
« Reply #14 on: June 07, 2011, 11:11:06 AM »
I think it's horrible too but yes, unfortunately.  I don't agree with any of it, but if it's your wedding, you can do whatever you want.  Doesn't mean someone has to contribute to or enable the bad behavior.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell