Author Topic: Rehersal Diner invitation slip up  (Read 1642 times)

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Mominlaw

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Rehersal Diner invitation slip up
« on: June 06, 2011, 03:36:28 PM »
What should I think? The wedding was a rush because my FDIL was with child. I welcomed the situation, and got out of the way planning the wedding and looked forward to my contributions to the rehearsal dinner. The wedding invites had already gone out. When I decided on a place I proudly showed the web site to my DS and FDIL and... I showed the website to my X for his input and approval as he lived out of state. I was told by by DS that I will be getting a spreadsheet of invitees. Two weeks later no spreadsheet. I had placed a deposit on the place and selected a fabulous menu. I sent the info to the DS and FDIL. The FDIL responded why I had not sent out the invites. I responded paper or e-invites call me let me know. One hour later I received a call from my DS stating the FDIL and her sister were handwriting the invites and they would be in the mail that day. I said I can help and where is the spreadsheet with the info. By email the FDIL stated that my DS sent me this prior. Then I got an email the invites were in the mail. I was a little disturbed and it was Saturday so I took a nap. When I woke up I sensed something bad had happened and I called my x to ask if he know about anything. He said he had gotten call from the FDIL complaining I did not send out the invitations and they were both upset with me.  I called DS and asked if this was true yes he calimed. I asked to talk to FDIL and asked her why she could not call me and I did not get the spreadsheet. She said that my DS has spoke to me in detail about this two weeks ago and that she was getting married to him soon and she believed him. She also told me she was stressed out and did not have time to do the invites in the first place. When asked what was on the invites, they did not mention me or my x and every one was to respond to her. Oh my now -I felt my only part in the wedding was taken away and it was. Comments?

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Rehersal Diner invitation slip up
« Reply #1 on: June 06, 2011, 03:49:31 PM »
I would take all of the as a warning and step back…way back…saying "Let me know if I can help."
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline Pen

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Re: Rehersal Diner invitation slip up
« Reply #2 on: June 06, 2011, 03:53:49 PM »
I think you can imagine what my comments would be regarding this turn of events. I need to think about how to express them w/o using profanity. What gall! What nerve! What game-playing! What lack of consideration!

The good news is, you know what you're in for; some of us got broadsided after the wedding, LOL. And by that I mean DILs as well as MILs. Rudeness comes in all shapes, sizes, and titles.

Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Mominlaw

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Re: Rehersal Diner invitation slip up
« Reply #3 on: June 06, 2011, 04:02:22 PM »
Nothing has prepared me to be a MIL. You read books on child development, relationships with significant others. My head is so confused.

Sassy

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Re: Rehersal Diner invitation slip up
« Reply #4 on: June 06, 2011, 04:08:43 PM »
I have a feeling not the only part.  The part where you pay half the bill for the rehearsal dinner is still probably all yours.  :-\

Quote
I was told by by DS that I will be getting a spreadsheet of invitees. Two weeks later no spreadsheet.

By email the FDIL stated that my DS sent me this prior.

I called DS and asked if this was true yes he calimed. I asked to talk to FDIL and asked her why she could not call me and I did not get the spreadsheet. She said that my DS has spoke to me in detail about this two weeks ago and that she was getting married to him soon and she believed him.

DS was the one who told you you'd get the spreadsheet. He was the one responsible for seeing it got to you.  It appears he may have lied to her and said he sent it to you?  I'm not sure why you asked to speak to FDIL, and didn't call DS out on what you both know he told you, and you both know he didn't do.

At this point, let it all drop.  It's not worth it.  It's their wedding.   Attend it and enjoy it, like all guests.  You learned a lot early on and it will be a valuable lesson.  From what I infer from this story, if I understand it correctly,  your son appears to be willing to lie to his future wife about his failures and blame them on other people, like you.  The less involved you are in their adult affairs going forward, the less likely you are to get caught in his web of deceit again in the future. 

Offline Pen

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Re: Rehersal Diner invitation slip up
« Reply #5 on: June 06, 2011, 04:26:01 PM »
Good point, Sassy. DS isn't blameless.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Mominlaw

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Re: Rehersal Diner invitation slip up
« Reply #6 on: June 06, 2011, 04:29:44 PM »
What about the - going to the x instead of talking to me? I dint get it. I have a good relationships with the X but I guess not with the DS and FDIL

Sassy

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Re: Rehersal Diner invitation slip up
« Reply #7 on: June 06, 2011, 04:32:45 PM »
What this warns of in a pattern.    For instance, DS will ask you to come babysit at noon.   You show up at noon.  DIL is mad at you and says she was waiting for you since 11.  DIL will say she told DS to tell you 11, and DS told her he told you 11.

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She said that my DS has spoke to me in detail about this two weeks ago and that she was getting married to him soon and she believed him

That FDIL said this last part, makes me think FDIL knows the man she is marrying is a bit of a stinker when it comes to telling the truth.  Because obviously you already know she's getting married to him soon.    She's explaining to you why she feels she has to act like she has faith in him, blind faith, even above her own common sense.  If her gut told her he tried to pull a fast one on her by telling her saying you dropped the ball when she suspected it was him, The Handwriting Show was probably for his benefit, not yours.  It's possible she used leaving his mother's name off the invite to embarrass him for using his mother's name to lie through his teeth to her .   If so, it seems you were just collateral damage in their relationship troubles. 

Offline Pooh

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Re: Rehersal Diner invitation slip up
« Reply #8 on: June 06, 2011, 04:37:48 PM »
If I remember right, isn't this the second time FDIL called X and tattled.  Sorry, to me that's what it amounts to.  I do agree with Sassy that I think DS is telling you one thing and her another.  Sounds like DS is not telling the truth, and FDIL is running to X with everything instead of communicating.  I would definately take a step back and let them handle it all.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline pam1

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Re: Rehersal Diner invitation slip up
« Reply #9 on: June 06, 2011, 04:46:25 PM »
And not only what Pooh said but it seems to me that your Ex is setting a pattern where he is all too eager to spread bad news.  Just b/c DIL told him something doesn't mean he has to repeat it.  It serves no purpose except for making you feel bad. 
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

Sassy

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Re: Rehersal Diner invitation slip up
« Reply #10 on: June 06, 2011, 04:59:42 PM »
Quote
What about the - going to the x instead of talking to me?


What about you going to the X instead of them?

Quote
When I woke up I sensed something bad had happened and I called my x to ask if he know about anything. He said he had gotten call from the FDIL complaining I did not send out the invitations and they were both upset with me.  I called DS and asked if this was true

DS and DIL have figured out that them telling X is a direct pipeline to you finding out.  They probably hope to win over some of his sympathy and influence along the way.  I beleive the term is "milking it."

If you don't want to hear about them from X, do not call X about them.  Seems the best thing you can do is step away from the gossip circle and the drama.   

You forgave a $7,000 loan (i.e., gave them a $7,000 cash gift) and to DS it wasn't enough.  You gave DS an engagement ring to give FDIL, and to DS it wasn't enough.  You're throwing them a rehearsal dinner, and DS can't be bothered to give you the address list, or even be honest about the fact he didn't.  There's trouble ahead, so keep your head low.

My thoughts are this - No more lavish gifts.  No expectations for gratitude from the greedy.  No more involvement in their plans as adults.  DS is grown up now.  Let him fly and buy his own way.  Let him support his own family adventures moving forward.  Just watch from a safe distance and let yourself be proud when he starts to show real signs of growing up.


Mominlaw

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Re: Rehersal Diner invitation slip up
« Reply #11 on: June 06, 2011, 05:10:27 PM »
I appreciate all these comments.

Offline lancaster lady

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Re: Rehersal Diner invitation slip up
« Reply #12 on: June 07, 2011, 01:27:46 AM »
mominlaw :

You have to deal with you f/dil directly .
I have learnt this the hard way too , sometimes a couple about to be wed are not always on the same page !
All information has to come from the future bride , she is on top of everything , hopefully .
The only thing my DS had input with was the food !! He wasn't consulted on anything else .
The bride and her Mom have arranged and took charge of everything !
I wasn't even invited to the food tasting ! lol

So I am taking the back seat to this wedding , staying cool and calm , letting everyone else
get into a flap .
You should try it too , oh they know where I am , but there will be no finger pointing
if it all hits the fan !