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Is it Me ?

Started by lancaster lady, May 29, 2011, 01:33:56 am

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lancaster lady

Isn't it strange how little things can keep returning to our minds to annoy us ?

Attended a family BBQ yesterday , my birthday , hosted by my nephew and his wife .
It was a great event , lots of family and familiar faces , sunny but windy , however a super occasion .
My DS , f/DIL , and GD were also there .The fact that we have decided to sell the business , house etc
came up with my Ds . I mentioned that we had a few DIY painting jobs to do before showing the house .
Which to my surprise he offered to do together with f/DIL .He said the sooner the better , re selling up !
I thought Money ??   hmmm!

Then I said that I could take my GD out for walks while the job was being done , to which my f/DIL
said ...'' Oh yes, she'll go with anyone now ''.......!!

Now is this me being touchy , or was this a definite dig !
I'm not just anyone !!

So mulling all this over , as you do , I am now ready to take this head on .If this saga flares
it's ugly head once again , which I hope it won't , I shall be ready .
No more tears and feeling sorry for myself , this is one changed lady !

Why should a careless remark spoil my whole day ?
I'm letting it go , obviously , but am wary of any consequent remarks should they occur .
Thankyou ladies for your attention , and as always your wise input .
I should be lost without you ..... :)

forever spring

Happy Birthday LL.
I also suffer from thoughtless remarks by DIL. I know that if anybody else said them they wouldn't register and if they did, I could just laugh about them.
It seems there is a special kind of dynamics between MIL and DIL which gives weight to all remarks. I also think this works for both sides. I am now very careful to say anything to her - even in jest, afraid it may be misunderstood. Somehow the sense of humour has left the relationship and that's bad.
Why oh why is this relationship so different from all others?
I'm trying to work very hard on not letting thoughtless remarks getting to me, but it' very hard and definitely work in progress.
My hope and wish is that in years to come I'll get together with DIL and we will laugh about the fact that we did make our lives difficult in the past. I'm ready for it now but I know it won't be for a while.
Good luck with your house sale, not easy nowadays!

Keep smiling  :)


I doubt that was a dig. My guess: a brag. Glad you had a great time and good luck with the sale. Sending  love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama


I think it was a brag. My dd became a people person a few months ago and I was so excited I kept telling people the same thing. I want her to be outgoing, so I was so excited that she was open enough to like spending time with everyone. I think when I have said it, it was more about my dd than the person she was with.


I don't think it was a dig, either.  I would overlook it as you would want DIL to not jump to the wrong conclusion if you said something she took the wrong way.

lancaster lady

Hope so guys ....I suppose with our previous history , just makes me touchy !
At one time no one else was allowed to look after GD , now anyone can ..!

Too true OW , I'm very careful these days .I guess it was an innocent remark .

Keys Girl

LL, doesn't matter if it was a dig, at least you got to spend time with the GC, and if anyone can spend time with the GC, they are probably getting tired of being the only caregivers. 

I would be on my guard too, this type of hostility just doesn't grow wings and fly away in my experience.
"Today I will be as happy as a seagull with a french fry." Author Unknown


I don't think it was a dig either.  I think it was just a remark about GD maturing and starting to like people in general. 

Happy of Happiest Birthdays LL!
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

lancaster lady

Thank you Dear Pooh :

I'm not the kind of person to hold a grudge , but remembering the torture I went through , not
that long ago , kinda leaves a scar , and it's healing, sure , but at the back of my mind I am
still not 100% sure of my f/dil's motives sometimes .
If someone can be so cruel to another person ....does a leopard change it's spots ?
I hope so !


I think it is rare that someone's spots change completely, but I do think the spots can get integrated with a few stripes as we grow.  I would like to think my spots have blurred a little with some cute little stripes along the way.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell


LL, I don't know your history with your DIL. But would it be possible to just ask when you're unsure of what is said, "What do you mean?" Instead of thinking the worst. I do that now instead of guessing what someone meant. I don't say it ugly or hateful. I just simply say, "What do you mean?" period.


OOOPPSSSS, Sorry, Happy birthday tooo. Hope it was a great one with many to follow.

lancaster lady

Hi Kennedy ...
as we were in company and at a family bbq , everyone there knows our history , so
I think those words would have met a stony silence .
what I would have said was ''I'm not just anybody ''
however I chose to smile and say that's good .
I never will know if she is being sincere when she's extra nice to me , it's just that feeling I get of doubt .
Thankx for the B'day wishes .....
Donna ;
The whole purpose of me befriending my f/dil is because of my GD .
As long as I see her on a regular basis ,I am fine .
She made it quite plain I will never have a mother/daughter relationship with her .
I would be ashamed if my own DD acted the way she did towards me .

Anyway water under the bridge etc .....My GD loves me and that's all that matters ... :)



I agree with Kennedy. "What do you mean?" addresses inconsiderate behavior as well as passive aggression. It means you are confused by what she meant and it requires explanation. Particularly because there is no way of knowing for sure what she meant unless you ask. I have done this with my MIL. She always says, "Oh, you wish you weren't leaving so soon; you don't want to go home, you want to stay here forever and ever..." to my DD. I finally asked her what she meant, and she said, "I  mean I don't want her to leave so soon." Okay, THAT I can handle. I didn't have to wonder about what she meant (why wouldn't my baby ever want to go home to her own house with her parents?) because I asked and she explained. Since then, my MIL has begun to say "I wish you weren't leaving" instead of projecting her feelings onto DD...who was only 5 months old at the time this happened.

My FIL asked me "What do you mean?" when I said I wouldn't want to marry a baseball player because they'd be off in Florida for spring training for three months and then traveling. He thought I meant I hate Florida. I don't. I just meant that a baseball playing husband would be away for a long time for spring training and then gone for a good chunk of the year traveling here and there. That has to be hard on a marriage. He interpreted my first statement to mean I was against Florida for some reason (which is the state where he and MIL live). Since he questioned me, I could clarify what I meant and we could move on. If he chooses to not believe me and considers that I still have some complaint about Florida itself, that's his problem...but I was given the chance to explain. I wouldn't have thought anything of my original statement had he not asked. Had he not asked, he would still be bothered by it.

Fun times having to watch what we say, huh?


..and I say that because I am sure that it won't be the only time she says something that could imply an insult. You have communicated well with her before, and have been successful. I think this is along those lines. You don't want to keep a lid on hurt feelings. People that are in fact passive aggressive often don't realize what they're doing is hurtful...they aren't managing their frustration well, so it comes out in other ways like backhanded compliments. Addressing it when it happens with them allows them to modify their behavior. I think that if you address it right away, she will modify her behavior naturally over time. Sometimes, we just don't realize the things we say can be hurtful.

My boss just did the same thing to me. He asked me how I liked my job, and I said "Good....I guess." He said, "What do you mean?" I said, "Oh, I like the job, I enjoy it, I think I am ready for some new challenges, I also was curious about what you thought about my performance." He corrected my poor communication skills for me..and hopefully I gave him a much better answer than, "Good, I guess..." LOL.