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Offline stilltrying2010

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MIL coming...
« on: May 21, 2011, 05:09:37 PM »
ok - MIL has told DH today that she will be visiting in 3 wks.  They have chosen to drive & stretch out the drive for 4 days each way to get here.  When they arrive my parents will have been gone less than 48 hrs, I be recovered fairly well from the c-section and new baby will be 3 wks old.  According to DH (since MIL didnt speak to me) there is NO end date for their visit... this bothers me as I cannot have a countdown or thought process of 3 days left to go.  Also, DH has cousins who live within 3 hrs that typically MIL invites over while she's visiting us.  I am not interested in this at this time. 

AM I being inappropriate?  I don't care if MIL goes to see them but I have no interest in getting together with these relatives jsut b/c MIL is here. Additionally, my DH thinks MY negative attitude is going to turn the "visit" negatively - I think I am going my past experiences.  SO is it me or what???

Offline elsieshaye

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Re: MIL coming...
« Reply #1 on: May 21, 2011, 05:53:28 PM »
Why does she have to stay with you?  Would your husband agree to limit her visit?
This too shall pass.  All is well.

holliberri

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Re: MIL coming...
« Reply #2 on: May 21, 2011, 07:22:46 PM »
I don't think you are wrong about her staying for an indefinite about of time. I think you need to be specific about how long she can stay...simply because guests in the house are different than routine, and routines are great for moms and babies, IMO. 

I think that is okay for you to say no additional guests at this time too...perhaps a dinner at a restaurant would be better for meeting? My ILs live 18 hours away, and if they're within a halfday driving distance, we always try to get together for dinner. I don't think that is unreasonable for a 3 hour drive. You could go if you want, or *stay home with the baby, who may or may not have the immunity to be around a crowd of people*. My doctor asked me to wait until 6 weeks before I started having more than one to two guests over at a time, or before I started taking the baby to crowded places. I didn't intend to follow that rule, but there was a pertussis outbreak in a nearby school the day DD was born so I decided that I would do the best I could.  Fortunately, I'm not that popular so I think the only time I had two visitors come was when my ILs came. No biggie.

As for a negative attitude...I believe negative assumptions can make a future situation negative instead of positive. Negative assumptions are used to help us prepare, but we can't really prepare for everything, and some things may or may not happen. As long as you aren't running "what-ifs" by your DH and saying how angry they will make you, I don't think it's a big deal though. Your goal of limiting her visit to a set time period and not really wanting a crowd at the house are not the same thing as a negative attitude (unless you're yelling at him about it?).

The way I see it is that a more definite/limited visit and a requirement to limit the number of visitors in your home during that time is a way to make the stay more positive, not negative. You would be making it more comfortable for you, which could not hurt the amount of enjoyment your MIL has while she does stay.

Offline luise.volta

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Re: MIL coming...
« Reply #3 on: May 21, 2011, 07:27:28 PM »
Your house…your call. I mean it. You already have your hands full. Get DH on board. People can make vague and open ended visits to suite themselves…they just have to work the details out with the hotel. You aren't negative…you are realistic. They need to be to. I have never been the "y'all come, the more the merrier, open-door policy" person. There are all kinds and they are great. So am I. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

LaurieS

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Re: MIL coming...
« Reply #4 on: May 21, 2011, 09:25:13 PM »
ST... You seem to be upset and concerned by the conversation between your dh and your in-laws, yet I only see you building resentment, anger and an attitude towards the in-laws.  Yes this is your home, your new baby, your body and mind.. as well, it is your husbands home and new baby.   If you and dh can't get on the same page concerning what is appropriate for your immediate family how can you hold your in-laws responsible? 

I can't agree that this is solely 'your' call... you have a partnership that I feel must be taken into account.  You should be able to explain to your husband that you do not feel that you will be up to having guest.. I hope that will work for you as I do not think I would want extra extended family visiting.

Your husband is correct, if you view the entire visit as negative, it very possibly has no chance to be anything but negative.  If I had to feel that my dil was doing nothing more then counting down the days till I left, then yes I think my visit would be strained and ripe for some negativity.  I guess I never thought of stating my departure date first in order to give my dil something tangible to hang onto and look forward to.

Just curious.. when are your parents coming, as you mentioned that the baby will be 3 weeks old by time your parents leave.

Offline stilltrying2010

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Re: MIL coming...
« Reply #5 on: May 22, 2011, 12:47:05 AM »
elsiehayes - in DHs family it seems they can't get enough of each other - seriously most live within 15 mins of each other yet will spend 3 days (of entire extended family) for holidays etc.  THIS IS NOT ME - I am a private person.  I can enjoy seeing them all but it is the extended amts of time that does me in. MIL & step FIL cannot afford to stay in a hotel.  They WANT to drive so they can have their car to go "do things".  I told my DH to pay for their tickets so we could control their stay (plus 6 hrs on a plane seems btr than 4 days 7 hrs each in a car) but they want to do what they want to do.
Holly - visitors to our home will be no more than 2 at a time. Interesting about the pertussis aka whopping cough (DH had it in April!!) but we've all done antibiotics & I am supposed to get the booster shot before I come home.  I have to say I am not running the what-if game past my DH; I am just going by what has happened in the past (although I am anticipating how angry they will make me).  I know I could make a list of the crappy things they have said/done to me over previous visits & when I had our 1st DD the amt of help they were (zero - no cooking, cleaning, and comparison comments).  I agree that it will be difficult to "make a positive visit" with my attitude.
Louise -thank you, although maybe as I explain more of how I’m feeling I seem more “at fault”.
Laurie - I was kind of hoping you would respond since I DO value the other side of the coin.  My DH and I disagree on how to handle things.  He was raised in one way & I in another.  I asked him if he wanted me to tell them when I was offended by things they said & did rather than letting it build. He responded that he didn’t want to talk about it right now.   So the wheels spin.  DH NEVER says anything TO THEM even when he is totally offended/disregarded.  I never said his parents should not visit just that I need to have an end in sight.  I can handle them in small doses but previous visits have lasted 3 wks.  My parents are coming (my mom for 2 wks & dad for 1).   Strangely, when we told them all we were preg DH asked my mom to come down when the baby was born.  My parents will cook, clean, talk to both of us, not call all our siblings or expect to be entertained while they are here.  My Dad wants a list of things to be done around the house, they will adapt to our DD’s schedule.  DH suggested that since MIL lost a sister recently that things might be different this time? Also, he said he would tell them that they had to help.  I’m sure that will go over well.  If it were 5 days or even a wk I could handle it but just we’re coming…
Frankly, I have NO relationship with my MIL.  So at this most vulnerable time for me and my family, she is NOT someone I would choose to have around.  I am trying to accommodate my DHs feelings but at what expense to my own?  Is this about their “grandparent experience” or us having a baby? I feel like it is a critical stranger who gossips to everyone posted & watching in my home.  I asked my DH to take time off when HIS parents were here but to no avail.  I do see this as a DH problem & we are NOT communicating/agreeing on how to handle them.  I don’t have time to solve it now.  For MONTHS I tried to talk to DH about this and I got the you’re worrying about something that might not happen.  Well, now 48 hrs before my surgery I am spun up.  MIL is so concerned for me and loves me so that she spoke to my DH asked to speak to our DD (for the 4th or 5th time this year) who said she was busy but didn’t speak to me at all.  Gee, I feel the love & concern. 

Offline lancaster lady

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Re: MIL coming...
« Reply #6 on: May 22, 2011, 01:49:31 AM »
St .......As my DS lives a short distance ,I have never stayed over .However before my GD was born fdil told me she wanted time to bond with baby when she was born .She didn't actually say don't come but I took that as a cue for me to  have a short and sweet visit .I totally understand where you are coming from .At the  moment I am staying with my ODS for a few days ,and I know he will be glad  when we go lol We love each other to bits ,but I.know he values his provacy and his private life .As he loves us ,he puts up with us lol We are staying 4 days pre arranged .               Re the cousins coming  over , I.think she should go.visit them ..........we know your MIL wants and.needs to see her new gc ,but I think stating how long the visit should be is common courtesy and she being a mom should respect what you have and are going through .Your  DH should ask his DM how long she will be staying .This is not offensive and gives you time to plan .......over to him ....good luck with the impending birth of your beautiful new baby ,concentrate on this and tell your DH to organise his DM .....!

RedRose

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Re: MIL coming...
« Reply #7 on: May 22, 2011, 06:41:57 AM »
Maybe your husband will find out how long they are staying once they arrive..or he feels they can stay as long as they are able to.

Maybe he feels there should not be a problem with visiting, after all, your parents will be visiting too.

I would always let the visits just happen, cause if I didn't treat his family the way I want to be treated...he may do the same to me with my family.

After all, doesn't everyone just want to see the baby?..They are not staying forever.

holliberri

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Re: MIL coming...
« Reply #8 on: May 22, 2011, 07:19:43 AM »
I think this decision has to be up to both of you...people don't get an unlimited visit just because my DH would be okay with that. It's my house too, and given that he'll be working and I would be the one at home all day with the baby and a child, visitors would be more of a disruption to my routine,  not his. We'd need to work out some sort of common ground, and a deadline (not for a countdown, but so I can have some assurance that my life is in fact returning to normal) seems like a reasonable thing. It's not up to her how  long she stays at your house if she is prone to long visits...it's up to you and your DH. I'm sure that you guys can find a compromise on this somehow.

However, I also think that your parents staying for two weeks (no matter how much they help) creates this idea that your house is open to really long stays. You said last time MIL stayed for three weeks...that was uncomfortable for you. Is two better and totally acceptable? I would say that is totally fair since your mom stayed for two weeks. You can't really expect her to stay less than that. Have you told DH, "Two weeks is what will work best for me, what are your thoughts?"

Hindsight is 20/20, but it seems that if the invitation was made, the timeframe should have been given then...like, "We'd like you to come for two weeks if you can stay for that long...does that work?" Just because it wasn't said then, doesn't mean you guys can't say it when she gets there. You have quite a few weeks before she comes to talk to DH about it. Since she is driving...yes, she can stay for a really long time, but she can also leave at will too. I don't see why you couldn't tell her when sometime in between now and then, "Geez, we've had visitors for the past month, and while we appreciate the help...we'd like our house to return to being our little home again by XXX. We hope you understand and we're looking forward to your visit."

Offline Pen

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Re: MIL coming...
« Reply #9 on: May 22, 2011, 07:30:22 AM »
ST, as a former DIL/new mom I understand your concern. I also understand how awkward it is to be around people you don't like. Do you suppose your DH is feeling the same about your Ps? They comfort and help you, but they may be seen differently by DH.

As a current MIL, I am not liked or valued by my DIL. We've never been invited to their home, and I'm sure we would not be invited to stay if/when GC arrive. DH & I are as important to DS as DIL's FOO is to her, but DS is kind enough to put up with his ILs while DIL is not.

In the event of new GC arrival, I'd be trying to ignore the awkwardness with DIL in order to spend time with DS and GC. Of course I would be aware of DIL's needs as a new mom recovering from delivery, but I'd be most interested in DS & GC since DIL has set it up that way from day one. If we had a closer relationship with DIL we'd be more caring towards DIL. Your MIL will need to be reminded of your needs, but if your Ps have been there awhile she's probably  going to want equal time. She sees your DH as half of your partnership - he is, isn't he?
 
I'd limit your Ps time as well as your ILs time to one week each, tops. If it's too late to do that, get on the google and find a lot of day trips in your area for the ILs to enjoy. Stock up on prepared food at Costco and buy a lot of paper plates. Good luck!
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
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holliberri

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Re: MIL coming...
« Reply #10 on: May 22, 2011, 07:42:33 AM »
I'd limit your Ps time as well as your ILs time to one week each, tops. If it's too late to do that, get on the google and find a lot of day trips in your area for the ILs to enjoy. Stock up on prepared food at Costco and buy a lot of paper plates. Good luck!

This exactly. Day trips would be wonderful for visitors. I find that when I take some time apart from ILs, we all regroup and it resets the mood when we reconvene. When DH and I were in Italy, our biggest mistake was being with them for 14 days 100% of the time. The trips where we took a little time for ourselves (not even for long, maybe a dinner or a walk around Venice for an hour) really helped tremendously and I think both ILs and us (even if our time was separte for a little while) benefitted. Quality over quantity.

Plus...I mean really, if I was every staying for anywhere that long, I think I'd like a little entertainment and tourism while I'm there. 2 weeks in your house all day sounds like a drag to me, no matter how cute GKs are. I hope that wasn't mean, I'm just trying to point out that if Im' taking two weeks out of my schedule, even if it is to help, I'd expect time to do my own thing and see the area.

Offline Pen

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Re: MIL coming...
« Reply #11 on: May 22, 2011, 08:09:08 AM »
Holly, after I posted this I thought "One week each, are you nuts Pen? Three days each is more like it!" LOL.

I'm not good in groups for long periods of time. I'd definitely want to get out and explore around on my own. My SM always tries to control my visits to DF & SM by insisting that I don't need a rental car or a hotel, but I can't stand being tied to them 24/7. If the budget allows, I get a rental car and other accomodations now, much to her chagrin. Learned that one the hard way.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
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Offline pam1

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Re: MIL coming...
« Reply #12 on: May 22, 2011, 08:36:16 AM »
ST, is it possible to use the money that you would be willing to spend on their plane tickets on a hotel instead?

I think there is no use applying what's fair or equal here.  It's what is in the best interest of the household.  It's in the bottom line best interest for the baby to have calm parents.
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

holliberri

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Re: MIL coming...
« Reply #13 on: May 22, 2011, 08:39:42 AM »
I am the same...three days is my limit, and I have even shortened that when I have visited my brother. I need a little sense of control over my time, and I need to recharge. I try to bend my times when visitor sb come, my Ils are staying for a week in June...but I revel in an empty house after that.

Offline stilltrying2010

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Re: MIL coming...
« Reply #14 on: May 22, 2011, 09:26:52 AM »
Pen Wrote:
Quote
As a current MIL, I am not liked or valued by my DIL. We've never been invited to their home, and I'm sure we would not be invited to stay if/when GC arrive. DH & I are as important to DS as DIL's FOO is to her, but DS is kind enough to put up with his ILs while DIL is not.

In the event of new GC arrival, I'd be trying to ignore the awkwardness with DIL in order to spend time with DS and GC. Of course I would be aware of DIL's needs as a new mom recovering from delivery, but I'd be most interested in DS & GC since DIL has set it up that way from day one. If we had a closer relationship with DIL we'd be more caring towards DIL. Your MIL will need to be reminded of your needs, but if your Ps have been there awhile she's probably  going to want equal time. She sees your DH as half of your partnership - he is, isn't he?
 
I'd limit your Ps time as well as your ILs time to one week each, tops. If it's too late to do that, get on the google and find a lot of day trips in your area for the ILs to enjoy. Stock up on prepared food at Costco and buy a lot of paper plates. Good luck!

This really hits home for me.  I am certain my MIL feels the same way about me but interestingly, I feel the same way.  I do not invite MIL to my home because she does not speak to me, our DD, call our home anything.  If per chance we do speak (usually when DD hands me the phone) it is about the weather OR SILs kids – never asks about OUR family, OUR DD – this adds to the animosity.  I can see how my DH is kind to put up with my parents while I complain about the ILs.  When DD was born all MIL never did anything – just added to tension/stress of 1st time parent & made statements like “I’ve never seen a bellybutton that looked like that, she looks just like my grandson (about 1,000,000 times), aren’t you ever going to put that baby down, you sure kiss her a lot etc.  My parents came for 5 days while they stayed 3 wks.  While my parents were here they made multiple meals to refrigerate/freeze.  My ILs never cooked anything – only ate the stuff MY family had made until they left (thereby leaving us on our own when they did leave). 
Anyway, what I wanted to ask is what would get you to the closer relationship with your DIL?  I tried calling regularly in attempt to talk but am always inundated with info about SILs kids or family gossip (stuff that would anger me if I were the topic).  I send MIL all the same photos that my FOO receives.  I am at a loss at where to go from here.  When my MIL “concentrates” on our DD while she will be talking about SILs kids.  We live 2000 miles away from all ILs so DD sees these cousins (who are 5-10 yrs older than her) maybe once a year.  We don’t really talk to them nor they to us (DH is somewhat at odds with his DS). 
I appreciate everyones input it gives me a lot to think about.   But for now, I am going to concentrate on the baby & DH & DD and what every else will be, will be.