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Son's girlfriend and their new baby - she took both

Started by sadat46, November 18, 2009, 11:33:07 am

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November 18, 2009, 11:33:07 am Last Edit: November 23, 2009, 08:24:03 am by sadat46
Hi All,

My son and his girlfriend live together.  My hubby and I helped them move and I bought them things.  Long story short she is extremely mad at me and I am not allowed to see the new baby.  I said and did some things that broke "her rules" and I asked for forgiveness but she said that forgiveness is not given lightly by her and it will take some time.

I really want to be over this.  I am seeking some counseling just to learn how to deal with this.  My son is caught in the middle.  She is a very controlling person.  She says I hurt her Mom and best friend.  She did not tell her Mom that she was pregnant until right before she had the baby.  They live out of state. I told her to tell her Mom.  She said I hurt her Mom by telling her I knew first.   I did not tell her, she asked me.

I really hate to lose my son and a grandbaby. 

All this came to attention this past Sunday.   What can I do?  I sent an email deeply apologizing and she replied with a very strong email pretty much saying she doesn't forgive me.

I have gone from hurt to anger to hurt again.

I just really feel inadequate.


My thoughts are with you during this confusing, hurtful time. This site is helping me, I hope it can help you.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb


It seems to me like you are on the right track. You have admitted your wrongs and apologized. It's probably time for a "time out." Counseling was very wise and I hope you let her know that you have been willing to go that far.

Sometimes it's hard to learn "new rules"...many of us have come across this issue, tripped and fallen.

Sending good thoughts.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama


Thank you.  Yes I have committed to time out but I still don't think I deserve to be punished.  I think there is some jealousy on her part and undeserving actions towards me.  She got pregant right before this recent pregnancy and lost it and then turned around and got pregnant again.   My son and her are not married.  I think she is very manipulating.  I know a woman does not conceive on her own but I was always responsible to take birth control when necessary.   She is 28 and my son is 25.

I am just so frustrated.  My son hurts me because he knows if I said something or did something I was only trying to help and not hurt anyone.

I truly am a good loving person. 

The one thing I plan to do is request to help with the nursery on Sundays at church.  That might help me with the urge to want to hold my new grandbaby.

I am sure I can find one to babysit some on the weekends. 

I was just so excited about having one.  I am 46 and have a daughter and step son.  I know my step son would not allow this to happen.  His Mom would even share with me.  I am really not that hard to get along with.


Hello, and welcome Sadat46,

I'm in the same boat for different reasons, so I can only add to what others have said. 

This site and the people who post here have helped me a lot, so I hope you'll read and stick around.

My DIL is still not speaking to me and hasn't responded to my written apology (she lives abroad).    I have received from my son the same message "this will take some time".    My son is the man in the middle, and I have mixed feelings about how he's handling this.

Hang in there and here!



In reality, if anyone hurt her mom, she did ..by not telling her she was pregnant. Could it be that she feels guilty now ?  ; seems like you are being blamed for her actions.

The same thing happened to me with the apologizing ( I didn't even know what I was sorry for but I said it anyway ); the next day the letter came telling me that it was not accepted.... I guess she didn't feel I had been punished enough ). The punishment and jail time has now lasted over 10 yrs... I can't even get out on good behavior ( it must have been a life sentence. ). Sadly, I have learned to accept it and not hurt all the time.

Just know that you are not alone and I hope you find some comfort here with other moms.


Thank you for listening and responding.

This is affecting me so poorly.  I have a lot more going on that I need to concentrate on but I am having a very hard time getting over it.

I have not been a perfect Mom, but I think I have done some really good things for my son and deserve to see my grandchild. 


Many hugs from me, Sadat.....I can't come up with anything but that I am so sorry. I know the feeling.  We're here for you.

Maybe the others can help in a way that I can't.  I'm too close to the situation.


Thank you it has been a very hard and long week for me.  I am letting this affect my other relationships because I am on edge. I want an appointment with a counselor so that I can feel better and stop dwelling on it and try to stop analyzing what I did.  I am so bad about that.  The way she described it was I committed the most unforgivable sins. 

I have others I need to redirect my time on, so that is what I will do this weekend.

I need to concentrate on my work and prepare for my Thanksgiving dinner.   


sadat46, I'm really sad to hear your story and it makes me think twice about how I might handle future "grandchildren" situations with my own troublesome FMIL.  It sounds like you are taking a lot of positive steps towards dealing with this and I hope this helps you feel better but it still doesn't allow you to be closer to your grandchildren.  Do you know which "rules" the DIL thinks you broke?  Some parents can be very very picky about how to raise their children - especially in the beginning when they are nervous about how good they will be at it.  If that's the case, can you respect the wishes of your son and DIL?  It sounds like you would... Then again, people can also use petty incidents as an excuse for cutting off contact or behaving badly..  if this is the case then I'm not sure what you can do.  But I hope you feel better.


Sorry you have to go thru this.  I am in the exact same boat.  My DIL is a controlling B...and according to her I wore the wrong dress to her wedding.  My son "thinks" she loves him but she orders him around like a slave.   I tried everything to make amends but she is just not a forgiving person.  I went thru crying myself to sleep every night, anger, resentment, sadness, hurt and so forth....I've forgotten what the baby looks like so I am moving on.
I can't or am not interested in controlling them or dealing with them.  I am so hurt by my son's behavior I almost don't like him either.
He controls by being passive.  They have to deal with their issues...eventually their friends will drift away...some have already said some things to me.   I worry about the baby with a mother like that but there is nothing I can do.  I have moved on and am enjoying my life for me.  I have wonderful friends and am active and busy with classes and so forth.  I send love to the baby everyday and I wish my DIL and son well in thought. 
I hope you are able to resolve things with them but in the mean time....DON'T BE A VICTIM...LET HER WALLOW IN HER BITTERNESS....send good thoughts to the baby and don't contact them for a while...see what happens.
I think these kind of people are extremely angry and frightened.  Immaturity plays a big role too....the baby will show them the errors of their ways...and just hope it isn't too late for them to change....I always wish for that!!


Dear Mistie,
I was wondering if you have a daughter?  If you do, sometimes it's easier to just say, "enough, I'm through with this behavior" because you don't usually get this treatment from a daughter.

Some of us only have sons and it is extremely hard when they are all you have.

So sad that you were told you "wore the wrong dress" at the wedding.  Of course you know that you didn't.  It seems to me that that would have been your choice to wear what you wanted to it.  I don't understand many DILs so I don't know why some of them heap all the hurt on us.

I know that you're not supposed to wear black or white or RED at a wedding but of course, that's my Grandmother's tapes running through my head.  She was a stickler for total decorum.  I doubt if many of her rules apply today.

Welcome aboard.  We're trying to find our way. :)


No I don't have a daughter, I have only my son and no other children.  I wore a beige "MOTHER OF THE BRIDE" dress that was quite matronly looking.   The dress is not the issue here, it is my DIL.  She does not get along with her own mother and her father is quite interesting...they are divorced.  She has deep seeded anger with her brother who passed away.   She's a mess and instead of looking within and getting herself straightened out, she pushes her issues on others.  She is a major controller and has done quite nicely controlling my son.  I'm  not going to let her control me or am I going to let her USE the baby as a tool to punish others.  I'm not going to do that to him. 
They will learn and unfortunately they will learn the hard way if they so choose.  There are many people out there that play victim but I am not going to be the victim here.
Am I sad that I can't see my grandson?  YES very much so, but I am choosing to turn my sadness into creativity.  I will do other things and I am also going to keep sending him gifts at appropriate times.   I am keeping a journal for him when he gets of age so he will know that I tried to be in his life. 
My son is her husband and as a result of her sick behavior he is angry with me because I have asked many times WHAT'S WRONG HERE?  WHY ARE YOU GUYS SO ANGRY WITH ME?   He can't answer that because he doesn't know either, but to keep peace he CHOOSES to stay quiet.  It makes me angry how passive he is, but it is his life and he is in his 30's as she is so it is up to them.
They both have great jobs and finances are not a question here so they don't need help with that.
Am I angry?  Yeah but I am not going to let them control my behavior, health or life....I pray they don't choose to learn the hard way.


I envy your strength!!!  Wish I had a dose of it.....good for you! I think you're someone to 'model'.


I admire your strength, too, Mistie. And about the MOTG dress, I'm ROTFL. I bought a matronly, ankle-length, grey dress after reading about wedding etiquette online (who knew there were so many rules?) The rules say the MOTG is to "wear beige and shut up." Oh, and pay up. I tried, but I just couldn't wear that monstrosity. Maybe that's when the trouble started; I don't know. The only way we got copies of wedding photos was to hold a classic photo of my dad ransom - DS desperately wanted it, so I made a bargain with him and was allowed a limited amount of time to scan wedding photos from an album.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb