Author Topic: Starting a Family...  (Read 2516 times)

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swp0710

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Starting a Family...
« on: May 05, 2011, 02:37:30 PM »
My husband and I got engaged around Christmastime and were excited to be done with college, engaged and home to celebrate with our families.  On Christmas Day, we went to DH's parents house to celebrate. DH and FIL were in FIL's office looking at FIL's newest tech gadget and MIL and I were in the kitchen. She asked if I'd like to help, which made me feel special and we got busy making the food. We started talking about the wedding and our initial thoughts and eventually the conversation turned to when we planned to have children. I told her it would be at least a year, maybe two since there was planning and something physical complications I would have to deal with regarding being pregnant. Now, this is where things get tricky... I explained everything I could about what the physical limitations would entail. I concluded by explaining that our choices are to adopt or use an egg donor and go with IVF. We are happy with either option, so it's really whatever route we decide to take. I had never really opened up to MIL about this side of me, so I didn't know how she'd react. She was silent for a few seconds and then said, "Well, you're both still going to try, right?" I didn't know what to say and I'm not sure I know whether to read anything into her response or just let it go. Any insight, ladies?

Offline elsieshaye

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Re: Starting a Family...
« Reply #1 on: May 05, 2011, 02:52:13 PM »
I personally would let it go, and just assume she was suffering from information overload, or doesn't understand your physical situation as well as you do.  (I know sometimes I try to explain things about my diabetes to someone, and because they just don't have the time invested in learning about it, including the physiology involved, I get a confused look and a question that indicates they don't get it.  I've learned to give short, oversimplified answers very light on detail.)
This too shall pass.  All is well.

Offline pam1

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Re: Starting a Family...
« Reply #2 on: May 05, 2011, 03:05:20 PM »
Oh SWP, welcome :)  You and I are in very, very similar boats.  No matter how much I explained my infertility issues, my MIL still says cruel and insensitive things.  I personally gave up, she gets no more information.  The more information she had, the more she had weapons to hurt with. 

I even thought we were doing pretty well there for a while but no dice.

You know, people who are not infertile don't talk about their methods for planning, I'm not sure why so many people expect infertile couples to explain themselves.  Anyway, glad you made it here and welcome again.
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Starting a Family...
« Reply #3 on: May 05, 2011, 03:10:09 PM »
Guessing is pretty useless. Especially guessing what other people are thinking. It's always OK to say, "I'm not sure what you mean?"

My "guess" is that she knows it may be a time consuming issue and she's glad you are young and have the time.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

LaurieS

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Re: Starting a Family...
« Reply #4 on: May 05, 2011, 03:23:09 PM »
She was silent for a few seconds and then said, "Well, you're both still going to try, right?"

I would have sat silent for a moment and said well we've been trying every since we started dating.. why stop now.

AnonymousDIL

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Re: Starting a Family...
« Reply #5 on: May 05, 2011, 03:35:03 PM »
My advice. When MIL says something you find "offensive" (I would have been offended by her comment) develop a thick skin and let it go. MIL's are only human. All humans have the ability to contract "Foot in Mouth" syndrome. I'm sure she will LOVE her GK no matter how that child comes into the world.  ;)

LaurieS

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Re: Starting a Family...
« Reply #6 on: May 05, 2011, 03:38:04 PM »
it did not seem to me that she was shunning you for having limitations with conception, and while you would be looking at other alternatives of course you will probably continue trying the old fashion way.  I agree with Adil, you're going to need a little thicker skin because seldom do people say the exact thing you need to hear, when you need to hear it.

swp0710

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Re: Starting a Family...
« Reply #7 on: May 05, 2011, 03:43:52 PM »
Thank you all for the posts.

The only reason I'm baffled lies in the reason for alternatives. I have non-producing ovaries. I was born with a genetic defect that put me through menopause by the age of 3. I can't physically make the baby, even if I wanted to. That's why I was struck by her question.

You are all right about thick skin; I just need to remember to use it :-)

AnonymousDIL

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Re: Starting a Family...
« Reply #8 on: May 05, 2011, 03:49:41 PM »
Thank you all for the posts.

The only reason I'm baffled lies in the reason for alternatives. I have non-producing ovaries. I was born with a genetic defect that put me through menopause by the age of 3. I can't physically make the baby, even if I wanted to. That's why I was struck by her question.

You are all right about thick skin; I just need to remember to use it :-)

Is MIL religious? Because, well, miracles CAN happen.... At least that's MHO.

holliberri

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Re: Starting a Family...
« Reply #9 on: May 05, 2011, 03:54:21 PM »
Hi Swp. Welcome to the board! I hope you will read our Forum Agreement when you get the chance. I see the course have already welcomed you. I think I can relate....so I will chime in later!

swp0710

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Re: Starting a Family...
« Reply #10 on: May 05, 2011, 03:56:06 PM »
Thank you, Holly!

She is not religious at all, but DH and I are. Unfortunately, I've had two OB's tell me that I no longer have functioning ovaries in any capacity. Given my circumstance and my faith, I find it sort of promising/slightly ironic that my mother named me after Sarah from Genesis (without even knowing I would be born with my condition).

AnonymousDIL

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Re: Starting a Family...
« Reply #11 on: May 05, 2011, 03:59:07 PM »
Thank you, Holly!

She is not religious at all, but DH and I are. Unfortunately, I've had two OB's tell me that I no longer have functioning ovaries in any capacity. Given my circumstance and my faith, I find it sort of promising/slightly ironic that my mother named me after Sarah from Genesis (without even knowing I would be born with my condition).

God knows everything  ;) I'll pray for you that when the time comes, He blesses you. (But I see nothing wrong with adoption or any other method, DH and I plan to adopt.)

Offline Pen

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Re: Starting a Family...
« Reply #12 on: May 05, 2011, 05:15:35 PM »
Welcome, SWP! Your attitude regarding your condition is really great. You'll be a wonderful mom to a very lucky child one of these days, and I hope your MIL is able very soon to understand and support you. In the meantime, let the occasional insensitive comment go.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
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SassyDI

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Re: Starting a Family...
« Reply #13 on: May 05, 2011, 05:25:08 PM »
I don't know how I would take silence but she asked if you were still going to try.  Thats good sign to me at least.

With DH SCI(Spinal cord injury) we had to do IVF or adopt.  Dumb me told GMIL all about while helping her babysit DH's little cousin was was in town.  DH and ran to get subway and I told her how we were starting to look into it.  She told me that IVF was wrong in the eyes of the Catholic church that it went against my DH religous beliefs.  And that she knew a woman who couldn't have children so she made baby clothes and that I should use my daycare job as a way to have children.  I was floored and hurt. 

When we finally got pregnant with DD he called his Grandma and told her and she told him he needed to go to confession because what he did was a sin.  I told DH if he even thought about it I was walking out the door.  And I told him I would tell her off if she said it to me.  She never agian spoke of it.  SHe loves DD but it still boths me a little how she reacted. 

This same woman freaked out over my ultrasound picture but thats a whole different subjuect lol.

holliberri

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Re: Starting a Family...
« Reply #14 on: May 05, 2011, 06:00:04 PM »
SWP,

After 4 years of trying, DH and I began doing some investigating. He was diagnosed with male factor infertility. We went through IVF, but didn't get very far in the process (the meds didn't work). I then had 2 miscarriages (I conceived on my own). After more digging, the doctors said I had a folic acid deficiency. DD is finally here (my fourth pregnancy), and the whole time going through this...adopting was in the back of my mind. I am one letter reference away from a home study to adopt as well.

That's the short version. MIL still refuses to believe DH has a problem at all, and is quite comfortable with the fact that my uterus was just an "inhospitable environment" for eggs. She said I wasn't romantic enough in the bedroom. She said it was b/c we have cell phones. She also thought we were wasting money with IVF OR adoption. "Just do it the cheap way."

The doctors I worked with work with couples all the time who don't learn about fertility problems until AFTER they've had their first child, and they aren't totally convinced that I will have a second successful pregnancy. Time will tell. In the meantime....since we are adopting, MIL is not onto, "Just have your own." Also, those anecdotal stories about couples having kids miraculously after being diagnosed with infertility/subertility OR after having adopted are just that: miracles. They are rare...that is why they are talked about so much. Those stories are mentioned so often that people have begun to think that is the norm, and it's not.

Truth is, adoption grew into something different for me, and DH and I made the decision quite selfishly to adopt. It has nothing to do with giving someone a home. It has to do with another person bring added joy to our life because we get to take care of, love and watch them grow. That's all. I honestly feel that giving a child a home is insignificant compared to the experience I'll  get  raising another child. I think I'll get way more out of the adoption than just giving someone a home.

Anyhow, the lack of support is infuriating, but I don't think it's intentional. I really think that while MIL would never admit it, she'd love a child we conceive through IVF OR one that we adopt just as if I carried the baby myself. It won't matter in the end, it's just getting to the finish line where people are going to add to the difficulty. I'm just trying to tell myself that.

Also, I think the lack of support is par for the course for someone who never had to deal with fertility issues/miscarriage/the pins and needles of adoption. They just can't understand it. Period. So...they say insensitive things, throw out armchair diagnoses, and begin asking the most intrusive questions. The worst part about it is that they take YOUR problem, and instead of empathaizing with you...they make it THEIR problem b/c of their discomfort with it. 

I don't think you can change her...unless she's had trouble herself, she's not going to say, "I'm sorry, I understand. That sounds like a great plan."

Just do what is right for you...and try to ignore the comments...she really has NO idea what she is saying.