Author Topic: Wedding Aftermath (From a DIL)  (Read 6594 times)

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musicnerd86

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Wedding Aftermath (From a DIL)
« on: May 05, 2011, 01:25:46 PM »
So, after visiting the site and reading through a few entries, I've decided to come to you lovely WW and get some help...

My DH and I have been married for 10 months and we had dated for 8 years (high school and college). Both sets of parents always treated us well and both sets were extremely happy when we announced our engagement. There had been a couple of rough interactions between our parents in the course of our dating; but, for the most part, we could all co-habitate and get along well enough to enjoy an evening together. This all changed when the wedding planning started.

When it came time to do the invitations, my husband and I decided to buy our own card stock and print our own invitations and use the saved money for the more expensive parts of the wedding. My mom helped us do up the invites and they turned out as we wanted them to. Before we sent them out, we showed FIL and MIL to get their opinion and show them what we came up with. MIL had a problem with the way she was referred to in the invites. The way we referred to both sets of parents was the traditional "Mr. and Mrs. ____" and she did not approve of being referred to as "Mrs. (Insert FIL's name here) and told  us that she had her own name and that it should appear that way. We took note  of her opinion and went to start printing them out and getting them ready. My husband and I wanted to follow etiquette and weren't sure how to handle this. My mom was letting us use her printer, so we explained what MIL had requested and got her opinion. What my mom suggested was to do up the invites on my MIL's list the way she wanted and leave the rest as they already were. We thought this was fair and that's what we did. 4 days later, my DH calls and is in near tears. He asks if I would put my mom on speaker phone so he could talk to us together. I get her and he proceeds to tell us that we accidentally sent her one of the "wrong" invites and that she was pissed. She was so angry that she not only made DH cry, but she was also yelling at my 19 year old SIL and her own DM, both of whom had received the "correct" invites. My mom tells DH that she feels horrible and wants to call and apologize for the mix up and sort things out. When she does call, my MIL basically tells my DM that she "just doesn't know if forgiveness is possible." My mom then promptly made a final apology and hung up the phone. The rehearsal and wedding went as well as could be expected, with the exception of our photos, but that's a different story.

Sorry for the long post, but Our DMs still don't get along though and we're concerned about what will happen when we have our first child (which will be in a year or so). My MIL doesn't think she behaved rudely to my DM and shouldn't have had to forgive her for the mistake. Please, WW, help!

LaurieS

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Re: Wedding Aftermath (From a DIL)
« Reply #1 on: May 05, 2011, 01:43:30 PM »
It sounds like it's the trust issue that your fmil is having a hard time with.  Having two sets of invites might have been fine had everyone been upfront instead of looking sneaky.  I'm not saying that you were sneaking to appease everyone but that is how it most likely seemed to her.  Her anger, while maybe not totally justified is certainly understandable.

I feel sorry for your husband, he was really blindsided.


Offline luise.volta

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Re: Wedding Aftermath (From a DIL)
« Reply #2 on: May 05, 2011, 01:44:44 PM »
Welcome - I would step back and let them work through it. They are adults…or need to learn to be. The more people involved in any dispute…the more complex the resolution. I would let them know that you simply aren't going to do this…and then stand firm. No Matter What! No exceptions!

Any and all complaints need to be forwarded so you aren't drawn again into triangulation. "No need to tell me this…tell her/him." Or "Sorry, I'm not going to attempt to follow this because it isn't any of my business. What else is going on with you?" And other comments like: "Please lets change the subject, you know I am not going to get into this, render any opinion at all or participate in any way."

You have started a new family unit…not a battlefield for parents to do the ego-dance. Your new family unit is about the two of you. You make up the rules…just like your respective parents once did, and the time to set boundaries is now. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

musicnerd86

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Re: Wedding Aftermath (From a DIL)
« Reply #3 on: May 05, 2011, 01:47:18 PM »
Thanks for the reply, Laurie :-)

We didn't know what else to do, because both sets of mothers would have seen a problem. My mother is very traditional and favors following etiquette for social occasions as this and I stated MIL's opinion on the matter. Looking back, what we did was sneaky and probably not the best thing to do in hindsight.

musicnerd86

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Re: Wedding Aftermath (From a DIL)
« Reply #4 on: May 05, 2011, 01:48:16 PM »
Well put, Luise!

LaurieS

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Re: Wedding Aftermath (From a DIL)
« Reply #5 on: May 05, 2011, 01:50:33 PM »
I don't know if I can agree with that... the last thing I think would be conducive to mending the relationship is telling them to take it up between themselves.  Yes music you have boundaries, but most likely overstepped your own boundaries when you tried to do what did not feel right to begin with.  I think it's up to you to speak up and accept responsibility for the partial name change.. Once again I do not feel that the two separate invitations was wrong, it was the fact that you were not upfront about it.

LaurieS

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Re: Wedding Aftermath (From a DIL)
« Reply #6 on: May 05, 2011, 01:54:33 PM »
Music.. I am in the same situation except my daughter is newly engaged.... she is going to have to work diligently to try and form a day and a union that works for  her and her future husband, and try to maintain a balance with their extended families.. not always easy.

The only advice I could really ofter her is to be up front.. if she does not like an idea, say so.. adults can handle that much.. invites, I suspect that dd will ask everyone how they would like to be presented on the invites and then she will proceed with what she thinks is best for her.

You're going to have to start a new topic of wedding talk... I may send my dd to you.. I'm about wedding talked out this week

Offline lancaster lady

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Re: Wedding Aftermath (From a DIL)
« Reply #7 on: May 05, 2011, 02:23:58 PM »
I was never shown the invites for my DS wedding which is in August , but received one last week !
My thought is , it's their day , mostly the brides in my case , I might not agree with all the arrangements , but it's not
for me to change things . I'm not the one getting married .
As it was 10 months ago , have things not moved on since then ? It's a long time to be hankering over a few invites .
I reckon you were trying to please both parties , a mountain has been made from a molehill .
Your DM has apologised , time for MIL to move on .


Offline pam1

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Re: Wedding Aftermath (From a DIL)
« Reply #8 on: May 05, 2011, 02:40:13 PM »
She wants attention, that's what I get from it.  What I noticed during my wedding planning and others that the superficial issue was never the issue, if that makes sense. 

Your MIL has to deal with being addressed improperly all the time and I bet she doesn't ring the sender up hooting and hollering.  I kept my own name and I'm used to people sending me stuff as Mrs. DH, even some of my own family does it.  I shake my head and move on, it happens too often to get really upset.

Something else was going on, she was putting on her Mama Bear suit, worried about losing her son, worried about being left out of the wedding etc. 

People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

LaurieS

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Re: Wedding Aftermath (From a DIL)
« Reply #9 on: May 05, 2011, 02:50:34 PM »
She wants attention, that's what I get from it.  What I noticed during my wedding planning and others that the superficial issue was never the issue, if that makes sense. 

Your MIL has to deal with being addressed improperly all the time and I bet she doesn't ring the sender up hooting and hollering.  I kept my own name and I'm used to people sending me stuff as Mrs. DH, even some of my own family does it.  I shake my head and move on, it happens too often to get really upset.

Something else was going on, she was putting on her Mama Bear suit, worried about losing her son, worried about being left out of the wedding etc.

From what the op said I did not get that she was worried about losing her son or being left out... I thought she became insulted when she felt that there was a sneaky attempt to appease her without being upfront about the true events taking place.

Offline elsieshaye

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Re: Wedding Aftermath (From a DIL)
« Reply #10 on: May 05, 2011, 02:55:20 PM »
Yes, but why hold on to that for 10+ months and turn it into a war?  Why not just say "hey, I'm kind of upset that you weren't more up front about how you were going to handle it", accept the apology and let it go?  I do understand having trust damaged, but am having trouble understanding the intensity of her response unless there's some other button that got pushed.
This too shall pass.  All is well.

Offline pam1

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Re: Wedding Aftermath (From a DIL)
« Reply #11 on: May 05, 2011, 02:58:15 PM »
She wants attention, that's what I get from it.  What I noticed during my wedding planning and others that the superficial issue was never the issue, if that makes sense. 

Your MIL has to deal with being addressed improperly all the time and I bet she doesn't ring the sender up hooting and hollering.  I kept my own name and I'm used to people sending me stuff as Mrs. DH, even some of my own family does it.  I shake my head and move on, it happens too often to get really upset.

Something else was going on, she was putting on her Mama Bear suit, worried about losing her son, worried about being left out of the wedding etc.

From what the op said I did not get that she was worried about losing her son or being left out... I thought she became insulted when she felt that there was a sneaky attempt to appease her without being upfront about the true events taking place.

Maybe, I just don't know many people nowadays who approve their invites through their Mom and MIL, it's a little much.  For me, there wouldn't be a cause for sneaking b/c well, who dictates their childrens invitations anymore? 
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

musicnerd86

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Re: Wedding Aftermath (From a DIL)
« Reply #12 on: May 05, 2011, 03:09:31 PM »
Thank you for the replies, ladies!

I'd like to clarify one thing. The only reason my DM was involved was because she is good at graphic design and helped us pick a font and design and helped with the phrasing. As I mentioned, she was raised by my GM to use etiquette and GM is serious about following Emily Post (not even joking; when my DM, aunt, 2 female cousins and I all turned 13, we got The Emily Post Guide to Etiquette for our birthdays). We didn't see the harm in following this format and that's what we decided to do. DH warned me that his DM would object to the phrasing, so that's why we asked her and FIL. Hindsight is always tricky and to this day, I'm not sure how I should have handled it. Her feathers would still have been ruffled, even if we had stuck with our guns.

Also, our mothers haven't exactly been chums. They've coexisted when needed, but never friendly since beginning. It started because when we started dating, DH was 6 months away from earning his Eagle Scout award. Even when we were still friends, he mentioned this to me and told me about how he was cutting some extra activities within scouts to focus on his final badges and project to finish. His mother took this as a sign that I was dragging him away from scouts; this got to a point where she was telling other adult leaders this as well. My brother was in another troop at the same time and word got around to my mom about this being said. That's where the animosity started.

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Wedding Aftermath (From a DIL)
« Reply #13 on: May 05, 2011, 03:11:57 PM »
No easy to deal with.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline pam1

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Re: Wedding Aftermath (From a DIL)
« Reply #14 on: May 05, 2011, 03:16:05 PM »
musicnerd, you are so right about hindsight being 20/20.

I was taught that etiquette rules were to make everyone comfortable, I know most of the absolute rules.  The name rule isn't absolute, if you know how someone prefers to be addressed that is how you're supposed to address them.  It's not a broad rule and meant to be applied to everyone. 

I do think there are some who use etiquette rules as weapons when it was really meant to be used as a tool to make everyone comfortable. 
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift