Author Topic: Just something I've been thinking about  (Read 7735 times)

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overwhelmed123

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Just something I've been thinking about
« on: April 27, 2011, 02:38:37 PM »
I have heard stories about awful DILs here and other places.  I read them and I think, "is this woman for real?"  And when the stories come from the DIL, I'm thinking, "how in your right mind can you be boasting about this as if you aren't ridiculously insane?"  So I've just been wondering lately (to myself of course, until now)- do you think these crazy, controlling, insecure DILs are the same ones who turn into awful MILs?  Do you think it just carries down to the next person she can control- which ends up being the kids?  Does anyone know anyone who has these controlling, manipulation problems who has problems with their mother in law and their daughter in law? 

I just keep thinking about these titles we give ourselves.  MIL, DIL, child, parent, etc.  But what it really comes down to is the woman's character and behavior.  I'd think that these same DILs who are just awful and tyrant like are the same ones who grow up and give their own DILs hell because they relive it when they become a MIL. 

I don't know...I just felt like sharing.  I wonder if there's any truth behind that.

Offline Nana

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Re: Just something I've been thinking about
« Reply #1 on: April 27, 2011, 03:03:16 PM »
Excellent thought to share Overwhelmed....It is true...what happens to those awful dils once they become mil's.  We will have to see the "finished product" .  If dil really thought that mils should keep their place out of their children's lives, will they respect it when they become mils  and feel it is fine?  Or will they forget all they were and done and want a priviledge treatment from dil?  Have some one seen the "finished product" ? 

Probably we havent seen the outcome because all this is happening with these new young dils?  Lets wait and see.  I hope I will still be alive to see what these dils think twenty years from now. 

Love

P.S,  I am only referring to the awful dils....cannot mention the awful mils....because their is no future to see lol.

Love is not love Which alters when it alteration finds, Or bends with the remover to remove:
Shakespeare

holliberri

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Re: Just something I've been thinking about
« Reply #2 on: April 27, 2011, 03:13:45 PM »
OW, I think you have a good point and you are probably right.

My MIL doesn't treat me "special." She treats me like she treats everyone else in her life. For every example of something I would consider "done to me," I can probably think of two more examples where she has "done them" to someone else, that was not me.

Conversely,  given all my pitfalls...I really don't treat her differently than I would another person...so my guess is that the DIL I am today is the MIL I will be later.

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Just something I've been thinking about
« Reply #3 on: April 27, 2011, 03:16:44 PM »
I can't go there to "Those Controlling Daughter in Laws"...becoming "Those Dreaded Mother in Laws." Generalizing is not where understanding and healing take place, IMHO. Each person who is making herself and others unhappy is a person and no two are alike. Sending love..
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline pam1

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Re: Just something I've been thinking about
« Reply #4 on: April 27, 2011, 03:20:05 PM »
ADIL and Laurie got me thinking the other day, shoot can't remember the thread right now.  But they were both describing their pov's on a similar matter.

It came across to me that the heart of the matter is rejection.  No matter which title you've got in the scenario.  We are all dealing with a type of rejection and that's probably one of the most painful issues human beings face.
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

LaurieS

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Re: Just something I've been thinking about
« Reply #5 on: April 27, 2011, 03:49:16 PM »
I can't go there to "Those Controlling Daughter in Laws"...becoming "Those Dreaded Mother in Laws." Generalizing is not where understanding and healing take place, IMHO. Each person who is making herself and others unhappy is a person and no two are alike. Sending love..

Lusie I don't think she was grouping and generalizing, but asking.. can this be a learned behavior that is carried on through the different titles in life.  I can only speak about my own family with any certainty, now as a child I developed  a personality that said 'don't jack with'.. I was a loving and good dil.. but then again they didn't jack with me.. my kids tried, and well that backfired and they learned that we all had a wonderful carefree life as long as.. they don't.. you know.. and I can pretty much say that it's followed me into my mil'ness or is that milhood ..

My dil was probably  close to being the perfect child.. I'm serious this girl from family stories never uttered a bad word, picked up her toys, etc.. her parents put her on a pedestal because well I'd probably do the same if I had a kid that good :)  But, she's carried that pedestal with her into her next relationship what was an honor turned into a bad learned behavior.. in both our cases. 

So I would think that it might be a worthwhile observation about how dil's present  themselves now could indeed be how they present themselves as mil's 

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Just something I've been thinking about
« Reply #6 on: April 27, 2011, 04:17:49 PM »
That may sometimes be true. I just cringe at the grouping. We are speaking of individulas. Senidng love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

SassyDI

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Re: Just something I've been thinking about
« Reply #7 on: April 27, 2011, 06:05:43 PM »
I have heard stories about awful DILs here and other places.  I read them and I think, "is this woman for real?"  And when the stories come from the DIL, I'm thinking, "how in your right mind can you be boasting about this as if you aren't ridiculously insane?"  So I've just been wondering lately (to myself of course, until now)- do you think these crazy, controlling, insecure DILs are the same ones who turn into awful MILs?  Do you think it just carries down to the next person she can control- which ends up being the kids?  Does anyone know anyone who has these controlling, manipulation problems who has problems with their mother in law and their daughter in law? 

I just keep thinking about these titles we give ourselves.  MIL, DIL, child, parent, etc.  But what it really comes down to is the woman's character and behavior.  I'd think that these same DILs who are just awful and tyrant like are the same ones who grow up and give their own DILs hell because they relive it when they become a MIL. 

I don't know...I just felt like sharing.  I wonder if there's any truth behind that.


Pretty sure your thinking of me as you say think this LOL.  But you have to think about why are they like that?  What brought them to that point.  I don't know about all you ladies but when I thought about getting married the last thing I thought about was not getting along with ILs.  But sometimes you fall for a guy and you mesh well with him but not his family.  Does it make you aweful because you stand up to them and don't agree?  I don't think so.  I know for a fact the way my ILs (FIL, BIL, GMIL ect) treated me,I would never treat DD's FDH like that.  I cant say and any other child I have because well one is enough for DH and I.  I think on here you only get parts of the story and before you call them "aweful" maybe you should actually be in there shoes.

holliberri

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Re: Just something I've been thinking about
« Reply #8 on: April 27, 2011, 06:21:55 PM »
SassyDI,

I don't think OW was implying anything about you...you weren't who I thought of when I read her paragraph. I was who I thought of. I imagine some of the MILs also  thought of themselves initially. It is just a question that requires self-reflection and an application to your own situation to see if it was a fit.  You look at how you act in certain situations with people; then you look at how other people act in certain situations with people.

I think her point wasn't so much about awful MIL/DILs, as it was about people that, at times, can be awful, regardless of their title.

Offline Nana

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Re: Just something I've been thinking about
« Reply #9 on: April 27, 2011, 06:27:08 PM »
Right Holly....It could have also been an awful mil.....it is an action that determines the awful not the title.    In my family we joke of about it.....when we say....awful mil, we than add....sorry for the second word lol.    Sometimes we feel posters are refering to us....and they dont even remember us lol.    If the suit fits....we put it on immediately. 

Love
Love is not love Which alters when it alteration finds, Or bends with the remover to remove:
Shakespeare

foofoo

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Re: Just something I've been thinking about
« Reply #10 on: April 27, 2011, 06:28:03 PM »
I look at this differently.  I firmly believe that you learn how to treat people and how to behave properly, not as an adult, but as a child.  Crazy MILs are taught to be manipulative, controlling and intrusive by their own mothers and fathers, not by their in laws and the same is true for crazy DILS.

holliberri

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Re: Just something I've been thinking about
« Reply #11 on: April 27, 2011, 06:34:30 PM »
Foofoo...you're probably 100% right, it's just hard remembering that when we meet someone for the first time. My MIL was in her 50s before I met her. I don't have a clue as to why she does what she does. Conversely, I was in my 20s when she met me. Younger, yes, but enough time had gone by that I am fairly set in my ways, even if they aren't concrete.

I don't think OW meant that ILs were teaching others to be controlling and manipulative, it was morej just encountering people who were that way.

Offline Sheen

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Re: Just something I've been thinking about
« Reply #12 on: April 27, 2011, 09:03:41 PM »
I personally feel if we all lived by that old rule , "Treat others as you would like to be treated" both sides would be alot happier.  :)

LaurieS

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Re: Just something I've been thinking about
« Reply #13 on: April 27, 2011, 09:28:57 PM »
I personally feel if we all lived by that old rule , "Treat others as you would like to be treated" both sides would be alot happier.  :)

Isn't that the truth Sheen.. now want to pass those Thin Mints you're hoarding

Offline Pen

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Re: Just something I've been thinking about
« Reply #14 on: April 27, 2011, 09:44:02 PM »
....But what it really comes down to is the woman's character and behavior.  ....

I agree! I think a person's character (or personality/neediness) has more to do with it than their title. Unless one's selfish and manipulative behavior becomes unproductive they will likely carry it on into other phases of their life. But those who experience a wake-up call might change when they become MILs. I have no way of knowing how my grandma was as a DIL since her ILs were not around by the time she got married. She was a smothering mom and a mean MIL. However the other residents at her retirement complex loved her! Go figure.

Did someone say Thin Mints? Why do I get fat when I eat thin mints?
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
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