Author Topic: Changing the Easter  (Read 8050 times)

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AnonymousDIL

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Changing the Easter
« on: April 09, 2011, 11:10:12 AM »
Is she doing this on purpose? Since I know how manipulative this woman is, I am immediately inclined to say Yes!

They have gotten together as an extended family EVERY Easter Sunday on Easter Sunday in the history of the family. Well, now we get an email that they aren’t getting together on Easter this year. They are doing a combined Easter/Mother’s Day get together either the 23rd  the 30th or May 1st.

I know that this shouldn’t annoy me, but it does. We already have them booked on the calendar for Easter Sunday. We have other plans for the 23rd and 30th (which incidentally MIL knows about because it was posted on facebook which she has access to and checks. She is just POed that we are having a game night with FRIENDS and she wasn;t invited. She doesn’t play games and these are “young” people). So if they decide to change it to one of those dates. We WON’T be there. I feel like she is just trying to control our plans yet again.

Oh, and the email. “This way our kids can spend the actual holiday with whomever they want.” I feel like this is such a SETUP since the “hidden agenda” comment. She was already told that Easter was his side and MD was my side. So what now she can play the victim “they don’t want to spend time with me” card when we don’t show up on the actual holiday?

I also feel like this is a setup to dis me to the whole extended family. “See now that ADIL is part of the “family” we have to make special arrangements for her and she doesn’t even bother to show up. She is such a B! I can’t believe MY PERFECT SON married such an evil witch.” We were only the third ones to get married in the family. There are 12 unmarried cousins and only 4 married.

Am I completely off base with my suspicions? Should I suck it up and see this woman on Easter Sunday AND May 1st? Or should we just go on Easter Sunday (or have them up here, I am more than willing to cook) and say “So sorry, extended family. We’ve utilized are budget of MIL time for the month.” I’m totally joking about that allotted time thing lol, but the thought of spending THAT much time with her back to back is stressing me out. Where’s the liquor?!

AnonymousDIL

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Re: Changing the Easter
« Reply #1 on: April 09, 2011, 11:11:25 AM »
That was supposed to read Changing the Easter Plans. It posted before I finished typing. Oops!

Offline Rejected

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Re: Changing the Easter
« Reply #2 on: April 09, 2011, 12:10:51 PM »
I personally think you are right in your suspicions.  If they've celebrated Easter Sunday every Sunday for that long and know that every family members books that day for them and they haven't run into any problems, then all the sudden change it up (when they know you have other plans) I think she's trying to set you up, and show it off to the rest of the family. I'd just see her on Easter Sunday like you have in years past and spend MD with your Mom. Stick to your schedule and if they throw a fit, call them on it and say "since this is the way you've done it for years & years, how foolish of me to assume that it would be the same this year too.  I think how it was before was just fine and didn't need to be changed. Sorry but we've already made other plans."
"Women are Angels and when someone breaks our wings... we simply continue to fly --- on a broomstick... we are flexible."  ~Anonymous

holliberri

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Re: Changing the Easter
« Reply #3 on: April 09, 2011, 12:56:18 PM »
Honestly, I don't think her changing her plans is a set up for you to purposely make you look bad. People change plans all the time, and it's okay to do that, even if they had done things one way every other year. It's also okay that she planned it for a time when you already have plans, even if she did read your plans on Facebook. Facebook plans are hard for me to keep track of.

I think you should stick to YOUR plans as they are if you're not willing to alter the plans you've already made. She may be upset about it, but that's not your problem.

Is it possible some of the other family members ran into problems with the Easter day, so she wanted to rearrange it to a better day? In my experience, it's a bad idea to do this, b/c then, one day that works for someone else won't work for another, and it just gets complicated, but it doesn't mean there was bad intent behind it. It would be much easier and less stressful to accept that what works for one may not work for everyone else.

Personally, I would love it if my MIL was a little more flexible about the holidays. If she says, "This way, the kids could spend it with whomever they want," I'd probably feel a lot less pressure. It's like the holiday celebration doesn't count as a celebration as much if it's not on the actual date. I also think she'd be more successful at getting both of her children together (as opposed to demanding it of the other when one of us decides we're spending it with her), that way. But, she can't look at the bigger picture; she's too wrapped up in dates.

I think flexibility is key here; on your part, just be flexible to accept that people change plans all the time and that's okay...it doesn't mean it's about us. On her part, she needs to be flexible enough to understand that although she changed her plans, that doesn't necessarily mean you are willing to change yours. She may not be okay with that, but she would be in the wrong. Just stand your ground. 

L

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Re: Changing the Easter
« Reply #4 on: April 09, 2011, 07:37:41 PM »
I agree with the others and I wouldn't change your plans.  Just be honest with her and tell her nicely you aren't changing your plans with the friends.   Whether she did it on purpose to try and control things which may be true, or maybe she is just wierd.  ahaha.   Just don't worry about what she is up to...just do what YOU want.  Just tell her nicely.  Don't wait until the last minute either I would tell her as soon as possible then it will be off your mind and you can relax and also she will know where you stand.  Hang in there.   

L

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Re: Changing the Easter
« Reply #5 on: April 09, 2011, 07:40:18 PM »
I forgot to add....you could still invite her for Easter to be nice.  Good luck.

AnonymousDIL

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Re: Changing the Easter
« Reply #6 on: April 09, 2011, 09:21:23 PM »
If she says, "This way, the kids could spend it with whomever they want," I'd probably feel a lot less pressure. It's like the holiday celebration doesn't count as a celebration as much if it's not on the actual date.

I think that it was such a loaded statement from her. But I am probably over analyzing it.

We invited them for Easter. Sounds like they will be coming.... So, now I get to cook. :-\ but at least I like to cook and am a good cook  ;D

Offline Sheen

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Re: Changing the Easter
« Reply #7 on: April 09, 2011, 10:36:42 PM »
Hi
Just playing devil's advocate here, is it possible that because of the way that Mom's day and Easter falls this year that she is just trying to combine the two holidays just to make things easier?  Maybe the easiest way to handle it, is to simply ask why she wishes to change the get together. If she has a valid reason such as conflict with other family members, then you might feel better about the situation.
I think sometimes we all read things into statements from people that we find difficult to deal with and many times it is our own paranoia that gets in the way.   

Offline forever spring

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Re: Changing the Easter
« Reply #8 on: April 10, 2011, 03:47:52 AM »
I agree with Sheen and Holliberri, I have been guilty myself of reading too much into changes that were being made, and by doing that I made the situation a lot worse than it actually was. Hope I can change myself in that respect. 
Holliberri, I do like your 'voice' here on this site. You have a special way of looking at things from more than one perspective. It is evident in all your posts. You are right, things do have a tendency to change and we should not read too much into changes even if they don't suit us.
It seems to me that the Easter situation in has been resolved by a lot of goodwill from the side of the DIL - good on you! A lot of family occasions are so fraught, wouldn't it be much better if we just got together in an impromtu fashion at any time and just celebrate ourselves being together with a bottle of wine, a small meal and lots of fun.  :)

Offline Pen

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Re: Changing the Easter
« Reply #9 on: April 10, 2011, 07:09:35 AM »
Good post, Chelmsford36. I agree with all of it!
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Offline pam1

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Re: Changing the Easter
« Reply #10 on: April 10, 2011, 08:23:51 AM »
OMG, I would be so happy if my MIL did something like that, any type of flexibility over the holidays is great in my book.  The only thing that would bother me is the lack of asking -- to me, holidays are for everyone, not just a couple people.  So, if she wanted to change it I think it would be nice to run it by everyone to get their thoughts.

On the other hand, since you guys know now, maybe you can invite her to your place for Easter.  Change things up while you can.  Host her instead.  Nows your guys chance to incorporate some of your holiday ideas. 
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

holliberri

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Re: Changing the Easter
« Reply #11 on: April 10, 2011, 10:13:24 AM »
If she says, "This way, the kids could spend it with whomever they want," I'd probably feel a lot less pressure. It's like the holiday celebration doesn't count as a celebration as much if it's not on the actual date.

I think that it was such a loaded statement from her. But I am probably over analyzing it.

We invited them for Easter. Sounds like they will be coming.... So, now I get to cook. :-\ but at least I like to cook and am a good cook  ;D

If I had my way, I'd host all holiday celebrations...something about cooking takes the edge off and calms my nerves. It might do the same for you. Plus, it's one of those duties that seem to be expected of DILs. It's sort of a zero sum thing for me. It's positive for MIL, b/c she's with her DS; and it's positive for me b/c not only do I get to cook what I want and see people enjoy the food I eat and then I get the added bonus of looking like a good wife.

But, I rarely get my way.  :D

AnonymousDIL

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Re: Changing the Easter
« Reply #12 on: April 10, 2011, 01:34:45 PM »
They are coming, I don't know about SIL yet.... Secretly hoping she will go to her BF's family for the day lol. ... Now MIL says we need to "discuss the menu." *sigh* What's to discuss? My house. I'm cooking. You are going to eat what I make and like it! lol... DH told her that we are taking care of the cooking, but she can bring rolls and her jello cake.

Oh and dinner with my brother last night.... DISASTER!!!! Our cousin came over (she and her husband were invited first), she asked how things were going with the IL's so we were talking a little bit about current annoyances from MIL/SIL and brother jumps down my throat about how evil horrible etc I am. Well EXCUSE ME, Mr. Perfect! I'm not the one who cut my IL's off for a year and a half that was him! Ugh! His holier than thou attitude has not changed in the least. I don't really know why it is that I actually wanted to spend time with him in the first pace. And of course he got his "religious" jab in. He thinks that DH and I are heathens who aren't going to church. Well, we DO go to church, just not the church that HE goes to because we couldn't take him! Ugh! Anywho, he just might be a once a quarter get together kinda fella! lol

1Glitterati

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Re: Changing the Easter
« Reply #13 on: April 10, 2011, 03:26:55 PM »
They are coming, I don't know about SIL yet.... Secretly hoping she will go to her BF's family for the day lol. ... Now MIL says we need to "discuss the menu." *sigh* What's to discuss? My house. I'm cooking. You are going to eat what I make and like it! lol... DH told her that we are taking care of the cooking, but she can bring rolls and her jello cake.

Oh and dinner with my brother last night.... DISASTER!!!! Our cousin came over (she and her husband were invited first), she asked how things were going with the IL's so we were talking a little bit about current annoyances from MIL/SIL and brother jumps down my throat about how evil horrible etc I am. Well EXCUSE ME, Mr. Perfect! I'm not the one who cut my IL's off for a year and a half that was him! Ugh! His holier than thou attitude has not changed in the least. I don't really know why it is that I actually wanted to spend time with him in the first pace. And of course he got his "religious" jab in. He thinks that DH and I are heathens who aren't going to church. Well, we DO go to church, just not the church that HE goes to because we couldn't take him! Ugh! Anywho, he just might be a once a quarter get together kinda fella! lol

Why do you continue to see your brother when you know how he is?  Why not minimize your contact with him and save yourself the angst?  You can't make him be anything other than what he is...and from what you've written...he sounds like a pill.

holliberri

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Re: Changing the Easter
« Reply #14 on: April 10, 2011, 05:56:22 PM »
Sorry the dinner didn't work out, ADil. Maybe you need some space yourself if he is going to pressure you about religion/church/etc. That wouldn't be comfortabe for me either.