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Son in Law from down below

Started by nanalu, April 05, 2011, 06:58:21 am

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Ever since my daughter married her husband, he does not like me. Ever since my grandson was born, he has caused problems with my daughter and myself. My grandson was a week old and my daughter asked me to come to help. I live 1600 miles away. She had to go back to school. The first night she went back to college, the baby was crying and he wouldn't let me pick him up. He said it was a learned behavior. I told him in frustration it was child abuse to let him cry like that. He threw me out. I was at he curb calling motels. The police were called by someone, and my daughter believes him that it was me. This caused me to be very depressed. I landed up in the hospital. I was then told I was not going to be a part of the grandchildren's lives because I was not safe. Then a few years ago my daughter got very sick. She almost died. I was again called to help. I stayed with her 24/7 for 3 months. He was never there. I told him I could watch the kids if he wanted to be with her, but he said no. Almost two years have gone by since this happened. My daughter survived after a horrible three months. I thought everything was good because I have been back there several times since. We even went on vacation together last summer. I was making plans to g for spring break in April of this year and received a call from my daughter saying not to come because they were having marital problems. Then I see on facebook her posting how happy they are and that se is married to her best friend, etc. I sent her an email asking if I did something wrong because what she is telling me and what she is telling everyone else are two different stories. She said well since you want the truth, my husband is upset with some papers you served him with while I was in the hospital. I didn't have time to file any papers, I was too busy keeping her alive. Even the hospital staff was in awe that he was never there. He served her with papers for Power of Attorney while she was in a coma. I lived at the hospital and didn't even know my way around much less find a way to serve him with papers for abandonment. The conversation ended with "We need a break from you." I am just brokenhearted because I miss my grandchildren so much and my daughter. How can someone you drop everything for just toss you out of their lives for an untruth????????


Sounds like the stockholm syndrome some of the ladies were talking about awhile back.  Your daughter probably feels depressed and has some esteem issues after coming to terms with the fact that she is unhappy with her husband- so she tries to pretend on facebook that she has a better life than that.  I have a friend that does that, too.  This guy verbally abuses her a lot, she tells me the things he says, and then the next day she is on facebook telling everyone she has the best husband in the world and how much she loves him.  I wonder who she is trying to convince- them or herself?

I don't know what the right answer is for you.  I would make sure your daughter knows you are there for her when she needs you or wants you, and give her the break she is asking for- even if you don't understand.  It will, at the very least, eliminate a reason for her husband to start unnecessary drama with her.  She will see that you are respecting her wishes and her husband will continue to treat her poorly- she'll see where both of you stand.

I'm sorry you're going through this.  It seems strange that the baby crying situation escalated so quickly.  Sounds like maybe he has some anger issues.


I'm willing to bet your DD is still having marital problems.

I know several people that have very bad problems in their marriage, but their Facebook tells a very different story. They go on and on and on about how wonderful things are...and really, they are only trying to convince themselves, or their partners.

It seems to me that your SIL had one foot out the door when your DD was sick. Either that, or he is excellent at being neglectful, since the "cry it out" method isn't recommended for newborns and you still have to let the child know that you're there by patting them and touching them.

I am very sorry about all of this, but I think your DD is in a healthy relationship. I'm also willing to bet that since she says things to the contrary on Facebook that you aren't likely to convince her of this.

Keep coming here to vent; I am very glad your DD is all better now.


I'm with the others.  She's putting one face in public, and another behind closed doors.  How could you not be having marital problems if your DH didn't come around in the hospital for 3 months?  That to me, speaks volumes of his character.  If she is believing his lies, then there is nothing you can do except give her space and let her know you love her.  Then wait for her to come back to you.  So sorry nanalu.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell


*Is not.

Good grief. Me and my edits. : (


  This is a very sad situation, and I'm sorry to hear about it.

  I agree with the above advice, I think the best thing you can do is not get involved in the situation, but wait for it to run it's course and then be a support for your DD and GC when things go wrong.



We can spend a lot of time and use a lot of energy trying to make sense of the senseless. We look for logic and cause and effect.

A step forward comes when we say..."It's nuts." Then we can create some much-needed distance and let our adult children and extended families do what they do. If and when they want to make sense, we are still willing to reconnect.

In the meantime...our job is to heal and find peace within ourselves...and that does make sense.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama


Thank you everyone for your support. I am so glad I found this site. Today I was weepy because I just wonder what they told the grandkids about why Nana isn't calling them. She also told me that my grandkids only love me for what I buy them. I only send a box about twice a year. They really know how to hit me below the belt. I love those grandkids with my whole heart. When my daughter was in the hospital, he would hardly let me see them. I would go to their swimming lessons and to see them to take pictures so I could paste them all over her wall so she could see them when she woke up. The staff at the hospital was in awe about all of this. I started seeing a therapist on Monday, and it does help to talk to a non biased person. I will have to tell him tomorrow about this site. You all really helped me.  :)


Yes hitting below the belt hurts.  It probably isn't true though, if you spent time with the kids it'll be the time they remember not the things.

Glad you are seeing a therapist to work through your upset, a non-biased person is a great sounding board.

Take care x


Pooh, I think he was on his way out of the marriage when all this happened because of the fact that he didnt want anyone to know what was going on. When my daughter came out of her coma, she asked me if she was divorced or getting divorced. The day she came home, he was outside mowing the lawn until evening, not even checking on her. I wanted to come home, but she begged me to stay and help her.  I just wonder why now. I was too busy keeping her alive to worry about if he did this to her or not. The hospital got the police envolved, but because no one, including me could say whether he did or not, I just thought it was over. But with him coming forth now with some crazy story that I served him with papers makes me wonder what he is hiding. I just thought because she got better, he had his wife back, and the kids had their mommy back that everyone could move forward. RED FLAG, what is he trying to hide. I know I have to just let this go, but now I truly fear for my daughter and grandkids. His family is very affluent in their little town, so it would be covered up in an instant. My hands are tied, but he has someone higher up to answer to for all this. I emailed my daughter today and told her my heart is breaking and I miss her and the kids.  :(


Nanalu, I have nothing thoughtful to say, but when I read your last post, I got chills down my spine. This sounds like a totally frightening situation. I can't imagine your DD and GKs living a life like this, and I can't imagine the terror you must feel watching her life like this, either.

lancaster lady

If your daughter is being mistreated or abused in any way it's up to her the end this marriage .
she knows you are there to support her , there is nothing you can do but be there ..
I understand your feeling of helplessness but it's her call ...


It is so awful to be the (outsider) so to speak in a small town. A town tiny in size but with a chosen few who run the show. If your SIL's family is like this? I can see how your daughter "might" feel so alone and scared. Heck when you have enough people treating you like you are the problem you believe it too.
I've sent a prayer up for her, you, and the children. If I read your post correctly and that is what is happening? I'm like others who say that I'd be worried too!!!
That doesn't even sound like a man who wants a divorce to me. It sounds like someone who has ice in his heart and wants to keep her away from other people to be her "god".
How horrible for all of you! and I'm so very sorry! It can make you want to bang your head against a wall I'm sure. But there really isn't a thing someone can do until she reaches out.
In your shoes I'd try to keep a line open for her and make sure she knows it. And PRAY.. Hugs Nana!


Kennedy, Thanks for you post. I do feel like banging my head at times. When I think back at all that I have seen going on, I truly believe that there is a lot hidden. She says she is happy, so I have to hope and pray that she is. When she was in the hospital, she had psychotic moments where she would just talk and talk and talk. The psychiatrist said that she could not form new thoughts but just say what is already in her memory. She would cry out that her husband was trying to take her kids away. One nurse said that while I went out for a walk that she was begging them to find her children and keep them safe. She also would tell me that her husband didn't love her. I just thought it was because of her brain problem. SHe had autoimmune encephalopathy. She was in and out of comas, and on life support twice. When I would call him from the hospital to tell him he wouldn't even come to her. What kind of husband wouldn't even come and be with his wife. He had plenty of people to help with the kids. I am going to talk with a therapist this afternoon. I have to find a way to be at peace. I am hurting because I wrote to her yesterday, but I think she has blocked me from her email. My daughter has never just banished me from her life. Thanks again for your prayers.


Having her be the way she is and having her do what she did is the way out. It doesn't matter that she's never done it before. Not having her be that way she is...is a way to perpetuate woundedness. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama