Author Topic: Playing Favorites/Another birthday question  (Read 4301 times)

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Offline pam1

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Playing Favorites/Another birthday question
« on: April 04, 2011, 02:59:31 PM »
Anyone dealt with your parents or parent in laws playing favorites with their children?  Or grandchildren?  Any advice would be appreciated.  The type of stuff we are dealing with is the favorites control holidays and family plans.  They make plans together without our input, we are told information last etc.  A lot of forms of control. 

What, if any, things have you used to sort of even the playing field?  My suggestions to DH are if they don't tell you until last minute, don't feel obliged to go or do whatever it is they want.  But it's pretty hurtful to him.  He's tried talking to them but they can't see it? 

Also, DD has a bday coming up.  My parents are coming into town and haven't been able to celebrate DD's bday in person in over 3 years.  So I planned something really special this year, a bday party and an outing that a lot of people will want to go on.  Turns out the in laws (again!) made plans with the favorites for that day to celebrate a holiday early -- and were expecting us to come.  So it kind of ties into the favorites thing, again they did this without our input, which is fine -- but why expect us to show up with bells on if you're just going to only consult two peoples schedules?  And two, they want me to move the date of DD's party so they can come but that's pretty much the only day it *can* be done while my parents are here? 

What should I do?  Plan another party at the same exact location on another date after my parents leave?  I really don't want to, it's a lot of money and I already feel like one party is enough.  Any advice? 
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

Offline elsieshaye

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Re: Playing Favorites/Another birthday question
« Reply #1 on: April 04, 2011, 03:02:57 PM »
It's only control if you let it be.  Otherwise, it's just poor planning on their part - too bad they get to miss out on your DD's party.  Better luck (for them) next year.  Enjoy having your parents there, and realize that if the inlaws really, really wanted you to attend, they'd consult you about the date.  That's hurtful for your husband, but not any less true for that.  You can't protect him from that.
This too shall pass.  All is well.

misunderstood

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Re: Playing Favorites/Another birthday question
« Reply #2 on: April 04, 2011, 03:16:05 PM »
I would go ahead with DD party, in laws and favourites can either change their plans to join you in her celebration or not.  Their loss, I made the mistake of changing my DD plans as her birthday weekend was the same as my MIL unfortunately she now thinks that she is more important than DD and is having to learn the hard way, by being disappointed when we no longer change our plans. 

It is really hard for my DH too, to feel like they constantly put him in the middle, however apart from initial bumps he now places our needs first and offers alternative suggestions to them.  He wants to spend time with them but my DD, 11 comes first.  Its very unreasonable of them to expect you to move it.

It sounds as if they expect everything to go their way.  If your parents can only make that date and haven't been around for 3 years definitely don't move it.

If il's miss party that is their choice, they could see your DD on another day, perhaps over a meal with a second birthday cake that MIL could provide if they cannot possibly make her party.

It must be very hard for DH to feel bottom of the heap all the time, perhaps if you don't alter your plans all the time they'll realise that your time is important too.  Hang on in there.

L

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Re: Playing Favorites/Another birthday question
« Reply #3 on: April 04, 2011, 04:16:03 PM »
I completely agree with the others, go ahead and have DD's b'day as already planned.  Some people only learn the hard way.  Hopefully of course for your DD's sake they can come but hey, it's her special day and not a day to be planned around "other" peoples plans who are to insensitive to you when they plan family things so, hey what comes around goes around. 

holliberri

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Re: Playing Favorites/Another birthday question
« Reply #4 on: April 04, 2011, 04:36:47 PM »
Again, preaching to the choir.

Keep that party exactly as you have it, they can either change their plans if it suits them, or miss the party. You already made your plans.

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Playing Favorites/Another birthday question
« Reply #5 on: April 04, 2011, 05:28:50 PM »
Yup!
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Kennedy

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Re: Playing Favorites/Another birthday question
« Reply #6 on: April 04, 2011, 07:54:45 PM »
I agree with everyone else. Don't change a thing about your DD birthday. They should of ask y'all if those times were good with you first.
My In-Laws are the worlds worst!! They can make my BP climb to the roof!  They have *1* person who they think the rest of the family should bow too!
And I just fell in line like all the rest for the 1st 5 years we were married. Then I just said, "NO MORE!" and I haven't done it any more.
So you smile and have a blast at your little girls B-Day party and take tons of photos with your Parents! God Bless!

Offline lancaster lady

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Re: Playing Favorites/Another birthday question
« Reply #7 on: April 05, 2011, 12:46:47 AM »
Hey Pam :
It's your DD , it's up to them to contact you to see what you have planned .
this weekend my ODS is coming to town , haven't seen him in six months . so we are having a family get together ,
but I wouldn't expect all my family to change their plans for me .
They are all invited , but if they have other plans that's fine .
Maybe next time your DH FOO  will check your plans before arranging things .
Happy birthday to your DD , it's her day . As your parents missed out previous years it's their turn now .

Offline Scoop

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Re: Playing Favorites/Another birthday question
« Reply #8 on: April 05, 2011, 05:46:45 AM »
Do not change your DD's party and don't schedule another one.  If they put up a fuss, ask them to change their plans.  (See how THAT goes over!  Ha!)  Every time they ask you to change yours, ask them to change theirs, until they see the parallel, or give up.

In the future, every time they ask you at the last minute, if you have plans (please have plans!), tell them that you wish they had given you more notice, you would have LOVED to go, but, sadly, you already have plans and it would be the HEIGHT OF RUDENESS to change plans at the last minute.

You're letting them dictate that THEY are the victims because you never come to their planned events, when, in reality, YOU are the victim, because you would LOVE to go to their events, but they never give you enough notice and it makes you and DH really sad. 


Offline Pooh

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Re: Playing Favorites/Another birthday question
« Reply #9 on: April 05, 2011, 06:07:22 AM »
I am with the others.  Do not change your plans or the party.  If this was the first time, I would feel differently, but they have set a pattern of doing this.  I would tell them politely that you can not change it and you are very sorry they are going to miss it.  If they get mad, well then they get mad.  But that's on them.

If MIL wants to do something for DD at another time, sure...but on her dime.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

LaurieS

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Re: Playing Favorites/Another birthday question
« Reply #10 on: April 05, 2011, 08:27:30 AM »
I am with the others.  Do not change your plans or the party.  If this was the first time, I would feel differently, but they have set a pattern of doing this.  I would tell them politely that you can not change it and you are very sorry they are going to miss it.  If they get mad, well then they get mad.  But that's on them.

If MIL wants to do something for DD at another time, sure...but on her dime.
Ditto.. but I'd leave out the 'politely' part .. but there is no way I'd suggest that mil do a repeat even at her own expense, only God knows what your mil would do with that open end suggestion.. Pooh forgot who we were talking about :)  her mind is already on the weekend.

Offline Pooh

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Re: Playing Favorites/Another birthday question
« Reply #11 on: April 05, 2011, 08:30:16 AM »
Nope, didn't forget....said IF MIL wanted to...

No...not really looking forward to this weekend, going to be doing DH's 25th year reunion.  Trying to be optimistic...
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

LaurieS

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Re: Playing Favorites/Another birthday question
« Reply #12 on: April 05, 2011, 08:34:18 AM »
I'm afraid with Pam's mil that she would run with that and make Barnum and Bailey look mild. I feel that it would also open the door to MIL feeling as if she could always trump Pam's plans and that she would just do as she wanted later.. that would be a double whammy on Pam feeling like her time and plans were being dictated to her by her mil

Offline Pooh

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Re: Playing Favorites/Another birthday question
« Reply #13 on: April 05, 2011, 08:42:25 AM »
You are probably right with Pam's MIL, but it just wouldn't bother me.  If I planned a birthday party for my child, and my MIL couldn't make it and asked if she could put together something for later, I would say sure.  If her party ended up being bigger and better than mine, ok.  I would just go with the flow, and I have had that happen to me with my Ex-MIL.  The kids enjoyed both parties and I didn't worry if she tried to outdo me.  I knew she would, because that's the type of person she was.

By this time, I had set my boundaries with MIL, so that made it easier to just let alot of it go and chalk it up to that's how she was.  I didn't cave to her demands on my time any longer, but did let her do things her way when I could.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

LaurieS

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Re: Playing Favorites/Another birthday question
« Reply #14 on: April 05, 2011, 08:49:09 AM »
Call me old fashion.. but I think a child's birthday party is an event for the child and his/her parents to plan and hold. If it was important to a family member and they were unable to attend I would by all means welcome a lunch/dinner out.. something that would include the previously missing person so they could express to the child how much they enjoy having them in their lives.. but a full scale party.. nope wouldn't be happening here