May 25, 2019, 03:21:22 am


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Learning from each other's mistakes

Started by forever spring, April 03, 2011, 10:45:29 pm

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forever spring

but somehow it has changed for the worse because of my decision to be with them. Strange but true. Hope it can be mended.

Greetings to all wise women out there!
(No worries I'm still smiling and seeing the funny side of things ;D)

forever spring

I'm putting this in because I think one of the good things about this site is the fact that we can learn from each other's mistakes and try to avoid them.
My mistake seems to have been that by moving near my DIL, DS and GKs, I 'put all my eggs in the one basket' and by doing so I have often behaved like a 'bull in a china shop'. I underestimated my strength to put myself second and it wasn't clear in my mind that I was entering a space where a lot of things were done very differently to the way I do them. (Even though I had prior warning signs which I ignored!) I did this with the best intentions.
My advice to everybody who wants to go down this road:
Here is what I did: I wanted to put the family first and myself second and offered help whenever needed. I've been with them for almost a year and still don't feel appreciated. For example when I do make a mistake by not telling them about a prior engagement, I'm blamed for 'letting them down'.This is how they feel and I must respect this, but in reality I'm at their beck and call for five days a week. Also my DS often tells me off for not doing things the way his wife wants me to. It is a really weird state of affairs and I had never experienced this is my life before (I'm 61 now and thought I'd seen it all!)

I have come to the conclusion that I have to go away and leave them to it for the time being and wait for things to settle.
I'm leaving with a heavy heart as I love the GC so much and I'm part of their lives now. I think under the circumstances it is better for all concerned to put myself out of the equation.

I wanted to share this with you in case you find yourself in a similar situation. Our family life to date was good


  I love that you feel you need to change something.  That you realize your best intentions and feelings were mostly based on what you felt they/you wanted and needed and the results of your actions didn't pan out the way you wanted.  Now you are stepping back and looking at the big picture. 

I love that.  I truly do. 

My mil - and my mom both - stayed far away from my marital/parenting issues.  They truly did.  I cannot fathom what it must be like for newly weds to have a parent/parents constantly calling, questioning, texting, etc all day long.  That is such an intrusion.   

The kids have grown.  They are on their own.  If the space of time gets farther and farther that we see them - or are needed in their lives I would take it as a sign you've done your jobs well!!  You have done what mothers/fathers have been striving for for many a millennia:  grown responsible mature adults!!  YAY. 

Loving those grownups and being with them is what we desire, and letting go of them can be at times, painful.  Actions by us done out of love and concern can at some time become all consuming.  What we feel is a generous show of love and concern can quite quickly morph into dependence and we are back to raising them --  again. 

It is good you can see this chelmsford36 and you are waiting to make those changes for the better - for all.  Yes you will miss the day to day interactions with them - unweaving yourself from them is the best thing you can do.  I feel she - dil - is trying HER best to do what you were given the chance to:  raise children.  Not sure if your motherinlaw was there as much as you say you are in your son's life, but it sounds as if you are giving up on your life to help them with theirs.  It may not be needed.  It may be too overwhelming for them. 

Taking yourself out of the equation is a good thing.  It doesn't mean you love or care for them less.  They know this. 

I think you are on the way to have a great relationship with them.   



Good to hear from you! I was wondering where you went!

I think you need to do what is right for you and your husband. You tried to help, and they aren't appreciating your effort. Paid help will not allow them the latitudes they seem to enjoy with you, and I would think they would understand this and let you have a night off instead of  giving you a speech.

You moved to a different country, correct? If someone had done that for me, I'd want them to make plans here, in their new home. It would mean that although they've had a huge upheaval, they are doing their best to get used to a new situation and "grow roots" so to speak. Having no plans at all would worry me.

You left a life back home; I think you need to go back to it. Your GKs will know you; they absolutely will. GKs are great about that. I know you will miss them, but you can always visit and this isn't necessarily permanent. And, you must miss your DH greatly too with the situation as it stands now.


Best wishes, Chelmsford36. Your motivation was pure, not evil, and it didn't go as expected. You learned and are moving on. Good for you! It's hard to change & hard to be away from those we love, but you must now put yourself first. Don't forget to check in with us - we missed you!
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb


Hello and Welcome back!!  You went above and beyond the call of duty, with pure and loving intentions--be proud of that.....However I am glad you have deceided to step out of the equation, it was time.....Your GC's will always Love and remember you......But the respect needs to be reborn again and time will cure all.....

Take care of you now--you are #1....Let them come to you~~you will hear from them....

Blessings across the miles, Faith


What a beautiful testimony to getting that you did your best and that's all you can ever do. Life has more to offer and moving on, taking your self-respect with you, is beautiful, Clem. God-speed!
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

forever spring

 :)  Thank you so much everybody for your response. My duty as Mother, MIL and Grandma is not over but it will be from a different space from now on.

I must add that I moved near them because of the express wish from DS, but he didn't know how things would pan out either, so no blame there. Just to say, I would not have done this without them wanting me to.

I do appreciate your encouraging words. Thanks again. You show real understanding of the situation.

DH will be happy to have me back full-time.  ;)


Hey go have some fun!  Ballroom dancing for you two?  Late night walks and picnics near a shore?  The possibilities are endless.  Have fun.  You deserve it!


Good job chelmsford!  I remembered it was your DS that requested your help and then was not very nice when you did.  So yes, you did what many of us Mother's would do when our child asked for help.  You helped.  Now the dynamics have changed, so you are changing.  I bet DH will be so happy to have you back!
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell


OK so you helped them and now you left so they are mad at you?  Well let them be mad all they want but you have done nothing wrong.  I have a husband in a wheelchair and couldn't help me when DD was first born.  Guess who stayed at my house?  Oh thats right no one.  They choose to have two kids and now they have to learn how to handle it on there own. 

Seems to me if they can't handle it they should have never though about having a second child.  With my hubby's injury we are done at one.  Why because I would probably need lots of help with another child and I not only would my mother not want to move in.  I don't want her to move in.  It would drive me crazy. 



I didn't realize how very much I had done what you did until everyone moved away. We really didn't have any good friends, we dropped plans in order to watch GD, our social life was pretty much our kids. And, then they all moved at about the same time. DH and I went into a full on depression for about 6 months and it took us both by surprise. We honestly didn't realize we had "put our eggs into one basket." But, since we both have Ms who aren't happy with us because we don't allow them to be enmeshed with us, we knew not to guilt our children, or pressure them, or complain to them, or expect them to fix us. This was our mistake. We knew our emotional issues were our own responsibility, so we went about to fix ourselves and we are still working on it.

Conversely, your DS's issues are his own for him to fix. You have tried in your own way to help him, and I think you leaving is a good thing for him and his W. It really is time for them to pull on their big kid pants. I understand your guilt, I have had similar guilt, but it does go away and my children have thanked me for stepping back on the parenting stuff, it just took them time to realize I was doing what was best for them no matter how difficult it was for them to adjust.

I admire your ability to step back and get perspective on this and to make such a hard decision.

forever spring

Sorry to reactivate this thread myself but I thought it would be better than starting a new one and it is about mistakes.
I just wanted to share with you that I messed up big time yesterday. My DIL and DS are ardent, passionate supporters of a soccer team here in the UK, Manchester CIty who won the cup this season. I'm only mildly interested in soccer, so there is no passion as such. Anyway I really don't know why I did that because it doesn't mean much to me. Before he got married my son supported a different team, Liverpool FC which my DH and other DS still support. Anyway I was alone with my 3 year old GS and we were talking about the songs supporters sing during matches. He had learned the Manchester City song and sang it to me. Innocently enough I sang the Liverpool FC song to him; 'You'll never walk alone' - great song by the way! Anyway I thought that was that. Then DIL came back and litte GS asked me to sing the song of the 'other' team to DIL. Dear or dear, she was angry. She probably felt I was manipulating the little one in her absence.
I'm not sure whether there will be repercussions, but it will fester. To me this is all incomprehensible, as it doesn't mean anything and I can see the humour - but then what do I know????
It goes to show that the world is full of traps - and I certainly tripped up yesterday. It is ridiculous I know but it shows that the devil is definitely in the detail.
:)  ;)

lancaster lady

hi Chelmsford :

Isn't it perhaps because of the rivalry between Manchester and Liverpool supporters ?
I was raised in Liverpool and I know about the banter between the two teams .
It's usually all in good fun ....shame on her for taking it seriously !

Welcome back BTw .... :)