March 23, 2019, 06:48:43 pm

News:

"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


Stockholm Syndrome......could this be a factor?

Started by Keys Girl, March 22, 2011, 09:46:32 pm

Previous topic - Next topic

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Keys Girl

From time to time I search the internet for some insight on how to deal with my son's decision to say goodbye to me. 

I found an article about Stockholm syndrome and in reading it, there seemed to be so many parallels between my son and his future bride (she who must be obeyed), the most compelling part of the articled detailed that as a safety factor "trouble" had to be avoided by the person who is the partner of a controlling individual.  "Trouble" takes on many forms, phone calls, visits, family members and loved ones etc.etc. who could be responsible for verbal or physical aggression from the controller. 

The article goes on to say that we are more loyal to something that is difficult, uncomfortable and even humiliating.  There is a great deal of investment in the relationship so it's difficult for people to walk away from a difficult situation.  It says that it's the investment in the relationship that is difficult for people to walk away from. 

Does this sound familiar to anyone?
"Today I will be as happy as a seagull with a french fry." Author Unknown

AnonymousDIL

I don't know your particular story, but that sounds like a lot of "Momma's Boy's" that I know. And definitely like my DH/MIL's relationship when we were dating... Until he moved out of the house that is. :-)

I definitely think that Stockholm Syndrome is a key element in most "abusive" relationships. It is demonstrated time and time again.

luise.volta

It's sure a name that we understand. That we have to see it in action is heartbreaking. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Pooh

We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

tryingmybest

think it means it all boils down to controlling emotionally abusive people, and the truth is they can be any age, any sex and have any "title" - MIL or DIL or FIL DH or...forget it you get where I'm going.  ::)

AnonymousDIL

Quote from: tryingmybest on March 25, 2011, 09:57:48 am
think it means it all boils down to controlling emotionally abusive people, and the truth is they can be any age, any sex and have any "title" - MIL or DIL or FIL DH or...forget it you get where I'm going.  ::)


Where are you going???? LOL sorry, couldn't resist....

holliberri

LOL, I think she  just meant that the various titles under which one could be abusive would be infinite, right?

tryingmybest

March 25, 2011, 01:17:27 pm #7 Last Edit: March 25, 2011, 02:19:46 pm by luise.volta
actually I meant I needed more coffee and was losing tracks of the abbreviations... ::) lt's tough getting old..

tryingmybest

and anyone can be abusive....and dealing with them can be realllly stressful.

AnonymousDIL

*sigh* I knew exactly what you meant, where you were going etc. I read it, thought it was funny because I am in a sleep-deprived goofy mood today so I thought I'd make a sarcastic joke, but alas, the "tone" app isn't available on this forum yet LOL

holliberri


luise.volta

Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

LaurieS


SunnyDays09

Quotemore loyal to something that is difficult, uncomfortable and even humiliating.


  In my case, I believe it was easier for son to be loyal to the $$$$ that she had.  His step-father and I could NOT compete with her father's money so we were the ones that were given up on.

  What I don't understand is what short circuits with the sons, that they don't see the disconnect?  Don't feel it?  My husband and I and his step-sister were the only ones dealing with my son's troubles/problems/issues.  With alcohol, truancy, minor arrests, ER visits from drunken brawls he was in, his financial woes, etc., etc., etc. 

  I will be the first to say I enabled him to a point.  He was a drunken mess while living with us.  The dil never once had to live with THAT!  But she sure dished out the mean when they first became engaged.  I never called.  Showed up uninvited.  NEVER butted in like HER mother.  HER sisters.  HER friends.  Not once.  But as the wedding approached, she became even more callous, goaded on by her mother.  As soon as the wedding was over I told my son how I felt and asked him what was going on.  What did I, his sister, his stepdad, my entire  family do to her and her family???  Bloop.  Nothing.  Got some reply about no more emails.  Made a demand that I was to apologize to her and her family if we were to "get past this".  (If I was so awful, my chance to get back was at the wedding or the reception, no?  Or during the hoopla before, no?  Not once did I say ONE WRONG THING.  Ask why I was left out.  NOT ONCE.  I  jumped thru every hoop and dodged every mean thing and still came into the reception hall smiling with my ex on my right (BRIDEY demanded it!! and the guy that paid for everything for her husband on my left=what a slap to my husband. But this is how it went down-my son HATED his dad before the big wedding day.  HIS WORDS.  Now he's on my right as we are announced as the grooms parents?  Really?  Who would do such a thing?  Just to make it look so wonderful and sweet?  It hurt my husband's feelings.)
    I was blindsided. I would be the first one to apologize for what I did wrong.  I believe I asked him, too.  He said Nothing.  (Because their wasn't anything that I did to her and her family! He was reacting to HER)  grrrrr
   To her I am the evil one.  Crazy.  Pathetic.  She-DIL-had this to say: 

  family
it has been 4 years and i don't think i will ever understand in laws...maybe just the mentally ill ones!!! Really, who doesn't talk to their own child in 4 years????  I just don't get it...I have talked to dozens of mothers and EVERY single one of them said they would do whatever they could to fix things with their child v/s not talking to them!!! Just is mind blowing.  Bipolar may be the bigger issue...I am not sure...I just don't get it!!! Thank God my family is so wonderful and supporting.  I don't know what I would do with out my mom in my life!!


Or this little gem:

Thursday, September 04, 2008
     

the disappointment continues

It just makes me sick to my stomache that my hubby's mother (if thats what you call her) could just walk past her granddaughter, pretend that she didn't see her and keep walking with her head down.  She should be ashamed of herself. Her granddaughter is an innocent child.  What a sad and pathetic life to have and lead...thank God her son doesn't take after her!!!!!!!!!!


Oh and there are more!  For all the world to read.  Thank God her family is so wonderful and supporting.  Really?  Her dad has money that she and her husband want real bad.  Her father had my son with the HUGE plasma big screen tv.  And more!!
   
   I should be ashamed of MYSELF?  If she noticed me why didn't SHE say something?  But I should be ashamed of myself.  My granddaughter is an innocent child.  What did I do?  I was supposed to go all weak in the knees?  Beg for forgiveness?  What about HER?  She has done NO wrong.  If anyone is bi-polar it is this poor pathetic woman.  And her mother.
   I am glad I am out of the toxic pool with them.  No more ulcers.  No more GERD.  No more IBS!!!  How did that happen?  I don't care anymore what those people do.  She can slam me all she wants on the internet.  She/he they can blame me for everything.  But why would I want anything to do with people so engrossed in themselves they never cared to find why I was hurting over all the mean she and her mother/sisters doled out? 

Stop and ask yourself.  "Is it worth the pain?"  If our sons can lop us out their lives so quickly and not look back--Take a deep breath and lop them out too.  Really.  Save yourselves.

I loved my son with my heart and soul and never once gave up on him.  He was a drunken mess.  I was the only one that cared.  She wasn't there!!  In all the moments of unhappiness for him, I was there.  His father was a drunk, too.  Promising him the moon and the stars to only beat the poor kid in a drunken rage.  I got him away from all that.  And now, I am the bad one and the bio-dad is great!  Idontneedit.Hurtstoomuchtogoback!! 
   
Shame on them all!  But if the junk hits the fan and she has had enough he better never stop foot on my property.  I have disowned him and will call the police.  (He can go live with HER mom.  :)

luise.volta

Many of us step put of pain. We leave much behind but we take our dignity with us. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama