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No hope for loss of son or DIL liking MIL

Started by Louey0727, November 04, 2009, 10:58:15 am

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I have to get an incident off my chest, then I believe I will not dwell on it any longer.
Two years ago, my husband was in the hospital recuperating from knee surgery.  I left while it was light out, as I don't drive in the dark.  It happened to be Mother's Day and my other children had already sent me flowers.
As I drove home from the hospital and nearing my son's home (we live 5 minutes apart) I was deciding should I/or should I not stop at their home.  I was so lonely this particular day and needed to see my son and grandchildren, that my car seemed to direct me to their home.  In the driveway there were a few cars, one I recognized as being my DIL's parents.  I went through the garage and opened the basement door and called up, hello anyone there - - no answer.  I could hear voices and I went up the stairs to the kitchen.  My first sight was their kitchen table had been expanded to accomodate at least 20 people.  My DIL said hello and so did her mother, the father came from the deck holding a big cooked turkey.  I said, I just wanted to stop by to see the grandchildren.  My DIL said that my son was out with his son picking up people--I talked to the other two grandchildren briefly and said my goodbyes. I felt like if there was a hole, I would drop in it.  I cried and bawled all the way home, it was so uncomfortable knowing they were preparing for Mother's Day and they knew I was alone and my husband was in the hospital.  I laid in bed crying and was sure my son would call, knowing I had been at his house.  I was hoping he would say, get back here and join us and I know Dad is in the hsopital.  Well the call never came, and I cried myself to sleep.  I could not believe how cruel and obvious were the actions of my DIL, including her mother and father. In the morning, I said this is the icing on the cake, I will never allow this treatment towards me cause me any more pain.  The next day my son came by with a picture of his three children for mother's day.  He never mentioned about me stopping over and I did not bring it up.  Sometime later when he advised me that his wife would not ever thank me for gifts or come to our house, as she has  issues with me.  The story goes on and on, but the one thing I did bring up.  How much of a issue could there be to treat someone so disresptful.  Forget that I am your mother, even a stranger who would be alone of Mother's Day. would you not have asked this lady to join you for dinner, knowing she is alone?  My son did not know what I was talking about. Later that evening he asked his wife about the incident of me dropping over on Mother's Day, and she said she does not remember anything. How can I compete with such hostility and my answer is now, I don't.  He is no longer in our lives, due to other issues and I can honestly say I do not miss my DIL and someday I hope my son will come around and we can see our granchildren again. This incident on Mother's Day is just one minor incident that I have been subjected to. Why oh why, can these relationships be so toxic, and I will swear on my life I always treated her nicely as I wanted to see my son and their children.  This is not to be at the present but hopefully one day my DIL will think internally that she will be a MIL one day and respect has to be given in order to receive it.
Thanks for listening, got it off my chest once and for all.


Dear Louey,
Time after time we've been shown that they will not be there for us when they are needed.  My husband too was in the hospital. They never came or called, though I called and left a message for them.

It is the most hurtfuf thing you can do to a parent. I'm at a crossroads now, I can't seem to get in or out.  I feel so boxed in that I feel on the verge of a breakdown. No one can hurt you like your kids.  No one. 

We gave them everything...private universities, everything.  Nothing is ever given in return.  I'm trying to find a counselor but honestly, how can anyone, Dr. or no Dr. cure a broken heart? 

Don't have sons if you can help it. That's my only thought for people.  They will love you with all their hearts but when they get married, it's over.  Their wives will not like you no matter what you do. I have tried till it's taking my life and nothing. Women of today don't like their Mothers in law.   


Dear DIL's and MIL's:
If you read my post, I am apologizing to all other DIL's, my intent was not bash all DIL's - - as I do not know every story or issues that DIL's have.
I was only relaying an incident that has bothered me for a long time, and as a matter of fact, the story could be told in a way, that it was not a DIL, it could be a friend, family member that inflicted the same pain.  Since we are on this forum with these subjects, this was my only reason for writing about this particular incident.  I have tried to talk to my DIL on many occassions, by saying, can we meet for lunch (my treat) so we go over your issues and maybe I did something wrong, that I am not aware of.  Her answer to me was, "this is not a good time" and I said, okay, we will make it another time.  Trust me, when I say, I really tried very hard to be a part of her life and not make any demands on her.  I only stopped at their house uninvited, that one and only time.  We always waited for an invitation, my son was a regular at our house with his child/children and I even told him, call your wife, and I will start supper right away.  I guess its true, when the saying goes, you cannot like everyone! 

Again my apologizes go out to the DIL's.


How painful this must have been.  It was painful to read. :(

I used to be so thankful I had 3 sons.  Now I wonder.   Sometimes - often - I just want to sell my house and all my belongings and head off... somewhere.   That's when I don't think about suicide.
Which would just be stupid, I know.   


Their behavior is unbelievably rude and cruel. My heart aches for you. Please please please find a place where you are safe and loved.

I will donate my time and energy to people who need and appreciate me - homeless? children in the hospital?
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb


Oh Anna what a sad post... 'overbearing and pushy' these kids just don't realize how many grandchildren have grandparents who don't care about them and we should be a blessing... My goodness, I would think that loving and wanting to be their children should at least win us a brownie point but it doesn't.

When I do see my son, I get yelled at  or scolded or something... it hurts so bad. I know how you feel too about the desire being gone to spend time with your son and DIL.... that's where my heart is too.


I know AnnieB, I know.....we hide a lot pain


Dear Anna:
When I read you post that you got along with all of your son's ex girlfriends.
It could be me writing that post.  My son, is a charmer with extremely good looks (not boasting, but it is true).  He had many, many girlfriends, ranging from a stripper to a religious girl who's father was a minister.
Everyone of these girls treated me with respect and even called me Mrs.---------, never by my first name or my husbands.  We asked them to call us on first name basis, but they did not.  We all got along, going out for dinners shopping together and cooking together in the kitchen.  Our whole family likes to cook and have worked as chef's.  We enjoyed these times so much and even when their was breakup, the women would call me at Xmas and sometimes come her and see me.  This is what I do not understand, all of these women could have been potential DIL's and I would have been very happy if they would have been.  Why does this not exist in the current status of my son's wife--this is what I will never understand until the day I die.  I have a friend, with the identical situation, her son had many girlfriends and when he married, her relationship with her son ended.  He just stopped coming over or calling and stopped the birthday cards, mother's day cards, etc. etc.  She to, cannot understand and it is making her very sick.  I once mentioned how it would be great if our son's could read what mother's are going through, once they get married.


Ditto here.  Both sons were Most Handsome in their schools. Drop dead movie star looking men.  Their wives are just as gorgeous.  All girlfriends loved us with all their hearts.

One even said on her wedding day, "if only I could have had you and Mr.____ for inlaws, this would be the happiest day of my life.


Louey I was wondering if your friend has a close enough relationship with her son to kindly mention how she misses the way their relationship used to be.  Maybe it has nothing to do with the DIL in this situation.  Maybe they're just extremely busy just trying to keep up with daily life.  Sometimes adult kids (including me) need a little nudge or to be reminded about their parents missing them.  We youngins get caught up in our lives sometimes and don't think enough about the parents.

With my mom I can always tell when I'm not paying enough attention to her.  She will drop these little hints or make comments.  I giggle inside because I want to say to her, "why don't you just ask for what you want, a little mother-daughter time."  She's been so busy taking care of my invalid aunt that we don't get see each other as much lately but sometimes I wish she would just be more blunt and ask for what she wants.  I can say no or yes or maybe next week, or whatever but I will never blow her off because she's very important to me and her feelings are important to me.  she always is a hint dropper and sometimes she even does the guilt trips, which I hate with a passion. Oh boy and she's getting worse about that as she gets older.  We live like five minutes from each in the same town but she still worries I guess about being alone.


Dear just2baccepted:
In answer to your query, about my friend's closeness with her son.  They were extremely close before his marriage, and by the way, her DIL was also very nice and thoughtful prior to the nuptials.  Since I do not know all that is going on in her situation, knowing my friend for over 50 years, I doubt very much that she inflicted any trouble or other negative things.  Her DIL is extremely close to her family, like every weekend her son and the DIL are over at her family or siblings homes. Her mother and father will drop in just before supper and they are constantly in their business.  So you figure it out!  The only things that comes to mind, is my friend's husband passed away and maybe the DIL feels threatened the son will help his mother around the house or whatever is needed.  She weeps daily and is so afraid to talk to her son, because she does not want to appear to be needy and she will lose him further.  I even contemplated calling him, as I am the godmother, and he seems to like me, and discuss his mother's pain.  I really have to think this over, I do not want to cause any trouble??????


Same here.. our son is very good looking and could and did date any girl he chose to. I have often had those same thoughts " if only my son had married her or her" we all got along so well ! BUT I do wonder if the relationship would have changed once she became my DIL ( I think it would have  ) because I loved my now DIL like that too. I think with marriage ( in their case ) comes ownership and we are viewed as the other woman.


Quote from: mom2 on November 05, 2009, 01:04:36 pm
Same here.. our son is very good looking and could and did date any girl he chose to. I have often had those same thoughts " if only my son had married her or her" we all got along so well ! BUT I do wonder if the relationship would have changed once she became my DIL ( I think it would have  ) because I loved my now DIL like that too. I think with marriage ( in their case ) comes ownership and we are viewed as the other woman.

I think time and marriage do change the MIL/DIL relationship and for that matter the entire IL relationship.  Speaking as a DIL and from my experience when you first meet your ILs you want to be on your best behavior and have them like you so you tend to over compensate or accept behavior that wouldn't normally be accept because its a new relationship. After you are around them more and are more comfortable with your place and the relationship with your DH I think its easier to be yourself again and find your voice.  This happened with me. I didn't speak up in the beginning and tended to go along with more and let more slide.  I have seen many cases where the MIL or DIL is viewed as the "other woman".  Women tend to be more competitive with each other so this doesn't help the MIL/DIL relationship.


I've found in my relationship with my DIL what works best is to treat her like I would want to be treated.  I don't want her to compete with me for time with my son, so I don't compete with her for it either.  My son will call and set up times when we can visit, but I don't complain that I haven't seen them in x amount of time or require a visit because I wouldn't want them doing that to me.  I value my time, and I'm sure they value theirs.   And I think the fact that I'm busy with other things makes visits happen when they want to not when they're "required" to and makes everyone enjoy them more.

I don't drop in on my son and DIL because I wouldn't want them to do that to me.  I might be taking a shower, entertaining other guests (like my sewing club), or just enjoying a nap, and I wouldn't want them to just show up.  So I don't do it to them.

I don't want my son and DIL to tell me how to live my life.  I don't want to hear about the fact that I eat real butter and the calories it has in it or that I shouldn't be water skiing at my age, so I don't tell them what I think they should be doing, either. 

I don't want my son and DIL to compare everything I do with them to what I do for my other kids, so I don't compare what they do with other family members to what they do for me.  I just enjoy what I'm given. 

I don't want my son and DIL to be possessive over their children.  So I don't act possessive either.  I ask if I can hold the kids or do something with the kids, and they usually let me because they don't feel like they have to fight with me over it.  If they say no to something, I don't do it.  It doesn't kill me to not give the kids a cookie. 

I guess I'm just trying to say that the old "do unto others" bit tends to work pretty well.  Hope this helps someone else. 


Dear Lily,
I think that's wonderful...your expectations from your son and DIL are perfect. I envy you.  I still look for son to drop in, I'd love that. 

We grew up dropping in on people, which I'd never do today. People weren't as private and worried if their houses were spick and span in earlier times. They were glad to see you and "come on in this house!!". I sound like I'm a hundred but you'd be surprised at how young I am.

I'd never do that to my kids today.  I don't do that to others either. People have changed, are more private and need their "down time". I understand that. I don't mind if anyone drops in on me, though. I love it. 

The friends in my life I love so much are the very ones I feel like I can just go see and not be afraid when I got there that they would treat me like I had interrupted them. I love those people so much.

I do think you have yourself together emotionally too as far as your son and DIL go.  Good for you!!