Author Topic: How To Wear out Ones Welcome in a matter of hours.  (Read 3656 times)

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GreatWhiteNorth

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How To Wear out Ones Welcome in a matter of hours.
« on: February 11, 2011, 12:06:45 PM »
I have not posted for a while however I did see MIL at Christmas, she was in our house for maybe 5 hours. It is one of the three yearly exposures I get to her each year.

Basically, MIL came up to me and uttered a non appology. The appology was "sorry for any inconvenience I might have caused" since when are daycare abduction attempts, leaving and leaving a woman for dead when she is in labour with her grandchild, or threatening the safety of her very grandchildren for the sake of Negative attention a mere *inconvenience*?

MIL proceeded to hug me at that point as if I had accepted this non appology. MIL then got drunk and hung over my DH like a drunken teenager and then just started her offensive behavior all over again. Started to try and pry my DD for information about where she goes to school, who is her teacher, what is her teachers number?

So MIL is not in the least bit sorry for any *inconvenience* she is sorry for herself because her consequences give her less time with us to drum up negative attention. MIL was looking for a carte blanche for Christmas.

I know her behavior was not great but in terms of her past behavior of antic after antic, like an energizer bunny on steroids, performing antic and then checking for a reaction, she was pretty tame really. I wondered if she has tamed down a bit.

At one point MIL got angry at Christmas, it was in regards to my dishwasher. MIL looked at SIL and asked if she remembered when DH was suppose to buy on FOR HER. As if THIS is normal. Then she asked DH to take her on a tour to see what else he provided for his wife and family that has not been provided to her.

Still, not great behavior...but I thought it was pretty tame in the grand scheme of how she normally behaves.

Well, it intensifies in the weeks to come.......

MIL indeed thought she got a carte blanch for Christmas, starts phoning here again as if all is back to how it was over 7 years ago when I had no idea who she really was. She has cast so many stones to try and get us fighting, which have not worked because I know exactly what she is up to and all I do is think "nice try  MIL". She has done everything from leaving accidental messages on our machine in her mother tounge, addressed to my DH when the messages are really for someone else and she keeps sending my DH back with "announcements that he was just with her" sort of trinkets. It is so ridiculous.

New Years Day, since MIL thinks she got a carte blanche, had FIL call her and ask if DH would like to spend New Years Day over at their place doing chores for her, since it is warm out and all. Of course....what else would a man with a wife and three kids want to do but spend the holiday servicing her in chores that MIL is more then capable of doing herself.

Then three weeks into January we get the call. It turns out my dishwasher was eating MIL alive so she wore down FIL (who is super cheap) for a dishwasher. They just assume that DH will be spending all his time over there instead of with his family installing it for her. When FIL is more then capable of installing this for his wife. MIL had FIL call here on her behalf over and over and over and over again. It was like MIL was going to make sure that DH gave her the same energy he gave his wife. It is like she was competing for his attention.

Oh and then the one night late after we are all sleeping, the phone rang and rang about 40 times. It woke us up. Then they paged, What was the urgency?

MIL had a "premonition" that DH and I were fighting and DH had left us. She pushed FIL into calling to check and see if her "premonition" was correct. FIL embarassingly admitted to this a few days after the fact. Apparently MIL is driving him up the wall, wearing him out and he does what she wants just to get to her to stop talking for just one minute. I know FIL is guilty in this too, I sometimes think he enjoys the drama of his wifes "crazy".

Talk about trying to get a couple fighting. Then MIL claims that we should just face it, DH is a square pot and I am a circle lid. Our kids would be better off if we were just not together (remember there was no fight here).

In reality, DH and I and our three kids are the circle pot and MIL is the  square lid that just doesn't fit but sure has strong will to try and get herself to fit somewhere that she just simply does not belong.

MILs puzzle piece fits in the puzzle of her and FIL, yet she keeps trying to jam her puzzle piece in the puzzle of DH and I and our little family. No matter how she turns it and trys to squish it in, it simply does not fit.

When is she going to get that?

All MIL managed to do is wear out her very small welcome in our home in a very short period of time. I wonder if she thinks she is ever coming over here again after that?

overwhelmed123

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Re: How To Wear out Ones Welcome in a matter of hours.
« Reply #1 on: February 11, 2011, 12:37:46 PM »
I hope even if she DOES think she's coming over there again- that you prove her wrong!  She sounds like a nightmare- judging from your other post and this one.

justme

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Re: How To Wear out Ones Welcome in a matter of hours.
« Reply #2 on: February 11, 2011, 12:46:05 PM »
Your MIL's repeated behaviour is simply abusive!  No wonder you are furious!

holliberri

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Re: How To Wear out Ones Welcome in a matter of hours.
« Reply #3 on: February 11, 2011, 12:47:28 PM »
If all she could muster up after all of that was a non-apology....she's never going to get it...and doesn't want to.

LaurieS

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Re: How To Wear out Ones Welcome in a matter of hours.
« Reply #4 on: February 11, 2011, 01:01:18 PM »
I'm interested in hearing if dh really sees this as a major concern or if he will blow it off to "it's just my mom"

overwhelmed123

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Re: How To Wear out Ones Welcome in a matter of hours.
« Reply #5 on: February 11, 2011, 01:02:16 PM »
LOL!  "Oh, it's just my mom...wishing death on you...no biggie."  *shrug*

GreatWhiteNorth

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Re: How To Wear out Ones Welcome in a matter of hours.
« Reply #6 on: February 12, 2011, 02:42:40 AM »
Oh believe me, MIL not coming over here again. I would feel too much like I would have to lock every room to protect us from MILs "Rage of The Green Eyes".

Overwhelmed- Actually that would be a rather tame denial, I have heard some doozies. In response to MILs email bashing campaign she set on years ago, email after email claiming I don't love my kids(clearly evident in that I don't have them near HER), that I am evil and need to go to Sunday School (for withdrawing from HER), that she hoped for more for her son then me, and what a shame that I am so educated and yet act like this (withdrawing from HER) lol.

I had her behavior in writing, non deniable- so one would think!

FIL came over and explained that the English language changes ALL THE TIME, yes it is true! He has so noticed this. So you see MIL is actually the victim of these emails because you see the English language changed thus what she wrote doesn't really mean what I read.

He assured me that she means no harm.

LOL.....yep that one still makes me laugh. The words and picturing MIL hanging her head and acting like she was actually victimized by this.

I don't know what is funnier, the ridiculous gaslighting that is so ridiculous that it is funny or the fact that they think we are so dim that we would swallow this for one second.
« Last Edit: February 12, 2011, 02:54:50 AM by GreatWhiteNorth »

GreatWhiteNorth

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Re: How To Wear out Ones Welcome in a matter of hours.
« Reply #7 on: February 12, 2011, 02:51:02 AM »
I forgot to mention this doozie.....

MIL phoned here and I stupidly answered thinking it was my DH because he was suppose to be there that day working on her van (that she broke herself to get birthday attention away from a grandchild- happens every grandchilds birthday). MIL was calling here to ensure that I knew that DH was over there serving her (she figured if I didn't know THIS would surely get us fighting).

MIL after ratting out DH but pretending that she called by accident due to how inept she is (she fakes ineptitude for attention too), MIL asked me this doozie....all concerned...she wondered...

"I hope you new baby can finally smile" LOL (side note here, my new baby is so smiley, it is one of the things that is so amazingly beautiful about her)

I see MIL as a rat who figures out what behavior to do to get a pellet. Everytime she pulls something I step back and picture this, and ensure she does not get the pellet she just worked for. The sound of MILs frazzled voice on the phone when she is waiting for the pellet and none comes, that is the sign that I handled it properly. I just hang up and AGAIN think "nice try MIL"

Who acts like this? really? And just how is this benefitting her again?
« Last Edit: February 12, 2011, 02:56:11 AM by GreatWhiteNorth »

Offline JaneF

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Re: How To Wear out Ones Welcome in a matter of hours.
« Reply #8 on: February 12, 2011, 03:34:34 AM »
Mercy, you certainly have quite a colorful MIL, for lack of a better term. Wow. I sure wouldn't want to have her around much either. If I was her son I would tell her in no uncertain terms that him being over there all the time to do everything she demands is going to stop. Since she and her husband are physically capable of doing for themselves, they should. It is shocking to read these posts and see how awful some folks behave isn't it? Makes me wonder if some of them were dropped on their heads as infants to cause brain damage! I no longer try to figure out the why or try to "fix it". Too draining of my energy, and besides...I have more important things to take care of  1) ME AND DH, and GD we are raising   2) refer to example #1!!!!!!   lol. Life is interesting. Blessings to all of the wise women here that struggle with their own issues in life. May you be surrounded by peaceful and loving folks!

Offline lancaster lady

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Re: How To Wear out Ones Welcome in a matter of hours.
« Reply #9 on: February 12, 2011, 07:00:32 AM »
My advice is ...move house and don't leave a forwarding address !!

LaurieS

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Re: How To Wear out Ones Welcome in a matter of hours.
« Reply #10 on: February 12, 2011, 07:59:29 AM »
Oh believe me, MIL not coming over here again. I would feel too much like I would have to lock every room to protect us from MILs "Rage of The Green Eyes".

Overwhelmed- Actually that would be a rather tame denial, I have heard some doozies. In response to MILs email bashing campaign she set on years ago, email after email claiming I don't love my kids(clearly evident in that I don't have them near HER), that I am evil and need to go to Sunday School (for withdrawing from HER), that she hoped for more for her son then me, and what a shame that I am so educated and yet act like this (withdrawing from HER) lol.

I had her behavior in writing, non deniable- so one would think!

FIL came over and explained that the English language changes ALL THE TIME, yes it is true! He has so noticed this. So you see MIL is actually the victim of these emails because you see the English language changed thus what she wrote doesn't really mean what I read.

He assured me that she means no harm.

LOL.....yep that one still makes me laugh. The words and picturing MIL hanging her head and acting like she was actually victimized by this.

I don't know what is funnier, the ridiculous gaslighting that is so ridiculous that it is funny or the fact that they think we are so dim that we would swallow this for one second.

Have you discussed this episode with your dh and what did he have to say?

GreatWhiteNorth

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Re: How To Wear out Ones Welcome in a matter of hours.
« Reply #11 on: February 13, 2011, 06:01:32 AM »
No Laurie, I have not mentioned it yet. It is a mix of I just don't care to talk about her anymore and I that I simply don't want to give her antics any more attention.

I did ask after Christmas if he noticed that his mother was drunk, he did. Well it would have been hard to deny that one, MIL went up to him and announced "I feel drunk" lol.

I have strictly limited my exposure to her, three a year. Christmas is the only one without significant buffers in place (SILs entire family).  lol. In response to my decision to limit contact this family is simply creating more "family traditions" and then acting like we always get together for these when I react to why this is new. Dodging those bullets are what I dislike the most. As if every adult birthday, wedding anniversary, childs birthday are unbreakable family traditions.

Honoring all these supposed family traditions would grant her exposure about every 3 weeks. Amazing how this family dances around her. Of course, why get her to admit to any wrong doing or correct her horrendous behavior when you can manufacture things like this to take away her consequences (which is the the very limited exposure)

This family acts like my childrens birthdays are not my choice in terms of how I want to celebrate them. I prefer the kids party, it is fun for the kids. You would not believe how much pressure they put on me in November to have MIL here for my DDs birthday. I had just given birth too and I was offensive for not hosting a large family gathering.

I noticed that my childrens birthdays always end up about MIL. MIL yells out " I AM A VICTIM" and BIL and FIL and even DH sometimes scurry about to ensure she is not victimized. All that does is manage to make the childs birthday all about "how can we include MIL?". When MIL is invited (which has not been for years now) there is always some manufactured fiasco that puts her at the center of attention and it is always about her needing rescuing, right before or on the birthday. I am sick of those too. They are the major reason I don't have her here anymore.

I am trying to make the childs birthday for the child.....not for MIL

LaurieS

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Re: How To Wear out Ones Welcome in a matter of hours.
« Reply #12 on: February 13, 2011, 06:25:38 AM »
Quote
No Laurie, I have not mentioned it yet. It is a mix of I just don't care to talk about her anymore and I that I simply don't want to give her antics any more attention.
I guess I'm confused and not fully understanding  your desired goal.  You believe that your mil at some point cornered your young child and expressed a desire for you to be dead, and this isn't worthy of conversation with your dh, her son?

So is this to mean that you really don't view mil as anything other then a pia and that she is harmless to your family unit?  I guess what I'm scratching my head over is that you are simply sick and tired of talking about mil, this is fully understandable, you can only beat the subject so long, yet you took the time to post here.  Surely if your child was placed into a red zone your dh would need to know at the very least know what his mother is capable of in order to help you prevent a repeat of this type of dialog with his child.  If my spouse withheld information such as this from me, I would probably have as much of an issue with him as I would with the person who originated the problem.  Good luck to you.

GreatWhiteNorth

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Re: How To Wear out Ones Welcome in a matter of hours.
« Reply #13 on: February 13, 2011, 06:58:56 AM »
Hey Laurie,
No- I don't think that MIL is a mere PIA and harmless- I can handle a PIA with grace and aplomb, I have done that many times in my professional and personal life. If MIL was simply a PIA or simply just a bit strange, I could handle that and that would not be a reason for me to limit contact with her at all. If that was all she was, I would be over there every week bringing over the grandchildren, I would have her here all the time for lunch and get togethers. I would have no problem with someone being no more then different or a minor annoyance even.

My Goals are distance from a toxic person for the sake of my health and safety and for that of my family and marriage and I find it unfortunate that I am in this situation with this person. Distance physically and then emotionally. I am pretty physically distant from her and wondering if the distance I have is actually enough but then the next stage is emotional distance. I put in place the same protective measures with MIL that I would with any toxic preditor.

Unfortunately, these actions of MILs of recent are actually minor compared to what she has done in the past. Unfortunately people don't get taken off to the funny farm anymore, if they did, MIL would be a resident years and years ago. Unfortunately it is not illegal to be as mentally derranged as she is and not get help. Legally FIL is the one that would initiate the process but FIL is warped too and enjoying her crazy. We would have to get FIL declared mentally incompetent before we could touch MIL we would have to proove why it is that FIL is not doing something about his crazy wife.

I am simply realistic and choose to post my reaction here instead of with my DH.  MIL gets less attention that way. I didn't even need to post it here really, I just kind of missed everyone here and thought, hey why not.



« Last Edit: February 13, 2011, 07:24:21 AM by GreatWhiteNorth »

cremebrulee

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Re: How To Wear out Ones Welcome in a matter of hours.
« Reply #14 on: February 13, 2011, 07:01:22 AM »
GWN
I think your handling the situation well...
when I was married, they're family was huge, and always had something going to...when you work full time, raising a child, you need some down time for self, so I simply started telling them I wasn't coming and why...

totally understand why you would feel the way you do about your situation...she is making life miserable, and your absolutely right, the party should be about the child...not her....or anyone else for that matter...

she sounds awful....

Hugs and quit frankly I'd feel and do the same thing....