Author Topic: DIL feeling threatened?  (Read 14445 times)

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Offline Pen

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DIL feeling threatened?
« on: February 11, 2011, 08:31:19 AM »
DH & I rarely get time with DS w/o DIL. When she's out of town on business DS will call or come by, or might even invite DH & I, together or separately, to hang out (!) We have long, drama-free conversations about various topics, current events, life stuff. If DIL knows he's with us she calls or texts constantly. She spends a lot of time alone/with DS with her FOO, though.

We cherish the four short visits (4!) we've had with DS alone since the wedding a few years ago. Not that we don't want to see DIL, but she doesn't like us which makes the visits very awkward. She dictates what we talk about (her & her FOO only), how much we talk (more than a couple of sentences and she gets huffy), what we do (she doesn't share our interests), etc.

What's an MIL to do? If we express a desire for time we might be seen as demanding and needy. If we don't ask we'reoften left alone because all is apparently well (squeaky wheel syndrome.) Perhaps if some DIL's would loosen the reins their needy MILs wouldn't feel abandoned and could lighten up.

What's up with that? Why is it considered normal for DIL to see her FOO alone but MILs/FILs are odd for wanting to see DS alone?

Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

LaurieS

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Re: DIL feeling threatened?
« Reply #1 on: February 11, 2011, 08:34:09 AM »
Your dil must have thought the ring was to slip through his nose and not onto his finger.

overwhelmed123

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Re: DIL feeling threatened?
« Reply #2 on: February 11, 2011, 08:35:32 AM »
I wish I could give you some insight, but I find it odd as well.  I don't spend a lot of alone time with my parents without my DH.  If I do, it's never because we plan it that way- it's because my parents come into town (they live 2 hours away) for business and my DH is at work and can't join us.  I'm sorry your DIL is so difficult.  I can't imagine dealing with someone being that controlling over a dang conversation!!

AnonymousDIL

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Re: DIL feeling threatened?
« Reply #3 on: February 11, 2011, 08:48:20 AM »
Your DIL seems to be a bit b!tchy if you ask me.

I know that I rarely spend time with my Mom without DH (only if he is working and mom invites me over to help her with something). He occassionally drops in at his parents, but not that often (and usually to drop off/pick up something on his way home from work). My brother is married and he also only sees Mom alone if SIL is working. SIL doesn't see her family without my brother ever.

DH and I are married, we are a unit. Same with my brother and his wife. We don't go places without the other unless it can't be helped.

I think it is a bit much for your DIL to constantly text/call when you guys are together. Sounds a little insecure, but I don't think it is typical for DS to come home and spend time with his parents without his wife. It sucks that she is such a b!tch and doesn't get along with you. Maybe if she were more normal it wouldn't be an issue.

Perhaps you intimidate her?

LaurieS

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Re: DIL feeling threatened?
« Reply #4 on: February 11, 2011, 08:54:53 AM »
I don't think she is intimidated

overwhelmed123

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Re: DIL feeling threatened?
« Reply #5 on: February 11, 2011, 08:55:38 AM »
I don't either, I think it's just a power play.

LaurieS

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Re: DIL feeling threatened?
« Reply #6 on: February 11, 2011, 08:57:49 AM »
I think it is total control... she has stepped it up more then a notch above power play :)

Offline Pen

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Re: DIL feeling threatened?
« Reply #7 on: February 11, 2011, 09:24:27 AM »
I think you guys are right, there's no way she's intimidated by me. She's got it all and knows it.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

overwhelmed123

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Re: DIL feeling threatened?
« Reply #8 on: February 11, 2011, 09:28:47 AM »
I think the only other reason may be that she's insecure with herself- however, that's not your problem to fix and it shouldn't be your problem, period.  But I don't know her.  Just trying to figure out why she would feel a need to do all these things.

LaurieS

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Re: DIL feeling threatened?
« Reply #9 on: February 11, 2011, 09:38:06 AM »
Being insecure would be one reason.. or the other is that she is a self serving person who doesn't have time for anyone else in her little world.  Eliminate the in-laws and you have no one that you will ever need to consider.. Now it's all about her, her FOO, her husband, her house, her life.. see the direction?

LaurieS

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Re: DIL feeling threatened?
« Reply #10 on: February 11, 2011, 09:39:27 AM »
That is just one possibility.. but there is no doubt in my mind that there are people out there who would chose to eliminate out of convenience and nothing more.

overwhelmed123

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Re: DIL feeling threatened?
« Reply #11 on: February 11, 2011, 09:47:09 AM »
That is just depressing to think about.  What a sad way to be.

LaurieS

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Re: DIL feeling threatened?
« Reply #12 on: February 11, 2011, 10:00:49 AM »
I agree sad but very true for some... at times I feel that this is the direction my own dil is heading.. except she needs for us to get angry so she can step back and say.. "see your parents don't like me, so now I never have to have them in my life again".. So far it's not working.. we aren't biting and my ds finds us to be important in his life even if he gives into his wife constantly.  He knows it's on the horizon, we've talked about it.

overwhelmed123

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Re: DIL feeling threatened?
« Reply #13 on: February 11, 2011, 10:25:17 AM »
I can't remember if you said it since I've been around or not- was she like this before they got engaged?

LaurieS

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Re: DIL feeling threatened?
« Reply #14 on: February 11, 2011, 10:31:37 AM »
Was my dil like this before they were engaged?