Author Topic: MIL #1 and MIL #2  (Read 9392 times)

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jkm426

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MIL #1 and MIL #2
« on: February 11, 2011, 03:33:47 AM »
MIL#1- Thoughtful, warm caring.  A friend, supportive, gives good sdvice.  She is included in the lives of sons family and loves her DIL.  Has her fault(donm;t we all).

MIL#2- Manipulative, interfering and bossy.  Needy, wants to be too involved.  Noisy and is a witch.  Never included in sons family. Has no good qualities and should not exist.

I am both of these MILs!  In the first I am the to my DS1 wife of ten years.  In the second I am the MIL(almost) to my DS2 soon to be bride.  They have been together for 3 years.  I live about 15 minutes from both(in opposite directions). 
 Can anyone explain how I can be both? 

Offline Nana

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Re: MIL #1 and MIL #2
« Reply #1 on: February 11, 2011, 03:45:32 AM »
Oh God....how can that be? 
Split personality? 
Like one dil and dont like the other?
I give up...you tell us

What I do know....is why you are included in one of your son's life, and not accepted in the other son's life.

Love
Love is not love Which alters when it alteration finds, Or bends with the remover to remove:
Shakespeare

jkm426

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Re: MIL #1 and MIL #2
« Reply #2 on: February 11, 2011, 04:57:35 AM »
I was included until the engagement.  After that, very little.  I may call once a month.  I NEVER go to his house uninvited.  I have been to his once to drop off a box of his things I found in my attic and once for my dress for the wedding to "be approved."

holliberri

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Re: MIL #1 and MIL #2
« Reply #3 on: February 11, 2011, 05:10:01 AM »
I have been to his once to drop off a box of his things I found in my attic and once for my dress for the wedding to "be approved."

I know this doesn't help much, but that reminds me of those Bridezilla episodes on WeTv.

I never heard of the MOTG/Mom parading before the bride in their dress for approval.

I hope that isn't catching on. I find it dehumanizing.

seasage

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Re: MIL #1 and MIL #2
« Reply #4 on: February 11, 2011, 05:45:15 AM »
Remember the Cherokee wolf story Keys Girl told us back in October?  In each one of us live two wolves, one evil and one good.  Oh how I loved that story!  At the end, the Cherokee grandfather asks, which wolf will you feed?

http://www.wisewomenunite.com/index.php/topic,1002.msg19623.html#msg19623

Likewise, in each DIL live two MILs, one perceived as evil, the other perceived as good.  Which MIL wins?  The one the DIL feeds.

My DIL is determined that I be her evil MIL.  After 6 years, I realized that I have no control over DIL's perception.  Everything I do, everything I say, she uses to feed the evil MIL within her.

Offline Pen

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Re: MIL #1 and MIL #2
« Reply #5 on: February 11, 2011, 05:49:47 AM »
Yup! I knew there was an agenda!

My DIL had already chosen which wolf to feed before she got to know me. I think she had help from her FOO. If DH & I are out of the picture it makes it ever so much easier to control DS!
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

AnonymousDIL

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Re: MIL #1 and MIL #2
« Reply #6 on: February 11, 2011, 05:57:24 AM »
JKM, Think back to when 1st son got married. Were things all rosy with DIL1 at that point in time? Do you and DIL1 have more similar "laid-back" personalities? And how are things really between you and DS2? Does he have some kind of pent up resentment towards you for being overly involved or anything like that? Don't immediately assume it is the DIL, a LOT of the times it is the DS. It is a phase. He will outgrow it.

DS2 and DIL2 may be setting boundaries now so things don't get bad in the future. This is actually a good thing. Play by the boundaries now and they will be relaxed later on. It will make your relationship better. If you push the boundaries now, it will only get you cut out of their life. And I'm sure you don't want that to happen.

Some people don't think it is "rude" to just drop in on someone's house unannounced. But, some people find it traumatizing. I'm like that. I HATE when people drop in on me. My house might not be clean and I don't want anyone to see my mess. My MIL dropped in once prior to the wedding. Oh, wait she LIED to me and told me that FH told her to come when he did not. (Note to MIL's, Please, PLEASE, don't play your son against his wife. Don't try to get him in trouble with his wife.) So, if DIL2 doesn't want you to "drop in" it doesn't mean she doesn't want to see you at all, just that she wants everything to be "perfect" when you come over because she feels that you are judging her ability to properly care for your son.

And it is "tradition" that the MOG's dress be approved by the bride (I didn't personally do this because I wasn't worried about it). But they do that so the dresses don't clash with the bridal party and each other. It isn't meant to be offensive. I do know that SOME Bride's do take that a bit too far though, but as a general rule it was just so nothing clashed.

Offline Pooh

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Re: MIL #1 and MIL #2
« Reply #7 on: February 11, 2011, 06:17:30 AM »
If I could explain that one, I could explain why one of my boobs is bigger than the other.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

cremebrulee

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Re: MIL #1 and MIL #2
« Reply #8 on: February 11, 2011, 06:22:52 AM »
It probably doesn't have anything to do with you...
DIL #1 might come for a secure childhood, and is not intimidated as much as DIL #2
Things you do with #1 well, frankly she realizes, we're all different, with different ideas, thoughts and feelings....and so, everything rolls off her back.

Lets face it, we all have little tinsy weensy autiosyncrocies, which irritate others....however, a lot of people can ignore them, b/c they were raised to understand, no one is perfect and to look past the bad, and look for the good.

DIL #2 may have come from a home that did not give her the attention and confidence she needs to survive....so, things that are said, which would not bother most, will intimidate her because she is very insecure. 

Your dealing with two totally different personalities here, and each one of them, can be at the complete oppositie end of the spectrum....however, I have found through research, that people skills, or the lack thereof, comes from a childhood background of either great support, attention and confidence and education, or, the unfortunate lack of all....it's all about how we children were bought up....and most likely has nothing at all to do with you, and remember, if DIL #2 came from a bad family background, she might be harboring a whole lot of anger, which is misdirected anger, a lack of confidence, and takes everything people say as an insult b/c she is extremely insecure.




Offline Pen

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Re: MIL #1 and MIL #2
« Reply #9 on: February 11, 2011, 06:43:43 AM »
JKM, Think back to when 1st son got married. Were things all rosy with DIL1 at that point in time? Do you and DIL1 have more similar "laid-back" personalities? And how are things really between you and DS2? Does he have some kind of pent up resentment towards you for being overly involved or anything like that? Don't immediately assume it is the DIL, a LOT of the times it is the DS. It is a phase. He will outgrow it.

DS2 and DIL2 may be setting boundaries now so things don't get bad in the future. This is actually a good thing. Play by the boundaries now and they will be relaxed later on. It will make your relationship better. If you push the boundaries now, it will only get you cut out of their life. And I'm sure you don't want that to happen.

Some people don't think it is "rude" to just drop in on someone's house unannounced. But, some people find it traumatizing. I'm like that. I HATE when people drop in on me. My house might not be clean and I don't want anyone to see my mess. My MIL dropped in once prior to the wedding. Oh, wait she LIED to me and told me that FH told her to come when he did not. (Note to MIL's, Please, PLEASE, don't play your son against his wife. Don't try to get him in trouble with his wife.) So, if DIL2 doesn't want you to "drop in" it doesn't mean she doesn't want to see you at all, just that she wants everything to be "perfect" when you come over because she feels that you are judging her ability to properly care for your son.

And it is "tradition" that the MOG's dress be approved by the bride (I didn't personally do this because I wasn't worried about it). But they do that so the dresses don't clash with the bridal party and each other. It isn't meant to be offensive. I do know that SOME Bride's do take that a bit too far though, but as a general rule it was just so nothing clashed.

Yes, Ma'am! How high, Ma'am?  ;)
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

holliberri

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Re: MIL #1 and MIL #2
« Reply #10 on: February 11, 2011, 06:45:34 AM »
I think ADil may be onto something about this adjustment period thing. My SIL was in the hot seat until I walked onto the scene. They didn't like her at all, and said awful things about her. I've since learned that culture barrier aside, she's wonderful, very nice and she and I have a lot in common; I expected to dislike her b/c they did.

I'm in the hot seat now. I don't think it's intentional, but I think every family goes through an adjustment like this. But, with no other DSs, I think I have to enjoy the warmth for a little longer.

But, I didn't have to block my number last night to thank her for the V-day gifts...so could we be onto something?

Offline Pen

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Re: MIL #1 and MIL #2
« Reply #11 on: February 11, 2011, 06:53:04 AM »
Oh there are so many rules for MILs these days. I didn't set one single rule for DIL. Go figure.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

overwhelmed123

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Re: MIL #1 and MIL #2
« Reply #12 on: February 11, 2011, 07:00:21 AM »
I don't think it's tradition for the bride to "approve" MIL's dress as in she has to look it over before the MIL gets the "okay."  I think it's more of a "this is the color and style I am going for," after the MOTB's dress is picked and the bride says, "okay" or "not okay."  Having the dress brought over to get it approved sounds so ridiculous and self-important.

Anyway, I'm just brainstorming here.  What was your relationship like with son #2?  Was it the same as with son #1?  Were you closer with one or the other?  Have you always only called once a month?  When you call, what are your conversations like?  For instance, do you ask him to call or come over more? 

I'm trying to come up with something other than the DIL is mentally distressed.

seasage

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Re: MIL #1 and MIL #2
« Reply #13 on: February 11, 2011, 07:00:59 AM »
Oh there are so many rules for MILs these days. I didn't set one single rule for DIL. Go figure.

I'm trying to remember.  Is there a list of rules for DILs anywhere on this site?

Offline Pooh

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Re: MIL #1 and MIL #2
« Reply #14 on: February 11, 2011, 07:23:22 AM »
Pen, I didn't have any rules for DIL either.  I have personal boundaries for everyone, but no rules.

I still think much of it boils down to personalities and acceptance of differences.  When both parties are that way, no major issues.  It's when one is and the other is not, or both are not, that you have problems.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell