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Offline Rejected

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Needing help understanding MIL and how to deal
« on: February 09, 2011, 11:11:28 PM »
I have been reading this site for a while and I've finally got up the guts to post because I am getting to the point where I want to give up.  A little background: I was previously married to a very wonderful man that tried more than anything to gain his abusive mother's approval but clear up until the end of his life he never gained it. My former MIL would openly say that she had no love to give her son. He very tragically passed away and I still miss him every single day. I saw a therapist a few months after and she advised me to cut these people off and that I didn't have to put up with their toxic manipulation and I have cut them off. From then on I swore to myself that I was going to stand up for myself and my loved ones and not be walked on anymore, however, I am one that hates confrontation so if I am uncomfortable I back away and minimize contact.

I am now remarried to a wonderful man(we went to high school together) that has a lot of compassion and is so kind, but he doesn't allow himself to be walked on either.  My MIL was not really involved while DH and I were dating, it was after we were engaged is when things went downhill. My MIL is a widow herself and has been for 11 years and my DH has been the one taking care of her and her house for the last 8 years by himself and he is her baby(her words, not mine). Later on I noticed that my DF and his mom would frequently get in yelling arguments with each other which made me really uncomfortable because I was raised to respect people (especially my elders). After one of the arguments I pulled DF aside and told him that it bothered me how he yelled at his mom (this had been going on for 7 years on a weekly basis) and that he needed to treat her with respect, but I also said that is wasn't right for her to yell & swear at him the way she did either but we can't change her, so hopefully by his example of not yelling it would show her that he wasn't going to engage in that anymore. He has slipped up 2-3 times in the last 2 years yelling back at her which I think is a great improvement.

My MIL feels the need to press us with her advice and if we don't follow it she gets upset and yells at DH. For example, while engaged we were buying a bed for us and she told my DF(dear fiance) that she had advised her other children to get king sized beds so that their kids could hop into bed with them, but she told my DF to get a queen size bed. Personally I think it's weird for her to be giving her advice on this subject anyway, but my DF is 6'6" and doesn't fit on a queen, so we got a Cali King which is perfect for his height and us. She got so upset about that.

The wedding is a whole other story that involved arguments, hurt feelings, tears, DF's entire side wearing black, and a mistake on my part. I wanted to pay for everything myself so I didn't owe anyone anything and plan it just me and my DF. I didn't get to plan my first wedding so I wanted to plan my second one. I didn't involve MIL enough, but she knew more of what was going on then my own mom because she was in Australia during the engagement.

My MIL and my DH were big into the show 24 and since we have DVR we would invite her over to watch it so we could fast forward the commercials and we'd take turns bringing/making a snack to eat while we watched. One time she told us she couldn't make it so we made other plans and had my sister and her husband over and MIL's plans changed again and she didn't let us know so she was just going to come over and when she saw the unfamiliar car parked in our driveway she went home and yelled at DH about it a few days later and has never been back to my house since.

Since she relied on my DH for pretty much all her needs (since he'd been taking care of her for so long) she would call about 3-4 times a week needing his help and would expect him over within an hour to fix whatever problem she had. A lot of the time it was things like she bumped the remote and it changed something so her TV wasn't working anymore, she needed help burning a cd, she was cooking and was out of a certain food item & it was too heavy for her to carry up the stairs and other times it was mowing the lawn, shoveling snow, finding something in the garage (then yelling at him for moving it where she couldn't find it)and then she would talk to him for a half hour to an hour. The demands from her were getting too much so I started to pointed out to DH that she is far more capable than what she's admitting to. She's only 63 yrs old and she's not by any means fragile. I pointed out to DH that she says she can't carry something up her stairs but she can move her refrigerator around like it's nothing (she would move it in the middle of the kitchen to block DH's path so that's he'd do his share of the dishes before proceeding through the kitchen), she said she couldn't carry her groceries in from the car but she could lift a tire in the back of her car. His eyes were beginning to open up and then MIL hung herself when she told DH that she doesn't mind being a widow when she can reap the benefits of having other people do stuff for her. That's when he stopped answering all of her calls right away and stopped doing those little tasks for her. He would still help her with the lawn but on his own time. She now calls DH her once dependable child. At first it hurt his feelings and he would go over by himself and help do other stuff like fix broken sprinkler lines but she would yell and swear at him every time, and I mean every time, he would go over to help her and she would tell him that I'm controlling him, that my FOO is evil and she gave an excuse to hate every member of my family who she has only met twice for the wedding, and every time they have an argument she would call DH's other siblings (who all live out of state) and tell them how disrespectful her son is being. They would call DH and ask what is going on and when DH would try and explain they would say "I just don't see mom doing that." Since I've been in the family she has never yelled at any of her other children, just her youngest. She also treats the both of us like children, she mutters passive-aggressive comments, and says phrases like "you two won't understand until..." or "You're not old enough to appreciate this..." Also if we tried to express our opinions or feelings on any matter and she didn't agree with us she would laugh at us (this was a major trigger for DH).

The relationship with my MIL was not what I was hoping for and I really wanted to have a good relationship with her so my DH and I decided to narrow our problems with her to 3 main ones and have a talk with her(something I developed an ulcer over because I was so nervous about this confrontation). During the talk we brought up the 3 things we asked of her 1. not be offended if we didn't follow her advice  2. to please not speak ill of my FOO to DH (she competes with my FOO because I have a large family and we ALL live in the same city so we do see each other at least once a week) 3. leave my former IL's out of things (she had this obsession with them too) She thought that I constantly compared my former MIL to her. I went through counseling to get over my her and she was the last thing on my mind. I told my MIL that I didn't compare her and she told me I was a liar. After fighting back the tears I collected myself and asked how I could prove to her that I didn't and she said "I don't know, time I guess." Her proof that I compared her was a quote I had on facebook when I first started my profile 6 years ago that I completely forgot was there, then she yelled at me, and I apologized and told her I would take it down and I did as soon as we got home from talking to her. She never agreed to any of the requests we asked of her. At the end of the talk we asked her if there was anything we could do on our part to improve the relationship and her only request was that we spend more time with her side of the family. Since all of her other kids lived out of state that meant to spend more time with her. So...for the next 2 months we would visit her once a week. If we missed a week we would visit twice the following week. She started calling again needing help for things in the second month so when DH would go over there to help she started up with bashing me and my FOO again. My DH pleaded with his mom to give me a chance and that I was trying and she laughed at his face. My DH would come home to ticked off then I'd spend the next 30-60 min calming him down. It wasn't worth it to us so we cut way back on the communication. We didn't talk to her for 3 months and when dh finally went over again to see where things stood she continued on about me & my FOO. So now we only see her on certain holidays or special occasions, so about once ever 2 months and we live only 5 minutes away from her.

Occasionally we feel sorry for her because she lives alone and gets lonely and we live the closest to her but whenever we try anything it just comes back to bite us in the rear. We don't know what to do. I have never raised my voice to my MIL or disrespected her at all. My thinking is that she's upset that I stole her baby and her helper, but I couldn't stand seeing DH treated like that and how upset he would get.  I personally don't care anymore what she thinks of me, if she wants to hate me she can. My concern is for DH and his relationship with her (which he only wants in small doses) but he wants a relationship with his siblings more and MIL is putting a strain on that. So it seems that if he wants a relationship with his siblings he has to have a relationship with his mother.

When I am around MIL minds herself a little more. She's only yelled twice in front of me and once at me. But she is very fake as well. She will ask question after question and make it seem like she genuinely cares, but then a few days later(since we live in the same small city) we get wind of everything we've told her with her own spin on it. She is a HUGE gossiper and feels the need to tell everyone she can everything she knows. We have a family newsletter each week and in it she has a chatter section at the bottom that she always tells her gossip for the week. Ugh!

I have thought of us taking MIL out to dinner once a month, this way she can spend time with her son but it's in a public place so she can't act out. DH is hesitant about this plan but is willing to try it. What do you think? Is the relationship worth it? Any insight as to why MIL behaves this way and how we can deal with it? I don't know what to do.
"Women are Angels and when someone breaks our wings... we simply continue to fly --- on a broomstick... we are flexible."  ~Anonymous

Offline Nana

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Re: Needing help understanding MIL and how to deal
« Reply #1 on: February 10, 2011, 01:24:43 AM »
Dear Rejected

Welcome to this forum which is to me like my second home.   I laught lot here and also have cried when reading sad stories when I am vunerable. 

You will certainly have many responses that will help you a lot. 

Rejected.  I feel you have a very good heart and admire your patience.  I dont get it.  Many of us would have paid or done anything to have the chance you have given your mil.  Some of us without really doing nothing were labeled and were not given a chance (at least for some time lol).  You have tolerated more than enough.  You have very good grounds to reject her totally because she is really a very toxic person in your life.  But..... probably because you are good people you can give her one more chance....but this would be by talking to her and putting all the cards on the table.    A matter of take it or leave it.  Respect is something she needs to give both of you.   I believe you have done your best to have her in your life but she wants her cake and eat it too.  You have to negotiate things or walk....

I wish you the best of luck

Again welcome here and keep us posted.

Love

Love is not love Which alters when it alteration finds, Or bends with the remover to remove:
Shakespeare

holliberri

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Re: Needing help understanding MIL and how to deal
« Reply #2 on: February 10, 2011, 05:14:57 AM »
Rejected,

I admire your patience. I definitely agree that she is lonely. She was probably dependent on her DS until you got married, and all that changed for her. Although, I think that is what should have happened, it sounds like she has trouble dealing with that.

I don't have much more to offer than that. I commend your desire to make it work, but I think her issue is that she needs a life outside of family, as she is a widow, and her children are grown and married. I don't know that you can do much to fix that for her.

As for involvement, I think it's wonderful you would consider taking her out once a month. I don't think it's a bad idea at all. But, you said it was so she couldn't act out. My MIL's two worst reactions have occured in very public places and she didn't care who was around. I'm not saying that your MIL is like mine, but in my experience if someone's going to act out, they don't care where they do it. I say take her out to dinner/lunch...as long as everything is fine, great! If she acts up at all, then I wouldn't continue to take her out after that.

I think its wonderful you're trying to work this out...good luck! I hope she does know how to behave in public!

cremebrulee

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Re: Needing help understanding MIL and how to deal
« Reply #3 on: February 10, 2011, 06:11:50 AM »
Dear Rejected
Welcome to the forum and please know, I to would like to complilment you on your patience and do-diligence with this whole thing.

My real mother is much like your MIL....your MIL is a very negative person who loves controversy, if you say white, she'll say black and twist and turn everything into a negative, for many reasons, 1.  Because she doesn't know any other culture, that is how she grew up to believe, 2.  Because she is jealous and cannot accept that her son is no longer there to do her bidding, so she tries to manipulate situations in her favor to get attention
3.  She doesn't view her yelling as odd...again, the way she was raised to believe people act.

You see, we are products of our parents or whoever raised us....and we adopt they're cultures....if parents who are uneducated believe in spitting and eating with they're fingers, that is what they're children will grow up to believe....

We adopt our parents thoughts, virtues, beliefs, bad habits, everything....

Also, your MIL loves to push buttons, she is so hungry for attention, even negative attention to her is acceptable....

Unfortunately you are not going to change her no matter how much you discuss with her things that you would like her to think, believe and follow through with...you can't teach an ol dog new tricks unless they want to learn....and she has no desire to do so.

To give you an idea

My own mother, has exhausted most of her friends, that now, she only has me and the man that was my Step father's distant relative....she is such a negative person and very undereducated....always has been, but she thinks she's a know it all....and you can't tell her anything...all she wants to do is complain, she doesn't want answers or easy ways to fix her problems, and she gets very angry if you give her solutions....

She is narcissistic due to a very bad upbringing...she was brutally beaten by a drunken father and has never known love....because she doesn't know how to display it....nor compassion, nor tollerence....she dislikes everyone and talks about them all the time....when I was little, she used to tell all the neighbors and family how bad I was....but I wasn't....she just wanted attention, and she'll use others to get it.

Once I was giving a cousin horseback riding lessons and she looked at me, after we were working together for about 3 months and said, "your a nice person!"  and I looked at her shocked....she explained to me, that my mother always talks about what a horrible person I am....and since then, I have called her out on that....b/c that surely wasn't the first time someone said that to me....

If it were not for my step father she would have nothing...he was such a very kind person and good man, giving and caring.  Well, she talked about him and all my life I heard how men were no good....and how she could have given me up for adoption...but didn't....little did she know, that I always wished she had.

So, when I see a manipulative confrontational person, I tend to vere away from them big time....they need a huge amount of attention and will do anything to acheive that....I to am not confrontational, however, I have learned as you will....not to be a door mat, as I now will protect my territory...like a mama tiger....(the older you grow the less tollerant you become) 

What I would suggest here, is to not expect anything of her, and keep a distance....she won't change....and the more you ask her not to do something, she's going to interrupt that by saying, you've changed her son, and turned him against you...she is unable to recognize boundaries...and doesn't know when to stop....or keep her mouth shut....did you ever see that kind of person, who no matter what you say, can't back off and be quiet, they always have to have the last say?  And they will twist your words into actually who they are....and it's very easy to spot....so, realize, that your inquires about boundaries will not be heard....I bet she can't even begin to focus on what your needs are, she doesn't care.

I'm very proud of your husband, though, for controlling his temper and not yelling back at her....which speaks volumns about how aware he is....good for you and him both. 

Remember, your not married to her, your married to her son only, and you owe her nothing but to be nice to her and just ignore what she says, that is all you can do....you will cop an attitude one day, that you just don't care anymore...and no matter what, remember, she is a very negative person, an uncapable of giving you or him, any credit....or approval, so don't look for it, and the moment you can stop looking for that approval is when you'll stop caring what she thinks...believe me....

You know in your heart of hearts who you are, and that is all that matters, no one else.

I admire you....and wish you the best, you deserve it....I hope in some small way I've helped?

remember, with some people, the more you want to be accepted by them, the more they will reject you, it's a game they play...they love to win, and what they don't understand, no one wins....really. 

Hugs
Creme

Offline Rejected

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Re: Needing help understanding MIL and how to deal
« Reply #4 on: February 10, 2011, 11:24:54 AM »
Thank you so very much ladies! It helps just to know and hear from other MIL's that my own is toxic. After having my previous MIL and now this one I was beginning to think I was the problem, but I couldn't see how. With my first MIL I was completely submissive and did everything for them from cleaning her house for her (dirty diapers and rotten food everywhere, even cleaning up her children's vomit a few times because no one else would)babysitting, and fixing her family of 12 dinner after hearing she'd had a hard day just to get her to like me but she just walked all over me and my DH. With my second MIL I have never talked back to her, we have tried to visit frequently, work on projects with my DH at her house, but as you can see when the problems got too much I had to talk through it with her so we wouldn't get walked on anymore and it didn't accomplish anything. I couldn't see what on earth I was doing wrong to become so unlucky with MIL's.

Thank you so much for your support as it puts me at ease. I've only told bits of her personality and you all have hit the nail on the head filling in the rest. She is very narcissistic and she is very confrontational. She uses guilt and manipulation to get things and charges us "taxes" if she were ever to do us a favor. The taxes are us doing more chores/projects for her. We no longer ask her for anything at all. She is an extremely negative person that is always a victim.

The sad thing is, is that DH says he doesn't remember her being like this when his dad was alive. That she has changed into this bitter person after her husband passed. I admit I was very bitter & numb after losing my 1st DH and it's normal, but for it to go on for 11 years is sad. I believe that because she received an outpouring of help and support from her neighbors and children that she has gotten so use to having everything done for her by playing the victim of course. While I agree that at first she was a victim and needed support and to borrow strength from others (been there done that) but after so many years she needed to grow more dependent on herself and she never did, she just became lazy and developed a sense of entitlement.

Anyway, I think we might try the eating out thing and see how that goes. I don't think she'll act out in public. Fingers crossed that all goes well!! Thanks again so much for giving me courage & strength.
"Women are Angels and when someone breaks our wings... we simply continue to fly --- on a broomstick... we are flexible."  ~Anonymous

Offline Pooh

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Re: Needing help understanding MIL and how to deal
« Reply #5 on: February 10, 2011, 11:51:22 AM »
Rejected, welcome and keep reading, it will truly help when you see that other people try very hard too and just can't get through to someone else.  It is because they are who they are, and you can't change them unless they want to change.  I applaud you for still trying to come up with something that works.  It's a shame that she does not appreciate your DH or you, and everything you have done.

Since everyone else touched on the MIL, I would like to say something about another thing you brought up in your post.  It annoys me to no end when siblings that live away from a situation and don't do anything for a parent, want to criticize or step-in on a situation.  Sorry, but I have a brother that does this and lives 3 states away.  He is not here and dealing with the day-to-day things, and shows up twice a year to visit, that's it.  But when my Mom was in the hospital, he called every day telling me what I should be asking the Doctors and what I should be doing for her.  I finally told him to get in his car and drive his happy butt here and tell the Doctor's himself and do those things for Mom.  I love my Brother, and so does my Mom, but I am just going to say frankly, if you are not here helping or there helping, then butt out. 

I know your DH wants to have a relationship with his siblings, but they are not the ones there dealing with her and should not be calling because his Mom called and "tattled" on him.
« Last Edit: February 10, 2011, 11:53:12 AM by Pooh »
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

holliberri

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Re: Needing help understanding MIL and how to deal
« Reply #6 on: February 10, 2011, 11:58:20 AM »
Since everyone else touched on the MIL, I would like to say something about another thing you brought up in your post.  It annoys me to no end when siblings that live away from a situation and don't do anything for a parent, want to criticize or step-in on a situation.  Sorry, but I have a brother that does this and lives 3 states away.  He is not here and dealing with the day-to-day things, and shows up twice a year to visit, that's it.  But when my Mom was in the hospital, he called every day telling me what I should be asking the Doctors and what I should be doing for her.  I finally told him to get in his car and drive his happy butt here and tell the Doctor's himself and do those things for Mom.  I love my Brother, and so does my Mom, but I am just going to say frankly, if you are not here helping or there helping, then butt out. 

I've heard siblings rip another sibling apart because they thought that a phone call wasnt' good enough, and that the person living nearby should be stopping by everyday, not just calling their mother.

I think to my self, "Why don't you move and make sure she's checked on everyday..."

Terrible. A sibling going it alone taking care of their parents is stressed out enough without everyone else's two cents.

LaurieS

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Re: Needing help understanding MIL and how to deal
« Reply #7 on: February 10, 2011, 12:01:18 PM »
You see, we are products of our parents or whoever raised us....and we adopt they're cultures....if parents who are uneducated believe in spitting and eating with they're fingers, that is what they're children will grow up to believe....

We adopt our parents thoughts, virtues, beliefs, bad habits, everything....


Do you really  believe this?  Is that how most people here on this forum think and the thoughts they accept?

justme

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Re: Needing help understanding MIL and how to deal
« Reply #8 on: February 10, 2011, 12:49:59 PM »
Dear Rejected,

I wish I had the perfect solution for you!  However, it sounds like you and your husband are dealing very well with the situation.  It is fantastic that the two of you are able to talk about this and strategize together.  That kind of unity will be a gift to you both as you struggle through the pain created by your MIL.

Please know that ultimately this is her problem, not yours.  Your efforts to both reach out and create reasonable boundaries are heroic, and if, in the end, they do not accomplish what you hope, you do not bear the guilt.  You have gone above and beyond the call of duty.

All the best to you!


holliberri

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Re: Needing help understanding MIL and how to deal
« Reply #9 on: February 10, 2011, 12:59:49 PM »
You see, we are products of our parents or whoever raised us....and we adopt they're cultures....if parents who are uneducated believe in spitting and eating with they're fingers, that is what they're children will grow up to believe....

We adopt our parents thoughts, virtues, beliefs, bad habits, everything....
Do you really  believe this?  Is that how most people here on this forum think and the thoughts they accept?

I don't believe that. Not for a second. Sometimes bad behavior is plain bad behavior, no matter how our parents raised us. If that were true, I'd be smoking Marlboro Reds like my dad (non-smoker here), watching 24 hour news networks like my mom and I never would've renounced the religion they raised me in. Neither of them ever picked up a book in their lives and yet I have over 500 in my living room waiting to be shelved.

Plus, I know of a few mothers on here that are aghast at their child's behavior. I'd be hardpressed to think it was my fault that my child was acting out or behaving in a way that I never would've accepted while they were living with me. I wouldn't want the extra burden of that in addition to the pain of watching them make bad choices.

justus

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Re: Needing help understanding MIL and how to deal
« Reply #10 on: February 10, 2011, 01:08:22 PM »
Rejected, I am going to advise you to keep your cards close to your chest. Every time you draw a line in the sand, your MIL can't help but step over it. She is just that kind of person. She loves the drama and she obviously has not respect for you. Besides, as you said, she considers you both to be children, so who are you to tell her what she can or cannot do? She'll show you!!!

So, don't tell her where the boundaries are, but give her natural consequences when she does cross a line. When she screams at your DH, he leaves no matter if he is in the middle of fixing her plumbing and the water is turned off. He tells her that he won't tolerated being treated like that and she can just call a plumber to finish the job. Call when she can behave like an adult. Same thing if she starts to criticizes you or your FOO. If he is on the phone, he hangs up and does not answer her phone calls for a while. Essentially, he puts her in time out. You have to give her reason to change.

About the gossiping, stop the information train. Don't tell one thing about your life. Give her vague answers like, "We haven't decided," or "Those plans are still in flux," or "I was told that in confidence and won't repeat it," or, "I don't want to talk about that," then change the subject. If she keeps coming back to it, repeat the same things or you say something in a teasing voice like, "Boy, you are being nosy today." If she gets upset say, "Someone is a bit sensitive." Then change the subject again. Remember that just because she asks a question, you don't have to answer. She is being nosy, insensitive and rude if she pursues a subject you don't want to talk about.  End the visit or phone call if she is being too intrusive.

My own M asked me when DH and I were first dating if we were having sex. I was in my 30s at the time. She thought she had a right to the information because she asked and because she told me everything, so I should tell her everything. I told her that I wished she didn't tell me everything. No one should know about their parent's sex life what I knew, and she would never ever know about my sex life as it wasn't any of her business. Oh, she was mad, but she got over it. I won't be bullied into sharing private information.

BTW, she chooses to be lonely. It isn't your responsibility to make sure she has company. If she didn't want to be lonely, she could do something about it.

I don't know what to tell you about the siblings. My own siblings stopped talking to me because of my own Mother's poison. She essentially made them chose. Your H does not owe them an explanation. He has tried, they don't believe him, so stop trying. I finally told my DB that if M had a problem with me, she should act like an adult and deal with me directly instead of pulling him into it. He had nothing to say to that. I also told him that he just makes the problem worse by becoming involved. It worked for a little while, but M stepped things up because she wasn't getting her quota of attention from DB and DB had been trained from birth to give M what she wanted.

Yes, my M is a piece of work. She taught me how not to be an MIL and mother of adult children. Oh, I have messed up, but my children and SIL are much too valuable to me to drive them away like my M did me, DH and my DDs.

Offline Pooh

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Re: Needing help understanding MIL and how to deal
« Reply #11 on: February 10, 2011, 01:15:51 PM »
You see, we are products of our parents or whoever raised us....and we adopt they're cultures....if parents who are uneducated believe in spitting and eating with they're fingers, that is what they're children will grow up to believe....

We adopt our parents thoughts, virtues, beliefs, bad habits, everything....


Do you really  believe this?  Is that how most people here on this forum think and the thoughts they accept?

No I don't believe that in totality.  I do believe we do follow in some things of our parents.  I do take after my Mother/GM on many things as far as they raised me to be responsible, have work ethics, values, integrity, respect for others, that family was important, etc..  But as an older teenager and young adult, I made a choice to keep following those beliefs. 

To me, that is like blaming everything your child does on peer pressure.  Does it exist and make it hard sometimes to do the right thing?  Absolutely, but you still always have a choice.  I told my sons that as they were growing up.  If your friends want you to do something that you know is wrong, you have a choice, but don't blame them later for your bad decision.

Holli, I am the exact opposite of you.  Neither of my parents smoked.  I do.  My parents do not believe in drinking.  I like an occasional drink.  They are in no way responsible for my choices.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

holliberri

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Re: Needing help understanding MIL and how to deal
« Reply #12 on: February 10, 2011, 01:32:21 PM »
Who said I didn't like a drink or two (or three)? Haha. Dad did give me that!

I don't think I'll ever have Mom's ability to effortlessly keep her house spotless or to make the best stuffed shells in town.

If only...

LaurieS

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Re: Needing help understanding MIL and how to deal
« Reply #13 on: February 10, 2011, 01:33:31 PM »
What I got from my parents is my race and my genes.. The rest is pretty much developed over time with a lot more influences then just my parents.

**ha ha... I guess my race is part of my genes.. but you're following**
« Last Edit: February 10, 2011, 01:35:03 PM by Laurie »

Offline lancaster lady

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Re: Needing help understanding MIL and how to deal
« Reply #14 on: February 10, 2011, 01:54:19 PM »
You see, we are products of our parents or whoever raised us....and we adopt they're cultures....if parents who are uneducated believe in spitting and eating with they're fingers, that is what they're children will grow up to believe....

We adopt our parents thoughts, virtues, beliefs, bad habits, everything....


Do you really  believe this?  Is that how most people here on this forum think and the thoughts they accept?


We perhaps adopt moral values ,family values ,respect etc from our parents .
I think thats were it ends ....
We hope to learn from their mistakes too ....
The next generation will always want better than the last ,achieve more ,live longer .
It's called progress ...otherwise we would still be in the stone age .