Author Topic: Since I respect all of your opinions so much...  (Read 2229 times)

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overwhelmed123

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Since I respect all of your opinions so much...
« on: February 07, 2011, 01:30:27 PM »
I just have to ask you guys for your input on this one.  I don't understand and I feel so betrayed and hurt for my husband about it.  H was married before to an abusive woman.  Honestly, between all us girls she was basically like the women in his FOO, except worse- she also called him mean names like stupid, idiot, etc.  But she was also very manipulative, very jealous, very bitter, very controlling and possessive.  I heard all this FROM his FOO, not him.  You wouldn't believe the stories I heard from them.  He wasn't allowed to hang any of his Christmas ornaments, he wasn't allowed to watch movies where girls take off their shirts, had to change the channel during lingerie commercials...and way more worse things.  They talked about how awful she was and how glad they were that he was able to break free of that.

After their divorce was final, there were no strings keeping them in contact.  He got the house completely, they had no kids, nothing tying them together anymore.  Plus, when he started dating me shortly afterward and she found out, it got really ugly.  She tried to say he was cheating and threatened him with legal letters and stalked us, and equally crazy stuff.  Well, the fam was still carrying on with her, having her do them favors, and being generally very family-ish with her.  So, since he found someone new and she apparently was so toxic to him, neither of us got why it wasn't just "understood" that she was in a chapter that had already been finished and he was ready for everyone to move on with him, since it was his family and not hers.  But okay, they were given the benefit of the doubt here- obviously they didn't know how my H felt about it so there were no expectations until he told them point blank- "I am not really comfortable with you guys keeping in contact with her.  She's basically trying to make my life miserable and using you guys as a window into my life and I would really appreciate it if everyone could just cut the ties with her, considering everyone says they didn't like her anyway."  Everyone says, "yeah, okay.  You have my word, that makes perfect sense, oh we didn't realize the situation was that bad but now we know, etc etc."  Total lip service.  Then he found out several times that they went behind his back and kept up a very close relationship with her.  Once it was with his grandparents, the other time it was with his mom.  Then several other family members and other instances.  He was very, very deeply hurt by this.  This woman tried her best to hurt him and take everything away from him.  She has publicly insulted him (and me) on the internet.  His family knows that.  He feels completely betrayed that it's not enough that they know it hurts him that they still carry on with her.

So my question is: would you do this if it were your DS and his XW acted the way that this woman did?  This wasn't a civil parting or a "let's play nice for the kids."  If your son told you he felt betrayed and uncomfortable that you still had anything to do with this woman, and you knew all these things she had tried to do to your son, and the fact that their marriage was over and done with, would you still go behind his back to continue a relationship with her?  If so, why?  What makes it worth it?  I just don't understand and I would really like to.

LaurieS

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Re: Since I respect all of your opinions so much...
« Reply #1 on: February 07, 2011, 02:03:48 PM »
I would not have continued a relationship with her if I really never liked her to begin with.. I'd be counting my blessings and my son's. 

My own bil has married 3 times.. each time he demands that all photos of his ex wife be removed and never viewed again... my mil has done what he asked.. I said yeah but here she is with your grandkids.. she is still their mother ect..  All it did was to make me understand that as much as I love my in-laws and while I don't really see mil as an in-law.. I will always remain a in-law in their eyes, if I can be removed due to a son's demand.

If the relationship with her had been good the I would say leave it alone.. just because dh changed partners you don't turn a blind eye  on someone that you have come to love yourself..   but in the scenario you are presenting.. they could just be stirring the pot. 

Offline lancaster lady

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Re: Since I respect all of your opinions so much...
« Reply #2 on: February 07, 2011, 02:29:17 PM »
If anyone had hurt my DS as you say this woman had ,I certainly wouldn't want to have anything to do with her .
Maybe it's her not them that is keeping the relationship going , perhaps she is making a nuisance of herself . Or perhaps they can't find the words to tell her to go .
It's difficult to cut someone off without a reason , if she hasn't offended them .

overwhelmed123

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Re: Since I respect all of your opinions so much...
« Reply #3 on: February 07, 2011, 02:40:15 PM »
If anyone had hurt my DS as you say this woman had ,I certainly wouldn't want to have anything to do with her .
Maybe it's her not them that is keeping the relationship going , perhaps she is making a nuisance of herself . Or perhaps they can't find the words to tell her to go .
It's difficult to cut someone off without a reason , if she hasn't offended them .

I just can't help but wonder though, if my DH is the "greatest love of her life" as she has pointed out to him on many occasions, wouldn't this XW hurting the "greatest love of her life" and insulting him the way that she has be enough to offend her?  He isn't even my blood and if I hear of anyone treating him poorly- ie- his bosses, I get so mad and protective.  I would imagine being a mother I would write someone off if they said the things she said about my own flesh and blood, yet his family seems to actually be even more enamored with her the more she says and does to hurt him.  It's so bizarre.

Also, Laurie, I agree if it had been a civil, mutually respectful parting or if everyone had just loved her, it would be different.  But as a mother, how can you want to continue a mother-daughter relationship with someone who treated your son like dog crap?  Especially as much as his family used to preach "loyalty to family."   I guess I'll just never understand.
« Last Edit: February 07, 2011, 02:49:20 PM by overwhelmed123 »

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Since I respect all of your opinions so much...
« Reply #4 on: February 07, 2011, 04:09:03 PM »
I  think FOO's actions speak volumes regarding their disrespect for DH. They have the right to hang out with whomever they want and don't need to do it behind anyone's back...but they have made their choice, to my way of thinking.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

seasage

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Re: Since I respect all of your opinions so much...
« Reply #5 on: February 07, 2011, 04:24:11 PM »
I believe this woman is dangerous.  I believe she is trying every way she can find to worm her way into your DH's FOO.  I suspect she is the one who initiates contact, and that she does it in such a way that DH's FOO cannot or does not refuse.  Yes, they are wrong, but I think they are also simply trying to be nice people. 

Please be careful about this woman. 

holliberri

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Re: Since I respect all of your opinions so much...
« Reply #6 on: February 07, 2011, 06:34:17 PM »
I've been chewing on this...I'm confused as to why they would talk to her at all when it is them that said she is deceitful, manipulative, controlling and possessive.

I mean if DH said it and they disagreed, it'd be one thing, but that's not what happened. I wouldn't want to have contact with someone like that, if they had no real connection to my life anymore.

Do they thrive on drama?

overwhelmed123

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Re: Since I respect all of your opinions so much...
« Reply #7 on: February 07, 2011, 06:55:31 PM »
Holli- if I told you "yes," it would be an understatement.  Drama is a huge part of their lives.

Faithlooksup

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Re: Since I respect all of your opinions so much...
« Reply #8 on: February 08, 2011, 06:22:48 AM »
Overwhelmed, wow I am really sorry to read about all of this....This is horrible...this woman is horrible and I would not trust her with a 10 foot poll.  I cannot imagine why DH FOO is still speaking with her---if some women treated my sons that way they would not hear the last of me with my razor sharp tongue.

She is definiately manipulating your DH side...In my humble opinion~~I would continue talking with DH's famiy about her~~warning them and telling them once again all that she has done to DH and dont stop---apparently they seem to be feeling sorry for her--what a mistake on their part.  Could she be threatening them in any way that you know of????  This woman is really sick so only God knows what she is telling them.....You have all got to sit down and talk about all of this again (that is DH and his family.

I can remember my Dad doing something of this nature when my X and I were seperated...The X would call my Dad almost everyday and chit chat and when I found out I was LIVID to say the least...I asked him--"Why are you talking to him?"  i felt betrayed~~my Dad never gave me an answer and then one day he did~~he said: "I was hoping maybe I could smooth things over and that is why I talked to him."  Well, I told him, NO you cant smooth things over--the marriage is over and thats final."  My Dad had a good Heart and always liked to help people~~but as far as I was concerned he was talking to the enemy...  Plus the only reason why the X was calling my Dad was also to get information about me and the Boys and also due to his guilty conscious...  He finially stopped--but I had to really throw one hell of a FIT...I even went to the Police Department one day and spoke to a officer about him calling and harrassing my father~~they in turn went to pay my X a visit and told him to stop calling...THO, this was back in the 80's times have changed...but, you may want to look into that option as well--who knows...

Sending Hugs across the miles...Faith

cremebrulee

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Re: Since I respect all of your opinions so much...
« Reply #9 on: February 08, 2011, 07:17:58 AM »
I just have to ask you guys for your input on this one.  I don't understand and I feel so betrayed and hurt for my husband about it.  H was married before to an abusive woman.  Honestly, between all us girls she was basically like the women in his FOO, except worse- she also called him mean names like stupid, idiot, etc.  But she was also very manipulative, very jealous, very bitter, very controlling and possessive.  I heard all this FROM his FOO, not him.  You wouldn't believe the stories I heard from them.  He wasn't allowed to hang any of his Christmas ornaments, he wasn't allowed to watch movies where girls take off their shirts, had to change the channel during lingerie commercials...and way more worse things.  They talked about how awful she was and how glad they were that he was able to break free of that.

After their divorce was final, there were no strings keeping them in contact.  He got the house completely, they had no kids, nothing tying them together anymore.  Plus, when he started dating me shortly afterward and she found out, it got really ugly.  She tried to say he was cheating and threatened him with legal letters and stalked us, and equally crazy stuff.  Well, the fam was still carrying on with her, having her do them favors, and being generally very family-ish with her.  So, since he found someone new and she apparently was so toxic to him, neither of us got why it wasn't just "understood" that she was in a chapter that had already been finished and he was ready for everyone to move on with him, since it was his family and not hers.  But okay, they were given the benefit of the doubt here- obviously they didn't know how my H felt about it so there were no expectations until he told them point blank- "I am not really comfortable with you guys keeping in contact with her.  She's basically trying to make my life miserable and using you guys as a window into my life and I would really appreciate it if everyone could just cut the ties with her, considering everyone says they didn't like her anyway."  Everyone says, "yeah, okay.  You have my word, that makes perfect sense, oh we didn't realize the situation was that bad but now we know, etc etc."  Total lip service.  Then he found out several times that they went behind his back and kept up a very close relationship with her.  Once it was with his grandparents, the other time it was with his mom.  Then several other family members and other instances.  He was very, very deeply hurt by this.  This woman tried her best to hurt him and take everything away from him.  She has publicly insulted him (and me) on the internet.  His family knows that.  He feels completely betrayed that it's not enough that they know it hurts him that they still carry on with her.

So my question is: would you do this if it were your DS and his XW acted the way that this woman did?  This wasn't a civil parting or a "let's play nice for the kids."  If your son told you he felt betrayed and uncomfortable that you still had anything to do with this woman, and you knew all these things she had tried to do to your son, and the fact that their marriage was over and done with, would you still go behind his back to continue a relationship with her?  If so, why?  What makes it worth it?  I just don't understand and I would really like to.

Hi there, sorry your having this problem and for the stress it is causing you all....however, these people in his family that are keeping contact, are adults and they are allowed to choose what to do...unfortunately, some people cannot say no, especially older people...you cannot expect them to live up to your expectations...while I certainly can understand your feelings along with your husbands....you cannot dictate to people how to live they're lives or who they should or should not be in contact with...your asking them to choose sides and that isn't fair.

It doesn't mean they don't love you, what it means is for whatever reason, they can't cut her off, and by y ou describing her,  it seems to me, she knows how to manipulate them into bidding her fancy...and to, they are much older, and sometimes as you grow older, you don't want drama in your life, so you do what best keeps the peace....I saw my mother do that, when a neighbor actually stole stones she had placed in her driveway...she owned the driveway, but he claimed to own part of it as well....and she did nothing when he took those stones she paid for and put them on his property...and she wouldn't allow any of us to say anything either.

So, while I do sympathize, it can also be looked at from another point of view, and what you are doing is dictating to them that they can't have any dealings with her, and when you do that, to people, it raises eyebrows and it just isn't fair of you to expect them to do that....also, when they've had enough of her, they will eventually put they're foot down, but it has to be in they're time, not yours....

does that make any sense?


hugs Creme

overwhelmed123

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Re: Since I respect all of your opinions so much...
« Reply #10 on: February 08, 2011, 07:40:51 AM »
Creme-  thank you for your input.  What you are saying does make perfect sense, I just don't really feel like he's necessarily "dictating" who they can and can't be friends with.  He's explaining to them how uncomfortable and hurt it makes him feel in hopes that they respect that fact enough not to continue it.  When it didn't, as it was their choice to continue on with this woman who caused him so much pain, it was his choice to not associate with them as much because he didn't really trust them or feel like they respected him.  Of course this is kind of a moot point since they aren't speaking at all anymore.  But it never seemed like he was telling them they weren't "allowed" to..it just seemed like they made their decision and he made his, based off that.  Which was not to associate with people who still wanted to have anything to do with her. 

The kicker is that the women in this family are a bunch of dramatic martyrs who have been known to throw fits about ex wives of their own husbands.  His mom got mad that "hi" was spoken to his dad's ex wife at a wedding.  I mean she would have hit the ceiling if we were to befriend that woman.  Same with his grandma.  His Aunt has even said herself that if we were to go and befriend her ex husband's new wife (who was awful to aunt), she would feel very hurt and betrayed.  And I completely agree with you about when people are older, they are less likely to involve themselves in drama but these people are completely the opposite- they can't live without drama!  His mom is still in her 40's because she had him really young, I don't really consider that "older."

I guess my point is, if they get to choose who they associate with and we have to "respect" that, wouldn't it have been fair for my DH to get to choose who he associates with as well (not them) and they should have to "respect" that as well? 

Offline Pooh

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Re: Since I respect all of your opinions so much...
« Reply #11 on: February 08, 2011, 08:02:15 AM »
I think you have answered your own question.  People that thrive on drama will always migrate to people that give them opportunity and ammo.  And No, I would not do this.  It is disrespectful and hurtful to do that to DS and you, since he spoken to them about it, and of their own admittance, know she is this way. 
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

holliberri

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Re: Since I respect all of your opinions so much...
« Reply #12 on: February 08, 2011, 08:12:30 AM »
OW,

If they like drama, they stay with drama. There's not a whole lot to think about there, I'm afraid. At least you and DH have made it clear you want no parts of it.

Mariatobe

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Re: Since I respect all of your opinions so much...
« Reply #13 on: February 08, 2011, 08:29:06 AM »
I've been thinking about your post  Since his family can't respect his wishes and he chooses to stay away from them, then they are the ones who lose out.  They can have a relationship with a serial murderer if they choose, but that doesn't mean you have to respect it.  I hope they see the consequences of their actions.  I would also say that is a separate issue from the slander.  Is she still harrassing you and your husband?  Is she still slandering you on the internet?  Because that's what that is.  If she is a threat, please save everything from her and get a restraining order.  Also, you can sue her in small claims court for slander.  Maybe if she has to pay $5000 because of it, she might think twice.  You could also just have an attorney write her a letter stating if she continues she will be sued.  After all this time, and no kids together, why does she want to continue to be in his life?  Sounds like any way to hurt your husband, and get attention is her M.O.  I think she has some mental issues she needs to address in her life, that she can't go on, and has to somehow get back at her ex-husband.  Keep her away at all costs from you and your husband.  He has told his extended family how he feels, and that it continues to hurt him.  They've chosen to ignore it.  Why do they want to keep hurting him as well?  That's what they're doing.  But that doesn't mean you have to accept their behavior when it hurts your husband.  You don't and have the power to stay away.  Good luck.

Faithlooksup

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Re: Since I respect all of your opinions so much...
« Reply #14 on: February 08, 2011, 09:07:37 AM »
Hi Overwhelmed,  well now that sheds another light now that I know DH's Mom is in her 40's.  No, that is not old at all--so I would have to gander that Mom knows what she is doing, when she is talking to the X wife.  I guess i would just stay away from everyone--cut the cord so to speak--until DH's family can respect your wishes.....

Its not easy, believe me I know.....we are all on your side...Faith