Author Topic: What I did wrong with my DIL  (Read 13005 times)

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Offline Pooh

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What I did wrong with my DIL
« on: February 03, 2011, 01:58:39 PM »
Ok, so we have all spoken about how we know we did or do some things wrong with our DILS.  But it's scattered throughout topics and also mixed in with our stories.  So confession time.  I am going to flat out list the things I know I did wrong and hope others will too.  It might help the other MILs, and also be good for the DILs here to see we do recognize our faults.  It doesn't mean what we said or did was untrue, or that we may not have had good intentions, just that we didn't handle it correctly.

1.  I spoke badly about her to my DS while he was a teenager and they were dating about several things she was doing.  I said she had a bad attitude and was very selfish.  He told her but I should have kept it to myself.

2.  I tried talking to her Mother to get some insight on how to get along with future DIL.  She told her, but I should have never involved her Mother.

3.  I was mad at my DS for switching Colleges his Senior year, giving up a full-paid scholarship, to stay home with her and made comments about how he needed to go to a College for the education and opportunities, and not pick a different one because she attended it.  He told her.

4.  After he had attended College two years, he said he wanted to get married.  I told him they should wait until they were both done, because it would be easier to start their life with school behind them and no bills.  He told her and I should have kept my opinions to myself.

5.  I complained to my DH all the time about her and her attitude.  After we divorced, he told her everything I said.

Ok, that's the list of my wrong-doings and things I did wrong.
« Last Edit: February 03, 2011, 02:00:22 PM by Pooh »
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline Pooh

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Re: What I did wrong with my DIL
« Reply #1 on: February 03, 2011, 02:02:10 PM »
Wait, I should have worded that as my "main things" I know I did.  I am sure there are other small things I have done, that I am not aware of.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

LaurieS

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Re: What I did wrong with my DIL
« Reply #2 on: February 03, 2011, 02:19:14 PM »
I had a son who wasn't gay

Offline Pooh

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Re: What I did wrong with my DIL
« Reply #3 on: February 03, 2011, 02:29:36 PM »
Laurie!  Play nice!  :P
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline lancaster lady

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Re: What I did wrong with my DIL
« Reply #4 on: February 03, 2011, 02:32:40 PM »
Maybe if your DS hadn't told her everything you said ,it would have been a different story .. :(

Offline Pooh

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Re: What I did wrong with my DIL
« Reply #5 on: February 03, 2011, 02:35:06 PM »
Oh definately.  I think that he shares in the blame.  But at the same time, I realize now that this is the person he chose, so it is who he was talking to.  But regardless, I should have kept my mouth shut.  At the time, I was having the words with him, with regards to his education, well-being, etc., but I still said them.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

LaurieS

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Re: What I did wrong with my DIL
« Reply #6 on: February 03, 2011, 02:37:12 PM »
ok ok.. you know I was just kidding... I have to go and roast some poblano peppers for dinner then I'll list where I went wrong..

But Pooh.. most of what you listed was not necessary wrong with the exception of the fact that other people 'tattled' and who knows where they placed the emphasis.  When did it become the wrong thing to do when we are asked for our honest opinion, for us to give an honest opinion.  I don't think it was honest of your son (or my own) when they run back and only god knows how their gf/dil/whatever took it.  If she was to be included in the conversation then ds should have had her there at first.  To me this does not make you wrong.. just inadvertently set up for failure.

stilltryen

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Re: What I did wrong with my DIL
« Reply #7 on: February 03, 2011, 02:44:47 PM »
1.  I spoke badly about her to my DS while he was a teenager.

     Well, duh.  Bet you spoke badly to your DS about him too.  Teenagers tend to bring that kind of criticism on themselves, those are usually the years they make bad decisions, react emotionally, etc.  Admit to both DS and DIL that those were difficult years for all of you and yeah, hey, you made comments - and I'll bet they make some emotionally based comments of their own when their kids are teenagers.

2.  I tried talking to her Mother to get some insight on how to get along with future DIL.  She told her, but I should have never involved her Mother.

     Okay, I'm with you on this.  I would never involve her Mom.  I know, based on my DIL's mother, that DIL can do no wrong.  Everything DIL does is perfect in her mother's eyes, although DS tells me all about their big fights because DIL is really mean to her mom at times.

3.  I was mad at my DS for switching Colleges his Senior year, giving up a full-paid scholarship, to stay home with her and made comments about how he needed to go to a College for the education and opportunities, and not pick a different one because she attended it.  He told her.

     Unless her college gave him the same scholarship, you had every right to complain.  If they were teenagers together in high school, they should have planned accordingly back then, DS was not thinking right.  Not sure why you can't let DS know when you think he's making a mistake.  Isn't that your job as a parent, to counsel your kids?

4.  After he had attended College two years, he said he wanted to get married.  I told him they should wait until they were both done, because it would be easier to start their life with school behind them and no bills.  He told her and I should have kept my opinions to myself.

     Same answer as #3, and why can't parents have opinions?

5.  I complained to my DH all the time about her and her attitude.  After we divorced, he told her everything I said.

     Your husband was in the wrong.  When you're married, you're supposed to share concerns, thoughts, feelings, etc.  Getting divorced doesn't grant the spouse the right to do childish stunts like this.  He was the bleep, not you for trusting him.

Offline Pooh

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Re: What I did wrong with my DIL
« Reply #8 on: February 03, 2011, 02:53:23 PM »
You are right, and I did some other things that were because of what he was doing, that did include her.  I honestly wasn't mad at her, but at him for being lazy, but then she pulled attitude and again, my mouth.  For example, he had a college application due at school by 8:00 a.m..  We were on our way out the door to a basketball game he was in the night before, and he remembered he had not told me his printer had run out of ink to print his essay that went with it.  We didn't have time to go by the store before the game (it was an hour and a half away), and the store would be closed by the time we were done.  Of course, I have this conversation with him while picking up the other guys about waiting til the last minute to do everything.   Then I told him we could go get it when we got back and take it to my job and print it real quick.  Anyway, get to the game and FDIL shows up sitting down the bleachers.  After the game, I go to meet him and he comes over and says, "Mom, can I ride back with XXXXX?"  So I told him "No, we have to go get your essay and take it by my work to print it, remember?"  That's all I get out and FDIL says, "Hmmmphhh" rolls her eyes and stomps her feet at me, right in front of about 10 other parents, and stomps off.  I was furious.  I drug him across the gym by the arm and out the door.  When we got outside, she was standing there as I told him, very loudly, "I am telling you right now.  You did this by being lazy and waiting until the last minute.  I am going out of my way to do this for you, but if you allow your GF to disrespect your Mother like that ever again, then you are not the Son I raised and if it happens again, I will embarrass her and you in front of everyone!"  And I walked to my vehicle. 

So, there was a couple of episodes of this kind of treatment, where I blew up, at him.  Her and I have never actually had words, but she heard me.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline Pooh

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Re: What I did wrong with my DIL
« Reply #9 on: February 03, 2011, 03:01:05 PM »
Lol...thanks stilltryen.  She is older than him, and had been out of school and in her 2nd year of College when they started dating.  Had known her Mother for years, but shouldn't have even thought to do that.  No, he didn't replace the scholarship, but did get about 75% of it paid for at the new one.  My Ex was a big bleep and still is!

I did speak as a concerned parent, but I have to own up to the fact that I did it.  No excuses.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

LaurieS

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Re: What I did wrong with my DIL
« Reply #10 on: February 03, 2011, 03:15:54 PM »
I don't think you were wrong .. I just had this education discussion with my dd's bf who is about to propose to her.. I've had it with my dd and as a parent who is still financially responsible for my daughter I think my opinion should have some weight and value.

When my ds told me that he was going to propose to fdil, the first thing I asked about was her education.. while it's not impossible to finish or work on your master's later, life is sure more demanding and if a child is involved, if that child has any health issues he/she will trump your class most times.  If they read this in a book they wouldn't be offended so why is it offensive if it comes from a parent.

Last night while talking to my son.. it came up that my dil was irritated with me because I had put her dog in his crate.. I knew it bothered her because she had texted her mom about it immediately.. I didn't like being tattled on and my attitude was tough poo on you.  But once again you'll never be in the right.. I asked.. what would you do if your dog hiked his leg on the table in your house.. son-I'd spank him and throw his butt outside... I said well I don't have a fenced in yard, and I didn't hit your dog.. I leashed him took him out then brought him in and put him in his crate.. I asked.. where does your dog stay the entire day when you two are at work..son-in his crate he can't be trusted.  So because I was nicer to the dog then you would have been, didn't beat him, throw him out etc I was the bad guy for putting him in the same crate that he uses every since day at home?

While there may be times that I've overstepped the invisible line.. sometimes with full knowledge of what I was doing.. everything I do is going to be viewed through the eyes of the she victim..

overwhelmed123

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Re: What I did wrong with my DIL
« Reply #11 on: February 03, 2011, 03:28:44 PM »
Pooh- thanks for sharing.  You could have been a lot worse, but yes, if I were the GF I admittedly probably would not have taken too well to you at the time.  I understand the other posters who are saying "well it's partly DS's fault for telling her," but if it were me and someone were talking about my H that way, even my mom, I would tell him.  Because my loyalty is to my partner, not to my mom at that point.  Now, I think there has to be a line drawn somewhere.  Like, a couple in high school whose been dating for a few months really doesn't deserve to have that "loyalty" clause.  But I think adults in somewhat serious relationships have a loyalty to their partner above anyone else.  So maybe when they were in school and you said things about her- okay maybe he shouldn't have told her, but as you did say, you're the one who said it.  But once they get serious, you have to know that their loyalty is going to lie with their partner and accept whatever consequences come from putting them on the spot like that.

However, I don't think you should fault yourself for your a** ex-DH going off and blabbing to her about all the stuff you said.  That is crap, and you had reason to believe you could trust him with these thoughts because basically what I said above.  The marital privilege loyalty clause.  I tell my H everything.  I vent to him about everything.  He is supposed to be the most trusted person I could go to- I would never imagine he'd go spilling my secrets to others.  Your DH should have kept your secrets even after the breakup.  How were you to know that he'd go off and try to ruin your relationship with DIL?  And frankly, if I were DIL, I'd be just as put off by your X for clearly trying to stir up trouble and he would be moved to the category of "cannot be trusted."

holliberri

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Re: What I did wrong with my DIL
« Reply #12 on: February 03, 2011, 03:32:02 PM »
The only time a secret is kept between two people is when one of them is dead. Or something along those lines, according to Ben Franklin. I don't feel like looking it up now.

I'm saving a spot in this convo to post what I did wrong. But, my blackberry doesn't keep up with me too well.

Offline pam1

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Re: What I did wrong with my DIL
« Reply #13 on: February 03, 2011, 03:38:57 PM »
Those don't sound really awful to me, Pooh.  I dunno, teenagers are beasts.  I'm really hoping none of my kids get married or serious when they are that young. 

But yeah, MIL tells DH all kinds of things expecting he won't tell me or be affected by it on his own.  She does tend to treat us strangely in that regard, we are married lol.  Not little kids on a play date.  We are best friends and life partners.  Why would she think her words hold a candle to our marriage?  She really behaves as if there's some sort of immunity or bubble she should be afforded as his mother.  Nope.
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

overwhelmed123

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Re: What I did wrong with my DIL
« Reply #14 on: February 03, 2011, 03:40:45 PM »
When did it become the wrong thing to do when we are asked for our honest opinion, for us to give an honest opinion. 

But what if you aren't asked for your opinion at all?  :)  Not being sarcastic- true question.  If you're asked for your opinion, you should of course give it as honestly as you can.  But what about when a mother isn't asked for her opinion when it comes to her adult children?  What's the consensus here?