Author Topic: Need Opinion from MILs and DILs  (Read 6624 times)

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SaadMom

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Need Opinion from MILs and DILs
« on: February 02, 2011, 07:20:31 PM »
Hi Everyone,

I love to read every single post in this forum, but never before got the courage to post!
Would you please help me on this one.....Long story short, married over 15yrs, the first ten yrs
I tried to win my in laws heart; but no luck. Due to DH job we were never close to his home,  and when we visited
they were somehow cordial to say the most. DH always say "they are just like that", but I could see how nice they treated other people.
I had two babies from a previous relation and I believe that is what they did not like about me....after 10 yrs of them only sending Birthday and XMAS cards and presents to DH, and completely ignoring the kids and I; finally I got the courage and say enough is enough and told DH, I am refusing to get hurt any longer. So, pretty much I don't reach out any more.
It really hurts that DH never stands up to his parents, his excuse is that they are different.
Today he got his Family Reunion Invite, only his name on the envelope. On the relatives names roster shows only his name, but his cousins and siblings spouses names are included next to their names.
When I bring stuff like this to DH attention, he say is me; that there is nothing wrong with that!
Please help me, I just want to know if this is "normal". Could it be that I am over sensitive now because of my past experiences with them?

Thank You

Offline Pen

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Re: Need Opinion from MILs and DILs
« Reply #1 on: February 02, 2011, 07:36:46 PM »
SaadMom, I'm glad you finally decided to post, but I'm so sorry for the reason :( 

Your situation breaks my heart. I don't know why your DH isn't more sensitive about this. Without him on your side I'm afraid nothing will change. I'd ask him to keep the invitations and other communications out of your line of sight. You are wise to have stopped reaching out. Please make sure you are taking care of yourself by having other plans on the day of the reunion, preferably something very fabulous and costly :)
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Need Opinion from MILs and DILs
« Reply #2 on: February 02, 2011, 07:42:39 PM »
Welcome! IMHO: There ain't no "normal." The "If I ignore it, it will go away" folks are just like that. If they marry  sensitive people, the sensitivity is ridiculed and/or blown off. Respect isn't part of the package.

I have been there (on the sensitive side) and it's really hard to build a strong self-image and self-confidence in such circumstances if you didn't start out that way. And if you did, it wouldn't bother you. I just packed it in after 18 years. I couldn't "grow where I was planted," so I "planted myself where I could grow". Sending love...
« Last Edit: February 02, 2011, 08:14:57 PM by luise.volta »
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

SaadMom

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Re: Need Opinion from MILs and DILs
« Reply #3 on: February 02, 2011, 08:03:45 PM »
Thank you Ladies.....at this point what it hurts me the most is  DH position/attitude, I'm starting to resent him.

LaurieS

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Re: Need Opinion from MILs and DILs
« Reply #4 on: February 02, 2011, 10:06:15 PM »
Thank you Ladies.....at this point what it hurts me the most is  DH position/attitude, I'm starting to resent him.

Sure you are starting to resent him and rightfully so.. it's one thing to put on blinders it's another to try and convince you that their games are not aimed towards hurting you.  I think he is steadily pushing you towards that resentment.

Is it normal?  Would it be normal for him to have his parents for dinner and you choose to only serve food to yourself and your children?  No the game they are playing will continue because he is allowing it to continue.. and he will allow it because obviously he doesn't either have enough self pride or respect for you as his equal partner.

Not only would I not attend the family reunion but I would ask him not to as well...at some point he's going to have to realize that it's his inaction that will take your relationship over the edge.... 15 years you've put up with this .. you're a better person then I.

Mariatobe

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Re: Need Opinion from MILs and DILs
« Reply #5 on: February 03, 2011, 02:31:52 AM »
I agree with the others.  Don't go, and I would strongly let him know you resent his attitude and sweeping his parents bad behavior under the rug.  Please contact a marriage counselor, it can go a long way, and greatly help your relationship.  If he won't go, go without him, and tell him how you feel.  He doesn't respect his own marriage  He's ready to throw you under the bus for his parents.  Something big has to change.  HE needs to tell his parents about their appalling behavior, because, yes, it WAS deliberate.  If he can't do that, your resentment is only going to grow like a knot in your stomach.  Good luck.

cadagi101

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Re: Need Opinion from MILs and DILs
« Reply #6 on: February 03, 2011, 03:42:48 AM »
Hi Everyone,

I love to read every single post in this forum, but never before got the courage to post!
Would you please help me on this one.....Long story short, married over 15yrs, the first ten yrs
I tried to win my in laws heart; but no luck. Due to DH job we were never close to his home,  and when we visited
they were somehow cordial to say the most. DH always say "they are just like that", but I could see how nice they treated other people.
I had two babies from a previous relation and I believe that is what they did not like about me....after 10 yrs of them only sending Birthday and XMAS cards and presents to DH, and completely ignoring the kids and I; finally I got the courage and say enough is enough and told DH, I am refusing to get hurt any longer. So, pretty much I don't reach out any more.
It really hurts that DH never stands up to his parents, his excuse is that they are different.
Today he got his Family Reunion Invite, only his name on the envelope. On the relatives names roster shows only his name, but his cousins and siblings spouses names are included next to their names.
When I bring stuff like this to DH attention, he say is me; that there is nothing wrong with that!
Please help me, I just want to know if this is "normal". Could it be that I am over sensitive now because of my past experiences with them?

Thank You



Hi Saadmom,
I thought about your post and went to bed.    I decided to get up and reply to you my thoughts.     I think the opposite to the other posters.    I also agree  you are being treated very poorly  you have every right to be their.   Could be a pretty dull night (some family reunions definately are)  but....  I would ask myself 4. questions.

1.   Do you think there are others in the family who may have had a hand in sending the invitations  and excluding you?
2.    Do you think MIL would be embarrased that you came to the reunion?
3.    Do you think MIL    would make a scene and say to anyone you weren't invited
4.    Do you want to go?  really you are part of the family so you have every right to be their.

If you don't think MIL has a troop of supporters behind her...then don;t let 1 or 2 people put you off.    Smile and chat to everyone else.     How embarrassing and shallow of her if she did make a scene..you would win supporters if she was that stupid.    If MIL will be embarrased if you are their all the more reason to go.    (be in her face) what would make her wilder than that?     If you want to go and aren't going to be bored wittless  I would go!!!!

But if dh takes a stand against his mother and supports you and won't go, I would be with him on that decision.  If he say's he is going and is OK that you weren't invited I would be very cranky and tell him you are part of the family and you will be going also.    Your children also need to be included and made welcome in his family. 

 

 




holliberri

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Re: Need Opinion from MILs and DILs
« Reply #7 on: February 03, 2011, 06:04:01 AM »
If my family ever did that to DH....they could expect me to not attend as well.  If he had kids, had been married 5 times, was of a different religion, race, or whatever...it doesn't matter. He isn't abusive to me and I love him, so frankly, if I were in your husband's shoes, no family behaving like that would be a family of mine.  Maybe it is normal, it doesn't necessarily make it right.

Offline Pooh

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Re: Need Opinion from MILs and DILs
« Reply #8 on: February 03, 2011, 06:05:07 AM »
Not me...after all the years of trying and no support from DH, I would be saying, "Ha, I don't have to go as I wasn't invited!"  Then I would plan a great outing that day with my kids and go have fun. If DH wants to go, let him.

Sorry, I know that doesn't help you feel better about it.  I agree with the others here that said until DH opens that blind eye, things are not going to change.  And it's bad enough when we see small things that are undermining our relationships, but even worse when it is blatant and put in writing.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

penelope

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Re: Need Opinion from MILs and DILs
« Reply #9 on: February 03, 2011, 07:14:41 AM »
the ladies are right Saadmom,I've been married for 23yrs,dh couldn't stand up to his mom,as time went on it just got worse,I did learn to ignore it,but thats no way to live,when she passed I was sad,but a small part of me felt this heavy weight lifted off my shoulders~you need to take a stand for yourself and your children~and if you do go,the ladies are right again,just becouse she's like that doesn't mean the entire family is,my dh siblings are wonderful~

Offline lancaster lady

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Re: Need Opinion from MILs and DILs
« Reply #10 on: February 03, 2011, 08:02:45 AM »
Hi Saadmom,
Another sad mom ....and yes it is sad !
What you didn't mention is does your DH actually want you to go ?
After my recent troubles my DS stood by his partner through thick and thin ,and while it hurt me the
fact he didn't support me as much ,I have to admire the fact he wouldn't budge from her side .
I feel you are getting no support from him at all .
Also after 15 years they should realise you are a couple /family and treat you as one .
Time to make a stand ....never too late to let DH/MIL know how you feel .
Thing is if you don't go ,they have won .
DH should contact his family and ask whether the invitation includes you . Then you'll know where you stand .

holliberri

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Re: Need Opinion from MILs and DILs
« Reply #11 on: February 03, 2011, 10:37:43 AM »
Oh LL, that makes a lot of sense. Ask why you're not on the invitation and put them on the spot. I think that might work to!

stilltryen

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Re: Need Opinion from MILs and DILs
« Reply #12 on: February 03, 2011, 12:06:46 PM »
Loved Laurie's post, "Would it be normal for him to have his parents for dinner and you choose to only serve food to yourself and your children?"  I could just see that happening.  Tell hubby that you are family too.  If he goes by himself, he's a jerk.  You'd think after all these years, he would have grown a spine.

I think I might deliberately choose to go with him, because if you've distanced yourself from his family, the IL's might have the entire family hating you because of things they've said.  This would be your chance to get to know the rest of the family and show them what a wonderful person you are.  It might make it harder for your MIL to exclude you from events when everyone else likes you and wants you to come.

holliberri

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Re: Need Opinion from MILs and DILs
« Reply #13 on: February 03, 2011, 12:08:09 PM »
StillTryen has a good point too! Kill 'em with a smile!

penelope

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Re: Need Opinion from MILs and DILs
« Reply #14 on: February 03, 2011, 05:13:05 PM »
10 years is a long time~I bet other family members will invite you to things to,once they get to know you:) if dh has been like this for so long,the odds are he won't change on his own~