Author Topic: snapped olive branch~  (Read 5005 times)

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penelope

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snapped olive branch~
« on: February 01, 2011, 12:29:19 PM »
I could just cry~I deactivated my account on here thinking..okay,dil and I are on a fresh new start,I really don't wanna have something bad out there,you never know..a fresh start,slate wiped clean. I sent this long message taking all the blame,even apologizing for what I don't know..all to keep the peace. I have been posting to dil all info I can find about my sons return from deployment,I had not had a set date given to me,so today I spend all morning e-mailing phone # to dh becouse my cell phones broke,we found the info we needed,I right away send message to dil,an hour later I get a message from her saying oh yeah my friend sent me all the info yest,hers and mine were the same,so I think nothing of it..come to find out she spoke to my son last night and never bothered to mention it,posted on reg fb..feb is gonna be a good month,then on her military site yay,spoke to hubby last night,its official..let the count down begin!! I was like..aaaahhh why would you not let us know,I never heard word until I contacted you,nothing added up...honestly I could scream,,,still manipulative..so now I need advice,taking the high road will not work for me..I get the whole wanting to see him,but to hold info like that from us becouse you act 12 is just mean...there is a big get together for the troops and their families when they get home...I guess we are monsters for wanting to see our son to,it's not like there won't be other ppl there,close to 200.

LaurieS

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Re: snapped olive branch~
« Reply #1 on: February 01, 2011, 12:35:07 PM »
I don't tend to hear squat from my dil concerning my son during his deployment.. If it wasn't for skype I'd be clueless.  Penelope you are going to have to accept the fact that at this point of her life she does not respect you enough to include you in any information... maybe one day.

holliberri

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Re: snapped olive branch~
« Reply #2 on: February 01, 2011, 12:50:39 PM »
Penelope,

Take a deep breath, and DO NOT deactivate your account. Just b/c it's perfect one day doesn't mean it's going to be perfect the next. I thought about taking mine down too...but you know what? The only thing here is my side of the story and my feelings; pretty innocent I think.

I post things all the time on Facebook before I tell anyone--even DH. Why? B/c my smartphone is right there...and it's easy. Facebook is part of my identity. It might be wrong, but I know most of our generation is doing the exact same thing.

Is it possible, that she just hadn't had a chance to call before you contacted her? You went through a lot of work to find out all of that information. If I knew my MIL was contacting everyone to find out when DH came home, I wouldn't have called her. She hadn't asked me for the information and was obviously handling it herself. 

Also, I think your DIL was okay with you going down there right? If she said that try and believe her. I didn't even let my MILs visit my DH in Baltimore as he was passing through to the West Coast. Why? B/c I wanted ME to be the first person he saw from home after his deployment. Ridiculous, I know, but I think if she wanted to fight you on this, she would be...deployments are a HUGE deal for spouses.

She seems incredibly young and isn't doing what an at home spouse should be doing. On the other hand, you're taking care of his laundry, his things, finding out when he's coming home. Is it likely she thinks you had it all taken care of?

I know you're in a hard spot right now, but I think handing control over all of those mential things to her completely might be the only way she's going to get it together. Let her flounder if she doesn't. I'm not sure, but maybe she needs a BIG wake up call. And, if she doesn't want the responsibility, your DS needs to see that.

Just focus on seeing him again and be thankful that you can see him (b/c my DH wanted NO ONE around after his deployment). I don't think any of this has any hope of moving forward or getting brought to light until your DS comes home.

I don't think it's b/c she thinks your monsters; I think she's very immature. I think she's behaving like a new girlfriend, not a wife.

LaurieS

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Re: snapped olive branch~
« Reply #3 on: February 01, 2011, 01:16:25 PM »
I can see that Holli.. if you are still living at home while your dh is deployed and your parents are still grounding you as punishment.. she hasn't been able to step up..  I do agree, let your son see things for what they are, not how he imagines.  But like I said before it's hard to let the insurance lapse, the bills not get paid, his credit rating getting raked over the coals.. but you know if he is adult enough to marry then he's adult enough to figure out what he needs to do next.

I do still wish that my dil would at the very least drop us a line occasionally if she has some 'news' concerning our son.. of course we are on heightened awareness the entire time he's gone.  I think if she had more respect for our feelings and concerns she would think to take that step.

holliberri

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Re: snapped olive branch~
« Reply #4 on: February 01, 2011, 01:19:51 PM »
I didn't mean to make my post so long. Sorry.

I definitely think DIL should've contacted you with the information. It was the first thing I did, which was how my MIL's "we'll-go-to-Baltimore-and-get-to-see-him-first!" idea came about. And yes, she said it just like that.

But, I'm also on all of his paperwork to be told that information. It sounds like this girl found it through a friend. I'm confused about that. She's lucky to have found out through a friend, but there are better, more legitimate avenues to go through.

LaurieS

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Re: snapped olive branch~
« Reply #5 on: February 01, 2011, 01:26:36 PM »
I did not think it was our place to be there as he is leaving or coming home. A week before his deployment and a couple of weeks after is when I think his extended family should be given some time. 

penelope

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Re: snapped olive branch~
« Reply #6 on: February 01, 2011, 01:46:13 PM »
thats whats so annoying,she has not given us any info..not once the entire time,anything we found out was on our own,including wether or not he was killed inthe crash a few months back,she found out and said nothing. I spoke to F.R.O today,she said there are alot of familie members attend the homecoming,I had asked being parents is it best we wait until leave,she said no,she's a Marine and a mom and said come see your son:) my friends at CLJ said same thing,the wife said heck no Ma get your butt down here:) I didn't go to her site,I was chatten with my sis when the post came across the news feed on Fb,I was like WTH!! time lines show she knew early yest,and had made several posts so she was on,why not drop a line to us,I've sent her messages letting her know what was going on and to keep her informed if I found out anything. She said I avoid you guys becouse I don't know you so I don't know how to act,I thought about that,I worked with her for the first year and a half of our store opening,c'mon,we both worked full time,yes she was quiet,but she seen I got along with everyone:) I think I'm staying clear,go see my son then stay away until next visit,then hold my breath until they leave and then breath,I'm not going to get anywhere~I was excited about it being worked out to~

penelope

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Re: snapped olive branch~
« Reply #7 on: February 01, 2011, 02:06:02 PM »
~dh hubby and I aren't the type of parents who try and see him first,honestly I could be last,we just wanna hug him,see him and tell him to his face WELCOME HOME and WE LOVE YOU~I forgot to add that,I was busy eating chips and trying to type:b

holliberri

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Re: snapped olive branch~
« Reply #8 on: February 01, 2011, 02:20:18 PM »
Penelope, I am so sorry about all of this. I think she's lacking something. I hope she gets it. Go, see your son and enjoy yourself. You did everything right on your end.

LaurieS

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Re: snapped olive branch~
« Reply #9 on: February 01, 2011, 02:29:00 PM »
Penelope you are dealing with a different situation then I am.. my son was married for 3 years when he first deployed.  Also I think he may be a little older then your son. By time he deployed he was a pretty independent individual who had come into himself years before.  This time he is coming home to a pregnant wife.. it would be criminal of us to be there taking away from that homecoming. 

If your son needs you there then by all means be there for him.. all these guys are so very different and we won't even count what they just lived through on their deployments.. you know your son well enough to know which is the correct direction. 

penelope

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Re: snapped olive branch~
« Reply #10 on: February 01, 2011, 03:20:05 PM »
Thanks girls~my dh was just crying,he's so excited to see him,they are having a ceremony right after the guys hand in their weapons,so we will see how he is,stay for that then leave,we may not see him the next day before we go,I told dh he most likely will sleep in if given the chance~I would never take his time away from his wife,I just wanna hug,I know it sounds silly,I don't expect a 3 hour visit,I know he needs down time,we never have been a in your face family when he comes home,we like to relax,I do plan on Christmas dinner when he's on leave,I love him but am getting tired of vacuming of the Christmas tree...MAN I WANNA SEE IT GONE!!! lol Laurie,how nice for your ds to be back for the birth,alot of guys miss it due to deployment~my oldest baby turns 23 Thurs,he's OTR trucker so he'll be in the lovely snow storm we are getting hit with~I usually do ice-cream cakes,this year I'm thinken not such a good idea:b lol 18 inches of snow,I love that when they are gone to work...the toys are still here!!! this morning I pumped gas wearing my entire snowmobile  gear,I couldn't bend my legs to get back up in my truck!!! hahahaha

LaurieS

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Re: snapped olive branch~
« Reply #11 on: February 01, 2011, 03:24:41 PM »
I think I can be so much more relaxed over his coming home because unlike your son, mine doesn't get to carry a weapon.  So in my  mind that makes him safer.. I asked what if.. he said I run like hell.  There was a reason why he was in cross country track.  Also my son is only deployed for 3 month stints .. last time out he was stayed in a mansion inside of the Embassy compound.  It was almost like saying Hi I see you're back from vacation.

Offline tryingmybest

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Re: snapped olive branch~
« Reply #12 on: February 01, 2011, 03:28:06 PM »
I am so happy for you! I am in awe of the strength military families show when their loved ones are deployed! It's a joyful fragile time for all of you, be gentle with yourself! {{{    }}}

Offline Pooh

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Re: snapped olive branch~
« Reply #13 on: February 01, 2011, 03:28:48 PM »
I too think it should be up to the returning Son or Daughter, who they want there.  My YS isn't married, so I don't have this problem right now, but if he does marry, I would totally expect his Wife to have first dibs.  That's how it should be.  If he was and only wanted his wife there, then I would abide by his wishes and see if there was another time they could come visit.   But if he wanted us there and she didn't, I could see where that would cause some major controversary.  I do think the priority should be on what the returning Soldier wants and both Parents/Wife/Husband etc., should try to set aside their own personal feelings to honor them.

This coming from the Mom who adopted another Soldier after basic graduation for the day, because no one came to see him  :(
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

holliberri

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Re: snapped olive branch~
« Reply #14 on: February 01, 2011, 03:34:42 PM »
Pooh! I did the same thing! My brother is is a DI and one of his recruits was standing there all alone. So sad.

Penelope,

Again, I think you've done everything you could; you know now he is coming home, so that is the best part. Maybe once he is home (and for goodness sakes, OUT of her parent's house where they can no longer "ground" her!) she can start to take on some more responsibility. They'll work on it together.

I think a big part of it could be the type of transition you guys are going through. She's here, he's there. She's in her parent's house, and you're near by. They haven't made a go of it on their own yet. I can't even imagine. I thought just packing up and heading overseas leaving my family all of a sudden was hard--but it doesn't sound like it was as hard as it could've been.