Hi all,
This is my first post here. I am a DIL, yes one of those evil ones with horns coming out of my head!
Anyway, I joined because I was looking for a non biased (although are we ever REALLY completely non-biased?) objective opinion about my situation. Basically, they all hate me and think I'm an evil brainwashing puppet master. Funny thing is, it didn't start out that way at all. Quite the opposite, in fact. When I first came around, they couldn't stop singing my praises and kept telling me how good I was going to be for their family. Coincidentally, when I stopped always putting their wants first and started focusing a little more on my husband and our own separate life from them, it seems I transformed overnight into a she-devil. Please keep in mind that doesn't mean I stopped catering to them altogether, I just wasn't comfortable with the pressures I felt always conforming to what they wanted and not what my new family (my H and I) wanted.
Over a year later after all of the events have snowballed, and we haven't seen them or really talked to them since the end of 2009. There was of course a lot that led up to the cut-off, but in my husband's opinion, it all boils down to control. He took control of his life away from them and he won't give it back to them, which drives them crazy. He tried having "meetings" with them where he laid out his boundaries and told them he felt he was being toyed with and manipulated with guilt and he wasn't comfortable with it. I wasn't present for the first one, but he asked that I attend the second one. He made so many attempts to be diplomatic and give them a chance to change their behaviors towards them so that they could have a mutually beneficial relationship that was comfortable for all parties. Well, if anything, his "disloyalty" and "disrespect" made things worse and because of the timing of it all (after he and I became serious), I became the bad guy.
I don't want to bore you with an incredibly long story from day one. I can tell you that my husband has read several books on emotional blackmail and toxic people and they really hit home with him. He describes his family to me as extremely enmeshed and it is based off a hierarchy. Respect only goes up. Patriach and matriarch are terms used with each other because as "patriarch" of this family, you have a right to interfere or tell other family members whatever hurtful things you want with the excuse, "I'm just giving the facts," or "I'm just telling you how I feel." I can tell you that in the beginning I tried so hard. I tried so hard to bond with them so that they would feel more comfortable with this transition in life. My DH was married before, but in a terrible relationship that was verbally and emotionally abusive (they used to talk bad about her all the time, but now they're friends with her again), and never lived more than 5 minutes away from the rest of his family. He would ignore the pain in his home life by going to his family of origin's, so he never really "left the nest" until he and I started getting serious. I knew this. It was obvious they were dependent on him. His mother had told him before that he was her only happiness (yes, she is married but obviously not in a good marriage) and often used him as a doormat for all the problems in her personal life. He was supposed to fix it all. He later said she treated him like a surrogate spouse. Again, not anything I told him, something he came to the conclusion of himself after reading about it trying to get to the bottom of why he felt so uncomfortable, and based on what I had observed, I don't think he came to that conclusion hastily.
I remember I used to encourage him to visit his family and stay in touch with them. He never wanted to. He always wanted to look for an excuse to skip out on the family function. We went because I convinced him we should. I invited my MIL along for things I didn't have to. Lunch with my mom. Trying on wedding dresses. Lunch just the two of us. I'd keep in contact with her through email at least weekly and talk about what we had been up to, sometimes supplying her with pictures that I thought would make her happy, make her feel less anxious that her son was going out and starting a life of his own. I thought she'd feel more at east letting go if she saw how happy his life was now. I started realizing it was never good enough. We'd see them once a week and it still didn't deter anyone from calling him throughout the week and complaining that they don't see him enough and saying in not so many words that they relied on him for their happiness. So our visits became less frequent because we didn't feel they were appreciated. I stopped encouraging him so much to go. A lot more that I know would take way too long to explain, and probably get confusing. But it became apparent that it was never good enough as long as we weren't letting them control our lives, making their wants first, and helping us make our life decisions.
His mom has a problem with being a victim. She's always a victim of something, especially her own problems. She hates her job but won't try to find another one. She hates her marriage but always has an excuse for not doing anything about it. She isn't happy about her weight but won't stick to a diet. She says she doesn't have any money but blows it on materialistic things and going out to eat. She's a victim of her own decisions and always wants to blame everyone else. She's been through 5 counselors in a year timespan and I have to wonder why that is. The whole family feeds off of other people's misery. It sounds dramatic, but it's really true. They're so negative, you can almost feel it when you enter the room. I'm the complete opposite, always a positive, bright person (I imagine this is why they thought I'd be 'good for their family'), so it's hard for me to understand and I think it affects me more because I have "farther to fall," if you will. Anyway, my H has dealt with this for a lifetime and he himself has just learned in the last 5 years about accepting responsibility for yourself. He never really learned that, as he had always been taught it's always someone else's fault and we are all victims of circumstance.
It appears that everytime he tries to tell them what they have done to hurt him and make him not want to associate with them, they completely dismiss the validity of what he has to say because they've already made up their minds that it's my fault. Well, really they just dismiss his feelings totally and tell him it didn't happen or it's not true. That's he's the one with the problem. He's damning them falsely. He has told them their specific behaviors that he refuses to tolerate because of the damage it does in his life and they haven't stopped, so he decided to disengage from them. He tried to explain to them what they did and WHY he disengaged, to give them a chance to make things right, and they refuse to acknowledge or take responsibility (not really a surprise), therefore he doesn't see how he can continue a relationship with them. It feels like a cycle would just be perpetuated if there is no acknowledgment of the damage they are doing, and he said he isn't prepared to keep exposing himself to more of their disrespect.
Anyway, I'm not really sure what I'm searching for, but we are at a stalemate now. He tells them he needs them to take responsibility for their behaviors so progress can be made, and they say it's all his problem and his feelings aren't valid. I'm wondering if they will ever come around. It does suck being the bad guy, although I can take it. It just makes me anxious that things haven't been settled. I can't understand being a parent of an only child and not wanting to do whatever you could to fix the situation when they're basically spelling out for you what they need. I can't understand being more concerned with looking like a victim instead of swallowing your pride. I don't know what to do anymore, not that there is anything I can do because it's not even in my control. I just support my husband because he's my husband and he feels mistreated. He has a right to that feeling. But then in the end, it's all my fault anyway.
I also wanted to add that I have been reading this site before I decided to post here. I sometimes wonder after I've read something how some MILs can be SO "sure" that it's their DIL that is the one behind it all. Because I'm here to tell you- that mindset in my situation couldn't be farther from the truth, and it's also one of the main contributions to our relationship completely falling apart. I guess my point is that I know if my MIL were to come on this site and post, it would be about how her DIL is the main problem and she just knows her DIL is making the son hate his own family, but it's not really what's going on. I felt like I should share that with you, and I also thought maybe in talking to you guys, you could offer a helpful perspective.
Thanks! Sorry this was so long!
Topic: Maybe my story will help and maybe some of you can help me (Read 5923 times)
