Author Topic: I won't allow anyone to rent space in my head anymore!!!!!!  (Read 12360 times)

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katie84

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I won't allow anyone to rent space in my head anymore!!!!!!
« on: January 20, 2011, 09:55:21 AM »
Ok, so the other day I came here and didn't actually say what has happened to make me feel this way. In a nutshell, I will try and explain.  I am 50 years old, been married for 27 years and have 27 year old twins, boy and girl. And as I have been told numerous times throughout my life, my son feels I love my daughter best. HA! well, blah blah blah, in between this, as we all feel, we did the best we could in raising our children. We have always been a very clos knit family, until.......BOOM, DIL enters. Now we are not so close. My son and myself that is.
Apparantely DIL knows that I do not treat her husband, my son, the way he wants to be treated. Hmmmmmmmm, did not know she could read minds. Shall I mention she is Bipolar OMG!!!!! Hot, cold, hot, cold etc. I have googled bipolar numerous times and all i can say is OMG WTF!!!!!! trying to make a super long story short, I saved all the nasty texts the DIL has texted me since she erased them so my son could not see. when my son asked to see mine, i was so tempted, however, i told him "no, you have to live with her and I will not complicate your life any further". we left it at that.m Was that the end? Nope! Not as far as my evil DIL goes.  She told me that I will never see my grandchild (prove to me its mine) HA nor will I see any future grandkids! Well, bite my tongue I want to say, but instead, instead of being told this numerous times, I say " ok, I hear ya, enough. I don't have to be told over and over again. Stop thinking you are going to get a reaction from me. Are you waiting for tears? Heartache? Uncontrollable saddness? " "I heard ya the 1st 2nd and 3rd time you have used your child as a weapon against me, so all I say to you is I GET IT!!!! I don't need to be told over and over again. All I can hope for is that someday your child will treat you the same way you are treating me. HA!
Whew!!!! That felt good to get that out.  Ok so the other night, DIL texts me (i have asked her many times not to text but to call as texting always gets me in trouble) but to no avail, she keeps texting me. So the next morning, my son always calls for morning chats (these have ceased since) and asks if I got the text from his wife. I reply I did and that I was not going to respond due to being attacked. He was sad. I reread the text that said "we both have said mean things...." i was like, WTF I did not say anything mean. So anyways, I wanted to make peace once again and texted the DIL with "all is good, no worries, have a great day"  she responded with "you too" There, it was done. Thought all was good for the day at best.  Later in the day I spoke with the daughter of mine and said i was having a dinner party and she asked if she was invited. I didn't really care to have her there because it was just a few people but she said she was family and wanted to come. I said ok. She asked if her brother and his wife were invited and I said absolutely not due to the fact "DIL does not feel welcomed in my home". My daughter says I should just deal with her illness and get over myself if I want to see my grandkid. so anyways, they did not feel the need to text me back which is all fine with me. I am no longer sad or mad, I am just PISSED OFF!  is there any advice you can give me as to how to handle this. I have been losing my son since day one with his wife. My own siblings and aunts and uncles see the torment in DIL eyes too and fear speaking to her for fear they me be attacked. What shall I do? The longer it takes for them to apologize using their son as a weapon, the easier it gets for me to vanish them from my life. Its a harsh thing for a mother to say, but I have no choice. You all can see I am at wits end. Any advice on how to deal is most welcomed.

Offline luise.volta

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Re: I won't allow anyone to rent space in my head anymore!!!!!!
« Reply #1 on: January 20, 2011, 10:00:02 AM »
Step back...take a deep breath...do something wonderful for yourself that you may have been putting off (forever)...and wait for this community to open it's arms. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

katie84

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Re: I won't allow anyone to rent space in my head anymore!!!!!!
« Reply #2 on: January 20, 2011, 10:08:50 AM »
Thank you

catchingup

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Re: I won't allow anyone to rent space in my head anymore!!!!!!
« Reply #3 on: January 20, 2011, 10:41:58 AM »

 
Next time you get a text dont answer straight away.
Tell her you were out for the day with a friend and left your cell at home.
Then go on to tell her what a wonderful enjoyable day you had out.
Sent her the most cheerful greeting you can think up
She will begin to wonder why you are smiling.
It sends a silent message"I am not affected by your .....whatever

cremebrulee

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Re: I won't allow anyone to rent space in my head anymore!!!!!!
« Reply #4 on: January 20, 2011, 10:43:34 AM »
Hey Katie, hello and welcome, I loved the title of this thread...got my attention.... ;D  very well done....

First, Katie, was your DIL diognosed as bi-polar?  If she was, it would be advantagous on your part to read up on the disease and obtain as much information as you can.  Knowledge is power, and I hope your DIL is in treatment or taking meds because it is a very lonely and dabilitating disease....there are extreme highs and extreme lows, and the mood swings are astronimical....

Katie, in most cases, DIL's don't have an excuse, for being rude and hurtful, but if your DIL is indeed bi polar, that explains a lot...and there are all different levels of bi polar.  I have a friend who has a son who is, and have known other people with it. 

There are some really good books out there about the disease, and I really think it would be to your benefit to read it.  See, the whole recipe to getting along with her, would be to understand, why she acts the way she does, and who she is....it might shed some light and give you many answers so that you can deal with it....

Understanding why a person acts the way they do, is getting to know the person, and through that, and the education on your part, will shed some light to compassion on your part....and I believe you'll calm down and understand...right now your taking everything she does as personal and reacting negatively to the situation, when in fact, she might want so badly to love you and for her to have someone take the effort to understand her illness, well, she might not feel so lonely...

Some of the syptoms are:

Depressed mood most of the day; feeling sad or empty, tearful

Significant loss of interest or pleasure in activities that used to be enjoyable
 
Significant weight loss (when not dieting) or weight gain; decrease or increase in appetite

Difficulty sleeping or sleeping too much

Agitation; or slowing down of thoughts and reduction of physical movements

Fatigue or loss of energy
 
Feelings of worthlessness or inappropriate guilt

Poor concentration or having difficulty making decisions

so her negative behavior isn't necessarily directed purposely towards you, it's just the way she is and she can't help it or control it....and it's very sad.

Think about this, just 50 - 70 years ago, they insitutionalized people who were bi-polar so thank goodness we've come a long way in understanding the disease....

they also have a very difficult time getting along with others and maintaining healthy relationships....

Patty Duke is bi-polar and wrote a book about it, but right now, what I would suggest, is to read, and gain as much knowledge as you can...you might be surprised....as to how much it will help you, b/c right now, I can hear the anger in your voice...living with bi-polar disorder is very hard lady....and it's very sad....

also, Patients, families, and caregivers should pay close attention to any changes, especially sudden changes in mood, behaviors, thoughts, or feelings b/c the meds they are on, to help them function, might be wrong for them, due to they're chemical imbalances, etc. 

So that to me would be a step in the right direction....

Hugs
Creme



catchingup

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Re: I won't allow anyone to rent space in my head anymore!!!!!!
« Reply #5 on: January 20, 2011, 10:49:57 AM »

After re reading your post I think perhaps your DIL is looking for your approval and afterall she did text to apologize.
Perhaps your son and daughter were trying to get the family together (Re the dinner) then you rejected the DIL after her trying to make peace.
You are luckier than most women here whoes DIL would not care to make peace.
Also a wise post from Cremebrulee

Offline Pen

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Re: I won't allow anyone to rent space in my head anymore!!!!!!
« Reply #6 on: January 20, 2011, 10:54:14 AM »
 Hey Katie, glad to have you here. Sorry you're dealing with this. I agree with Luise, take a breath & some time for yourself while things sort out. A lot of it isn't under your control, but your well being certainly is.

Catchingup, your advice is golden. We do not have to answer texts or emails immediately...I'm just now figuring that out and it's very empowering. You can choose to answer in your own time so you can make sure you express yourself well. Brilliant!

And Creme, education is vital. Thanks for that reminder.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

katie84

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Re: I won't allow anyone to rent space in my head anymore!!!!!!
« Reply #7 on: January 20, 2011, 01:40:12 PM »
I will take a breath. But I also refuse to let anyone rent space in my head lol Its horrible for any granma to hear "you will never see my child" :(  I was reading some other posts and its sad that these days children and grownup children disrespect the parents and feel they can say anything they want in a disrespectful manner. Maybe its the times. I was raised to never question or speak back and if I did, oh boy did I surely get it. I raised my children differently. I swore I would never hit them because hitting did not solve anything with me, it just hurt and bruised. So I raised my children without any hitting and lots of hugging. To this day, well, other than the last few weeks, my children always called and said they love me. My daughter still does, and its not like I need to hear they love me, its just nice to know thay don't hate me. My son hopefully will learn that God did give him a set of balls and he has every right to tell his wife, if he wants to, that he is bringing his child over to see me whether she likes it or not. But sadly after reading so many comments here, it seems to me the DIL has the final say. I will keep on praying for my son that he realizes I never stop loving him. Do I want a life w/o my grandson? no I don't, but should I be told constantly that I will not see him ever? I mean, really now, Its getting old. And when they do finally come around, we all know I will be delighted, but they must understand that they cannot use a child as a tool.  I am so happy I found this site, there are so many of us out here that I had no clue. I was rather embarrassed to think OMG how is this happening and what have I done etc, but now I see so many of us suffer in many different way. God Bless us all :)

Offline stilltrying2010

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Re: I won't allow anyone to rent space in my head anymore!!!!!!
« Reply #8 on: January 20, 2011, 01:53:58 PM »
Let me preface this by saying I am a here for issues with my MIL... as in I am a DIL.

That being said, I think that  something you wrote really spoke to me:
Quote
And as I have been told numerous times throughout my life, my son feels I love my daughter best.

When I read your post, I could see myself in your DIL (although I am not bipolar & never use my child as a bargaining chip).  In my siutation, I find myself standing up for the hurts and slights my DH expresses to me.  I am angry by the way his family treats him and he is sad.  My MIL once stated that her DD always spoke up and "the squeaky wheel gets the grease" thus placing blame on my DH for not being as vocal as his sister. 

I guess what I am tryig to say is that although your DIL is NOT handling things in a productive way, could it be that she is acting out of love for your son?

I know mother's all do their best (I am one of 7 kids) but if you have been told "numerous times" that your DS feels this way, have you ever considered his perception of things?  Even if it is distorted, they are his feelings and he is your son.

I hope I have not offended you and I don't blame you for being angry (with the middle school tactics mean msgs & withholding the gc) but it seems as if sometimes we can't see the forest through the tress...


Offline lancaster lady

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Re: I won't allow anyone to rent space in my head anymore!!!!!!
« Reply #9 on: January 20, 2011, 03:09:40 PM »
Katie 84:
You didnt say why she sends you the awful texts or what started the feud ?
I feel that texting and emailing and Facebook have a lot to answer for . It's very easy to dash off a text or email in the heat of the moment and through these pages everyone seems to have learnt not to do that . I for one have erased countless texts and emails after reading them back .
you are wise to breathe easy before replying .I am in the same space as you .The only difference is I have a wall of silence !
Still in contact with my DS thank goodness ,but I have totally backed off and believe me it's very hard .Looking at photos of my GD is painful because I want to hold her . However I hope one day all will be well and sanity will prevail .I have to hope that
otherwise I would certainly go mad !!

holliberri

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Re: I won't allow anyone to rent space in my head anymore!!!!!!
« Reply #10 on: January 20, 2011, 03:15:03 PM »
@StillTrying: I think you're correct about this; I have always felt that my parents treated my brother different than me, and while this upsets my mother very much...it is my perception of things. My mom might think it is ridiculous, but from my viewpoint, there is a lot of evidence pointing to that fact. I think if my mom would have just said that she understood where I was coming from, this would've done immense things for our relationship. She doesn't have to agree with me, but respecting my feelings on it would have been wonderful. (I'm not saying this is the case here, but I definitely see your point).

holliberri

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Re: I won't allow anyone to rent space in my head anymore!!!!!!
« Reply #11 on: January 20, 2011, 03:22:27 PM »
I think we were talking about this on another board: about the constant ability to communicate actually being a hinderance to real communication. I think e-mailing/texting might be a classic example.

For so long, when I felt the need to communicate I'd e-mail/text. It has never worked for me:

1.) People (including my therpaist) found it passive aggressive; that certainly wasn't my intention!
2.) Everything I wrote got miscommunicated or misunderstood somehow.
3.) I was never allowing another person to communicate their feelings.

My relationships have improved since I've stopped using this tactic. I either call or have a face to face discussion. I'm not sure if the e-mailing/texting actually begets more problems than were originally there. It's hard communicating face to face (it takes patience and practice), but the payoff is huge.


Offline lancaster lady

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Re: I won't allow anyone to rent space in my head anymore!!!!!!
« Reply #12 on: January 20, 2011, 03:26:41 PM »
Amen to that Holliberri .... :) :)

katie84

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Re: I won't allow anyone to rent space in my head anymore!!!!!!
« Reply #13 on: January 21, 2011, 10:12:49 AM »
I appreciate all the comments and will try my best to answer to them. 1st off, the reason DIL texts me with certain things so mean, is because she is constantly reading things wrong when I answer. I tell her to try and remember who I am, and how I generally speak which is a calm soothing voice. I ask her not to text but to call me if she needs to speak or talk to me but she just keeps on texting. I tell her i wish she would call instead because texting is perceived in a tone she hears rather than which I am truly speaking.  some of the texts she sends makes me believe she is not reading mine before texting more. I have actually had tests from her attacking me because I did not answer quick enough. I tried to let her know I do not always answer right away if I am at work.  I know she has a rough life with her own mom and dislikes her very much. I am trying to understand the bipolar in a way we can have a relationship and I admit when I wrote to you all here, I was venting.
As far as my son goes, I will never understand why he feels I love my daughter more. I too come from a family of 8 and mom loved us all in our own special way. I continue to show my son I love him and sure do miss our morning chats but understand he is upset and has to live peacefully with his wife. I also understand that as a MIL i have to take the backseat when it comes to the DIL because she is not my own daughter.
I do take into consideration how my son feels and i will keep on trying to show him I love him. I have so much love for him and would welcome a chance to love his wife and when I feel I am at a standstill, I will come here and seek some awesome advice from all you wise women :)
TO THE DIL:  I try and look at it from a DIL's point of view. I truly do. When she came to me and said she was so happy to have me in her life because she does not get the same things from her own mom, i was overwhelmed with happiness to have her feel comfortable with me. I also understand she is speaking out for her husband and is protective of him. I was always protective of my own husband although he was an orphan and I never had in laws.
My DIL and I had a sit down a while ago and she asked if instead of me going to my son and asking to see my grandchild or asking for all of them to come for our tuesday night dinners (which have also stopped) she asked if I would go to her rather than my son. I took it as she wanted and felt close enough to me and would like to be included. I loved that. We also agreed never to text anymore but the texts still came.
You all know, i believe, that when I vent, I still am hurt and wish nothing but good things for my son and DIL and would love so0 much to see my grandchild. But come on, how many times can a person hear "you are banned from seeing him". Its wrong. It sad, and its a horrible thing fo0r anyone to bear.
I am glad I found this site and always welcome kind words of wisdom, but I need to also get on with my life.  I can not let this situation detroy me. I would hope my kids would not want this to destroy me either.
I asked my son why he tells his wife I love my daughter more, and he said he was sorry about that and knows he should say it.
I have always hugged and said I love you and worried when he was at war. I have journals showing how much I love him. I can not force someone to like me or treat me the way I want to be treated, so I will stay on my side of the road and always be here when and if they need me. This I have let DIL know but no answer as to date.
Do I miss my grandchild, come on, of course I do!
I hope I answered questions that needed to be answered.
And ladies, thank you all for the great advise. As far as the response from the DIL here, please keep writing, maybe through you I can see the light. And thank you :)

Offline Pen

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Re: I won't allow anyone to rent space in my head anymore!!!!!!
« Reply #14 on: January 21, 2011, 10:15:14 AM »
Block DIL's texts. Accept only phone calls.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb