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Oh I shoulda told em so!

Started by tryingmybest, January 17, 2011, 06:16:43 pm

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tryingmybest

I need some help in keeping my mouth shut. My son seems to be coming right up against what   I saw coming at him really clearly before he ever slipped an engagement ring on his wife's finger.
He is spending his days doing what she wants, when she wants it done and on her schedule.  It is all about her, and it's getting to him, just the way I knew it would.  He looks exhausted and miserable.  Our relationship is back on track because I never got mad at them, and tried to be the place of no stress and support.
He's saying this will be the year of doing what he wants to do. So I've made the adjustment, done my loving detachment, and actually want this marriage to work. I know it's out of my control, and I have no part I this but I just need someone to TELL me to keep out of it! Bigger kids, bigger problems!  :o

Tara

Dear TMB,

I think you are doing the exact right thing by being lovingly detached and staying out of it.  Keep up the
good work.

Pen

You're doing great so far, it seems. Good for you! When you feel like saying something you shouldn't, come here instead. Your detached yet loving treatment of DS & DIL will do wonders. I'm sorry your DS is miserable, but perhaps he's getting ready to speak up for himself. He'll be more apt to do so if he doesn't feel like he's following his mommy's advice, but rather standing up like a man.

Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

holliberri


LaurieS

Sometimes saying nothing speaks the loudest.  While no one wants their child to ever be miserable, we do want them to be able to stand up for their happiness and desires in any relationship.  Sometimes that pendulum has to hit the extremes before they can find a real balance in their lives.  You've done well.

luise.volta

Keeping my mouth shut when I have an opinion (which I always do) is the hardest thing there is to do, for me. I haven't mastered it but I often succeed. Good for you! We are all in your corner!!Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

tryingmybest

Thank you ladies. That old Mom to the rescue thing is hard to lose isn't it? They all be so much better off if they'd just remember ""mother knows best". lol, just kidding, seriously....hmmmm

Faithlooksup

Good for you Tryingmybest!!!!   You are doing good standing at the sidelines with this....
No matter how old we are we are always learning, whether good or bad it is part of life.....

And someday he just might say, "you were right Mom" ~~you never know!!! ;)

Cheers, Faith

cremebrulee

well, everytime your tempted to open your mouth, tell yourself this..."my son's happiness is much more important, so, everytime I open my mouth, let it be encouragement and support...and never say a word negative about DIL"....remember, your happiness is son's happiness...it's the trickle down effect...which every action, word you utter, reflects on others...

Good Luck....
Creme

JaneF

GOOD JOB!!!!  I also find it difficult to not say anything to son at times, but it is best that I do not.  I have told the kids I am not here to "rescue" them, they need to be adults and resolve their own issues (and then they can't come back on old mom and blame me!). Keep up the great work!

Pen

January 18, 2011, 07:07:53 am #10 Last Edit: January 18, 2011, 07:43:32 am by Pen
Creme, thanks for bringing up the point about never saying anything negative about DIL, and I might add her FOO. It will most definitely get back to her, and you'd be likely looking at a cutoff.

I've become the queen of sounding interested but really saying nothing...I don't make any definite statements about anything related to their lives, and what little I do say is always positive and supportive no matter my concerns. DIL told DS recently that she appreciated DH & me for not jumping into the fray when some major life decisions were being hashed over; apparently her FOO was pressuring them.

Now be assured I would LOVE to have a good old long talk about everything w/ DS the way we used to! I miss our discussions terribly, but I know those days are over. :(
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Pooh

I have the right to remain silent, just not the ability  :o
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

cremebrulee

Quote from: Pen on January 18, 2011, 07:07:53 am
Creme, thanks for bringing up the point about never saying anything negative about DIL, and I might add her FOO. It will most definitley get back to her, and you'd be likely looking at a cutoff.

I've become the queen of sounding interested but really saying nothing...I don't make any definite statements about anything related to their lives, and what little I do say is always positive and supportive no matter my concerns. DIL told DS recently that she appreciated DH & me for not jumping into the fray when some major life decisions were being hashed over; apparently her FOO was pressuring them.

Now be assured I would LOVE to have a good old long talk about everything w/ DS the way we used to! I miss our discussions terribly, but I know those days are over. :(


Pen, honestly, given time, I bet those long talks will return...just give him time....and you'll be surprised...when he feels right, it'll happen, then you go sista....and have a huge celebration, and don't forget to let us all know about it here, b/c it will be the greatest of days....so you'll have to promise to share!!!!   ;D ;D

cremebrulee

Quote from: Pooh on January 18, 2011, 07:31:15 am
I have the right to remain silent, just not the ability  :o


LOL, you are a hoot...!!!!  ;D

Tara

Now be assured I would LOVE to have a good old long talk about everything w/ DS the way we used to! I miss our discussions terribly, but I know those days are over. :(
[/quote]


Pen,  I know just what you mean about missing the good old long talks about everything.  I miss those discussions with my son too.

Also, liked what you said about being the queen of sounding interested but not saying anything.  This is a new skill for me.  Wish I would have known about it earlier.  I think when my son got married I was so clueless about how to be a skillful MIL.