Author Topic: Intuition tells me its time to reach out  (Read 2238 times)

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neecee

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Intuition tells me its time to reach out
« on: January 08, 2011, 01:48:10 PM »
I havent been on for a while and have been getting by ok by checking in from time to time.   I need to ask advice right now and will trust that God/Universe will speak to you all, since you all saved my mind and my heart from being broken when I first reach out to this site.

Recently, I have been sensing it is time to reach out to stepson and his wife.  I realize they have historically had no respect for our character or integrity.  What has changed is that throug the grapevine, the "real" mom is also getting some bad behavior from her son and his wife.  I think this may be since it was revealed about how much she maligned us and lied to him during his life.  These stories undermined me from having a relationship with him and cast me as an "evil" stepmother and his dad as an alcoholic abusive x husband and dad which is absolutely untrue.
I dont want to go through the old stories one by one and rehash them.  I think the DIL is a sociopath and I think she got the go ahead to be abusive to me through my stepson.  He is a fearful man who i dont think wanted to do the dirty work of his anger.
Well, i think he may be ready to talk and take ownership for his behaviors.  I am and I know his dad would as well. 
the question is: Do we use a mediator?  Do we hire a therapist to help process this long old story? Should we simply call them and sit down?  In sitting down without help, I fear another angry fiasco and that we may still not hear each other.  These old lies die hard and there is a lot of bitterness. I dont think that the relationships can have the same joyful trust we have with our other kids, but maybe it can heal us all. I feel such compassion for them and for us and our other chldren.  he is becoming a father again. He is young.  It cannot be good forhim to have these feelings inside himself about fathering and mothering>  Right? It just feels so ugly and sad.
What do you think?













Louey0727

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Re: Intuition tells me its time to reach out
« Reply #1 on: January 08, 2011, 02:13:29 PM »
I realize they have historically had no respect for our character or integrity. 
I think the DIL is a sociopath and I think she got the go ahead to be abusive to me through my stepson.  He is a fearful man who i dont think wanted to do the dirty work of his anger."

Dear Neecee:
I pasted two sentences that might make  you and husband think twice before you try to reach out to your stepson.
If there was a way, unbeknown to him and his wife, to find out how they are, in terms of behavior towards life in general, I would try that route first.
Do you want to get involved again, if it is only to cause grief.  Would there be someone that knows them and you and your husband that you could ask in confidence what are they like now.
I would try my darnest to see if they are decent people who have changed dramatically.  Also, I would ask a professional person what action you and your huband should take.

Offline elsieshaye

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Re: Intuition tells me its time to reach out
« Reply #2 on: January 08, 2011, 03:19:38 PM »
I would let them come to you when they're ready, even if that might be never. 
This too shall pass.  All is well.

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Intuition tells me its time to reach out
« Reply #3 on: January 08, 2011, 03:27:54 PM »
I've become very wary of mediators and therapists over the years...unless you have someone like a super-capable clergyman that you all know and trust. One person's therapist can be another person's enemy, if they aren't skillful.

You might ask them to think about it and maybe  set up some rules...about interrupting...shouting...using accusations; stuff like that. Is that a possibility? For that, a moderator...like a clergyman might work better than trying to do it yourselves.if you can't do it.

Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

cremebrulee

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Re: Intuition tells me its time to reach out
« Reply #4 on: January 08, 2011, 04:37:20 PM »
Hi Necee,
in my opinion, and this is not written in stone, and I may be wrong, however, if and when you all sit down to talk, each individual present, must be willing, and must be able to discuss the issue, without taking anything said as personal...and, in the stead of saying, you did this or that, it should be said, "you hurt me when, and perhaps you didn't mean it that way, but that is how I interrupted it"...Necee, everyone's perception is different, and we all take the actions and words of others wrong sometimes...or take things personal, when it wasn't meant that way....

also, I wouldn't call them, I'd let them come to you, b/c if you do, they may come, however, if they are not ready, it will go badly...they have to want to work it out to the point they are willing to take some ownership...yanno?  If they are not, it won't work. 

No one is 100% right all the the time, and if you want to make a go of this, seriously, you cannot get upset, when they charge you with whatever it is, that they "Think" you did.

I've told this story before, but when DIL and I sat down and discussed this and she told me things I did, which upset/hurt, her,
I wsa shocked....and said outloud, how dare I do that in your home...that was so wrong of me....and I shared some things which she did, and her comment was, "geeze, I'm going to have to work hard on that, b/c if you perceive me acting in that way, then others might as well..."...I told her, now that I know it wasn't directed at me personally, she didn't have to change for me...

Neceee, that is really really hard for people to do who disagree, is assume ownership....it's not caving in, it's simply viewing your own actions as offensive or hurtful, and we all hurt people without even realizing it at times...by our actions, words or deeds....

Necee, relationships are difficult....I have neighbors, which some of the things they do, have to be overlooked, and I'm sory I say and do things that they overlook...


What I'm trying to say, is your son ready, b/c if he is not, it could definately turn into a screaming match and make things worse...

If it were me, I'd give it some more time, and let them come to me....no two people are ever on the same plain at the same time...

God bless and Good Luck...I mean it...what your about to do, is a very difficult and hard thing to do...you have to be ready for harsh words and blame...and to discuss,it as well as listen, and I mean really listen....

When I finally said to my son, "What do you think I could do to change this?" I was so ready, and had dropped all blam, and wanted to listen, and learn....in other words, when he said, "mom, you hurt DIL when you did this or that"....I didn't get defensive, or angry or hurt, I listened, intently, and that is the point that everyone needs to be at to make it work....and yanno what other frame of mind I was in, or had reached...?  Nothing, nothing in the world that they had done to me, seemed important any longer, it wasn't worth fighting about or defending myself about, b/c they are family...and ya gotta give a little and take a little for relationships to work...even with our husbands, our girlfriends...neighbors, etc....

Neecee, it isn't about taking a defeatist role in the least, what it's about is, what is most important, being right and winning, or resolving the whole issue, and letting all the stuff go?  No one wins, it's a no win situation...

Even in the business world, during meetings, I might not go along with what someone else proposes, however, I voice my opinion and majority of votes win, we can't win all the time...and there are just times when it's right to speak our mind, and then there are times when we need to learn to zip it....
and embrace defeat....and then you realize, it's not defeat at all...
does that make any sense?

and by the way, I do totally agree with Luise's post as well...

remember, what works for me, might not work for you...I got to the point, where I just didn't want to fight any longer, or even think about saying, "I didn't do anything"  I did, but wasn't aware that it was offensive...I was just being myself and unaware of my actions, that were hurting my DIL...and visa versa...we are so asleep sometimes, we are unaware that our thoughts and actions, might ofgend someone else....

Good luck Neecee
« Last Edit: January 08, 2011, 04:51:40 PM by cremebrulee »

neecee

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Re: Intuition tells me its time to reach out
« Reply #5 on: January 09, 2011, 02:31:05 PM »
I knew I could get great direction here.  I thank each of you and will let this settle a while longer.
My husband has a great mistrust for counselors, as his x was a "therapist" and had the rule book on how to manipulate situations to her favor.

C- you said it quite well.  I don't care who is to blame anymore.  I don't care what happened or didn't happen.  I am ready to take the hits, but not to be a doormat.  I can wait til our boy comes to us. Nor do I need them to take all the blame in this awful situation.  I guess I don't think it really matters.  I simply want the harshness and caustic nature of these relationships to disapate.

I want the gentleness to return. 

Thank you again.  I will keep you posted. Blessings to you all.

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Intuition tells me its time to reach out
« Reply #6 on: January 09, 2011, 05:16:05 PM »

We're with you 100%!
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

cremebrulee

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Re: Intuition tells me its time to reach out
« Reply #7 on: January 11, 2011, 08:04:45 AM »
I knew I could get great direction here.  I thank each of you and will let this settle a while longer.
My husband has a great mistrust for counselors, as his x was a "therapist" and had the rule book on how to manipulate situations to her favor.

C- you said it quite well.  I don't care who is to blame anymore.  I don't care what happened or didn't happen.  I am ready to take the hits, but not to be a doormat.  I can wait til our boy comes to us. Nor do I need them to take all the blame in this awful situation.  I guess I don't think it really matters.  I simply want the harshness and caustic nature of these relationships to disapate.

I want the gentleness to return. 

Thank you again.  I will keep you posted. Blessings to you all.

yup, you reach a point when you feel like that, and the anger just simply goes away, all you want is peace in your life...and there is nothing more important....however, there was a time, when we felt we had to defend ourselves and fought like blazes b/c we thought our sons were telling us we were wrong....and they were not, what they were saying is, this bother's DIL when you do this or that....and I wasn't listening....

there is nothing, not anything worth more to me in life then peace....it takes a whole weight off your shoulders, and yanno what, I don't care about being right, I want to make my DIL happy....
that's all that matters....

give it time, and I'm going to ditto what Luise said....we're right there with you....feel the support and know it...use it to wrap yourself up when you need the strength to get thru the next day....and know it's real and positive thoughts do work, live it, taste it, and think positive....

In my case, I know, if DIL's happy, son is happy....which in turn reflects a great deal on me....and our relationship....remember that....

Hugs Creme
« Last Edit: January 11, 2011, 08:06:38 AM by cremebrulee »

cremebrulee

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Re: Intuition tells me its time to reach out
« Reply #8 on: January 11, 2011, 01:38:38 PM »
Neecee, you wrote this....
Quote
I knew I could get great direction here.  I thank each of you and will let this settle a while longer.
My husband has a great mistrust for counselors, as his x was a "therapist" and had the rule book on how to manipulate situations to her favor.


While I can understand your husband's feelings, he must acknowledge that not all counselors are alike, and manipulative....
however, it might be wise for you to search around for a good one, ask around, maybe your doctor...when and if you find one, start going, and a good counselor will ask you your story and then advise, and also tell you things you might not want to hear, however, when you think about it, it will make sense.  A bad counselor will keep agreeing with you and not give they're opinion, to keep  you coming back....then maybe you can get your DIL and son to go with you, it will prove to them that you care and you want to resolve this....and go forward...


When my dil and I spoke, we did not go into well, you did this and that, we bought up a few things and then were both ready to move forward....the one important tool is, they have to want to do that to...without that, you cannot, and the more you bring up, that happened in the past, will only fuel the flame....so I don't know if that helps, but the past must be forgotten, and all must be willing...

Hugs no matter what you decide, all the women here support your decision...you know best...

Offline pam1

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Re: Intuition tells me its time to reach out
« Reply #9 on: January 11, 2011, 03:11:45 PM »
I've got a bit of a different take -- from growing up in blended families.

The relationship that needs to be repaired first is between Dad and Son.  Perhaps Dad can start out communicating with Son, take baby steps.  Let them together hash out the type of relationship they want, then take it from there to including spouses.

I mean this as no offense, but from my experience and others I know as adult stepchild, the relationship they are looking and wanting to repair or at least maintain the strongest is between themselves and the bio parent.  Stepparents can be wonderful additions but in sticky situations I think it's best if they take a few steps back and let the parent-child relationship establish first.

People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

LaurieS

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Re: Intuition tells me its time to reach out
« Reply #10 on: January 11, 2011, 03:15:30 PM »
I've got a bit of a different take -- from growing up in blended families.

The relationship that needs to be repaired first is between Dad and Son.  Perhaps Dad can start out communicating with Son, take baby steps.  Let them together hash out the type of relationship they want, then take it from there to including spouses.

I mean this as no offense, but from my experience and others I know as adult stepchild, the relationship they are looking and wanting to repair or at least maintain the strongest is between themselves and the bio parent.  Stepparents can be wonderful additions but in sticky situations I think it's best if they take a few steps back and let the parent-child relationship establish first.
That was such sound advice Pam that I had to quote it.. I think it's worth reading more then once.

Offline Pooh

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Re: Intuition tells me its time to reach out
« Reply #11 on: January 12, 2011, 06:10:17 AM »
I agree.  Pam that is great advice!
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

cremebrulee

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Re: Intuition tells me its time to reach out
« Reply #12 on: January 12, 2011, 06:16:16 AM »
Pam, an incredibly remarkable response...and indeed so true...

neecee

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Re: Intuition tells me its time to reach out
« Reply #13 on: January 13, 2011, 09:21:45 AM »
You are all correct, I believe.  I really no longer think this is about step parents at all.  I don't think I am even in the equation.  Nothing I could have ever done could equate to the level of anger coming from my stepson and dil.  I think it belongs to the bio parents.  I am an easy target.
I am going to have lunch with our oldest (my other stepson).  We have a very good relationship and I am close to his wife and son. I think dad and missing son need a bridge and he has an interest in brigding for them.  Once that bridge is crossed, then we can add wives and so on. 
Apparently my stepsons mom is now on the target line.  So, the dil is either trying to eliminate all stepsons bio family, in an abusive and isolating way...or this is my stepsons only way to make his immense anger from the original family.

neecee

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Re: Intuition tells me its time to reach out
« Reply #14 on: January 16, 2011, 01:56:00 PM »
I met with my oldest stepson; we are pretty close and he is a compassionate kind man.  First, I checked in with him.  I wanted to be sure he wanted to know the nature of the issues and that he might be hurt with that information.  I told him we had spent over 20 yrs developing stable relationships, and it was not our choice to be in this place.  He was so clear.  He wants to try to "bridge" this relationship fracture.
So, we talked for a long time while picnicing in my car. 
What a kind man.  Nothing has been lost on him.  But the reality is, he wants his family back in place.  I told him I thought the best thing was for he, dad and brother to mend, then the rest can fall into whatever place it needs to be.  So that is our goal. 
I have a daughter who is a dear friend to me and step dad.  We see her always and she is kind and attentive.  This missing stepson has always been cold and even cruel to her since our blending family.  If that cannot be reconciled some kind way, I will remain on the outside with her. Dad feels kids need to make first move and apologize "ball is in their court", and kids think we need to apologize..."ball is in our court".  Someone has to give.
So...it is out there now.  Oldest can do what he can to make this connection and I will work on dad to mend this huge chasm between them.  I wonder if some damage is so great it can not be forgiven, especially when it comes to children and emotional blackmail.
I thank you all.  I don't know what will happen now, but I feel so much better having spoken freely.Hugs back to you all.