Author Topic: Sometime I wonder  (Read 5809 times)

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esme

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Sometime I wonder
« on: January 07, 2011, 12:20:50 PM »
It is snowing here today, I am trying to clean and forget about the holidays..except for the good parts, thinking about all the posts I have read here. I remember when I was in my 20's and 30's with small kids. I have to laugh..if I ever treated my mom or my mil the way these kids treat us, I would have run for the hills b/c I don't care how old I was my mother (God rest her soul) would have killed me, and if not, she would have wounded me very bad..and then told me "You made your bed now sleep in it!" My mom had a very harsh side to her, but we respected her! Now don't think she "wanted" to babysit our kids...she did NOT! We knew too NOT to ask her or my mil. However, when they wanted to see them...there was no questions, we were told bring the children TONIGHT, NOW,or, TOMORROW. Not when it fit our schedule, when they wanted to see them you dropped everything..and went to Grandmas. I also remember when they wanted to visit us,,,there was no phone call first.....I don't care what u were doing you stopped and made them feel welcome, be it lunch or dinner time you set them a place AND you smiled. My kids even remember these visits to this day!

So I though (won't speak for others here) that my life was a little harsh, and tried to treat my children with the respct, I wished then I had gotten. Didn't work!!

I wonder if the spakings I received, the punishments, and the chores I had to do (with no allowance) were really for my own good? I wonder what our children will endure from their children. Well you all know what I mean...we can't have a winner and a looser in a game anymore...all the kids win. Heck half those babies out there are on meds,,,,to keep them quiet! I'm wondering what a child today would do if like my parents enforced, "children should be seen at the table NOT heard!" lol. Then I think back when I said that was just awful and I would NEVER tell me children that! Then I remember how frustrated I was when those darn food fights would break out at our dinner tables??

I was just wondering?
« Last Edit: January 07, 2011, 12:37:54 PM by luise.volta »

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Sometime I wonder
« Reply #1 on: January 07, 2011, 12:39:21 PM »
It's sure a "puzzlement," isn't it? It's a darned of you do, darned if yo don't thing. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

MrsKitty

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Re: Sometime I wonder
« Reply #2 on: January 07, 2011, 03:33:45 PM »
Hi E.
Don't ever regret being kind to your kids. You did this because you are a kind person and that is the best kind of person to be. We don't always receive the treatment that we give out, but if we give out kind treatment, at least we can be sure that we have done our best. Wouldn't you feel just as bad if you had treated your kids really harshly and they had had the same reaction to you? I think you would---and in that case you would have also felt deep regret for not being the person and mother you knew that you could be. Sorry for your sadness...

Eva

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Re: Sometime I wonder
« Reply #3 on: January 07, 2011, 07:57:42 PM »
The Beauty in our hearts, 
transforms the World around us.

neecee

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Re: Sometime I wonder
« Reply #4 on: January 08, 2011, 02:02:09 PM »
Hi Esme, I have considered that as well.  It wasnt just our moms and mil's personally that we would never disrespect...it was their place and title in the family...their role, if you will.  It was the "right thing to do".

I think our kids who are so mixed up willhave a terrible time establishing respect from their own children, since they dont get the concept.

1Glitterati

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Re: Sometime I wonder
« Reply #5 on: January 08, 2011, 03:24:46 PM »
Hi Esme, I have considered that as well.  It wasnt just our moms and mil's personally that we would never disrespect...it was their place and title in the family...their role, if you will.  It was the "right thing to do".

I think our kids who are so mixed up willhave a terrible time establishing respect from their own children, since they dont get the concept.

I guess this is where I go off the rails.  Neither my mother or my mil's "roles" are more important than mine.  Yes, they are part of my lives...but I will not subjugate myself or my wants or my schedule to them anytime they call and demand something. 

Honestly, I rarely get demanded of anymore.  They've seen how that's turned out in the past.

I don't think being a mom or a mil is license to assume that you can tell your grown children what to do with themselves or their kids.   As for what Esme posted "However, when they wanted to see them...there was no questions, we were told bring the children TONIGHT, NOW,or, TOMORROW. Not when it fit our schedule, when they wanted to see them you dropped everything..and went to Grandmas."...how is that not disrespectful on the part of the grandparents?

I DO respect my mother.   That does not mean that she wants something just because she wants it.  I'm not unwilling to work around other people's schedules if I can...but I see no reason to do something because it's demanded of me by someone older than me.  That I must do what they want regardless of my own wants or needs simply because they are an "elder".  I don't see that as respect.  I see that as being a doormat.  Disagreement or refusal to capitulate from an adult child is not disrespect.
« Last Edit: January 08, 2011, 03:29:42 PM by 1Glitterati »

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Sometime I wonder
« Reply #6 on: January 08, 2011, 03:34:06 PM »
There are probably many definitions of respect. A woman once told me that her husband had learned to respect her and "didn't hit her any more."

There's a lot we can say about respect and how we interpret and practice it and want it returned. I hope it doesn't become an outdated word that eventually gets dropped from the dictionary.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

1Glitterati

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Re: Sometime I wonder
« Reply #7 on: January 08, 2011, 03:36:06 PM »
There are probably many definitions of respect. A woman once told me that her husband had learned to respect her and "didn't hit her any more."

There's a lot we can say about respect and how we interpret and practice it and want it returned. I hope it doesn't become an outdated word that eventually gets dropped from the dictionary.

 :o

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Sometime I wonder
« Reply #8 on: January 08, 2011, 03:49:03 PM »
You're right...a shocking thought! Nice to see you on the board today, G.  :)
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Orly

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Re: Sometime I wonder
« Reply #9 on: January 08, 2011, 04:42:14 PM »
"learned to respect her and didn't hit her anymore."

Before they changed the domestic violence laws, that statement would have gotten a response from me,
"First time he hit me, I would have sewn him up in a sheet and taken a broomhandle to him!"....you act like a Missouri mule, you get treated like one.   And then I would have been out the door. 

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Sometime I wonder
« Reply #10 on: January 08, 2011, 04:47:16 PM »
Yup!!! You got it! Some laws do not protect the innocent!
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline Pen

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Re: Sometime I wonder
« Reply #11 on: January 08, 2011, 08:20:24 PM »
What makes these issues sad for me is that those of us MILs/moms of a certain age have lost out on both ends, so to speak. We gave respect to our elders, deserved or not, because it was the thing to do as dictated by societal norms of the day. Many of us are caring for our aging parents, for example. We probably weren't spoiled or treated like we were entitled; we were to be seen and not heard, go along with whatever our parents (usually Dad) had planned, and pay our own way through college. Now that we're the elders we're finding that we don't automatically get respect for our years of experience and hard work, we have to "earn it."

I'd kind of like to be spoiled or entitled on one end or the other; since I lost out as a child it would be nice to get it as an elder :) Dream on, lol!

Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Sometime I wonder
« Reply #12 on: January 08, 2011, 09:00:14 PM »
My son, our Webmaster, age 55, tells me his friends are now starting to have to "tow that barge and lift that bail" where their parents are concerned and much of what he relates is about parents being stubborn and refusing to consider a retirement center when they are no longer competent and the situation is plainly headed downhill. He tells them about Val and I coming to the Warm Beach Retirement Center before we needed to and merrily volunteering our heads off for for the first five years. (It's non-profit, so that's allowed and a way of life here.) He is so grateful that we made the decision, picked the place and moved ourselves in. We didn't put it off and cause him concern. We set it up financially (with very little) so we are independent and he gets to love us to pieces and live his life. Not that hard to put together from our end.

I had my dad live with me from 85 to 95 and what sounded ideal and came from the heart wasn't easy for anyone. Of course entitlement never was part of the equation on either end...not does my son suffer from that malady.

From my point of view at 83 and Val's until he got confused in his late 90s, it has worked beautifully. There isn't any obligation, just two-way love and support The phrase mutual respect comes to mind and it's looks to me like we are a generations before entitlement became the operative word. Still  don't see my grown grandchildren doing that or their kids...who are now in college. I wonder why it strikes when and where it does.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

stilltryen

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Re: Sometime I wonder
« Reply #13 on: January 09, 2011, 01:18:36 AM »
Hey Luise, I read your post about the retirement center and had to laugh.  I just talked to my cousin this morning and she was saying that her in-laws have packed and moved from North Carolina to Phoenix to live in the area close to them.  (They're staying with them in the meantime, which, so far, is okay.)  However, she said they're looking for a 4,000 square foot home, in the Phoenix area, a rambler, all on one level.  I said, "Really?  How old are they?"  She said, "In their late 70's, and FIL can barely walk!  He kind of shuffles everywhere."  They've tried to talk them into one of the many excellent retirement places down there, where they have huge clubhouses, lots of activities, golfing, etc., but nope, frankly, they just don't think they're "old," so don't want to move there!!!!  She also had no clue why in the world they would want 4,000 square feet for just the two of them.  Sigh...........
« Last Edit: January 09, 2011, 08:15:21 AM by luise.volta »

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Sometime I wonder
« Reply #14 on: January 09, 2011, 08:16:18 AM »
Yup, that's the one! "If I don't go there...I ain't one!"
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama