Author Topic: What a difference a new DIL can make!!  (Read 2933 times)

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2chickiebaby

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What a difference a new DIL can make!!
« on: October 17, 2009, 10:30:16 AM »
My elderly, but vibrant friends spent most of their lives with a son and DIL who made their lives a living H.E. double toothpicks.

The son, very wealthy and gorgeous, divorced his wife of 25 years after 25 years of her being controlling, not kind to his Mom and Dad and sister and just all around beautiful but "my way or the highway" woman.

He married a not as beautiful woman but just the opposite of the 1st one. She adores his family....you can't help but adore them....so sweet.  He adores her too and is so happy.

I am totally jealous of the loving relationship they all have.  The new wife is close with his sister, kind to his Mom and Dad and has made everyone's life like Heaven.

She has no boundaries, no rules for the parents....just love to give. 

What planet did she come from?


mom2

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Re: What a difference a new DIL can make!!
« Reply #1 on: October 17, 2009, 04:45:31 PM »
chickiebaby,
 
It makes me so happy to read that your friends have found peace again. Even though they went through all that with wife #1 they were able to look past it and accept wife #2 . I just wonder how they did it because if my son were to remarry now, I know I would never allow him or his new wife close enough to hurt me again. Trust is gone.


2chickiebaby

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Re: What a difference a new DIL can make!!
« Reply #2 on: October 17, 2009, 09:40:00 PM »
I need boundaries.  I need them badly...the way we've been treated by this woman should be a crime.  We're parents, not criminals, not children who need chalkboard rules.  We're to be cared for and loved, not treated with a list of 'do's and don'ts'.

This whole thing is out of hand. It's reserved just for his parents and I go back to my first statement because I know it's true....I really believe, at least in my case that we were targets to be eliminated from the beginning.

You don't know us in person, in real life.  You don't know the admiration from people that we know or the love and laughter we've shared with our son's friends. You don't know how many people wished they had had our home.  These are just words to you because you don't know.

You, as young women think you need boundaries but we're the ones who need protection from predators.  They're dangerous.  There was no book for us to follow, just our hearts set out there to be trampled on and nearly killed and for what?  What was the reason that all these cruel things were done? 

I think of my friend who ran in, so thrilled to have a grandchild and said what the DIL thought was unforgivable...."my baby, my baby."   That woman, that mother has never been able to see her grandchild again.  Her son allowed his wife to keep that child from his mother for saying, "my baby". 

That's how screwy a DIL can be....we don't want your baby.  We want to love your child.  We don't want to take over your life, we want to be a part of your lives.  Some of you don't know that you've thrown out the best Grandparents God ever sent.  We wanted to love you but you took it as possessing you. 

We're the ones who needed your book, "Boundaries".   

just2baccepted

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Re: What a difference a new DIL can make!!
« Reply #3 on: October 18, 2009, 12:39:06 PM »
The book at called Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend.  Check with your library first and then check Amazon if you can't find it.  Its a very good book and can apply to anyone with these issues.

Offline luise.volta

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Re: What a difference a new DIL can make!!
« Reply #4 on: October 19, 2009, 01:22:38 PM »
I think some people don't need to even think about boundaries and are naturally very respectful and some can't even spell "boundaries!"

It can work in reverse and not be about you running all over someone...if can be reflected in letting everyone run all over you.

I feel like I had to take a six year course on how to say "no!" ;D
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Boundaries
« Reply #5 on: October 19, 2009, 01:25:33 PM »
I think some people don't need to even think about boundaries and are naturally very respectful and some can't even spell "boundaries!"

It can work in reverse and not be about you running all over someone...if can be reflected in letting everyone run all over you.

I feel like I had to take a six year course on how to say "no!" ;D
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

2chickiebaby

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Re: What a difference a new DIL can make!!
« Reply #6 on: October 19, 2009, 01:44:25 PM »
I wish I knew how to find a course in how to say, "no".  I am getting so worn out. 

I have a question for anyone who will answer: For all these years I have given DIL a present for everything, Birthdays, Christmas, etc.  She never gives me anything...for any occasion....or gets on the phone to tell me HB, nothing.

I've always said that I won't allow myself to stoop to her level so I send her gifts.  Course, at Christmas, she wants her kids to get gifts and I resent it more than you know.  These are the kids who can't come here because of the dust. (maid once a week, please!)

One year I gave her the same amount I did the other DIL and she saw the check (this is for them to buy our gifts for each child)  I forgot to add an addtional amount for her new child and heard thru the grapevine that she was furious. I immediately sent the addtional amount.

She has ruined our lives and I keep giving her gifts.  I detest her, I really do...Prissy says she has the longest fingers in the universe. She could scratch her head from the next room but I would never say such a thing! 

 Should I still give her gifts? 

Offline luise.volta

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Re: What a difference a new DIL can make!!
« Reply #7 on: October 19, 2009, 01:47:38 PM »
NO!
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

2chickiebaby

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Re: What a difference a new DIL can make!!
« Reply #8 on: October 19, 2009, 01:55:03 PM »
Not giving her gifts will make son mad.  Is that okay??

just2baccepted

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Re: What a difference a new DIL can make!!
« Reply #9 on: October 19, 2009, 08:32:29 PM »
One year I gave her the same amount I did the other DIL and she saw the check (this is for them to buy our gifts for each child)  I forgot to add an additional amount for her new child and heard thru the grapevine that she was furious. I immediately sent the additional amount.

I certainly would not have sent the additional amount.  She acted tacky and then you gave in to her tackiness.  I really like what Dr. Phil said, "you teach people how to  treat you." Amen to that one.  I've never forgotton that statement.   And no I don't' think I'd give her gifts anymore.  And I wouldn't worry about how your son feels because what's the payoff?  She's not going to be nice to you either way right?  You might feel a little better about the situation if you could feel like you're able to hold on to  your dignity and not let DIL take that from you.

2chickiebaby

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Re: What a difference a new DIL can make!!
« Reply #10 on: October 19, 2009, 08:41:00 PM »
okay...I'll try.  It's so hard for me, though. The gifts for birthdays was just to let them know they mean something to us.  If she doesn't even acknowledge them, I guess it's fruitless.  Son will be hurt, I know he will. 

The first time they came to town and I found out they were not staying here, I almost cracked up. I was crushed.  Son told me that it didn't make any difference where they stayed. (he mimicks what she tells him)

She tried to turn my sorrow into saying I was manipulative and needy. 

Other son and DIL do not want them there so I don't know what they will be doing at the holidays.  I dread them like the plaque. So many people, strangers off the street that I'd rather spend the holidays with.  I hope they only come here for the gifts and leave. I can't take it.

just2baccepted

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Re: What a difference a new DIL can make!!
« Reply #11 on: October 19, 2009, 08:54:22 PM »
Anna I hate to bring boundaries up again but I wanted to clarify my defintion and causes for needing boundaries.

I think that boundaries sound upsetting to you because your DIL has put up unreasonable "boundaries"  I had an uncle that would come on to me sexually and if I had not put up boundaries he would have had me back in his bedroom in his bed.  And then my sister, who has a drug problem used to come over to my house and look through my drawers looking for Loritabs(from my wisdom teeth removal), I had to put up boundaries by not letting her into my house anymore.  I was married now and  I had to think about my new Hubby.  Plus it was disrespectful for her to do that to me.  For me I needed healthy boundaries because I came from a domineering invasive family.  So I'm just saying that not all boundaries are bad.  Because like I said if I hadn't put them with uncle he would had me in the bed with him.

I know pretty sick family huh??  I keep telling myself, we can't pick our families!

Offline luise.volta

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Re: What a difference a new DIL can make!!
« Reply #12 on: October 21, 2009, 02:08:47 PM »
I can only see one thing to give you any peace...your son has what he wants, Chickie. He may be different but he picked this path and he's sticking to it. He may look miserable to you but you have said he loves your DIL and their kids. You see him as doing a great job. For whatever reason...this is the role he has picked.

It's nearly impossible to get that it isn't about you and your lifetime hopes and dreams. All your plans. I can sure get that. He went off in another direction. But really, how he is acting...they are acting...is about them. How you react, the energy, time and focus you give it...is about you, don't you think? To not like things the way they are is an exercise in futility to my way of thinking.

I didn't want things the way they are were here. My 98 year-old husband is dying one brain cell at a time and I am on duty 24/7. I realized that whether I moved beyond not liking things the way they were and choose to find warmth, humor, enjoyment and adventure in this was up to me. 

I could move him to a facility...that's one thing I could do. But I am honestly starting to succeed in my search for warmth, humor, enjoyment and adventure. Who wudda thunk it? Nothing has changed except me. Perceptions are tricky, yet pretty amazing things.

I think of you and your struggle so often when I am struggling with all of this. I don't post as often as I used to for obvious reasons but I carry you in my heart.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

2chickiebaby

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Re: What a difference a new DIL can make!!
« Reply #13 on: October 21, 2009, 03:08:45 PM »
Thank you, Luise, he does love her and needs her.  He is a great father and husband and son once in awhile. 

I remember at first when she was so nice to me and I loved her so much, he said, "I'm so glad, Mom that you love her. It means so much to me."

It was easy to love her then.  I want and need peace too.  I'm learning and want to learn more.  I dread the holidays like you can't believe. 

I think you do great with your circumstances!  Bless you!