Author Topic: In need of advice again  (Read 3307 times)

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Offline Barbie

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In need of advice again
« on: December 18, 2010, 07:20:35 PM »
Hello everyone,

We've been following the advice of all you wonderful ladies to back off, we never mention DIL to DS since she has stated that she wants nothing to do with us, etc., well DS spoke to DH today and said DIL won't be joining on Christmas, DS will be coming with GD only, according to him DIL is upset because she thinks we don't care about her.

I personally am tired of all the drama but DH wants to continue putting up with it. I will try to do what it takes in order to keep the peace in the family, my question is, how should I proceed? It seems I'll never win no matter what I do. Advice please?

Offline Pen

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Re: In need of advice again
« Reply #1 on: December 18, 2010, 07:33:28 PM »
I'm sorry to hear this. In some situations we truly "can't win no matter what [we] do." My advice is to state once and for all that you do care about her, and then let it go. It's her drama, not yours (although it affects you.) I'm glad DS & GD are coming on Christmas...that's a start. You can tell them both "we miss DIL, but we're glad you're here" or whatever to reiterate your position and take the high road. If you feel the need to send her gift home with them, do so. Other than that I wouldn't dwell on DIL's drama - enjoy the day!

When a toddler tries that behavior the best way to deal with it is to remind them we want them to be part of the event, but if they want to throw a fit they can stay in their room. We don't stop everything to cater to them. In my experience the toddler soon realizes they're missing all the fun and opts to join in. I think the same method might work here. Her happiness is up to her, isn't it?
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Offline luise.volta

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Re: In need of advice again
« Reply #2 on: December 18, 2010, 07:34:41 PM »
To me, this is an issue between your son and his wife. They have to hash it out and my guess is that it doesn't have anything to do with you. I would make sure he knew the door was always open to her and assure him that you have no such feelings and move on. If she's making a game of it...and it is about attention, control or whatever, I would not play. Just my take...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline tryingmybest

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Re: In need of advice again
« Reply #3 on: December 19, 2010, 05:35:50 AM »
I've got to agree with Laurie. I would keep talking to both of them, and to your DIL directly. She sounds really insecure. I know the hardest part of dealing with the DIL issue is the feeling of walking on a high wire. Lord sometimes I long for the days when I could do things without thinking about everyones possible reactions.

1Glitterati

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Re: In need of advice again
« Reply #4 on: December 19, 2010, 07:43:42 AM »
Hello everyone,

We've been following the advice of all you wonderful ladies to back off, we never mention DIL to DS since she has stated that she wants nothing to do with us, etc., well DS spoke to DH today and said DIL won't be joining on Christmas, DS will be coming with GD only, according to him DIL is upset because she thinks we don't care about her.

I personally am tired of all the drama but DH wants to continue putting up with it. I will try to do what it takes in order to keep the peace in the family, my question is, how should I proceed? It seems I'll never win no matter what I do. Advice please?
Reiterate that she is welcome and it is her choice to come or not.  Enjoy your day with your son and granddaughter.

YOu can't make her come if she doesn't want to come.  I would keep extending the invitations thought.  HOnestly...if she doesn't WANT to be there...then it's best for everyone (herself included) that she isn't.  Be glad she's willing to let her child go to a place she isn't willing to go.  Not all people are.

SunnyDays09

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Re: In need of advice again
« Reply #5 on: December 19, 2010, 08:15:18 AM »
Hello everyone,

We've been following the advice of all you wonderful ladies to back off, we never mention DIL to DS since she has stated that she wants nothing to do with us, etc., well DS spoke to DH today and said DIL won't be joining on Christmas, DS will be coming with GD only, according to him DIL is upset because she thinks we don't care about her.

I personally am tired of all the drama but DH wants to continue putting up with it. I will try to do what it takes in order to keep the peace in the family, my question is, how should I proceed? It seems I'll never win no matter what I do. Advice please?
Reiterate that she is welcome and it is her choice to come or not.  Enjoy your day with your son and granddaughter.

YOu can't make her come if she doesn't want to come.  I would keep extending the invitations thought.  HOnestly...if she doesn't WANT to be there...then it's best for everyone (herself included) that she isn't.  Be glad she's willing to let her child go to a place she isn't willing to go.  Not all people are.

^^^^^This.  I agree.   There isn't any amount of gifts, words, cards,etc that is going to be the magic "thing".  And it is something the couple needs to discuss.  I feel your son should be willing to kindly bring it up to her that her actions are hurting those that care about her.  Maybe he can get the whole story out of her?  Until then, welcome ds with open arms and just let it go for now. 

cremebrulee

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Re: In need of advice again
« Reply #6 on: December 19, 2010, 08:33:06 AM »
If it were me, I'd call her and invite her to dinner...and stop going thru son, but make it a point to call her.  Let her feel that she is the one making the decissions and not son....if you want to know something, ask her...if you want to purchase something for GC...call her first and ask her...that way you make her feel that her opinion counts, and if she says no then honor it.  It's worth a try, you've got nothing to loose.  If she states that she feels she is not wanted, tell her, she couldn't be more then wrong, that your family isn't complete without her...she sounds like she is very immature and wants to be asked...but by all means, stop going thru son, ask her...might not work right away, however, she may turn around....you never know until you try...

When you go thru son with invitations, it probably does make her feel like she isn't part of the family....in the stead, ask her if she and her family would like to join you....I'm just guessing, however, to me, it would be worth a try.

Offline Barbie

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Re: In need of advice again
« Reply #7 on: December 19, 2010, 08:55:06 AM »
Thank you all, DH thinks either him or I should to talk to her directly, the reason I don't talk to her is because she told me not to contact her ever again via phone or email so I'm just respecting her wishes. In spite of this I texted her a few months ago on her birthday to wish her a happy birthday and she and DS got furious with me. It seems that she has a bigger issue with me than anyone else in the family so under the circumstances, should I still call her to extend the invitation or would it be better if DH does it?

Offline luise.volta

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Re: In need of advice again
« Reply #8 on: December 19, 2010, 09:40:39 AM »
IMHO: I still think she is getting way too much attention and that not growing up is paying off for her. Now she's casting herself as The Christmas Victim. She knows she is welcome. She already knows anything you could say to her. She's made you up to be the wicked witch of the west and scared herself to death. The issue is hers to address and when she is ready, to face...(or not.)
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

daisy

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Re: In need of advice again
« Reply #9 on: December 19, 2010, 10:39:44 AM »
Thank you all, DH thinks either him or I should to talk to her directly, the reason I don't talk to her is because she told me not to contact her ever again via phone or email so I'm just respecting her wishes. In spite of this I texted her a few months ago on her birthday to wish her a happy birthday and she and DS got furious with me. It seems that she has a bigger issue with me than anyone else in the family so under the circumstances, should I still call her to extend the invitation or would it be better if DH does it?

So she said not to contact her, but you did and her and your son got mad. For Christmas you didn't contact her and now she is claiming "no one cares" about her?  Personally, I would just leave her be then.  It sounds like there is just no way you can win with this person.  It also sounds like she is just looking for things to be upset about. Like another poster said, when your son and the kids come over,  maybe say it one time, "Sorry DIL couldn't make it, but I'm glad you and the kids came over" and have a great time. :-)


Offline Pooh

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Re: In need of advice again
« Reply #10 on: December 20, 2010, 06:30:41 AM »
I'm with Luise and Daisy on this.  She made a request and you are trying to honor it (ok, so one nice slip-up and she got mad).  I think no matter which way you go, you are not going to win with her.  She has made that clear at this point.  Enjoy your time with DS and GC and do not give her any more attention. 
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

holliberri

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Re: In need of advice again
« Reply #11 on: December 20, 2010, 07:22:47 AM »
If you honored her wishes, no worries! Tough to do, I know. Changing in response to her feelings about this would only inflame the situation, I think. What is that saying...dogs don't bark at parked cars? Keep your open door policy and keep honoring her initial request; you may just be in the very early stages of this transition. I think if you stay on the track, this problem will go away. She'll have to be "around" in order to feel more cared about. Invitations are all you can do.

Offline Barbie

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Re: In need of advice again
« Reply #12 on: December 20, 2010, 02:47:42 PM »
Thanks everyone. I really appreciate all the responses and I will enjoy spending whatever time I can with DS and GD.

Louise, what you said about her getting way too much attention already is so true and she knows she's welcome and my DS said to me not too long ago that she already knows anything I'm going to say to her. Thank you for opening my eyes. She has been playing me for a fool and i have done it to make my DS happy, she does the same thing to him but he doesn't see it, he's in love. DS also plays being the victim sometimes, I've made mistakes but believe me DIL has contributed to a lot of the problems.

Offline luise.volta

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Re: In need of advice again
« Reply #13 on: December 20, 2010, 04:02:30 PM »
Hang in there! Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

cremebrulee

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Re: In need of advice again
« Reply #14 on: December 21, 2010, 05:44:34 AM »
I didn't know that she said not to contact her...boy, what a no win situation....

However, I would leave it go this year...and never contact her, until next Christmas...leave her be....and then, next year, contact her and invite them all to Christmas Celebrations...but hard as it is...leave her alone, do not contact her and contact son at a minimal for the following year...

It sounds like her issue is with you....and yes, she sounds like a spoiled brat...so, comply with her wishes and see what happens in the year to come...

I'm very sorry this is happening to you....sad...sending much love and hugs....