Author Topic: My three adult children hate me.  (Read 15981 times)

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BROKENHEARTMOTHER

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My three adult children hate me.
« on: December 16, 2010, 03:51:54 PM »
This is my first time here. However, I should have come to this site much sooner. I was a single mother who raised her children with all the right Morales and values possible. I was uneducated, with a 8th grd education when the children's father and I divorced. At that time I knew I would not be able to raise these children flipping hamburgers at more than one job without getting educated. I worked 3 jobs and put myself through college and received a Social Work Degree; while doing what I thought was a great job raising my children. They were my focus as well as my drive to better my life. My children are now ages (girl) 38 (girl) 29 ( boy ) 26. I am Business owner and have respect for myself. Nonetheless, I found myself in the last few years ending up in abusive relationships where I was beat so bad that even bones were broke. I have also found myself allowing my brother to come stay with me while he attempts to receive Social Security and retire. I Had NOT SEEN MY BROTHER IN 23 YRS. yet find myself happy to assist him in his trying time. Now, my children were never supportive during any terrible event I went through and always blamed me stating to me " it was your choice" and  was my fault having putmyself in those situations. Recently my brother accidentally hot himself fooling around with his gun. It was a miner wound but still a gun shot. My children called the police, who read off the police report stating it was under investigation. OK, I did not shoot my brother and infact I refused to let him to continue to stay with me unless he sought out behavioral Health. e admitted himself into a Hospital for depression. Now with all that said, my children blame me for the beatings the gun shot and any other trauma in my life and refuse to have anything to do with me. My daughter actually said to me  " you are dead to me" my son is leaving for Iraq next month on his 1st tour of duty and recently got married in a fairytale wedding in which I was not allowed to attend. My oldest Daughter simply won't speak to me as hard as I have tried. To be honest, I just want to know what I have done for these children to hate me so bad. Yes, I have put myself into some bad situations, but did not mean to. What happened to unconditional love? Not to mention just love your parents. I think of myself as a good mother and a better grandmother, yet I'm denied to be either. I have told people to put on my headstone that she died of a broken heart. And that will be the truth. Please tell me what to do. Or is it really me?
Brokenheartedmother; Many thanks for whomever took the time to read this post.

SunnyDays09

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Re: My three adult children hate me.
« Reply #1 on: December 16, 2010, 04:35:20 PM »
 You sound like an amazingly strong willed woman to me and welcome to wisewomenunite!!  Don't let the cruelness of another diminish what you have worked so hard to attain.  You endured some pretty difficult times without their assistance and I think you will do fine without them in your life. (If it comes to that, which it might and you must address the decision)

You have every right to set boundaries with those that do not support you.  Make them clear.  I would NOT go on hurting myself trying to please those people who were once very close to me...I have no contact with my only son since 2004 and haven't regretted it.  It was a very difficult decision to make, but my health depended on cutting these harmful and toxic people out of my life.  You may have to as well.

You are a kind soul by what I have read.  You have much to give those that need you.  Maybe you could volunteer to help with stray animals, read to children in a hospital or library, deliver meals to people.  Find something that you enjoy.  Dance lessons maybe?  Go out and enjoy YOU.  Don't let these people drag you down.  They sound just dreadful to be around.  Until they are ready to treat you with the respect you deserve, don't give them the time of day and don't be hurt by their actions.  Go do something nice for someone or for yourself.   Take charge again and keep smiling!!!

Offline Pooh

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Re: My three adult children hate me.
« Reply #2 on: December 17, 2010, 08:33:53 AM »
Welcome BHM and keep coming here for support.  We all made mistakes as Mothers, we are human.  But if you can honestly say you tried your best, then you owe them no explaination or apologies.  They are going to be who they are, and believe what they want to believe.

Putting yourself through school, and being a business owner is a great accomplishment.  Pat yourself on the pat for all the "right" things you did and give yourself a break about bad decisions.  We all make them.  It's the learning from them part that makes us better people.

Big hugs!
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline luise.volta

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Re: My three adult children hate me.
« Reply #3 on: December 17, 2010, 10:07:02 AM »
Well, I took the time to read it and I think you have done a great job with your life under very difficult circumstances. I have yet to experience "unconditional love" except from my dog, (I'm serious), and I am unable to give it. There is always a line that is drawn, whether real or imagined...in my experience.

What your kids do is what they do and you have nothing to say about their choices as adults. You certainly don't have to accept their choices as well-founded but they have the right t make stupid ones. You were a whole and fine person before you started parenting and went down that road. Now, to my way of thinking, it is time to reclaim you life and move on beyond abuse...even that of your children. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

BROKENHEARTMOTHER

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Re: My three adult children hate me.
« Reply #4 on: December 18, 2010, 12:35:13 PM »
 :D I just want to thank everyone here who has responded to my broken heart story. Ladies, Thank you from my very heart and soul. I have no one to talk to about these things and have had no real way to vent. God Bless all of you. Your advice is something I knew with all my heart, but find it sooooooooo hard to do. dailey I wake up and say today is the day I will start living for me. However, as the day goes on and I find myself alone wishing and praying I could talk to one of my children. yet, I don't. I have been strong in that way.  instaed I simply pray. I am always alone due to the hours I work. Which makes it even harder. I wish my children would just tell me what they think I've done.... so I can try to defend myself. But at this point what does it matter. There is a point of no return.........and I think I'm there. So yes ladies I will attempt to live for me now. You know, what drove me to work so hard before was knowing I wanted to be the greatest mother ever and make sure my children never did without.  What is my drive now? I have found myself going days without getting dressed, or cleaning the house, or answering the phone or door. I have drug myself into the deepest whole on earth and now can't find my way out. What's the use? My normal weight is 110 5ft and now I'm 145 and feel so bad I won't leave the house.  I do have some ideas and have followed through with one of them. I have decided to continue to run my business, but obtain a job at Social Services as well. This would put me around a whole different type of people and possiably supportive people. But staying busy is what I need to do. Please pray that I get the Job on Monday that I am applying for. I would be so greatful. I will keep in touch with you lovely ladies and if you don't mind me saying.....my new friends
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!!! Again Thank you so very much!!!!

Louey0727

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Re: My three adult children hate me.
« Reply #5 on: December 18, 2010, 01:14:11 PM »
Welcome BHM:
I think everything has been said from all the wonderful ladies in their posts so far.
Do not try to analyze what you did wrong, it is like beating a "dead dog".  As far as I can comprehend from your post, you are a wonderful super person.  Your achievements and your drive to make a better life for your children, is commendable.  Be secure and happy within yourself knowing you made a better life for your children.
If you want appreciation and thanks.  We thank you for joining this forum and appreciate you sharing your story with us.
I congratulate you on all your hard work and you intentions on getting a job with Social Services.
I would ask all the wonderful ladies out there to pray for BHM that she get's the job on Monday.
Best Wishes and I will pray for you.

Offline luise.volta

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Re: My three adult children hate me.
« Reply #6 on: December 18, 2010, 01:19:32 PM »
Amen! Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Faithlooksup

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Re: My three adult children hate me.
« Reply #7 on: December 24, 2010, 03:41:41 PM »
Dear BHMOM,  Welcome to WWU!!! :)
As I read your post it brought back memories to my very 1st post on WWU...Luise answered my 1st post with this:"I will tell you what you did wrong, you did not do anything wrong at all..."  I will always remember that so I had to share it with you.... You have not done anything wrong at all~really and as of today I want you to promise me you will stop beating yourself up, (we are good at that I know!)

YOU have done amazeingly well so be proud and loud and you raised your 3 children on your own, you did the best you could do.  Yes, we have all made mistakes along the way, and yes we probably wish we could all go back in time and take away this, and take away that--but we cant...  There was no perfect "Parenting Manual" book out when we were raising our kids, and as far as Dr. Spock goes---well thats another story in its self. ::)

So, Ok you were in a bad relationship and had some trouble with your brother~~that is life--but as long as we learn from our mistakes and do not repeat them--we have then earned our badge of Glory...

I know it hurts more than words can say how your children have walked away from you--we are all going thru that and maybe someday we will find the answer.  However your children have to grow and learn from their mistakes as well and they will.  They will walk down that road of life and trip, fall, stumble and hit many dead ends and then perhaps they will stop and realize all that you "their Mom" went thru, and did for them.  It is then that I believe they will look in a mirror and face reality of how harsh and judgemental they were towards you...But, that is simply my humble opinion...

If I may suggest being you are new, 2 books which I have found helpful.  1~When Parents Hurt by: Joshua Coleman PhD..  2: Boundaries by: Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend.
These books have a lot of insight in them and may help you in many ways.

Its time to let go of your children~~do keep the lines of communication open, let them know the door is forever open...Give yourself a HUG, shake off the dust and move forward into your new adventure and journey in Life which is awaiting you...

We are here when ever you need us... HUGS, Faith :)

Offline Keys Girl

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Re: My three adult children hate me.
« Reply #8 on: December 30, 2010, 02:21:48 PM »
Dear Brokenheartmother,

Unfortunately, no matter how hard you try or work, and do your best, somethings things don't work out the way you had hoped or planned for.  My aunt says "That's life".

If your children hate you, leave them be to wallow in their misery and their miserable lives.  There is always a choice to be miserable or to do something about it.  That choice rests in the individual, not the individual's parent. 

Here's my advice - forgetaboutthtem and get on with the next chapter of your life.  Take the love, dedication and find another focus for it, whether it be children, a pet, or helping the aged or some other new endeavour, like traveling by bus across the USA.

As a former single mother I know that there seems to be a special punishment reserved by their children and the disdain of smug spouses and other people which is undeserved, being the person who worked nights and weekends to put food on the table, clothes on his back and toys in his hands.  Not much of a reward, I know, but you don't have to keep them kids anymore if they treat you badly, they are adults, unfortunately too late to give them up for adoption.

You did your best and don't allow anyone else to tell you it wasn't good enough. 

Oh, and as for those children, well, I would encourage them to have a dozen grandchildren that you don't see, times are tough, jobs are hard to find and perhaps this younger generation that is so smug and hostile may just get a taste of what it's like to bring up their own children when they aren't sure if they will have a job the next day or know the special agony of walking into a grocery store with a hungry child and less than $10 in your pocket.

Forget unconditional love, that was a generation or two ago....times have changed and unless you want to continue to be someone's scapegoat, you'll have to shut the door and let them go poison someone else's life with their anger and resentment.  Lock the door, (get a new phone number and don't give it to them).

"You are dead to me"........okey dokey smokey, have a party, burn a few old photos of them, bake a cake in the shape of a gravestone, ice it with your name and call a few near and dear friends over who will give you love and rejoice in the fact that you are still here, and if you brought up 3 of those little rug rats who have now grown up to be large and hostile rug rats, along with assorted wives and grandchildren, there isn't much you can't do about their bad behaviour and attitudes.   I know you expected you would be treated better, I know I did.  It's a huge disappointment, but it's not the end of your life, just the expectations of what you had that haven't and aren't ever likely to materialize.  It could be worse, it's not terminal cancer.

“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did so. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.”  Mark Twain

Sail away from those nasty rug rats, and explore, dream, discover and dream up a new Chapter to your life that will bring you joy and people who will appreciate you, and bake a "gravestone" cake every year, with a candle for each year that you celebrate yourself, your freedom, your own values and the joy that you bring to yourself and others around you in your new life.
"Today I will be as happy as a seagull with a french fry." Author Unknown

Offline tryingmybest

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Re: My three adult children hate me.
« Reply #9 on: December 30, 2010, 03:29:59 PM »
You know I don't know you Keys Girl but you are my frapping hero!!! ;D!!!! Have the happiest of all New Years!

cadagi101

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Re: My three adult children hate me.
« Reply #10 on: December 31, 2010, 03:02:12 PM »
These posts in reply to broken Hearted mother are just brilliant.  I hang onto all these fabulous ideas you put on the table.  Thankyou from me and literally hundreds of others.

BHM your posts are read by many many ladies many who are going through what you are now.     (Over 200 read your post ..check the home page) why???   because they can relate to your topic.   Yet only some members have the strength to post and that is because they are changing their lives and getting on with loving themselves and in sharing their sadness they are gaining strength.    Reading the books suggested are very helpful...I am reading "When Parents Hurt"  if you have access to the internet ebay or many book stores have it and quite inexpensive.   I just realized oh goodness dumb me ...of course you do how would you post otherwise.  So many great suggestions so far for you to improve your self esteem and self worth.  I have another which may sound a little trivial but tiny things can help if you are interested and at the moment don't feel ready to leave the house ..wait for it!!  crosswords...or if not able to concentrate well enough try a Find a Word or similar.  I have been doing this for a couple of months now and wish I had started 10 years ago because we do just keep searching for what fits for us and one day you find  it!!   I find it gets my mind of things that worry me and I can easily find 2-3 hours fade away and a bit of brain action never goes astray.

Good luck today and feel even better tommorrow. 

cadagi101

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Re: My three adult children hate me.
« Reply #11 on: December 31, 2010, 03:08:24 PM »
These posts in reply to broken Hearted mother are just brilliant.  I hang onto all these fabulous ideas you put on the table.  Thankyou from me and literally hundreds of others.

BHM your posts are read by many many ladies many who are going through what you are now.     (Over 200 read your post ..check the home page) why???   because they can relate to your topic.   Yet only some members have the strength to post and that is because they are changing their lives and getting on with loving themselves and in sharing their sadness they are gaining strength.    Reading the books suggested are very helpful...I am reading "When Parents Hurt"  if you have access to the internet ebay or many book stores have it and quite inexpensive.   I just realized oh goodness dumb me ...of course you do how would you post otherwise.  So many great suggestions so far for you to improve your self esteem and self worth.  I have another which may sound a little trivial but tiny things can help if you are interested and at the moment don't feel ready to leave the house ..wait for it!!  crosswords...or if not able to concentrate well enough try a Find a Word or similar.  I have been doing this for a couple of months now and wish I had started 10 years ago because we do just keep searching for what fits for us and one day you find  it!!   I find it gets my mind of things that worry me and I can easily find 2-3 hours fade away and a bit of brain action never goes astray.

Good luck today and feel even better tommorrow.


I have to ask BHM have you seen your doctor, do you get any counselling, anti-depressants may be very helpful for you

Offline JaneF

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Re: My three adult children hate me.
« Reply #12 on: January 01, 2011, 03:03:11 AM »
Happy New Year to everyone here! I agree with the post about just letting the adult kids go...enjoy your life and do not let them be the nasty hateful rug rats to you they are trying to be! Okay, so I changed the wording a bit...but the meaning is the same! We as parents who struggled to raise these unappreciative brats deserve better treatment than what we get, and I for one refuse to whine around and be sad and blue because they "hate me" for not continuing to "give to them"! Let them work as hard as I have instead of expecting the world (or me) owes them something, and always have their hand out instead of acting like a grown up and be willing to work 2 jobs if necessary, or doing without cable tv or a cell phone or expensive video games or eating out every day!!! I say let them struggle and MAYBE they will get some character, or MAYBE they will learn to appreciate what they themselves WORK for or EARN on their own instead of demanding to still be taken care of! This is my New Years resolution! The amount of money I will save by not giving to them so much, will make my life easier this year because I may not have to work twice as hard as I should at my age! The boundaries are set. If they want to call and be pleasant, fine. If they want to be nasty and ugly...they can call someone else who might give a hoot...but that won't be me! I have really been much happier lately because I refuse to play their games, and I have more energy too! This site has helped me to get stronger just by knowing there are others who understand these issues, and they offer great support! I wish you all much peace and happiness in this new year.

LaurieS

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Re: My three adult children hate me.
« Reply #13 on: January 01, 2011, 12:28:50 PM »
It's all about those personal boundaries isn't it.

Offline luise.volta

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Re: My three adult children hate me.
« Reply #14 on: January 01, 2011, 04:49:56 PM »
I just love you graphics! Bottoms up!  8)

Kirk gave me a Sony DSC-W350 digital camera for Christmas and as I was wading through the instruction manual and the icons and the software download to my PC and the "First Picture" and downloading it from my camera to my PC and THEN getting it over to my email to show him I could do it...(he has this fantasy of an indomitable mom)...I kept sobbing, "Laurie, Laurie... where are you?"  ;D ;D ;D
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama