Author Topic: I need help with my daughter in law.  (Read 4390 times)

0 Members and 2 Guests are viewing this topic.

mareluvsbrig

  • Guest
I need help with my daughter in law.
« on: December 16, 2010, 11:37:28 AM »
My husband and I are having terrible problems with our DIL because my son has no courage.  We have never inter-ferred with their marriage, we have loved both of them unconditionally and We just don't get why she is always so angry.  We have two beautiful grand children one who is 5 and one who is 6 months.  My son gets to bring them over but my grandaughter cannot sleep over anymore, because we gave her grapes and popcorn.  Now mind you she is 5 going on six and she had a mouth full of teeth.  She actually told us that in an email.  We could not believe it.   My husband thinks it because she hated her own father because of a divorce.  We have two other grandbabies and we try to do a sleep over at least once a month, with all the kids because one of our grandbabies live 45 minutes away and he is 5 also.    When she is not mad at me, she is mad at her mother.  Not to be rude, but she is 300 pounds and it seems to me that she is using her children for control over us.  I just don't get us.  Oh she also accused me of her almost losing her son when she was pregnant, because when her daughter slept over, she said that she got a cold from my house.  Now mind you she goes to school and she is watched by a babysitter with other children.  We were not sick and we did not give her daughter anything, but she is accusing me of she said in her email trying to kill her baby. 

My son said to us at least she is not mad at me.  I told him if he does not come for Christmas, we are going to be done with his family.  He said he cannot do anything about it.  Now mind you, he lives 1/2 mile away from my home.   We have always done a big Christmas with all my kids and their kids before all of this nonsense.

My mother and mother in law were great examples as how a mother in law should be and I loved both of them.  My mother just passed away in August, so I'm a little touchy about this situation and have no idea what to do.  She gave us ultimatums and we have abides by all of them. 

Please help.
« Last Edit: December 17, 2010, 10:32:35 AM by luise.volta »

Offline luise.volta

  • Global Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 8962
  • Luise Volta
    • View Profile
    • Wise Women Unite
Re: I need help with my daughter in law.
« Reply #1 on: December 16, 2010, 12:16:26 PM »
Step back, take a deep breath and calm down. They are the way they are and you have your work cut out to learn to accept that.  Don't try to make sense of the senseless. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline Pooh

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 5442
    • View Profile
Re: I need help with my daughter in law.
« Reply #2 on: December 16, 2010, 12:24:22 PM »
Welcome mareluvsbrig and so sorry you are going through all this.  I was unclear on one thing though, what does her being 300 lbs have to do with you thinking she is using her children to control you?  Can you explain what you meant by that please?
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

mareluvsbrig

  • Guest
Re: I need help with my daughter in law.
« Reply #3 on: December 16, 2010, 12:31:45 PM »
I have been reading about people who are very unhappy with their lives because of situations they cannot control.  She has told me before all this that she is very unhappy about her weight, and that she wished she could control that.  It was not to be meant as mean spirited and I do apologize for that.    I am also not thin, but I do love my life and I don't have control issues. She tries to control everthing.  My other sons are done with her as well.  I just feel so bad about it, because she is ruining her relationship with our son and his other brothers as well.  It not about just my husband and I. 

Offline Pooh

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 5442
    • View Profile
Re: I need help with my daughter in law.
« Reply #4 on: December 16, 2010, 01:09:09 PM »
Oh I knew you were not being mean, I was just trying to understand your thoughts on that.  Gotcha now!  Luise gave you great advice, take a deep breath and step away from the situation for a while and see what happens.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

holliberri

  • Guest
Re: I need help with my daughter in law.
« Reply #5 on: December 16, 2010, 01:14:07 PM »
Hi Mareluvsbrig,

I am very sorry you're going through this. I am a DIL, and I know it can be very difficult. I get very upset when my MIL doesn't follow rules I have in place for my children. Was she explicit in her diet requirements? For example, my daugther (5  mth old) is not to have peanuts for awhile, but MIL disagrees b/c that isn't what was done back when she raised kids.  I can only go by the information I have to go on today, and I recognize that it may be incorrect, but it is all I have to go on for now.  So, in that regard, my rules, however zany or ridiculous, are to be followed.

Also, I know you say that your DIL wants to control things, but telling your DS that if he doesn't come for Christmas you will be done with his family is a form of control. It is hurtful, and it is an ultimatum. I am guilty of the same thing, and my DH has told me that when I issue him ultimatums like that, it makes him feel obligated and it makes anything I wanted him to do that much more of a resentment. I don't think a Christmas spent as a result of that would be fun for anyone.  Try an open door policy; if they don't come, they don't come, enjoy yourself and be happy anyway. If they do...even better! Plus, you didn't feel like you had to do any arm twisting to get him over there.

Blending families isn't easy. Also, I might add, when I was pregnant, I got Shingles. Not knowing a thing about it, I immediately remembered my MIL had Shingles when she visited me a few weeks before that. I was very frightened and upset that she would expose me to that. However, after doing research, I was incorrect in that assumption, it is just a flare up of Chicken Pox which I had when I was younger (kinda). I believe that my being pregnant made my "pre-research" feelings all that more powerful...some things that we say when we're pregnant are a little over the top.

I'm sorry you're going through this.  I certainly hope e-mailing you isn't a habit of hers, as I think it is often thought of a nice way of addressing a confrontation, but when e-mails deal with tough issues the meaning may not be conveyed correctly. 

I will be thinking of you. Good luck!

MrsKitty

  • Guest
Re: I need help with my daughter in law.
« Reply #6 on: December 16, 2010, 03:55:05 PM »
Your DIL sounds like she may be difficult and she may be playing the control game.

I told him if he does not come for Christmas, we are going to be done with his family.

But then again, it seems as though you are playing the control game as well. I always find it poor logic to argue that just because something was always done a certain way, it should continue to be done that way.

I really feel that often in life we can be happy or we can be right. Which one is more important to you? Be careful about ultimatums--they can backfire on you.

SunnyDays09

  • Guest
Re: I need help with my daughter in law.
« Reply #7 on: December 16, 2010, 04:23:28 PM »
First,welcome to wise women unite, mareluvsbrig!!  I am sorry you find yourself here because of issues within your family. 


If you want to keep seeing your grandkids, ask the dil what her wishes are as for meals, snacks, etc.  Have her list as much as possible so there is no guessing.  If you are not sure, call and ask.  Try reassuring her that the kids best interests are the most important and you will abide by her wishes.

I wouldn't make any demands or threats on your son right now.  He's in a precarious place.

All I can suggest is that you meet as many of her demands, within reason that have to do with the childrens care and be as nice as you can be.  Don't give her any fuel to start a fire with.  For she holds all the cards -- YOUR GRANDCHILDREN.  And she can make it so that you never seem them again.

Tread carefully here.   Only you can decide whether you want to continue with your son and grandkids.  I think maybe you do.  Many of us are in  similar situations, but no two are alike.  We can only offer some support, suggestions and a hug or two.  The decision is up to you.  Is it worth not seeing the kids grow up?  Or, can you just try to meet her demands, as for the kids, as much as possible and be happy you get to be with them. 


 Good luck to you. 
« Last Edit: December 16, 2010, 04:55:21 PM by HappyDays09 »

1Glitterati

  • Guest
Re: I need help with my daughter in law.
« Reply #8 on: December 16, 2010, 04:51:33 PM »
My husband and I are having terrible problems with our DIL because my son has no courage.  We have never inter-ferred with their marriage, we have loved both of them unconditionally and We just don't get why she is always so angry.  We have two beautiful grand children one who is 5 and one who is 6 months.  My son gets to bring them over but Carly my grandaughter cannot sleep over anymore, because we gave her grapes and popcorn.  Now mind you she is 5 going on six and she had a mouth full of teeth.  She actually told us that in an email.  We could not believe it.   My husband thinks it because she hated her own father because of a divorce.  We have two other grandbabies and we try to do a sleep over at least once a month, with all the kids because one of our grandbabies live 45 minutes away and he is 5 also.    When she is not mad at me, she is mad at her mother.  Not to be rude, but she is 300 pounds   What does that have to do with anything?  and it seems to me that she is using her children for control over us.  I just don't get us.  Oh she also accused me of her almost losing her son when she was pregnant, because when her daughter slept over, she said that she got a cold from my house.  Now mind you she goes to school and she is watched by a babysitter with other children.  We were not sick and we did not give her daughter anything, but she is accusing me of she said in her email trying to kill her baby. 

My son said to us at least she is not mad at me.  I told him if he does not come for Christmas, we are going to be done with his family.    Always be prepared when you issue an ultimatum.  You may not get the answer you want.  I say that as someone who has issued one and not gotten the answer I wanted.  He said he cannot do anything about it.  Now mind you, he lives 1/2 mile away from my home.   We have always done a big Christmas with all my kids and their kids before all of this nonsense.  That's your tradition.  It's normal for married couples to create their own traditions.  Why are yours more important?

My mother and mother in law were great examples as how a mother in law should be and I loved both of them.  My mother just passed away in August, so I'm a little touchy about this situation and have no idea what to do.  She gave us ultimatums and we have abides by all of them. 

Please help.

Gram

  • Guest
Re: I need help with my daughter in law.
« Reply #9 on: December 17, 2010, 12:49:57 AM »
Holliberri, you sure sound like a DIL that is wise and assertive when it is necessary as a mother, yet compassionate about your MIL. You'll be a great MIL some day! I wish my DIL had your insights.

Mareluvsbrig, I imagine some of the comments here may seem firm and perhaps judgmental. My experience has been that the women writing here are really trying to help, and will use "tough love" when they feel it is necessary. I know I can get defensive when it doesn't seem like others really understand how upset I am, and it does not get me anywhere positive. When I am that way, I shut down and don't allow suggestions and wisdom to even get in for me to consider. You may not feel as I do at all, but I related that hoping that if you do, you will step back and take in what others have said here. It may not all be the best advice for you, but you can think it through and decide that.

I've sometimes had a difficult time shifting from being the mother of three small children that needed me to feed them, cloth them, comfort them, etc. Now when they are adults, while I have let go in many ways, I think as moms, we always have that tendency to feel like we know best, we have experiences and learned things that they could benefit from, and that we have "earned" some respect. That's how I feel sometimes. As much as that all seems logical, the other women here have proven to me that I'm not alone.....adult kids have their own ideas, and we only suffer when we try to bend them to our will. Seems unfair, mean, and immature on their part, but we don't have control. The sooner we learn that, the smoother our lives will be! I wish I could say I have totally absorbed all this myself, but the truth is I suffer greatly as you have been, but what I've said is the goal I am striving for.

May peace and acceptance wash over you,
Gram

Offline Pooh

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 5442
    • View Profile
Re: I need help with my daughter in law.
« Reply #10 on: December 17, 2010, 05:15:30 AM »
Not to be rude, but she is 300 pounds   What does that have to do with anything? 

Glitter, I asked her that and she answered 3 or 4 above yours.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline luise.volta

  • Global Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 8962
  • Luise Volta
    • View Profile
    • Wise Women Unite
Re: I need help with my daughter in law.
« Reply #11 on: December 17, 2010, 10:34:25 AM »
I just noticed that you used a name in your original post.  I removed it. It's or policy not to use names. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

holliberri

  • Guest
Re: I need help with my daughter in law.
« Reply #12 on: December 17, 2010, 11:53:44 AM »
Why thank you, Gram! I will have to see when the time comes; I'm definitely a work in progress. I guess we all are...  ;)

daisy

  • Guest
Re: I need help with my daughter in law.
« Reply #13 on: December 17, 2010, 04:52:11 PM »
Is it possible that the 5 year old has some kind of intestinal issue, like irritable bowel syndrome or diverticulitis?  People with diverticulitis are advised to stay away from things like popcorn (because of the kernel skin), fruit and vegetables with small seeds and skin (like grapes, tomatoes, and strawberries) and nuts because they can become lodged in the walls of the intestines and cause very painful infections.


Gram

  • Guest
Re: I need help with my daughter in law.
« Reply #14 on: December 21, 2010, 02:07:22 AM »
Daisy, I actually read recently at mayoclinic.com that a new study shows no corelation between eating seeds and getting diverticulitis. It just seemed to make sense that it did contribute to the problem, so doctors recommended staying away from these hard things that don't digest. Hope this helps!