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It is Easier for a Camel to fit through the eye of a needle

Started by GreatWhiteNorth, December 10, 2010, 02:36:32 pm

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December 10, 2010, 02:36:32 pm Last Edit: December 14, 2010, 04:11:43 am by GreatWhiteNorth
Then for a rich man to get to heaven...

I think I finally get how this can be.

The PILs are the most abusive people you will ever meet but they are also extremely wealthy people who have dangled the inheritance infront of their kids for their lifetimes. It is assumed that FIL will die first and that MIL will outlive him.

My DH is willing to submit my three children to these abusers, BIL is willing to do whatever MIL wants,  I even wondered why I can't just put up with her.

What would I be teaching my children if I was willing to do this, how would I be scarring them, teaching them that they have to dance around the dysfunctional pink elephant in the room and never ever admit who she really is.

note: edited for tmi


You probably need to talk about it. It's a very tough situation and you are between a rock and a hard place. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama



There's a saying that the money you get without working for it, from a rich spouse or relative you don't care about, is the hardest money you will ever earn.

I read some of your past posts to try and understand the "abuse" and one stated that your MIL is giving your child herbal remedies and raw potatoes and telling your child not to tell you and to hurry up and take them before you come into the room.

This could be very serious stuff and if I were you, from long years experience as a mother, I'd take up the entire situation with your pediatrician.  I would explain what is going on.  It's doubtful its true "munchhausen syndrome" because that generally involves a mother giving a child enough medicaments to make the child so sick as to be hospitalized or even come near death.  Having said that, you are in a very serious situation in any case as you do not know what happens behind your back.  If your child has digestive problems it's also a problem for a pediatrician, not a self-styled family "healer."

I'm generally in favor (as a person and a MIL) of very liberal policies toward grandparents but I have to say this one really goes beyond just giving excessive candy or sweets.  She sounds sick and in need of help.  I hope you'll keep your kids away from her no matter what the cost in the future of the inheritance.

Your husband has a problem with your MIL's control.  As this, too, could be endangering your children, you might consider seeking professional help for this problem as well.  He obviously isn't capable of seeing the forest for the trees.

You've questioned your own judgment, which happens when a group surrounds you and makes you feel you are wrong.  But I think your instincts are really right on.  If I were you, I would keep all my children away from this MIL until everything is completely resolved to your satisfaction.  You sound like a very good mother and you have every right to be very concerned.

Finally, it's easy to be caught up in wishing for an inheritance, even when your judgment tells you to cut it out. And it's so honest of you to admit that you have given in to that; who wouldn't, and especially in this economy, trying to raise three children?  But---there are many stories of people who waited out their lives for an inheritance that never came.  My aunt and uncle bought into some land in Alberta thinking there was oil on it.  Nothing happened, and both died.  Then they found gas on the land.  Both my cousins became rich, but how much time did aunt and uncle waste dreaming of riches they never got?  It's better to do right by your kids and move on with your life.  Money gotten from a person like your MIL probably won't feel good even if you do get it; let her play her power games with someone else.  It's also possible that once she sees you have lost your fear of her, things will change all the way around and in your favor.  The worst that can happen is that your children will be safer and you will sleep much better at night and spend your waking hours more productively.

Good luck,



My dad left me some useless stock in a defunct silver mine in Montana that his second wife left him when she passed on...(hat was left to her by her father. Then about 25 years ago, I was notified that the land was sold to a ski resort and I got what was a small fortune a the time...$38,000.  :D
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama


December 10, 2010, 04:36:54 pm #4 Last Edit: December 11, 2010, 12:02:25 am by GreatWhiteNorth
Kathleen- I have read about Munchausen Sydrome, Munchausen by Proxy and something called ficticious disorder. MIL might just fit into Ficticious disorder instead the Muchausen Sydrome, from what I understand the Ficticious disorder is along the same lines but not as severe.

Some background about MIL-
She self injures and is currently faking illness for attention. She has had unnecessary surgeries before as well.

That saying is oh so true, my DH does not see the cost he has already paid.


Why do you think that you will receive your mother in laws money.  I am leaving all of my wealth to educate poor kids.

Keys Girl

GWN, Have you considered getting a divorce, getting custody of the children and moving about 1,000 miles away? Drastic, I admit, but you are in a tough spot. 

Abuse is abuse and it doesn't end until the person who is the target of it makes it stop.  It's usually another battle to get some freedom and peace and quiet but life is a bit of a battle anyway, you might as well be fighting for some serenity and the freedom to bring up your children without these clowns and their constant dramas and interference.  Maybe a good divorce lawyer could sue your MIL for a pile of money (her inheritance) and perhaps help to feather your new nest for her grandchildren.

I'm sure there were many people who dangled the prospect of a larger inheritance in front of their children's and grandchildren's eyes.......some of them were Bernie Madoff's clients and were left with nothing.  They then had to rely on the generosity of the people they tormented or else get work at McDonalds saying "Would you like fries with that?" at the age of 75 or 80.

Good luck, you sound like you have a "good head on your shoulders" .........an old piece of advice I got a long time ago was "When in doubt, get out" but I realize this advice may not be what you are contemplating, but it is an option.
"Today I will be as happy as a seagull with a french fry." Author Unknown


December 11, 2010, 04:21:58 pm #7 Last Edit: December 11, 2010, 05:04:47 pm by GreatWhiteNorth
RobertBruce- It is more that MIL uses this promise to control her children, she is so twisted and warped that there will be some weird thing happen when the time comes. I just wish my husband would see that and stop letting it control him.

Keys Girl- I have thought about it, if I could do it again, I can say with 110% certainty that I would have not married this person. Putting up with his mother has not been worth it.

My DH does not get that I am his primary relationship at times, not MIL yet MIL acts as if her, FIL and her too sons are "family" and the spouses and grandchildren are mere outsiders that they have to protect their big pot of gold from.

You should see all the writing she leaves lying around about how to ensure and I quote "the spouses can not put their fingers on it", as if we are gold digging intruders that they need to hold hands and huddle around the fortune for protective purposes.

DH does not understand that MIL is going to eventually die and in all liklihood alot sooner then I will and what is he going to have left when she does. He just doesn't get that this is where his behavior where she is concerned is going to lead him.

And....yep....I bet ya anything he never gets the grand inheritance she promised him, she will of course blame me for the whole thing, so that she can haunt us even after she is dead.

My question is...if he never loved me that much to begin with, why oh why did he ever bother getting married to me. He should have just stayed married to mom.


I remember asking my first husband why he ever asked me to marry him, (18 years later,) if he'd never loved me and he said..."You were the most popular girl at the summer resort. It was a feather in my cap." Guys have some strange reasons. I bet her-holiness told him it was "time to get a wife."  :(
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama


Luise- I think that is exactly what happened, MIL had an endless sonny do list before I came along and I believe that him making her grandchildren was on there too.

That is why MIL acted like my DD was no more then a play doll created just for her to play with when she was born. MIL felt very entitled to her and when she was an infant even wanted to have a tug of war with me for my daughter while MIL yelled "mine"

Keys Girl

Great White North, I think you are outnumbered.  It's hard to fight a battle like this without your husband as an ally.  I would get some individual marriage counseling if I were you and that will give you some assistance and support when dealing with this kind of hostility.  Good luck!
"Today I will be as happy as a seagull with a french fry." Author Unknown