Author Topic: How involved?  (Read 1957 times)

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Kinzey

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How involved?
« on: October 12, 2009, 09:22:48 AM »
Hey everyone,
you were all so helpful in my last question so I wanted to continue with another one.
How involved should parents be in their married childrens' lives regarding the following because this is where the struggle is:
finances, grandchildren, career choices, medical, school, where we live.
Let me go into detail about some of these so I make more sense,
My in laws still put money in my husbands seperate account and question him on where he spends his money. I have gotten angry over this because I feel they don't need to know where the money is going and I don't want them having access to his personal account.
He wants to go into the milltary and they are dead against it. I want him to do it because its want he says he wants. They are sending us applications for police departments in their hometown so we can move back there.
They are pushing for us to move back near them. They are the only ones in their family who live there. I don't want to live next to either his or my family so we can establish a family of our own.
If I sound horrible or unreasonable to you please let me know and as mil's please tell me how involved you believe you should be in your son's life so I know how my mil is feeling.

2chickiebaby

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Re: How involved?
« Reply #1 on: October 12, 2009, 09:51:44 AM »
Why are they putting money in his account?  That seems way over the top to me.  If you both need this it would be one thing but putting it in his account only must feel very intrusive to you.  I can understand.

Is he willing to not take the money from them?  Sometimes when people give money they feel like they have a stake in what a person is doing.  That's why it's best not to do it or take it.

I'd ask him if he was willing to not take the money and tell them he is willing to live his life as you both want to do.


Kinzey

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Re: How involved?
« Reply #2 on: October 12, 2009, 10:19:53 AM »
We don't need the money because we both work full time. They just do it because they feel like it. I have asked him to tell them to stop but he just never does. I feel as long as they do this they will try to have some control over him.

2chickiebaby

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Re: How involved?
« Reply #3 on: October 12, 2009, 10:31:31 AM »
He really needs to be the one to tell them to stop.  If you do it, it will cause big problems....I guess you already know that. :)

It will only cause problems between you two if it continues, I think, especially since he won't tell them. 

just2baccepted

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Re: How involved?
« Reply #4 on: October 12, 2009, 10:38:13 AM »
Oh boy you certainly have a big problem on your hands don't you.  I'm 35 and have been married for 12 years.  My IL's are controlling with their other daughter like this but not with us because we put up boundaries.  I would like to recommend a book to you called Toxic Inlaws by Susan Forward.  You can buy it at amazon.com or I would just check the library first because that's where I got mine from.   Chapter 4 is called The Controllers.  I think you will see some similarities in your situation.  Just from what I've read some parents see the best way to control their children is with money.  If your IL's are keeping your DH under their control through financial means it may be quit difficult to wean away from that.  Simply because if you're dependent on their money then this will be very difficult to get away from.  Because if you tell the IL's that your not going to tell them what you're spending the money on then I"m sure they will threaten to take the money away.  This way they feel they have a right to intrude in your lives.

The only way you can break from this control is to not accept the money anymore and just take care of your own finances.  I know it must be nice having the extra money but unfortunately that extra money is going to come with a high price and you may have to decide if you're willing to live with the IL's dictating your life and then having that extra money.  Personally I would rather pay my own way and be free.

I'm am telling you that your IL's only have as much power over your lives as you give them.   I'm going to be blunt but when I read this post I saw a huge red flag.  If you & DH don't put down some healthy boundaries and you both continue to let IL's call all the shots then you're going to be miserable and the marriage may not last.  If you think they're controlling now, just wait till you have kids.  They'll be raising your kids.  Your DH will probably raise the children's according to what his parents want if he doesn't start learning now to say no to them.

And regarding to the moving thing, oh my gosh, if you give in to that and move near them I would think their grip on you will get even tighter.  Think about it, why would they want you near?  My DH and I moved further away from my IL's and moved closer to my family and their was plenty of pouting, anger, withdrawing of love, and violent outbursts of anger (when we weren't around, according to my SIL) but we've lived here over 6 years and I guess the IL's have slowly accepted it, I really dont know for sure.


Here's one other book that I read as well that really helped me. It's called Boundaries (When to Say YES When to Say NO To Take Control of Your Life
by Henry Cloud and John Townsend.  As a Christian I always felt like boundaries were evil and that I was hurting my family or IL's by having them.  This book addresses those feelings - for those of us who were brought up to not really have boundaries due to "their Christian duty."  Now I don't' feel like God will be angry with me if I put down healthy boundaries with my family and IL's.  Self help book really can be helpful.

AnnieB

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Re: How involved?
« Reply #5 on: October 13, 2009, 07:29:20 AM »
If they won't stop putting the money into the account, perhaps you could start a college fund for future children and stick the money in there...and tell them it's there, thanking them for their contribution :)   

Hopefully by the time any children are ready for college, the inlaws will finally be mature enough or busy enough to let them decide where they are going.   :) 

Just a thought...

As to us being able to tell you how your MIL is feeling by telling you our feelings, I don't think it works that way!    She's her and we is us.


Offline luise.volta

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Re: How involved?
« Reply #6 on: October 13, 2009, 09:19:06 AM »
I don't think the in laws or their money is the issue...they are just symptoms of your DH's dependence or he would draw the line. That's what needs to be addressed. I think the idea of a saving account for future college for future children is great. But...ah, there that word...but will your DH leave it there and not touch it? See, you're right back into facing his dependence. He has some serious growing up to do...so beyond being a marital problem, it's basically a personal one. Would he consider counseling? It is sometimes hard to pull away and stand tall. Sometimes with controlling parents it's nearly impossible. The military may be a great way to go. Leaving home doesn't make a person an adult and neither does getting married. It's a process and it can be extremely difficult if there are those who are trying to defeat it. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama