Author Topic: Need advise - baby on the way  (Read 1353 times)

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Offline stilltrying2010

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Need advise - baby on the way
« on: December 10, 2010, 05:31:14 AM »
Hi all - DIL here who needs some advise.  I've been reading several other posts trying to get better perspective onwhere my ILs are coming from, mistakes I am making, etc.  Anyway, we are expeting our 2nd child (our older daughter will be 5 1/2 when the baby is born).  Many people post about how mat. gps allowed but pat gps not.  I am NOT trying to cut my husbands family out of our lives although we do not relate well to eachother.  However, I have several concerns:
ILs overstay - usually 2-3 wks.  Since we do not have a comfortable relationship, after about 3 days all the small talk is "used up". I end up doing everything while they are "guests", which they are but 3 wks of cooking, cleaning, chauffering, coming up with things for them to do (90% of which they shoot down)... never to even once hear a thank you or we'll make dinner or cleanup & I begin to feel like a hotel. (this was true even with the birth of our 1st child)
ILs are in poor health - both MIL & stepFIL have multiple conditions ranging from congestive heart failure, diabetes, chronic pain and MANY more take lots of meds some strong pain killers.  I do not feel comfortable leaving our DD with them alone.  MIL has trouble walking on stairs (16 to our upstairs)
ILs are judgmental - when DD was born they criticised everything, what her belly button looked like, how much I held her, wasnt I ever going to leave the house.  MIL compares EVERYTHING to GSIL - just gets tiring.

All this being said, I am struggling with what to do when this second baby is born.  My DH asked MY parents to come to help with our DD... altho she is pretty self sufficient & we have lots of good friends to help us. Even though my DH has asked my DP, DH has made comments about askng his DM to come saying eh'll just tell her she has to help if she comes (that should go over well) and another comment about buying them airline tickets for xmas (DH travels for wk & has ff miles). So I am getting the "hint" he wants her here.

My parents would stay maybe a wk & would cook, clean & help.  However, this will be perceived by ILs as just another slight from me against them?  Also we live in the SOuth & it is REALLY hot here then & ILs can't stand heat.  I just don't know what to do. I am considering having friends watch our DD & my DH just take off work to be with her during my hospital stay. Then we can all adjust as a family together instead of with my DP here (making the ILs mad) or the ILs here (driving me crazy).  Or is this just going to make everyone mad?  I am at an impasse. 

Any thoughts?

Offline Scoop

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Re: Need advise - baby on the way
« Reply #1 on: December 10, 2010, 05:47:02 AM »
You are not responsible for the IL's reactions.  You have to do what's best for YOUR little family.  And the change from 1 to 2 is very hard (even if the older one is almost 6).  So ask your Mom to come and help you out.

However, it would be generous of you to also invite MIL to visit, sometime later on.  Give yourself a few weeks/months and plan it so that everyone is comfortable.  If they're uncomfortable in the heat, invite them to come later in the fall (which also gives you a bit more time).  Make sure that their ticket is booked for 1 week only.  Tell your DH that you WANT to have a good experience with them, but if they stay longer than 1 week, it will make you resent them AND him.  Ask him to take some time off so that HE can entertain them (and DD) and help out.  I think that these are fair conditions for their visit.

Faithlooksup

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Re: Need advise - baby on the way
« Reply #2 on: December 10, 2010, 06:10:29 AM »
Hi  Stilltrying!!! :)  1st congrats on your 2nd Baby to be!!!  I do agree with scoop's post...Do have your Mom stay with you vs. friends.....As far as IL's go, simply tell them it is just to hot (weather wise) for them to visit now, nor are you up to cooking nor cleaning for everyone at this point...  Perhaps they may want to hold off until the weather cools and you are feeling better...  Boundaries, draw your line....If MIL becomes jilted, simply state: I am sorry, I am just not up to a full house right now, I need my rest and so does the baby...and I promise I will call you as soon as I can...   

Take care and HUGS,  Faith

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Need advise - baby on the way
« Reply #3 on: December 10, 2010, 07:12:25 AM »
What would you like? You are the one who is going to be tired after pregnancy and delivery and are going to have to adjust to sleep deprivation. What would be the most supportive thing you could arrange? Talk with DH about that and see if you can put the IL-pleasing priority list in a secondary position in your planning. It is your core family that is the most important and "the new mother" (even the second time around or maybe more so) is the core of the core family. Sending love...

P.S. I couldn't do the three days...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

cremebrulee

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Re: Need advise - baby on the way
« Reply #4 on: December 10, 2010, 07:16:34 AM »
you cannot control the emotions of others, and I'm sorry to say, 3 weeks is absolutely to long of a stay....at the most, 7 days, period and I'd make certain hubby understands that....you are not a hotel...or bed and breakfast.

Actually 3 or 4 days is sufficent, and it always amazes me how much people, especially older people take advantage of having a family member who lives in another state...they just assume that it's ok to take they're vacation while staying at this family members home instead of getting a motel.  If you cannot afford a motel, you shouldn't be going period.  But to put someone out for 3 weeks, is just plain rude.

As far as you and your children are concerned, I wouldn't feel safe leaving my children there with them alone either...they have way to many illnesses...and God forbid if something would happen, and I think, you and hubby need to sit down and create boundaries that YOU are comfortable with.  These are his parents, and he doesn't see them as they are, he still sees them as they were when he was growing up...and he needs a reality check.

Boundaries, are also needed here in a very bad way.....however, while you may not get along with them as well as you do your own family, you do need to put that aside and allow them to be grandparents...and share visitations...but ones that work with you...and perhaps your going to have to make more visits, but just not as long. 

wishing you well....

MrsKitty

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Re: Need advise - baby on the way
« Reply #5 on: December 10, 2010, 12:12:27 PM »
Your DH seems awfully sensitive to everyone's needs here but yours. Instead of hinting around the subject with him, if I were you I would sit down and create a negotiated, written out "post baby plan" that will make the two of you happy (or at least not angry  ;) ) .

Start with the dates of when you will be prepared to accept visits from people--your parents and his. I wouldn't be able to handle more than 3-4 days with visitors in my home, but that is me (my DH prefers even shorter visits with people under our roof--so that's not a problem for us, phew).

Then, negotiate the terms of how the visits will go.

Cleaning- I personally would tell DH that he is responsible for the preparations before his parents visit (cleaning the guest bedroom, bathroom, stocking the fridge, etc). I would create a list for him of things that need to be done. If he does not do those things, let them go undone--do not come in at the last minute to save the day.

Cooking- Create a day by day plan of who is responsible for what meal and also clean up. I would also leave the bulk of the meal preparation and clean up to DH when his parents visit. It sounds like your ILs have lots of health problems, which means you are probably also cooking special meals for them too, right? You can't just order out for pizza if they have heart problems and diabetes. You should not be cooking and cleaning up after three meals a day for 3 adults and two children. This is unfair to you and highly insensitive to your needs.

Driving around and planning activities- I think you know the answer for this one too. This should also fall under DH's list of responsibilities when his parents are visiting. Ask DH to come up with a written list of daily activities for his parents with any maps or telephone numbers or other materials they might need.

I think that you are making this way too easy on your DH. Of course he doesn't mind having guests in the house for weeks on end--you are the one doing the cooking, cleaning, driving, entertaining, planning and preparation (the WORK). You need to take care of yourself here, it doesn't sound like your DH is being sensitive to your needs as a new mother. Good luck.