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What Did I Do Wrong???

Started by Faithlooksup, November 28, 2010, 07:24:54 am

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Dear Friends, I am new to this site so please do bare with me.  So here we gooooo.
I am 57 years young..LOL  I have been divorsed for 22 years~my X is BiPolar if that can help in anyway.  I have 2 grown sons one is 30 the other 27.  I have a Beautiful daughter-in-law, 2 grandchildren ages 8 and 5.
My 30 year old son lives with his Father or vise versa.  My son has not spoken to me in 9 years now.
My 27 year old has not spoken to me in 4 years, he is the one who is married with the 2 grandchildren.  I have called and sent cards, however when you are ignored--you finially get the picture.
The X has always been a trouble maker and has allianated my Sons against me--Why???  I do not have an answer for that.  He is just mean, angry and vendictive... He is the one who walked out on us for he was haveing an affair with another woman.  I raised our Boys the best I could.  I dried their tears, I walked the floors with them, I went without so they could have.  Just, how do children turn against their own mother?  I did not teach them to be this way~~I taught them to Love and Forgive--what happened????    Can someone Please explain this to my Heart?????
I pray everyday for this to stop, and sometimes I get so tired of praying, I simply say to God--you know what is in my Heart.
How do they sleep at night with anger and hate in their Hearts--and just what example are they showing and teaching my grandchildren?
If you have any thoughts and advise to share with my hurting heart it shall always to treasured.
Thank You everyone.


Welcome and I hope you find some peace here. You are doing something terribly wrong and you need to stop it. You need to stop thinking you did something wrong.

We raise our kids and give them our best. We teach them our alues and steer them toward adulthood...and then they do as they please. Their decisions and attitudes reflect other input as well as ours. They're affected by other adults, teachers, friends, TV...you name it. And they sort through all of that with their own personalities and genetics.

We let go and hope for the best and wait to see how it all shakes out. And while we are doing that, we re-create lives for ourselves. You were fine before you became a mother. You can be fine again.

Looking at the injustice...because it certainly is that, takes us down. It can become bigger and bigger in our experience if we focus there. We look to self-preservation and survival. We stop trying to understand the non-understandable and we make new lives for ourselves. It's called self-respect and self-direction. Coming here for many of us is the first move in that direction. We let go and turn away from unresolvable circumstances and pain...accepting that it makes no sense and knowing we deserve better than that. Then, slowly, we start giving ourselves love.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama


Welcome to the site, you now have a place to vent and possibly find some answers from all the wise women here.
One thing to keep in mind, we are all going through some kind of torment to do with our children, you are not alone, so do not hesitate to ask for advice.
You are at the beginning of your journey with us, and if you have the time, read through past posts from mothers who are and were in such pain over the alienation from our son's or daughters and further loss of not seeing their GC (grandchildren).
I do not believe anyone can tell you exactly why these things happen with mothers, but they do and it is very common.
Sometimes, I believe, in my case, I loved too much, gave too much and took too much from my children.  If I received a crumb of consideration or a kind word or appreciation, I lavished it like it was winning the lottery.
The only advice I have for you at this time, is stay calm try not to dwell on these things, keep busy and be with the ones who love and appreciate you.
You did nothing WRONG, it seems like mothers are the ones who seem to be hurt the most.  Maybe it was meant to be - - God made mothers as he needed helped and God always answer mother's first.  This is what I have read and heard.  So I pray for the day that my pain eases up and I don't reflect on the situation every day.
It gets better, trust me.
Please stay here with us and please let us know if we can help.


Dear Faith,

Your son may be displacing his anger onto you.  I know this doesn't make sense.  Your ex is "mean, angry and vindictive" and walked out on his family for another woman.  It isn't safe to get angry at him; what else might he do?  No one knows, so why test it?

In our case, the son who cut off is adopted.  Just this weekend I read an Internet piece from a woman who was adopted.  She described her adoptive parents as "wonderful, caring, a fantastic childhood," yet she was angry at her biological parents for "abandoning" her.  When she had her child she would gaze at the child and wonder how anyone could give up their own baby.  Her anger got displaced onto her adoptive parents.  She stated she was completely unaware of this displacement for many years.

You are the "safe" place to go with anger.  Your son knows you won't abandon him, stop loving him, or hurt him because of the way he is acting.

Some people have more self-awareness than others.  (My other two sons describe the son who left us, and our DIL, as the "least self-analytical people we know.")  Some may go through an entire life and not understand their own anger or even who it is really directed toward; they don't have that ability. 

It's horribly unfair, but it is one possible explanation.  I hope this may help you to understand it, because I so feel that need to know "why," even as I struggle to give up on that quest.

Baskets of flowers to you; you sound like a wonderful parent.  He was lucky to have you growing up with such an irresponsible father, and one day he may well realize this.



Dearest Luise, Helen & Kathleen,
Thank You so much for your wonderful, wonderful advise which I copied and will read and re-read everyday, it is exceptionally more difficult with the Holidays here, for I have no one to share them with.
Blessings and Hugs to all.


well, here's your extended family!  8)
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama


Miss Understood

November 28, 2010, 05:16:23 pm #7 Last Edit: November 28, 2010, 05:18:42 pm by Miss Understood
Dear Faith....Lot's of great women here with the same situation going on. Me too. Believe me....I was a total basket case 6 months ago. Have my bad days now and then...but yes, re-creating my life with out DS as Luise has said. It's hard....I never give up hope and I pray endlessly. But once I got past the "I can't do it phase." I started doing it...with the help of the awsome women here. It's the truth when you hear that you did everything right and to the best of your abilities. It is not in your control or anything you did to make them do what they do. They just do. No foot print is the same and everyone deals with it different. I think the most important thing about all of this is learning to live with yourself and what you HAVE in your life at the moment and not living for what you don't have and what you want. It's a selfless thing we go through as moms. We always do for them...regardless and when we are cut off, there is no larger pain in our heart that we will ever experience.
I don't know much about your circumstances...for instance: Do you try to contact them? etc. Maybe you can share a little more of what sparked this and what you do to stay in contact with them. Do you have their addresses, phone #'s etc.? Do you have any communication or is everything just flat disregarded?

I have this thing with living right and treating others the way you want to be treated regardless of how they treat you. Not everyone agrees and that is o.k. too. You must figure out what works for you and do for you and not for what you think they want. I used to think, "if I call will they come back, If I don't call with they call me..." Then....I realized that I will do what I can live with, what makes me feel whole, good and grounded...and then....It didn't matter what anyone else thought. I had to look look at myself in the mirror everyday and that was the person I had to love the most. SO....Do what makes you feel good.

One more thing.....Affirm yourself. Daily!!!!! Everyone creates their own crutches...meaning we all blame someone else or another issue for why things happen in our lives. Take responsibility for what you do...when we take that step for ourselves and stop blaming others for where we are in our life...we can leave those crutches behind and walk with pride and dignity. Here's my short version of affirmation: I am and always have been a devoted, loving and caring mother, person, wife, daughter, sister and friend. I can't make everyone happy all the time and I will not define my being for what others think or expect me to be..... Write one for yourself, post it and read it everyday....YOU will soon live by those words and start to feel pride in yourself. You are a good person! Blessings to You  :)


Dear Miss Understood,  Thank You so much for your reply also...Hugs to you...I am sorry if I did not explain more--its just so long and wares me out...So here we go.
My 30 year old son and I have not spoken for 9 years--he has completely cut me off from his life.  He also lives with my x-husband who is BiPolar--why this living arrangement is this way--I have no idea.
My 27 year old son has no contact with me either, this has been 4 years now.  He is the one who is married and with the 2 Grandchildren.   I have sent cards and called and called.  I finially gave up a year ago--for it is quite obvious he no longer wants anything to do with me either, just like my other son.  It simply is a pattern.  My x husband is very bitter and vindictive towards me and has turned my sons against me.  Why and How I dont know, for he has contact with them and I do not.  He is the one who walked out on us, yet I am the bad guy here, not him.
Hope this helps...


MU, what a beautiful-powerful post! Watching you heal as been one of the high points of my life. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama


Yes, beautiful. FLS, you will heal too. I was crying my days away when I first discovered WWU. We may make a few wobbly steps forward & back, and even lose our way now and then, but this site encourages us to get right back up, dust off, and carry on.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb


Dear Faithlooksup,
Welcome to this wonderful site and all the wise women.  You will find lots of comfort here  as I have in the past few months.  I know exactly how you feel, my odd has shut me out of her life. 
Miss Understood - loved your post, especially the part about not being able to make everyone happy all the time.  I think because our children were at one time totally dependent upon us for their happiness, as well as everything else, it's hard not to blame ourselves, when they treat us badly.  I hope I can get to the place where you are.....Jill


Welcome Faith!
You'll like it here- even if you just stop in to read. The wise is strong in these ones!  


Thank You jomama!!!  Hugs to you...Faith


Good post MU, very inspiring.