Author Topic: OMG! It feels as if I have found the answer ( BPD)  (Read 1819 times)

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Mamaw313

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OMG! It feels as if I have found the answer ( BPD)
« on: November 14, 2010, 06:57:05 AM »
I haven't been on here in a while b/c my life has been so hectic with DS and his live in companion. A bit of background...the girlfriend referred to from here on out as g/f , has made our life a living hell since our granddaughter was born 7 months ago. Before Granddaughter was born, g/f had been in a relationship with DS 2 years prior. They actually lived together for a year. She met someone else at work and when DS found out, he kicked her out and she moved in with the new guy. DS was depressed at first, he dated a bit, worked every day and as a year went by, g/f started contacting him again. She begged him to take her back, she was sorry for how things happened and she then apologized to us for hurting him and begged for OUR forgivenes, which we told her that they were adults and the choice was theirs, not ours and we would support DS in his decision. She became very close to us again, and we treated her as the daughter that we never had. She acted as if she loved us and called us and came by even without DS. It was a GREAT relationship...we thought. Three months after they were back together, they make a come by to tell us that she is pregnant! We are happy b/c we know that our son loves her and there for a while, his diabetes was out of control and we didn't know if he would ever be able to have children. We supported them, emotionally and we were happy. They proceed to tell us that when they told HER Mother, that her Mother became very angry and cursed her out, told her that she never wanted to see her again, and that her life was ruined forever!( DS and g/f actually dated off and on all thru H.S. years and her Mother tried to have my son arrested b/c she didn't like him.When he was 14!!!! She said that he wasn't good enough for her daughter b/c she didn't hand pick him the way she wanted. Her daughter chose to be with our son, b/c she said that she loves him.)
   Well, all thru the 9 months of her pregnancy, DS and g/f were at our house every single Wednesday and Sunday, like clockwork! It was Great!!! We got to see our DS, and g/f grew extremely close to us. Since photography is my hobby, we took pictures of them together in front of our fireplace,  as her belly grew and we were waiting for the arrival of our first grandchild. She and I discussed how we would have so many pics of the baby that they would never have to pay a photographer! She was happy with that and I told her that I would start an album for granddaughter to have in the future to show her husband and children when she got older. G/F was happy with that, and excited! We talked about how having a little girl in the family would bring so much joy and happiness. Wev talked about how DH and I understood that it wouldn't be as easy to come up 2x a week, that we would settle for 1x a week or 1x every 2 weeks, just so we could see the baby, OR we could come by their house once every couple of weeks, to make it easier on them. She agreed and DS agreed. Happy times were coming....we thought.
     Granddaughter was born, we were not allowed to hold her, or feed her without g/f permission. G/f Mom was at their house 24/7 for 2 weeks after the birth of the baby. We watched as SHE fed and held the baby, but WE had to ask permission and be told "No" by g/f with DS sitting right there, never saying a word! After the baby was 1 month old, she started bringing the baby around and all was good. We got to hold our Granddaughter...FINALLY! They came up 2x a month until Granddaughter was 5 months old. G/f started smoking again, so she would go outside with DS and DH and I would tend to Granddaughter in the house.( It was summer months and extremely hot outside.) In the  months, I had only fed my Granddaughter 4 times and that is when G/f and DS fixed the bottle, I have never changed my Granddaughters diaper, ( that will make sense in a minute) and when Granddaughter would cry, I would take her for a walk in her stroller and like magic, she would stop crying. I NEVER left the sidewalk on my street, which is not very long. DS and g/f tried to get me to use their stroller, but it was too complicated and she would be staring at me the whole walk. I have a little umbrella stroller, that is simple, and she can look at the world, not at me!
     Out of nowhere, October 8th of this year, g/f calls my house, while I am at work, leaves a threatening message and tells us that she is sending a letter. In that letter she tells us that we are not to feed, change diaper, OR take the baby for a walk without getting permission from her! We are not to call or text DS, while he is at work, we are not to call or text DS when he is at home b/c that is his "family time", so in other words, she doesn't want us to contact him at all. DS told us that he wanted us to drop by any time to see Granddaughter, we are not the "dropping by" kind, but he said that was OK. We did that 1x and only stayed 30 minutes. In her letter, she told us that she thought it was extremely rude that we drop by. When we told DS about it, his response was, " She doesn't like that." When we asked if he told her that HE told us to do it, there was no response, he just said that he had to go. G/f also started the lie that I want to be my Granddaughters mother!!!! DH confronted DS about that and said that has to be THE most ridiculous thing that we have EVER heard of! We have looked so forward to our sons ( we have 2) getting married, having families of their own, and let us spoil our grandkids and send their little butts home! We have plans for when the boys are grown and moved out!!!! DH asked him, " What did you expect your Mom to do? Leave the baby in the house alone while we were all outside? That wasn't going to happen. She was being a Grandma and tending to her Grandbaby!" DS no longer calls us unless he wants something. He and G/f use the baby as a pawn to get what they want and make promises that we will see the baby and he will bring her to see us. That doesn't happen. Every weekend they take the baby to HER mothers house. We have not seen our Granddaughter in 2 months! Last week DS told us that he would bring her up and G/f had no problem with him bringing the baby to see us, just that she wasn't " comfortable" yet. DH, has stopped by twice to see DS and saw our Granddaughter for about 20 minutes each. G/f hid in another room, the whole time he was there! She is 21 and HIDES in her own house when DH has dropped by!!!
     At first, I thought that maybe it was b/c she was ashamed of what she has done to our family. We used to all be a very close knit family, until she decided that the baby was "property" and that was her way of getting DS to do as he is told. Today is my DS birthday, and for a week we have been talking on the phone about getting together, going to eat, and try to start fresh with the holidays approaching, so that we can all be a family again. We want to be a part of our Granddaughters first Thanksgiving and Christmas. I don't feel that g/f is going to allow that to happen. DH called DS last night to confirm what time we are to pick them up for lunch and he was going to bring the baby by for an hour this morning before we went, so that we could see her  and start building that relationship again. He told DH that he had to ask G/f and he would call him back. He never called. He told his brother that he was not going and for DH to just mail him a b-day card with some money in it. We feel that G/f had a big hand in that decision. WE have made the decision to let them go. The pain is too great to dwell on every single day and to speculate what we may have done wrong. We know now, that WE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG!
    Because I am always looking for answers to what the problem may be, I ran upon a post about BPD. Borderline Personality Disorder. I looked it up on WebMd and all the symptoms are there. The person that posted that, is my savior!!! I now have an answer to what is going on and it all makes sense. G/f family dynamic must have had some play in her disorder. Her Mom is VERY controlling, her Dad is an admitted drug addict. Her mothers emotions go from one extreme to another, g/f used to tell us that her Mom was very jealous when they would come see us and that she KNEW her mom was crazy! Her Mom kept taking her little sister who was 12 at the time to the Dr., until the Dr., put the child on medication for anxiety disorder!
    I am so sorry for such a long post, but the person that posted about BPD...THANK YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART! I believe that I now have my answer!

Offline JaneF

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Re: OMG! It feels as if I have found the answer ( BPD)
« Reply #1 on: November 14, 2010, 07:21:54 AM »
Sorry for your situation. BPD also can mimmick Bipolar disorder, and at times you can have co-existing disorders. A lot of times folks with these types of disorders are very narcissistic, and difficult if not impossible at times to get along with. From personal experiences with ex and kids with Bipolar and co-existing issues I can say I have seen mild examples and then WILD problems too! Some "mood issues" happen once or twice a year, some rapid cycle, some the seasons affect horribly...but I must add that with my DIL and DD, after the birth of their children they went off the deep end! This may possibly explain your DS's g/f! I am not a doctor of course, and it might be a good idea if DS has g/f checked by doctor...but she would probably refuse and make his life HARD, OR he would refuse to say and do anything for fear of her wrath. Odd how suddenly your DS's g/f went from good relationship with you to OH MY GOSH that quickly! I really hope it is another issue all together for you because if it is what you suspect or worse, this could be a hard road for all involved. Good luck with your situation.

Tara

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Re: OMG! It feels as if I have found the answer ( BPD)
« Reply #2 on: November 14, 2010, 08:20:45 AM »
"He told his brother that he was not going and for DH to just mail him a b-day card with some money in it."   This is amazing!

Mama  this sounds miserable, I can imagine how disappointed you must be.  One thing about BPD is that things can
swing from the person with BPD seeing us as 'all good"  to "all bad"  quite suddenly and they really don't have an emotional memory of all the good aspects of a person even though they might be able to recall it intellectually. 

Jane F    Mama, I also agree with Jane that bpd and bi-polar can look pretty similar.  and after a birth people there can be flareups
They say borderlines, bipolar and narcissists are in the 'dramatic spectrum'.  My son lived w/me only till he was 11(explained elsewhere in this forum) but as a result he developed Narcissism and it is so hard to deal with.  There is a great book I could recommend to anyone who is dealing with Narcissism called   "The wizard of oz and other narcissists". 
My therapist thinks my DIL is BPD and says that probably we will only have periods of time when we can relate to DIL and DS
and grandbabies well, it will not be consistent.

Take good care of yourself.



Offline luise.volta

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Re: OMG! It feels as if I have found the answer ( BPD)
« Reply #3 on: November 14, 2010, 10:15:24 AM »
I have a problem with our getting more clear by learning about medical/psychological diagnoses and, at the same time, our not having the training to go there. It's sure a tight rope to try to walk over a deep canyon. Sending love.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

LaurieS

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Re: OMG! It feels as if I have found the answer ( BPD)
« Reply #4 on: November 14, 2010, 10:44:46 AM »
Yes Luise, while I agree that no one here is licensed and trained to diagnose different forms of mental health issues, I can appreciate when someone such as Tara, is able to post a link or inform us about reading materials that she has come across.

With our unlimited access to information via the internet, I believe it is wise if everyone learns enough to be able to speak more directly with a health care professional.  Many of the women on these boards have repeated or used as an example, information supplied to them through their own therapist and counselors, I have found it useful.  At the same time board participants such as Tara have also stated that not all therapist are equal and that everyone should keep that in mind when seeking a specialist.

Of course your concerns are noted, I just wanted to say that I find much of the information about mental health care insightful... Laurie

Offline luise.volta

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Re: OMG! It feels as if I have found the answer ( BPD)
« Reply #5 on: November 14, 2010, 11:22:15 AM »
Yes, we just have to be careful.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline JaneF

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Re: OMG! It feels as if I have found the answer ( BPD)
« Reply #6 on: November 14, 2010, 03:17:34 PM »
Duly noted Luise, and thank you. I got that info directly from several doctors in that field, but I do know not all doctors and therapists are created equal. And since I have spent many years caring for family members with these "issues" I guess I am just used to sharing info. I will be very careful from now on and not do that again. Blessings to you all.

Offline luise.volta

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Re: OMG! It feels as if I have found the answer ( BPD)
« Reply #7 on: November 14, 2010, 03:22:00 PM »
You are a gracious person. I really appreciate that.  :)
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline JaneF

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Re: OMG! It feels as if I have found the answer ( BPD)
« Reply #8 on: November 14, 2010, 03:36:59 PM »
Thank you Luise. I have dealt with many difficult issues in my life, many tragedies, and a lot of hurt. I have recently learned (after many years) that I cannot change others but I can change how I "react". I don't want to argue with others and deal with ugliness, I am too tired. Even though I have stopped contact with my two younger adult children, it isn't done out of meaness or spite. I had to do it to take time for ME to heal, and figure out how to take care of me for once. I am finished with being angry or upset all the time. I have to make our home a good place for GD we have here. I tell the stories and situations I have endured or am dealing with now only because I want others to know we can survive, we can be strong, we can't just roll over and give up. We can be kind to others, and should be, but we should not let others treat us poorly. We can still love them but we have to love ourselves too. We need our boundaries to be respected, and if others don't respect that, we need to choose to tolerate it or separate ourselves from it. I appreciate your wisdom Luise, and I'm grateful for these wonderful ladies here. You are all awesome.

Offline luise.volta

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Re: OMG! It feels as if I have found the answer ( BPD)
« Reply #9 on: November 14, 2010, 03:52:40 PM »
Yes, my life has had a great deal of "difficult lessons" in it, too. And I am trying now to get my head around the concept of "enabling."

It so hard for me to see that when we lie down and roll over for our kids...we are hurting, not helping them. They don't learn how to cope with adversity or to stand up to life and be counted. We keep them forever in emotional diapers.

I admire the way you are proceeding and processing and getting on with your life.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Tara

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Re: OMG! It feels as if I have found the answer ( BPD)
« Reply #10 on: November 14, 2010, 05:58:08 PM »
Yes, my life has had a great deal of "difficult lessons" in it, too. And I am trying now to get my head around the concept of "enabling."

It so hard for me to see that when we lie down and roll over for our kids...we are hurting, not helping them. They don't learn how to cope with adversity or to stand up to life and be counted. We keep them forever in emotional diapers.

I admire the way you are proceeding and processing and getting on with your life.


Luise,  Re:  diagnosing, I can appreciate your point.  Sometimes I wonder in this context if it isn't better to describe the behavior vs
use diagnosis.  On the other hand, people do seem to have Adult children and dils with these diagnosis and talk about them.  anyway duly noted.

Re:  enabling.  I can say I'm working on not enabling with my son and concur that rolling over for my ds and dil has not been good
for either of us. 



Offline luise.volta

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Re: OMG! It feels as if I have found the answer ( BPD)
« Reply #11 on: November 14, 2010, 06:24:39 PM »
Maybe it's a moot point. And we are really just exploring and acknowledging...not diagnosing.  ???
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Mamaw313

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Re: OMG! It feels as if I have found the answer ( BPD)
« Reply #12 on: November 14, 2010, 06:34:55 PM »
Thank you all for your input. There is most definitely something wrong with DS g/f to go from one extreme to another. You are a GREAT bunch of ladies and God bless you all! Thanks again. It's so nice to know that we are not alone.