Author Topic: Daughters won't talk to me  (Read 1642 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

ldixon

  • Guest
Daughters won't talk to me
« on: November 10, 2010, 11:59:34 AM »
Well my problems started 6 years ago after the girls father passed away. For several years my daughters ages 26 and 27 didn't come to see me at all,wen their father was alive they were a part of the house every weekend then when he was gone so were they. we had always had a good relationship don't know what happen. then 3 years ago I remarried, my oldest daughter came to love my new husband the youngest still has some issues with it I think. But the real issue now is that neither one will talk to me they are mad at me won't answer my phone calls email text. what happen was after dad died I co signed for the house one daughter really wanted and her dad was going to help them buy so I thought I was doing the right thing, then.
since in the past year in was to go into forclosure, anyway they just up and walked away from it, I was on them all the time to make the payments and my lawyer had me get it deeded in my name. since then they have been mad at me, son n law even called on day and gave me a royal ear full. My younger daughter is mad I think cause I missed my grandaughters birthday because I was out of town and on facebook said she should wash her hand of me. I don't know what to do, I called them both last weekend told them we needed to talk this all out but I have yet to hear from them they have not even acknowledge that they heard from me. what am i to do

seasage

  • Guest
Re: Daughters won't talk to me
« Reply #1 on: November 10, 2010, 12:30:55 PM »
Did you or did you not just save your daughters' financial butts?  I am sure that a foreclosure would have ruined their credit ratings as well as yours.  I presume that you saved your own credit rating by taking over the house (and payments) in your name?  Didn't that also save your daughters (and SIL) from 7 years of ruin in their credit score?  And if you did save them that disaster, I would like to see them down on their knees thanking you.  So my first piece of advice would be to ignore their tantrums about the house.  You saved them!!

My second piece of advice - and this advice is for everyone on this forum - stay away from facebook.  Remember when you were young and your mother told you not to pick at your scabs?  That's what I think of reading what people write about you on facebook.  It's like picking your scabs.

I must admit, however, that I still pick my (real) scabs.  But only in private.     

LaurieS

  • Guest
Re: Daughters won't talk to me
« Reply #2 on: November 10, 2010, 01:18:36 PM »
I have a facebook account, but only because I like getting coupons from some businesses that you have to friend them or some bs like that.  Other then that I don't update it, I don't read it.. I don't even have a photo posted.  I understand the fascination that some of the younger people had when it came out, as it was only opened to college students.. now it seems like a gigantic weapon to some and a huge waste of time to most.  It's by far the easiest way to insult someone and never leave your chair..... I agree with Seasage.. stop reading it.

IDixon, you ask what are you to do... ignore your ungrateful children and their spouses.  They don't have the courtesy to reply then blow them off and do what you need to do to rid yourself of their burden home.  Constant texting, firing off of emails, and phone messages will only make you look like you are begging and weak.  They are the ones who are being rude, so again.. STOP.  You've made your thoughts known, now they do or they don't contact you, but this is no longer your or your husbands problems. 

Let your children stand on their own from this point forward, they need to learn how it feels.

Offline luise.volta

  • Global Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 8947
  • Luise Volta
    • View Profile
    • Wise Women Unite
Re: Daughters won't talk to me
« Reply #3 on: November 10, 2010, 02:08:42 PM »
There are a lot of hard feelings and misunderstands flying around. I think I would step back...IMHO, it's just getting bigger by your trying to fix it. Pamper yourself. Take a deep breath...post here and start healing when you can. Many of us in the name of love have been doormats and have tire track on us where we got run over. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

MotherOf3

  • Guest
Re: Daughters won't talk to me
« Reply #4 on: November 10, 2010, 08:49:14 PM »
I think that they are directing their anger at the wrong person.  They defaulted and walked away knowing full well that you would be on the hook for the house.  YOU did them a favor by co-signing (I think that's what it boils down to) so that they could get a house and this is how they repay you?  I firmly believe that when people don't have to work for something they want then it is taken for granted.

Don't be a doormat, nobody respects that.  Don't be calling and emailing and texting, that looks like you are begging them to forgive you for something.  When you do that you give them all the power and give up your own. 

Sometimes people do bad things to others and they need to face the consequences, family or not.  They're adults and make their own choices. Lesson learned to not give help to people who would abuse it and if they ever come asking for another favor I would politely decline... "I'm afraid that's not possible." is the only thing that needs to be said.  No other explanation is needed.

barelythere

  • Guest
Re: Daughters won't talk to me
« Reply #5 on: November 10, 2010, 08:53:16 PM »
I think that they are directing their anger at the wrong person.  They defaulted and walked away knowing full well that you would be on the hook for the house.  YOU did them a favor by co-signing (I think that's what it boils down to) so that they could get a house and this is how they repay you?  I firmly believe that when people don't have to work for something they want then it is taken for granted.

Don't be a doormat, nobody respects that.  Don't be calling and emailing and texting, that looks like you are begging them to forgive you for something.  When you do that you give them all the power and give up your own. 

Sometimes people do bad things to others and they need to face the consequences, family or not.  They're adults and make their own choices. Lesson learned to not give help to people who would abuse it and if they ever come asking for another favor I would politely decline... "I'm afraid that's not possible." is the only thing that needs to be said.  No other explanation is needed.

Great advice!! 

jomama

  • Guest
Re: Daughters won't talk to me
« Reply #6 on: November 10, 2010, 10:02:41 PM »
I think that they are directing their anger at the wrong person.  They defaulted and walked away knowing full well that you would be on the hook for the house.  YOU did them a favor by co-signing (I think that's what it boils down to) so that they could get a house and this is how they repay you?  I firmly believe that when people don't have to work for something they want then it is taken for granted. No other explanation is needed.
Exactly! They demean anyone they owe gratitude to, it damages their self-image- even though they asked for the help!

Offline Pen

  • Global Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 4400
    • View Profile
Re: Daughters won't talk to me
« Reply #7 on: November 10, 2010, 11:01:53 PM »
Welcome, LD. I'm so sorry. Please take care of yourself.

This site is a mighty resource; we're all connected by the experience of motherhood and womanhood, even if the details of our lives are different. I'm really feeling it tonight - my heart is heavy with our shared pain, but lifted by the support of everyone here. I'm thinking of all the women in the world, from the beginning of time, who have shared our joys and sorrows. It's pretty incredible, actually.

Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

ldixon

  • Guest
Re: Daughters won't talk to me
« Reply #8 on: November 11, 2010, 06:29:17 AM »
Good Morning to all, Thank you for lifting my spirits this morning, I am so happy to hear that you all have given me such good advice and that I have thought the same. We mothers have to stick together! Again Thank You All. I feel much better about myself and my decision to do just as you  all have suggested. I am going to enjoy my new life with my wonderful husband and go on. The only thing that is bothering me is that the holidays are coming and that my children won't be there for the first time to share them with me. The worst are the grandchildren that I can't see. The holidays are still so very hard for me with all that I have lost in the past and now, but I do have the great support of my husband. It is still so very hard! This has been the best thing I've done is log into this site, what a great thing. My day has been brightened. I still want to say that I have lost a son to cancer at age 10, my wonderful husband of 30 years and now my children and grandchildren, it still hurts soooo much!

LaurieS

  • Guest
Re: Daughters won't talk to me
« Reply #9 on: November 11, 2010, 07:19:01 AM »
For ten years I helped an older gentleman that I became very close to.  This man had lost  two babies at birth, his third child a daughter, was born with downs syndrome, she lived to be  40 before she passed away.  When his daughter was only six his wife died  from breast cancer, but he met a wonderful  woman who  took his daughter as her own.  This wife passed away shortly after I met him. 

I would go to the cemetery with him to deliver flowers and finally one day I had to ask him how, how did he find the will to live, as he had buried every person he ever loved. He answered with with such honesty when he told me that everyday he would  wake and wonder why he could not have passed in his sleep, then he would see the sun shining, the wind blowing through the leaves and he knew that he is still here because he still has a lot of goodness to offer the world. 

Idixon, I can only try to feel your pain as it must be hard.  Your husband is your rock and you are so fortunate to have him in your life.  I hope your daughters come around eventually as I feel that everyone wants to have a healthy relationship with family, sometimes getting there isn't easy.  When finances are tossed into the mix I believe that it's easier to place love on the back burner and dwell on the money because it's easier and more tangible. 

I think your girls are still reeling from their loss and rightfully so.  But they are adults and they are making their own choices.  You've been there for them, you've proven that to them over and over... Now it's time for you to be there for yourself, because you too have a lot of goodness to offer the world.  I would consider doing something, anything that you've always thought about doing over the holiday season... something for you and your husband.

I still say that you've extended yourself to your girls and now it's time to step back and let them go if this is what they need in order to come back again.

Offline Pen

  • Global Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 4400
    • View Profile
Re: Daughters won't talk to me
« Reply #10 on: November 11, 2010, 07:22:45 AM »
I agree, LD, that one of the best things you could have done is to log on here. This site has helped me handle my situation positively, and the support has been comforting. Holidays are really difficult; last year a lot of WW suggested donating time at a shelter or hospital to get their "GC" experience with needy children. They actually preferred going where they were appreciated to feeling like a duty call. I think it's a great idea. We sometimes help out at DDD's day program - working with disabled adults around the holidays is a lot of fun. I can't help but get in the holiday spirit, they go all out and their enthusiasm and appreciation fills my heart.

As Lauries suggests, do something with DH that will become a special tradition for the two of you. Take care.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb