How do I grieve this death

[Renet]

Ugh....I think I am doing so good and then I do this to myself......

My D and SIL have not been here to Oregon 4 years.  We have lived in this home 25 years.
And yet they constantly fly from LA to Missouri to SIL parents home to be with his family.  They have spent the last 4 Christmas' there. They are high upper income.  We are high middle income.   They fly them out.  And fly to their home 3-4 times a year.  Always invited and welcomed.   We are not.  They only have 4 grandchildren.  2 of them are ours.   We have 16 grandchildren.  We can't afford to indulge them all.   SIL's parents can and do.   They are great people.  So there is not a jealousy thing.  But I think D likes that life style.  Being popular was always important.   SIL has a huge income.   They could afford to fly here.  We still offer.   They can not work it into the lives.  So they just went to SIL's  parents the end of Oct.  Spent Halloween with them.   I have access to SIL's mother's blog page.  I go there to see pictures of my grandchildren.   It kills me.  If I don't go  to the blog, I have no idea what is going on in my grandchildren's lives....
I just went to the blog.   And then I sit here and sobbed.   I have not see the little one in a year.  He is up and walking all over.  SIL mom bought them princess close and cow boy outfits to have pictures taken in SIL's Dad and brother are professional photographers.  The pictures are as cute as they can be...and then I scroll down and there is SIL' mom with her four grandchildren all wrapped up in her arms..... My two adore her and you can see it on their faces, you see it on hers as well.  This woman gets to be with these children at least 6 times a year.... They love her.  You can see that too.    They do not even know me.  And I love them every bit as much as she does.  I resent her.  Which is not fair, she is a very good person.  But she has what I want more than anything in the world...............and it kills me.................  She is a counselor who my daughter has gone to about our relationship.  I want to write her and tell her she has no idea how my D treats me.  (they adore my D)  I want to tell her that it is no fair that she gets a relationship with my grandchildren and I do not.........I want to tell her that seeing those pictures kills me and if she is a good counselor why would she do that (she has no idea that I see her blog)..... I want to tell her that her son did not even have the decency to call me when D was in the hospital having both of her babies.  That he text me when the last one was born.  I want to tell her that her son has pulled my daughter away from me.... I want to tell her I hate her....  Of course I wont.  And of course I do not.  It would be easier if she was not such a good woman.   I am grateful that my grandchildren have such good grandparents on that side... but I want to be in their lives too..............
Please someone lift me up tonight..............I do not know how I am suppose to do this, to continue to accept that my D and my GChildren are never going to be a part of my life...ever....that this is only going to get worse.....  I do not know how to grieve death when there is no casket.............

[barelythere]

Ugh....I think I am doing so good and then I do this to myself......

My D and SIL have not been here to Oregon 4 years.  We have lived in this home 25 years.
And yet they constantly fly from LA to Missouri to SIL parents home to be with his family.  They have spent the last 4 Christmas' there. They are high upper income.  We are high middle income.   They fly them out.  And fly to their home 3-4 times a year.  Always invited and welcomed.   We are not.  They only have 4 grandchildren.  2 of them are ours.   We have 16 grandchildren.  We can't afford to indulge them all.   SIL's parents can and do.   They are great people.  So there is not a jealousy thing.  But I think D likes that life style.  Being popular was always important.   SIL has a huge income.   They could afford to fly here.  We still offer.   They can not work it into the lives.  So they just went to SIL's  parents the end of Oct.  Spent Halloween with them.   I have access to SIL's mother's blog page.  I go there to see pictures of my grandchildren.   It kills me.  If I don't go  to the blog, I have no idea what is going on in my grandchildren's lives....
I just went to the blog.   And then I sit here and sobbed.   I have not see the little one in a year.  He is up and walking all over.  SIL mom bought them princess close and cow boy outfits to have pictures taken in SIL's Dad and brother are professional photographers.  The pictures are as cute as they can be...and then I scroll down and there is SIL' mom with her four grandchildren all wrapped up in her arms..... My two adore her and you can see it on their faces, you see it on hers as well.  This woman gets to be with these children at least 6 times a year.... They love her.  You can see that too.    They do not even know me.  And I love them every bit as much as she does.  I resent her.  Which is not fair, she is a very good person.  But she has what I want more than anything in the world...............and it kills me.................  She is a counselor who my daughter has gone to about our relationship.  I want to write her and tell her she has no idea how my D treats me.  (they adore my D)  I want to tell her that it is no fair that she gets a relationship with my grandchildren and I do not.........I want to tell her that seeing those pictures kills me and if she is a good counselor why would she do that (she has no idea that I see her blog)..... I want to tell her that her son did not even have the decency to call me when D was in the hospital having both of her babies.  That he text me when the last one was born.  I want to tell her that her son has pulled my daughter away from me.... I want to tell her I hate her....  Of course I wont.  And of course I do not.  It would be easier if she was not such a good woman.   I am grateful that my grandchildren have such good grandparents on that side... but I want to be in their lives too..............
Please someone lift me up tonight..............I do not know how I am suppose to do this, to continue to accept that my D and my GChildren are never going to be a part of my life...ever....that this is only going to get worse.....  I do not know how to grieve death when there is no casket.............

Renet,
First of all, I wish I had perfect words for you.  This rich lifestyle is tempting for sure for the younger crowd.  It really is.  I think they miss out on some of the sweetest most fun middle of the roaders in the world.  It is their loss.  I can tell you for certain that if they did come to see you, you more than likely would be like me and not enjoy them in the least.  Small comfort but it is true. 

As far as his Mother goes.  I feel that she is being very unfair not to tell your Daughter that you exist and she should consider you too.  But, you never know what she's been told. (this would be to make her look great in her MIL's eyes)  I know you're hurting and I don't know what to say. I can pray and I can think of you and send good thoughts your way.  You keep your head high and know that you are good and worth it.  Take care you.

[Renet]

Thanks Barely...... You said the one thing I need to remember....  It is horrible when she is here.   I never do anything right or good enough and I am a wreck trying to make everything perfect.   I use to be petrified to fly.  And had never flown by myself.  One time I begged her to let me come stay with the kids while her and hubby went somewhere.   I flew on a stupid plane, by myself...I was petrified beyond petrified...  At that she was so unkind to me once they got back.  I told her I had even flown by myself on a plane to see her family.  Her response was.  "So."   
You are right Barely.....you are so right.....   And even if I am there...she is thoughtless.....and unkind and that will never change.  She is 31.   She is who she is.......

Hugs Barely......hugs.....

[barelythere]

Thanks Barely...... You said the one thing I need to remember....  It is horrible when she is here.   I never do anything right or good enough and I am a wreck trying to make everything perfect.   I use to be petrified to fly.  And had never flown by myself.  One time I begged her to let me come stay with the kids while her and hubby went somewhere.   I flew on a stupid plane, by myself...I was petrified beyond petrified...  At that she was so unkind to me once they got back.  I told her I had even flown by myself on a plane to see her family.  Her response was.  "So."   
You are right Barely.....you are so right.....   And even if I am there...she is thoughtless.....and unkind and that will never change.  She is 31.   She is who she is.......

Hugs Barely......hugs.....

Think about what she said!!  "So".  What a witch.  That is so cruel to say to you, "so" when you said, "I flew on a plane all by myself".   Some of these things hurt me to hear!!  Let's remember, we don't enjoy ourselves with these people even if they are our kids.

[erma]

aaahhhhhh.............(sigh) the life styles of the rich and famous! once again has reared its ugly head!  renet, i does feel like a death with no casket. my situation is with my ds instead of dd. however the pain is the same.  for me, for now anyway, i must pull inward. heal my heart. self preservation.  it doesn't mean forever, just for today. today i will hold on to my own heart. no one knows it better than me. my kids know how much i love them, and they know i always will. but today, i chose to let them go for now, and heal.
renet, please take time for yourself. be as kind to yourself as you are to your D.
hugs
 

[Renet]

Again, Barely....you are so right and wise.....  I would never have a friend who treats me as my child does.   Nor could I imagine treating another person that way.  And yet because they are our children we can excuse this??  No, we can't.

I have to tell you as well....  When I first read where you said what a witch...I was taken aback and quickly thought "well that was not very nice."  I felt defensive.  I do that with my husband and get mad when he says anything negative about her....   But Barely....right now I am tearing up, because for you to have said it was ok and it's true...she is a little witch...and she is horrible to me......   Oh my gosh, how healing is this place......  It's ok because you of all people understand......  And if I heard a child did that to you I would say the same......    On her 25th birthday I took her for a lovely lunch and I sat there crying, with tears running into my food because she was telling me she never wanted her children around me.  This was before she was even married....

Why do I want her to love me so badly......  Barely maybe this has to do with if your own child can not love you who can....Which is what I faced with a mother who did not love or want me......    My daughter knows how horrible my mother was to me and how sad my child hood was because of her rejection of me.  How much more cruel that makes my daughter.   She is a witch.   

I love you Barely....you words have hugged me big time!!!!!!!     

[Renet]

Erma....your words too.... A big fat hug for my heart.    I know I can make it through.   I should have never looked at that blog.   Not knowing is better....... 
My gosh, I am so sorry we all have to go through this.   I am sorry your heart has to heart too Erma....Just like Barely there.....  I wish our children for one moment could see our hurt and pain like we do one another's.

I have lost site of the Awakening....I need to go back and read it.....   

I am sorry that it is our grief that brings us together but grateful I have you to mourn with................

[barelythere]

Again, Barely....you are so right and wise.....  I would never have a friend who treats me as my child does.   Nor could I imagine treating another person that way.  And yet because they are our children we can excuse this??  No, we can't.

I have to tell you as well....  When I first read where you said what a witch...I was taken aback and quickly thought "well that was not very nice."  I felt defensive.  I do that with my husband and get mad when he says anything negative about her....   But Barely....right now I am tearing up, because for you to have said it was ok and it's true...she is a little witch...and she is horrible to me......   Oh my gosh, how healing is this place......  It's ok because you of all people understand......  And if I heard a child did that to you I would say the same......    On her 25th birthday I took her for a lovely lunch and I sat there crying, with tears running into my food because she was telling me she never wanted her children around me.  This was before she was even married....

Why do I want her to love me so badly......  Barely maybe this has to do with if your own child can not love you who can....Which is what I faced with a mother who did not love or want me......    My daughter knows how horrible my mother was to me and how sad my child hood was because of her rejection of me.  How much more cruel that makes my daughter.   She is a witch.   

I love you Barely....you words have hugged me big time!!!!!!!     

Renet,
I am so sorry I called her a witch.  I should not have done that. I am the same way, can't stand someone talking about my loved ones like that.  So sorry...knee jerk reaction, emphasis on jerk.

I think there's a pattern here.  I too had a horrible childhood and all these things throw me right back to when I felt that way as a child.  I think it's made up more sensitive and not able to stand up for ourselves.  Also, I tend to blow every little thing way out of proportion in my heart.  I am very tender hearted so each thing they do destroys me.  I think that's at the bottom of all this. 
Harden my heart, click that brain into gear, barely!!

[jill]

Hi Renet,
Just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you.  I know how much you hurt when the other grandparents are foremost in your grandchild's life.  It is like a knife in your heart.  My daughter used to say when my gd was a baby that she trusted me to look after her more than anyone, and now she does not want me in her life.  The other grandparents are the "wealthy grandparents", and always spend more on her than I can afford.

[barelythere]

Hi Renet,
Just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you.  I know how much you hurt when the other grandparents are foremost in your grandchild's life.  It is like a knife in your heart.  My daughter used to say when my gd was a baby that she trusted me to look after her more than anyone, and now she does not want me in her life.  The other grandparents are the "wealthy grandparents", and always spend more on her than I can afford.

We have hit on a common theme.  The wealthy folks.

[Renet]

No, it's good that you called her that, because it helped me to see how safe this place is for me.  No one else can do that or I get defensive.  I do not have to be defensive on here.   All of you understand.    She is horrible to me.  Horrible.   It is abusive what she does.  She is a butch to me...and that word is even worse.  But she is.  I think admitting that to anyone else makes me feel like a failure.  She makes me feel like a failure.  Like I am not good enough.  That is what my mother use to do.  On here I can admit that because all of us understand.   We are not failures.  We have a child who sadly is failing.
I am tender hearted too.  I am also very forgiving.   Sometimes I wonder if D sees that in me as a weakness and she wants me to be strong, no matter what....   What is really strange is when she was younger I worried about her because she was too attached to me.   I lost her dad in an accident.  He suffered brain damage and I had to leave him to protect my children.   She would cry and say "what if I lose my mom too...I couldn't do that, I would die."  And then I remarried....  I think she hates me because I could not make her dad better and then she feels like she lost me too.   It was tragic what happened, but you know what....You grow up.  You forgive people for not being perfect or what you think perfection is.

We are good people aren't we Barley.   We try harder than most people would.  We don't want to see others hurt like we have.  We have good generous hearts...that sadly our troubled children can not see.....  They are the ones who truly have lost....Not us.  They have lost because they quit feeling.   We feel and that's why we are on here......

Thank you a million times Barley....tonight you have helped me get through the heartache...... Hugs for ever hugs......

[barelythere]

No, it's good that you called her that, because it helped me to see how safe this place is for me.  No one else can do that or I get defensive.  I do not have to be defensive on here.   All of you understand.    She is horrible to me.  Horrible.   It is abusive what she does.  She is a butch to me...and that word is even worse.  But she is.  I think admitting that to anyone else makes me feel like a failure.  She makes me feel like a failure.  Like I am not good enough.  That is what my mother use to do.  On here I can admit that because all of us understand.   We are not failures.  We have a child who sadly is failing.
I am tender hearted too.  I am also very forgiving.   Sometimes I wonder if D sees that in me as a weakness and she wants me to be strong, no matter what....   What is really strange is when she was younger I worried about her because she was too attached to me.   I lost her dad in an accident.  He suffered brain damage and I had to leave him to protect my children.   She would cry and say "what if I lose my mom too...I couldn't do that, I would die."  And then I remarried....  I think she hates me because I could not make her dad better and then she feels like she lost me too.   It was tragic what happened, but you know what....You grow up.  You forgive people for not being perfect or what you think perfection is.

We are good people aren't we Barley.   We try harder than most people would.  We don't want to see others hurt like we have.  We have good generous hearts...that sadly our troubled children can not see.....  They are the ones who truly have lost....Not us.  They have lost because they quit feeling.   We feel and that's why we are on here......

Thank you a million times Barley....tonight you have helped me get through the heartache...... Hugs for ever hugs......

There is another common theme here and it is our tender heartedness.  I don't know what it is about that that causes others close to us to think it's weakness.  It isn't.  It's compassion learned through being strong in the face of immense pain.  I do think it is a problem for them, though.  Let's try to work on that.  We are woman, hear us roar.....(little bitty meow)

[Renet]

My oldest son also married someone whose parents are very wealthy.   I gave up trying to compete, because thee is no competention.....  My oldest married a girl whose parents live in Dubai.  They are millionaires.  Last year for Christmas I made them all sock monkeys with a special little heart on each one of them...and a letter to go along with each one of them.... I never heard one thank you. I am sure they were thrown in some corner.   However, my DIL is very sweet to call me and talk or have the kids SKYPE.   I love her so I try and over look some things. 
My son who I am best friends with, married a little gal whose parents are just like us.....Her mom and I have become dear friends...So down to earth....  When DS and DIL's first baby was born they both asked if I would come to SF to be there.  (they knew how much Daughter had hurt me not even calling when her babies were born...)....DIL's mother and I hardly knew each other but we shared a hotel room for 10 days because our grandson had problems at birth.  I love her like a sister.  And this was her oldest DD and her first grandchild.   It figures that the one child who is so good to me would marry someone whose mother is now my dear friend.   I have one child left to get married.  She has promised to marry someone who comes from poverty!!   

[barelythere]

My oldest son also married someone whose parents are very wealthy.   I gave up trying to compete, because thee is no competention.....  My oldest married a girl whose parents live in Dubai.  They are millionaires.  Last year for Christmas I made them all sock monkeys with a special little heart on each one of them...and a letter to go along with each one of them.... I never heard one thank you. I am sure they were thrown in some corner.   However, my DIL is very sweet to call me and talk or have the kids SKYPE.   I love her so I try and over look some things. 
My son who I am best friends with, married a little gal whose parents are just like us.....Her mom and I have become dear friends...So down to earth....  When DS and DIL's first baby was born they both asked if I would come to SF to be there.  (they knew how much Daughter had hurt me not even calling when her babies were born...)....DIL's mother and I hardly knew each other but we shared a hotel room for 10 days because our grandson had problems at birth.  I love her like a sister.  And this was her oldest DD and her first grandchild.   It figures that the one child who is so good to me would marry someone whose mother is now my dear friend.   I have one child left to get married.  She has promised to marry someone who comes from poverty!!   

What a blessing!!! Victory!!  Love it....nighty night, dear friends and fellow problem solvers.  Love you all. Onward to tomorrow.   

[Renet]

Roarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr    well, yeah....all roar...no bite......   It's funny, but I am strong, independent and fearless around most people.... but not this one child......she brings out the worst in me......because, you know why because....Because she refuses to see the good in me......  Seriously I could be perfect and she would still find something wrong....   gads......  I would hate anyone else who was like that to me......  Who knows maybe that is all we have between us.....  I want her to love me...she wants to hate me.   What a sad way to base a relationship.....