Author Topic: got through the event  (Read 3923 times)

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erma

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got through the event
« on: November 08, 2010, 03:03:27 PM »
hello people. well, we were able to muster through the last holiday of a family member. so feeble and weak. just sad.  :'( :'( :'(  i wept all the way home. but, i will remember and think of her for all her greatness and love she had in this world, i will speak of her legacy, not her end.  :)
 
 my ds and dil said at first they had a function to go to on dil foo, but they lied. my dd came to our family event with news that her db had called saying they were shopping in her neighborhood and would like to go to her restaurant for a meal. (free)my dd said no, she was headed to our event, to see her dg for the last time, and why weren't they coming. ds responded, "i know, tried to get her (dil)  to go, she wants to shop"
i cant believe my son would shut out his family like that. i know for a fact dil has threatened him before, and i believe she is again now. (leaving with the baby) or, maybe he cant handle death? seeing a family member in the latter part of their life? i know how hard it is believe me. i used to deal with it on a daily basis. plus, all of my kin, except for my father, has died as well.  i still am just reeling...............how someone can be so cold.
and for shopping.??!!.................... how cold....................i am appalled   :-X :-X :-X :'(

cadagi101

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Re: got through the event
« Reply #1 on: November 08, 2010, 03:20:40 PM »
hello people. well, we were able to muster through the last holiday of a family member. so feeble and weak. just sad.  :'( :'( :'(  i wept all the way home. but, i will remember and think of her for all her greatness and love she had in this world, i will speak of her legacy, not her end.  :)
 
 my ds and dil said at first they had a function to go to on dil foo, but they lied. my dd came to our family event with news that her db had called saying they were shopping in her neighborhood and would like to go to her restaurant for a meal. (free)my dd said no, she was headed to our event, to see her dg for the last time, and why weren't they coming. ds responded, "i know, tried to get her (dil)  to go, she wants to shop"
i cant believe my son would shut out his family like that. i know for a fact dil has threatened him before, and i believe she is again now. (leaving with the baby) or, maybe he cant handle death? seeing a family member in the latter part of their life? i know how hard it is believe me. i used to deal with it on a daily basis. plus, all of my kin, except for my father, has died as well.  i still am just reeling...............how someone can be so cold.
and for shopping.??!!.................... how cold....................i am appalled   :-X :-X :-X :'(


That is  a very sad situation you are in.   All your emotions at this time, and ds/dil won't see the family member for the last time.       Try to put them out of your mind.    Yes your son might not be able to handle death but dil shopping!!!   and ds going with her!!!   Unforgivable in my books, downright selfish.   I don't buy the can't handle death excuse..he could be their for you all and wait outside,  or sit somewhere quitely to show his respects.    All I could do in that situation is stay away from them until you can accept what you ds has done he has to live with his decision not to go,  he might speak to you about it one day.   Good luck   
   

LaurieS

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Re: got through the event
« Reply #2 on: November 08, 2010, 03:39:11 PM »
It's sad when a bargain at the mall trumps a life.  How dumb was he to call his sister, did he forget or was he wanting the information to get back to you..  If this was my son, I'd let him know in no uncertain terms that you have no time or respect for liars... good thing grandma didn't have to know this.

Really sorry Erma, I'm really happy your daughter was there for you.

barelythere

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Re: got through the event
« Reply #3 on: November 08, 2010, 04:06:40 PM »
hello people. well, we were able to muster through the last holiday of a family member. so feeble and weak. just sad.  :'( :'( :'(  i wept all the way home. but, i will remember and think of her for all her greatness and love she had in this world, i will speak of her legacy, not her end.  :)
 
 my ds and dil said at first they had a function to go to on dil foo, but they lied. my dd came to our family event with news that her db had called saying they were shopping in her neighborhood and would like to go to her restaurant for a meal. (free)my dd said no, she was headed to our event, to see her dg for the last time, and why weren't they coming. ds responded, "i know, tried to get her (dil)  to go, she wants to shop"
i cant believe my son would shut out his family like that. i know for a fact dil has threatened him before, and i believe she is again now. (leaving with the baby) or, maybe he cant handle death? seeing a family member in the latter part of their life? i know how hard it is believe me. i used to deal with it on a daily basis. plus, all of my kin, except for my father, has died as well.  i still am just reeling...............how someone can be so cold.
and for shopping.??!!.................... how cold....................i am appalled   :-X :-X :-X :'(

Dear Erma,
I know what you are talking about.  It is one of the hardest things to understand.  Some younger people (mine) will only do what they want to do.  It doesn't matter what is dear to you, someone dying, a loved one ill, they will do what they want and it doesn't matter the consequences.  They were often raised without consequences and also, "please yourself first".  (I think this is one of the most detrimental things ever done to our society; living for youself only.  It's a shame.   

Offline luise.volta

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Re: got through the event
« Reply #4 on: November 08, 2010, 04:11:46 PM »
I agree. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

barelythere

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Re: got through the event
« Reply #5 on: November 08, 2010, 04:26:33 PM »
It's sad when a bargain at the mall trumps a life.  How dumb was he to call his sister, did he forget or was he wanting the information to get back to you..  If this was my son, I'd let him know in no uncertain terms that you have no time or respect for liars... good thing grandma didn't have to know this.

Really sorry Erma, I'm really happy your daughter was there for you.

Laurie,
I wish!!! Oh, I wish you could come live inside my personality and speak for me!!  If I said anything to my son about his not showing up, etc., his wife would chew me out and she can be as vicious as you have ever heard.  Her parting words have always been, "don't tell (her husband) a single word she said".

Of course I can't tell her husband what she said to me because I'd never see them again. 

Offline Pen

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Re: got through the event
« Reply #6 on: November 08, 2010, 04:37:20 PM »
Erma, I'm sorry your DS and DIL behaved that way. How rude, cold, and hurtful to you and other family members. Your daughter sounds as if her priorities aren't selfish, thank goodness. Please take care of yourself during this difficult time.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Offline Scoop

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Re: got through the event
« Reply #7 on: November 09, 2010, 05:50:22 AM »
Sorry, I have to call baloney on this.  Your DIL could not go shopping without her DH?  Baloney.  We all know how much "fun" it is shopping with a man.  Not so much.

Your DS didn't go see his dying relative because he didn't WANT to go.  This is completely at his feet.  If he WANTED to go, nothing could have stopped him.


Offline Pen

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Re: got through the event
« Reply #8 on: November 09, 2010, 05:52:52 AM »
If he thought he might lose his children, that might do it.

Quote: "...i cant believe my son would shut out his family like that. i know for a fact dil has threatened him before, and i believe she is again now. (leaving with the baby)..."
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

cremebrulee

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Re: got through the event
« Reply #9 on: November 09, 2010, 06:14:03 AM »
yanno Erma, I blame your son here on this one....if she wanted to go shopping and has no regard for supporting family, fine...however, you son didn't need to go shopping with her, he should have been there...and that is his fault, period....

My heart goes out to you and so so sorry for your loss....

big tight hugs
Creme

barelythere

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Re: got through the event
« Reply #10 on: November 09, 2010, 06:40:53 AM »
yanno Erma, I blame your son here on this one....if she wanted to go shopping and has no regard for supporting family, fine...however, you son didn't need to go shopping with her, he should have been there...and that is his fault, period....

My heart goes out to you and so so sorry for your loss....

big tight hugs
Creme

They are equally to blame.  Would you honestly shop at all if your husband's loved one was dying?  This is total self-centeredness in every way.  Son and DIL

Offline Pooh

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Re: got through the event
« Reply #11 on: November 09, 2010, 07:11:34 AM »
I'm with BT, equally to blame.  DS for not taking a stand, and DIL for putting him in that position.  If DIL is using the children as weapons to control him, then understandable DS wouldn't want to upset the apple cart, but he should not lie about it. 

Erma, I know this was very hard on you, but you handled everything very gracefully.  Big hugs.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

justus

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Re: got through the event
« Reply #12 on: November 09, 2010, 07:20:03 AM »
I am so sorry Erma. This is a tough thing to go through.

But, I call baloney, too. She can leave him with the kid, but she cannot keep the kid from him. The law does protect both parents. I know divorce would be tough, but it could be workable. My brother never married the mother of his child, and even though they live in a Southern state which gives the mother whatever she wants, the mother was not able to keep DB's son from him, and the judge warned her that she would lose custody if she poisoned the boy against DB. And, your DIL will not be able to move out of state without permission from the court, which is tough to get. So, all it would take would be for him to call her bluff once, for him to see a lawyer and that would be the last time she threatened with that. IF, this is the case, and you don't know that it is, then he needs to grow a pair. IF your DS wanted to be there, he would have.

Quite frankly, I would have resented being commanded to appear. If I were going to say good bye to someone I was close to, I would want to do it alone and for my benefit and the person's benefit, not not to make everyone else feel OK about it. That would have more meaning for me than a command performance. I am not saying this is how you meant any pressure for him to come, but it could be how it was taken. So, back off on the disapproval because all it will do is drive them even further away. It is not for you to throw blame around. He chose not to do something you wanted him to do, big deal, so what? This is not in any way about you. Also, your DS's relationship with this person and when the last time he sees this person is none of your business. He is a big boy now, it is up to him to make these decisions and to deal with the consequences.

barelythere

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Re: got through the event
« Reply #13 on: November 09, 2010, 07:26:09 AM »
I am so sorry Erma. This is a tough thing to go through.

But, I call baloney, too. She can leave him with the kid, but she cannot keep the kid from him. The law does protect both parents. I know divorce would be tough, but it could be workable. My brother never married the mother of his child, and even though they live in a Southern state which gives the mother whatever she wants, the mother was not able to keep DB's son from him, and the judge warned her that she would lose custody if she poisoned the boy against DB. And, your DIL will not be able to move out of state without permission from the court, which is tough to get. So, all it would take would be for him to call her bluff once, for him to see a lawyer and that would be the last time she threatened with that. IF, this is the case, and you don't know that it is, then he needs to grow a pair. IF your DS wanted to be there, he would have.

Quite frankly, I would have resented being commanded to appear. If I were going to say good bye to someone I was close to, I would want to do it alone and for my benefit and the person's benefit, not not to make everyone else feel OK about it. That would have more meaning for me than a command performance. I am not saying this is how you meant any pressure for him to come, but it could be how it was taken. So, back off on the disapproval because all it will do is drive them even further away. It is not for you to throw blame around. He chose not to do something you wanted him to do, big deal, so what? This is not in any way about you. Also, your DS's relationship with this person and when the last time he sees this person is none of your business. He is a big boy now, it is up to him to make these decisions and to deal with the consequences.

See, this is what I mean..."big deal?  Resenting being commanded?"   We don't understand this language.  His loved one was dying.  This thinking makes me feel defeated about our society. 

cremebrulee

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Re: got through the event
« Reply #14 on: November 09, 2010, 07:34:32 AM »
yanno Erma, I blame your son here on this one....if she wanted to go shopping and has no regard for supporting family, fine...however, you son didn't need to go shopping with her, he should have been there...and that is his fault, period....

My heart goes out to you and so so sorry for your loss....

big tight hugs
Creme

They are equally to blame.  Would you honestly shop at all if your husband's loved one was dying?  This is total self-centeredness in every way.  Son and DIL

Yes, under normal circimstances they would be equally to blame, however, like most of you, Erma's DIL has a history of purposely excluding Erma's family from her schedule, and cutting them out...therefore, it is up to son to say to her, we're going or, if your not going I'm going...however, yes, she surely should have been there, I agree....I'm just saying....under the circumstances...which in my mind, doesn't exclude her one iota....