Author Topic: It's nice to know I am not alone....  (Read 4275 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Renet

  • Guest
It's nice to know I am not alone....
« on: November 06, 2010, 10:44:50 PM »
I think the best thing about this place is realizing for the first time I am absolutely not alone in this.  That there are many of us out there whose hearts break constantly because of an adult daughter who treat us horrible and for no reason that we can identify.  I have also learned that we do not deserve to be treated any way except with respect.  If they can not, then the relationship needs to be severed for the time being.....Even though it is the most painful experience ever.  But walking on eggshells, and crying after each cruel phone call is also painful.....at least this way there are no expectations...........It does feel better than the other...........  Thank you

Offline Pen

  • Global Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 4400
    • View Profile
Re: It's nice to know I am not alone....
« Reply #1 on: November 07, 2010, 02:36:52 AM »
We're definitely not alone! Isn't it comforting?
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Offline luise.volta

  • Global Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 8962
  • Luise Volta
    • View Profile
    • Wise Women Unite
Re: It's nice to know I am not alone....
« Reply #2 on: November 07, 2010, 08:17:55 AM »
Adult "children" can be an enigma. DSs and DDs can and do make choices and take paths in life that we know are going to hurt them (and others.) Standing by while they go through it is something none of us should have to face alone. What works for one of us doesn't necessarily work for another but we have created mutual strength and endurance through understanding and support.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Hope

  • Guest
Re: It's nice to know I am not alone....
« Reply #3 on: November 07, 2010, 12:24:57 PM »
Well put, Luise!  Throughout our children's lives I would say my favorite age was whatever age they happened to be at the time. Now that I have adult children, I can honestly say the hardest stage is when your children are adults b/c you have to idly stand by as you see them sometimes make life altering choices that you know are mistakes - and you can't do anything about it.  You know what's going to happen, but your hands are tied and they don't want your advice.   :P
Hugs, Hope

Offline luise.volta

  • Global Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 8962
  • Luise Volta
    • View Profile
    • Wise Women Unite
Re: It's nice to know I am not alone....
« Reply #4 on: November 07, 2010, 12:41:27 PM »
Yes. Now we know how the mother bird feels when she pushes the baby bird out of the nest (I bet she put's her wings over her ears.)  :(
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline Nana

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 762
    • View Profile
Re: It's nice to know I am not alone....
« Reply #5 on: November 07, 2010, 03:23:43 PM »
Hi Hope.... our children dont want our advice --they think they dont need it.   But I will tell you this....Experience (life)  is the most brutal teacher.   We try to stop our children from falling because we dont want them to suffer.....we know what will happen....but sure cant stop them.  Terrible feeling....like watching our kids fall in slow motion.  But such is life....we need to fall in order to learn /

Love

Love is not love Which alters when it alteration finds, Or bends with the remover to remove:
Shakespeare

Hope

  • Guest
Re: It's nice to know I am not alone....
« Reply #6 on: November 07, 2010, 04:50:01 PM »
Oh, I get such satisfaction in sharing with you ladies knowing that you understand - and you teach me to be strong.  You give me a sense of confidence when I need it most.
Thank you!
Hugs, Hope

Offline jill

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 270
    • View Profile
Re: It's nice to know I am not alone....
« Reply #7 on: November 07, 2010, 05:33:24 PM »
Hi Renet,
My situation is identical to yours.  My older dd has cut me out of her life.  As someone else mentioned in another post it is like the death of a child who is still alive.  This is the worst thing I have ever faced, and never dreamt would happen to me.  I don't miss the fighting and screaming and walking on eggshells, but  I miss my precious granddaughter, she is my only granddaughter, and I want her to know how much I love her.  I have always been proud of my children and felt they have always good choices, except for this, I am sure my dd will regret it someday.

I think it will take a long time to accept it, if ever, but it is comforting to come to this site, and listen to the words of all the wise women here.    I don't confide in my good friends because they have close happy families, so it is good to come here where people understand.

Renet

  • Guest
Re: It's nice to know I am not alone....
« Reply #8 on: November 07, 2010, 06:37:37 PM »
Jill,   I am the one who said it is like the death of a child still alive......  There is not a day that goes by that I do not think about her or miss her....  I love her little daughter so much and I know the few times she has been around me she loves me too. 
There are times I just get in my car and drive and sob.....and sob......  I too can't talk to friends because I do not think anyone could ever understand this.....  There is nothing I have done to cause this.....My husband always tells me I have 3 other children who love me...And I tell him if a child dies you cannot replace that child with another....nor does the love of my other children fill the emptiness the one has caused......
Of all the pain in my life.........this has been far the greatest.....

Please know that I am there for you Jill......and I am so sorry that your heart hurts like none can.......  I am sorry your child does not realize how much you love them.....how much we love them.....  I often wonder what my daughter would think if she saw my writings on here....I think it would only make her mad...........................

Hugs, Jill from someone who shares your sorrow.....

barelythere

  • Guest
Re: It's nice to know I am not alone....
« Reply #9 on: November 07, 2010, 06:47:14 PM »
Jill,   I am the one who said it is like the death of a child still alive......  There is not a day that goes by that I do not think about her or miss her....  I love her little daughter so much and I know the few times she has been around me she loves me too. 
There are times I just get in my car and drive and sob.....and sob......  I too can't talk to friends because I do not think anyone could ever understand this.....  There is nothing I have done to cause this.....My husband always tells me I have 3 other children who love me...And I tell him if a child dies you cannot replace that child with another....nor does the love of my other children fill the emptiness the one has caused......
Of all the pain in my life.........this has been far the greatest.....

Please know that I am there for you Jill......and I am so sorry that your heart hurts like none can.......  I am sorry your child does not realize how much you love them.....how much we love them.....  I often wonder what my daughter would think if she saw my writings on here....I think it would only make her mad...........................

Hugs, Jill from someone who shares your sorrow.....

Renet and Jill,
There is no hurt like the death of a child, grown or not while they are still living.  It is the most painful thing ever.  My heart goes out to anyone who has to go through this.  :'(

Renet

  • Guest
Re: It's nice to know I am not alone....
« Reply #10 on: November 07, 2010, 06:49:26 PM »
and Jill, I do not think you are suppose to ever accept it....................to do so is to give up all hope...........we have to have a little hope no matter how small....  My daughter sends cards to me on special occasions as if they are from her 4 year old daughter June....but never ever anything from her....  However, she now signs them with "I love you grandma, love June."  I hold on to the hope that it is her way of telling me she loves me without doing so.....And the last time I saw her...this summer...she hugged me goodbye and was crying. It is the first time she hugged me in 5 years....but she quickly covered it up with telling me thank you for being so good to her children.....
I have heard from her twice since then...then last time was to yell at me because I only tried to call her daughter 4 times the day of her birthday, but never got through....although I did send a thoughtful present for her birthday and something to her little brother....  This last time I told her no more as she started to yell at me, and then I told her good bye and hung up.  Everyday for the past 3 weeks I have wanted to pick up the phone and call her and tell her I am sorry that I hung up on her.  But I did not nothing wrong......    No Jill, I can't accept it either....but I am trying really hard to accept her decision that she does not want me in her life or that of her children....    That's it Jill......there are no answers other than that.....

barelythere

  • Guest
Re: It's nice to know I am not alone....
« Reply #11 on: November 07, 2010, 06:51:42 PM »
and Jill, I do not think you are suppose to ever accept it....................to do so is to give up all hope...........we have to have a little hope no matter how small....  My daughter sends cards to me on special occasions as if they are from her 4 year old daughter June....but never ever anything from her....  However, she now signs them with "I love you grandma, love June."  I hold on to the hope that it is her way of telling me she loves me without doing so.....And the last time I saw her...this summer...she hugged me goodbye and was crying. It is the first time she hugged me in 5 years....but she quickly covered it up with telling me thank you for being so good to her children.....
I have heard from her twice since then...then last time was to yell at me because I only tried to call her daughter 4 times the day of her birthday, but never got through....although I did send a thoughtful present for her birthday and something to her little brother....  This last time I told her no more as she started to yell at me, and then I told her good bye and hung up.  Everyday for the past 3 weeks I have wanted to pick up the phone and call her and tell her I am sorry that I hung up on her.  But I did not nothing wrong......    No Jill, I can't accept it either....but I am trying really hard to accept her decision that she does not want me in her life or that of her children....    That's it Jill......there are no answers other than that.....

Yes, the little cards are her way of keeping you in her life even at a distance.

Renet

  • Guest
Re: It's nice to know I am not alone....
« Reply #12 on: November 07, 2010, 06:55:40 PM »
Barley there........

Have you gone through this..............

barelythere

  • Guest
Re: It's nice to know I am not alone....
« Reply #13 on: November 07, 2010, 07:02:12 PM »
Barley there........

Have you gone through this..............

Yes, but not with a daughter, a son.  My son disappeared in spirit at the altar.  I am making it through, though...it has been years.  I am much better and most days I can live with it. We still see him so that's kind of a help but he isn't the same person.  I don't mean that he should not have grown up but he is now a robot. 

Renet

  • Guest
Re: It's nice to know I am not alone....
« Reply #14 on: November 07, 2010, 07:13:05 PM »
Oh Barelythere, I just read some of your postings and see were it was your son...  My youngest son is the child of my heart.....I could not imagine that kind of pain.....I am so sorry.......  My D and I always had a tuff time.....  But never my son......It would truly be unbearable if it were him...although when he got married almost 3 years ago he made the mistake of telling his wife I was his best friend...He told me she did not like that....I guess I can understand....  He is a mama's boy and I could care less.  I have had to step back a little because she is his life and now they have a baby..and have moved 1000 miles away to go to school...But he still calls probably 3-4 times a week....   I am so sorry again.....I think my heart is so broken because of my D. and yet your kind of pain would do me in......   I do believe my D has turned against me ever since she married....like you said, It's as if he has convinced her how bad her childhood was...  His mother is a counselor and she went to her about her childhood.... gads...is that a conflict of interest or what.....
Anyway....I am sorry for your loss.............I am very, very sorry.................hugs for you...hugs.......