Author Topic: New here, and need to find others in same situation for mainly support  (Read 3741 times)

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Offline JaneF

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Hello my name is Jane. First of all I must say that I love my 3 adult children very much. However, to be quite honest I am exhausted, sad, angry, confused, worried and hurt, and I have been dealing with their issues for many years. My kids have been into drugs (using and selling), have all had kids young and out of wedlock, been arrested, lied, stolen, and they have a serious sense of entitlement for some reason. I am raising one grandchild, and have all her life. She's 11. Her mother, my daughter,  is bipolar and  severe,  she is on disability. I have tried to help her , teach her to parent, I  helped financially (for 3 grandchildrens sake), my husband  got her husband jobs with benefits , he lost them due to drugs . Now they are divorced, she ended up in rehab for using needle drugs,  met a man there, and moved in with him a month later. She yanks my grandsons constantly. One grandson was in 6 schoosl last year, different towns, men etc. He has been with me for a few months because  daughter said he was not happy or treated fairly at her boyfriends house. BUT...she has been drawing welfare and food stamps on him. Family services found out and  going to cut her benefits, so she's jerking my grandson back to her boyfriends home because they need the welfare benefits! He is crushed, he is 7 years old. This will make the third school this year, is only just the end of the first quarter. My other child, a son is angry at us because he and his wife feel like we "DON'T DO ENOUGH FOR THEM" He has a good job, his wife chooses not to work, her parents only have a few grandkids and they help them a lot, but they expect MORE! They spend money for $500 football tickets, Wii and games, huge cell phone bills, and they eat out DAILY. Their daughter (one of my grandaughters) is 11, and is on facebook and her photos are sexually provocative, she puts her phone number on there, and adult men talk to her there, but my son defends it. I can't take any more, and there has been so much more. HELP!

1Glitterati

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Re: New here, and need to find others in same situation for mainly support
« Reply #1 on: November 06, 2010, 07:39:48 AM »
I think it's horrible that your daughter is doing that.  That poor child.   I wish women and men who are single (for whatever reason) would think before they bring other people into their children's lives.  I detest people who are more about getting their own groove on and have their self worth tied up in "having a man" or a flavor of the month to parade around.  It's wrong.  I wish there was something I could tell you that would help.  Is there any way that your daughter will let you talk to the school to check in and see how he's doing at his new school?  (She'd have to write a note and put it in his file that they are allowed to talk to you.)  You can also call the guidance counselor at his new school any time and tell him/her your concerns.   They can't tell you anything (without permission from mom), but they can LISTEN to whatever it is you say.  Be careful though....the guidance counselor doesn't owe you confidentiality...so she may tell mom you called and what you said.

As to your son...flat out he's jealous of the things you've done for your daughter.  He even told you so.  I don't know what you can do to fix that.  I'll even admit sometimes to having some of that feeling myself when it comes to my bro.  My parents have handed him money hand over fist for years and paid his bills and even paid for his bankruptcy.  He still lives in a property they have rent free and they pay his med insurance, "his" car is in their name and the payment comes out of their account, and they pay the inusurance on it.  Now...I would NEVER trade my life for my bro's.  HIs life sucks.  Most of it is of his own making...but nonetheless, his life stinks even with financial help from my parents.

My family had an emergency last year and we really didn't know how we were going to take care of it.  My mom said "I wish I had the money to help you."  In that split second I was so mad.  I thought...well, you would--if you didn't spend every penny you had on my worthless brother.  Of course...I NEVER said that out loud, and I NEVER expressed that in any non-verbal way to my mom.  My mom doesn't owe me anything...and in fact my mom does quite a few nice things here and there for me and for the kids and so I had a nice little conversation with myself about how I needed to keep my mouth shut and get over myself.  And, get over myself I did.  I can say this though,  it's hard to watch the screw up kid constantly get rewarded with help and money and other types of support.  Sometimes you almost feel penalized for not being a screw up.

Offline luise.volta

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Re: New here, and need to find others in same situation for mainly support
« Reply #2 on: November 06, 2010, 08:24:39 AM »
All I l can think of is that you gave it your best shot. I can't see where you can make any headway in those circumstances and you are paying too high a price, personally. It seems to me that you need to turn toward repairing the damage that has been done to you. Sending love...
« Last Edit: November 06, 2010, 02:02:30 PM by luise.volta »
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline JaneF

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Re: New here, and need to find others in same situation for mainly support
« Reply #3 on: November 06, 2010, 01:36:13 PM »
Thank you for your kind words. I think you are absolutely correct, but it does sadden me a great deal. I cannot change my kids, I tried to raise them better than that but ultimately they make their own choices now. I still love them, but they have no sense of boundaries...I need to set those boundaries to keep myself healthy. I will always hope the best for my grandchildren of course, they will be the ones to suffer the most. Glad to have found this web site. Jane

Offline Pen

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Re: New here, and need to find others in same situation for mainly support
« Reply #4 on: November 06, 2010, 02:26:17 PM »
Welcome, Jane. I'm sorry you need us, but glad you're here. Please take care of yourself.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Offline luise.volta

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Re: New here, and need to find others in same situation for mainly support
« Reply #5 on: November 06, 2010, 02:37:56 PM »
And please make this your home away from home. Pretty soon you'll be helping others!  :)
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline JaneF

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Re: New here, and need to find others in same situation for mainly support
« Reply #6 on: November 06, 2010, 09:01:18 PM »
Thanks again all for your responses. I will survive, I still have my grandaughter and we need to be healthy and stable to continue to raise her. She is a joy. I do think at times that I should not be raising kids anymore, I raised mine! However, I would not and could not ever turn away my grandchildren if they need me. She is very, very close to her "papa", and I am glad, it has made her a happy, caring, well behaved child. I had to tell grandson tonite that his mother was coming after him tomorrow, and he is sad. She had said she was coming Tuesday after school, but suddenly with no warning or explanation she changes the plan. My grandson said to me as I was tucking him in bed that his friend "Logan" would be disappointed because he was expecting to be able to say goodbye at school. I almost cried like a baby at his disappointment. I am glad I spent the day with the kids doing fun stuff. We got papas birthday gift bought, the kids chose a funny musical card for him, then we bought silly ink pens and ear muffs and gloves, and we had lunch out together. I look forward to hearing about the other issues on this web site, and I hope I can offer help in areas where I've experienced those things. Blessings to you all. Jane

Offline luise.volta

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Re: New here, and need to find others in same situation for mainly support
« Reply #7 on: November 06, 2010, 09:02:51 PM »
Thanks for becoming part of the "family."  :)
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

barelythere

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Re: New here, and need to find others in same situation for mainly support
« Reply #8 on: November 06, 2010, 09:04:44 PM »
Thanks again all for your responses. I will survive, I still have my grandaughter and we need to be healthy and stable to continue to raise her. She is a joy. I do think at times that I should not be raising kids anymore, I raised mine! However, I would not and could not ever turn away my grandchildren if they need me. She is very, very close to her "papa", and I am glad, it has made her a happy, caring, well behaved child. I had to tell grandson tonite that his mother was coming after him tomorrow, and he is sad. She had said she was coming Tuesday after school, but suddenly with no warning or explanation she changes the plan. My grandson said to me as I was tucking him in bed that his friend "Logan" would be disappointed because he was expecting to be able to say goodbye at school. I almost cried like a baby at his disappointment. I am glad I spent the day with the kids doing fun stuff. We got papas birthday gift bought, the kids chose a funny musical card for him, then we bought silly ink pens and ear muffs and gloves, and we had lunch out together. I look forward to hearing about the other issues on this web site, and I hope I can offer help in areas where I've experienced those things. Blessings to you all. Jane

Blessings Jane... :'(

LaurieS

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Re: New here, and need to find others in same situation for mainly support
« Reply #9 on: November 06, 2010, 10:48:33 PM »
How sad that this child's mother can not step up and do what might be best for her own baby. Such as excuse herself from his rearing.  Yes, Logan will be disappointed.. how incredibly sweet your grandson is to still be thinking of others.  Children deserve better.  I have to wonder why children's services has not intervened and removed this child from her.... abusing drugs, welfare fraud.. what more does the state need?  Sadly you have to ask, what kind of a life will this child have when all is said and done. 

What loving grandparents you and your husband are ... I knew a couple, pretty much in the same boat as you... Their dd had her first child when she was very young and the grandparents raised her, as the dd went off to destroy her own life.. While doing so she had 3 additional kids by 3 different men.  Last I heard directly from the daughter is that she intended to have more children, in part because her parents begged her not to and also because babies love you unconditionally.  The grandparents could not physically or financially take on all of her children and were forced to make what had to be a very hard decision... how the story ended I don't  know..

I'm sure you've entertained the idea of no longer providing aid, unless the children were living with you.  Would your daughter ever consider relinquishing her parental rights?

Offline Pen

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Re: New here, and need to find others in same situation for mainly support
« Reply #10 on: November 07, 2010, 02:40:33 AM »
So sad. What's best for the children is not what happens in so many cases. I'm in awe of GPs who raise their GC. What a wonderful thing.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Offline JaneF

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Re: New here, and need to find others in same situation for mainly support
« Reply #11 on: November 07, 2010, 03:51:59 AM »
Laund this man taught her a new trick. rie, funny you should mention what else family services might need in order to step in!!! You won't believe what I will tell you next. Around 15 months ago my dd was living with yet ANOTHER MAN (while still married to her husband), and this man taught her a new trick...using drugs via needles, as he was a needle user. This new man had a father (notice I said HAD!!!) that also was a serious drug abuser (crack mostly). This father was at a "party" at my dd's rental (in yet another town!), and the main entertainment that night was DRUGS! My two grandsons were present at the time, and they were 6 years old and just turned 1 year old at the time. Well...the father did too many drugs, overdosed, and basically his heart blew up, he DIED in dd's house on the spot! I found out, called family services lady to see what could be done for the kids safety, guess what??? NOTHING. There was not even an investigation! I called hotline on dd one other time, same issue again (drugs in home etc). This was about 5 years ago I'd guess and in another town of course...my daughter called me laughing (not knowing it was me that hotlined her) and said family services had called to WARN them they would be coming to their home for investigation in 3 hours time, so my dd and her husband had enough time to clear house, clean and clean up grandson too, nothing was found by familyt services on their visit (of course). It's a wonder I am still fairly sane. She would never relinquish her rights to the boys. I do have gd legally, so she is safe. Now in a different town, a different guy (her rehab jewel of a man with several felonies), and here my grandsons go again.  :(

Offline luise.volta

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Re: New here, and need to find others in same situation for mainly support
« Reply #12 on: November 07, 2010, 08:23:39 AM »
At least you have your GD. I know that doesn't help the boys but I don't see a way to do that.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

LaurieS

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Re: New here, and need to find others in same situation for mainly support
« Reply #13 on: November 07, 2010, 12:46:42 PM »
I would not give her one penny for the boys.. I know that it would be hard but if you didn't and continued to report her sorry butt.. maybe she'll get tired of the kids and relinquish them.  Not that I would wish death on anyone, but can you get it set up so the kids will automatically come to you when she finally overdoses?  I know this is your daughter but in my eyes those boys would be better off motherless.

Offline luise.volta

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Re: New here, and need to find others in same situation for mainly support
« Reply #14 on: November 07, 2010, 01:37:23 PM »
They already are.  :'(
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama