Author Topic: ive got her number  (Read 7513 times)

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erma

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ive got her number
« on: November 04, 2010, 03:16:41 PM »
well, another day, another dollar, SPENT!  if any of you have read my posts on small breakthrough, well, it was just that. small and insignificant. ds and i went shopping for dil's birthday present, together. we met at the mall, ds picked the item dil had instructed him to purchase, i paid for it. off ds went! that short, no thank you from dil, no nothing. we have emailed a couple times last week about an event that's going on this weekend. she didn't say either way if ds and her were going to be able to make it with gc. so i called ds at work this am to ask about the event. "no, we cant make it'  ok, ill let them know. i hung up. 
so i guess since she got her b-day present, she doesn't feel the need to talk to me or thank us for that matter. rude, just rude. dil seems to act like she wants to be around us, only when her b-day is coming, or the holidays are coming. this has happened before, she tolerates us until she gets a gift, money, what ever, then just cuts us off. i thought we were past this maybe not.
SIGH!!!!   onward and upward........ right??    :-X :-X :-X ??? ??? ??? :-\ :-\ :-\

LaurieS

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Re: ive got her number
« Reply #1 on: November 04, 2010, 03:22:00 PM »
It doesn't make you want to play nice does it Erma

Offline luise.volta

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Re: ive got her number
« Reply #2 on: November 04, 2010, 03:24:00 PM »
It's so hard to get that works for her. How disgusting! Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

erma

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Re: ive got her number
« Reply #3 on: November 04, 2010, 03:27:23 PM »
no, not at all.  but this year for Christmas, dh and i made a pact, and a budget, and we will stick to it! except for gc, i just cant have a budget for gc.   ::)  i am keeping my mouth shut though. and im not compromising myself either.  :D
that's progress for me!

Tara

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Re: ive got her number
« Reply #4 on: November 04, 2010, 03:29:39 PM »
I'm sorry that your having to deal with this.

On the other hand as a newbie, I appreciate what you said about keeping your mouth shut and not compromising
yourself.  Those are two big lessons for me. 8)

Eva

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Re: ive got her number
« Reply #5 on: November 04, 2010, 03:57:22 PM »
Erma sorry to hear that.
What did you learn today?
Lesson one-if you pay for a b-present for DIL , do not give it to your son,
take it home to wrap it and make arrangement for get together,
that you and your husband will get b-present  to DIL personally

that was is working for us...

for me -lesson one
my son say no presents for him and girls for Christmas and I will respect that,
inviting him and whole family to a restaurant
is degrading my self down b/c he will say NO anyway
so today I wrote  check for $200 as a donation for our hospital

erma

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Re: ive got her number
« Reply #6 on: November 04, 2010, 04:13:03 PM »
no, it just reconfirms what we already know about her. and that she has no plans to change.  however, i can change. i have changed. and i am not her doormat. next year, im going by the anne landers method. or maybe ill conveniently forget.  :o

Tara

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Re: ive got her number
« Reply #7 on: November 04, 2010, 04:23:05 PM »
Erma,  what is the Ann Landers method?

Tara

erma

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Re: ive got her number
« Reply #8 on: November 04, 2010, 04:35:40 PM »
she says "no gift giving if the recipients don't reply with a thank you"

1Glitterati

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Re: ive got her number
« Reply #9 on: November 04, 2010, 06:22:28 PM »
Wow...no thank you at all?  That's incredibly tacky.  Not even  your son saying "Oh, btw, dil said thanks so much for the gift."  Not that that's really acceptable...but it would be something.

If you never get a thank you...I'd never do more than a card, if that.

justdontunderstand

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Re: ive got her number
« Reply #10 on: November 04, 2010, 06:22:57 PM »
 Erma,

You definitely got her number! Dare we say it is a ZERO in the common courtesy category? So many times many of us MIL's just want the same level of common courtesy one would extend to an acquaintance (much less family).  That courtesy is denied us by our DIL's. Why is the ever present question.

 Some of the things our DIL has forgiven in her friends make my head snap back yet we get guillotined for things we didn't even do.  Our DIL is prompt and courteous with thank you's to friends. She is quick to inconvenience herself on their behalf. Never once has she inconvenienced herself for us or for that matter even inquired about our health when we were facing health issues. We know she knows how to be a good friend and could be kind/thoughtful toward us--we just know she doesn't want to be. Again, why is the ever present question. 

barelythere

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Re: ive got her number
« Reply #11 on: November 04, 2010, 06:30:19 PM »
Dear Erma,
I was sad when I read that you got her number but you know what?  You do have her number and forewarned is forearmed.  You have been "warned" and now it's up to you what you do in my opinion.  You have to play this game with her to be able to see your son and grandchild.  I know how this feels so I know what is going on.

Try to play the game while all the time knowing what is going on, expecting nothing from her, not even a thank you.  People like this are users and also, with your DIL, it seems like she doesn't have a lot of sense when it comes to polite manners.  She might not know she's supposed to say thank you.  I know that sounds nuts but some don't. 

Just go in now knowing what is going on.  Put a little note in your heart that nothing can hurt you anymore, not even her.  It might take some time, years in my case, but snap your fingers when you start expecting something from her so you will recognize that she will not/cannot give it. :'(

justdontunderstand

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Re: ive got her number
« Reply #12 on: November 04, 2010, 06:40:47 PM »
I just wanted to share a little item I am trying. It is an old behavior modification technique a professor had us try when I was in college (150 years ago  ;).

I have put a rubber band around my wrist. When I get into that thought process that brings about my  negative thinking that ends up making me very sad, I pop the rubberband and say "SNAP OUT OF IT!"

My trigger thoughts are things like , "Oh why us?, Why do we have this problem?, What did we do?  Things will never change. She hates us ------blah blah blah " ;)

So far this simple thing is helping me catch how many times a day, I am thinking thoughts that just lead me to a place I don't want to visit much less live!

barelythere

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Re: ive got her number
« Reply #13 on: November 04, 2010, 06:49:18 PM »
I just wanted to share a little item I am trying. It is an old behavior modification technique a professor had us try when I was in college (150 years ago  ;).

I have put a rubber band around my wrist. When I get into that thought process that brings about my  negative thinking that ends up making me very sad, I pop the rubberband and say "SNAP OUT OF IT!"

My trigger thoughts are things like , "Oh why us?, Why do we have this problem?, What did we do?  Things will never change. She hates us ------blah blah blah " ;)

So far this simple thing is helping me catch how many times a day, I am thinking thoughts that just lead me to a place I don't want to visit much less live!

JDU!!
I am too!  Not the rubber band but a thought in my head that I put.  I wish I could phrase it better but you know what I mean.  It's like a click, "stop it, this is my life and I'm going to enjoy it.  I was loved before and I still am".

I am still stunned that when I get with others how much more fun I'm having now. When I think of the past and how I tried everything and almost lost my mind doing it I look back and feel sorry for that lady (me).   I honestly think I was having a breakdown of some sort when all this was going on at first.  It hurts so much but I know I was fine before all this happened to us.

I don't do the rubber band but I do the click in my head so we're sisters in that!  :)

Tara

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Re: ive got her number
« Reply #14 on: November 04, 2010, 07:57:46 PM »
I like the Behavior mod and mindfulness techniques.  Coming back to the present moment, wonderful moment again and again, instead of living in the past or the past projected on the future.  When I get in a 'state' about my kid I will try to remember to get out a rubber band!

I am remembering that one of my dtr in laws doesn't thank me for gifts.  Its confusing.  When she got her MBA in college while working full time and being a mom I wanted to let her know that I honored that and sent her a necklace, its not that it cost a lot, but I took sometime to pick it out for her.   It was never acknowledged.  Also my son doesn't say thank you for gifts, I always have to ask if he got the present I sent.  I have talked with him about this and I am sending him a gift card and card for his bday this year and if he doesn't acknowledge (I've told him a text message would be fine ;- ) , I'm going with what 1Glitterati says:  next year just a card.  To me it is not just about 'good manners' but the acknowledgement of the gift completes the circle of giving.  My son is tough to buy for, near impossible as he is wealthy and buys anything he wants himself (and is picky about what he wears or has as a possession)   

With my dtr in law I have assumed that because her  culture is different than mine,  a then maybe that is how it is handled in her family or culture.  I don't assume bad things necessarily, but certainly lack of intimacy.  It is disappointing though.  I sent my gd a really wonderful photo book  of her time with us this summer (from my photos but made by  shutterfly) and never heard back that she got it.  Finally a couple of months later  I called my DIL and left a 'check in' message and also asked if  gd got the book I made and she and then she and  my  gd called back and and I got to talk to them and know she got it and she also thanked me.  It made me happy.

We are getting into the thick of Xmas giving which I think is a bit twisted in this country and am very appreciative to talk about and hear others experiences re:  these issues.