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Control Issues

Started by tryingmybest, November 04, 2010, 12:26:20 pm

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tryingmybest

I have come to terms with  the fact that I no longer have control over my son's life, what I am finding amazing is how much control he is giving to his wife. She has decided they have too many things so he is selling something that was very precious to him, and that he owned before the marriage. when he came over this week-end he parroted the party line almost exactly. I got nervous about this woman before they were married when I noticed she would text him over 100 times a day, especially when he was with us, and she wasn't here with him. It was constant and exhausting. It's almost like "Stockholm Syndrome", when the captive gets all emotionally bound with his captor. I was admiring a painting job he had done, she arrived to say loudly "I let him pick out the color." :o

It was as though the point had to be made, she called every shot.

luise.volta

That is so sad and so limiting. When our DSs hormones are raging, they can't see the difference between partnership and dominance. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

elsieshaye

Having been married myself to someone that controlling, I have to say that it's unfortunately nothing that you can save him from or help him with, which I definitely understand is extremely painful to watch.
This too shall pass.  All is well.

LaurieS

One day he may learn to control  his own life.

luise.volta

I think that sometimes the transition from a controlling mother (who originally needed to control to protect) to a wife who has no business being given control is one that can be very confusing for young adult males. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

erma


QuoteI think that sometimes the transition from a controlling mother (who originally needed to control to protect) to a wife who has no business being



"Control" = influence, regulate, restrain    and    "Protect" = cover, sheild, deffend 
these are two completely different meanings,
i know for me, i still want to protect my children. even though they are grown, but i still have that instinct, but i do not have and instinct to control.  i will cover, sheild, and deffend my children from harm, but i no longer influence, regulate or restrain my children.
so i need to dissagree with that statement.    :)


luise.volta

You may have missed my intent. I will rewrite it:

I think that sometimes the transition from a mother who originally needed to control to protect...to a wife who has no business being given control is one that can be very confusing for young adult males. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Eva

today in counseling I learned something new
I never lied to my children when they were growing up
I think lie is bad and I raised to much trusty person
I asked my son when we could see our 2 GDs and
he said is up to me
if I am nice and make some amends to him and his new wife,
first I have to come to him and her then he will decide but
he said to me DIL wanted nothing to do with me
b/c I HURTED  her very badly from day one that
first Christmas 2 years ago (our son, she and her 2 kids were in our house)
I supposedly told DIL that I wanted our son and his ex together and
that I knew in my heart that in the future they will end up together....

I was just speechless, it never happened, we never talk about son's ex..
so that is her manipulation
I welcomed DIL and her 2 kids  in our home with open heart
from day one Dil was conning us :-[
son also said to me that they are afraid if I see a bruises on his girls
I would call social services on him again and  he do not want that...
and if I take him to court he would moved out and they go into hiding...

so I decided to step back,
no more counseling it is going nowhere
b/c every time he brings new lie...

and I am not taking him to court for visitations
at least I know where our GDs are
and other people from family are there for them

1Glitterati

Eva...I think lying is one of the worst things a person can do.  Stealing is another.  I don't think we should have to have liars or thieves in our lives or tolerate their behavior.

Your son should be much more worried about school personnel seeing bruises on the kids.  They HAVE to call if the child says the bruise was from a parent.  They don't have a choice.  If the girls told them that "they fell" and the teacher didn't believe it...they would call then, too.  Hopefully school personnel is going to be on their toes and catch if anything goes down.  Yes, it's after the fact, but it's better than nothing.

luise.volta

Honestly, Eva, I don't know what else you could do. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Eva

thank you Luise and 1 Glitterati
you both help me a lot and
other "girls" here help me too, it is learning from others pain

it is so nice of you Luise
that you have this web page
so we can find a place to find inner peace



luise.volta

You're welcome, Eva. All of you are the life-blood of this forum and continue to make it the success it is.  :)
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

LaurieS

Quote from: Eva on November 05, 2010, 04:10:28 pm

that they are afraid if I see a bruises on his girls
I would call social services on him again


Dang (being polite for Luise) right I'd call social services if I thought anyone was being abused.  A child, grandchild, elderly person, etc.. no one should ever have to live that way.   

But of course to try and make his point  he exaggerated and tried to make it sound like you would over react for any reason.  This is quite a weak mans way of coming up with what  could be unqualified excuses.

luise.volta

Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama