Author Topic: When do you give up on a daughter that hates you?  (Read 26122 times)

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Renet

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When do you give up on a daughter that hates you?
« on: November 01, 2010, 07:23:49 PM »
I am not alone, I see that by reading post on here........I am not even sure what to say other than this a pain I face every day.  I kept thinking as she matured, married, and had children she could somehow find a love for me....she can not.
My mother did not love me.  I was illegitimate...I tried to please her into liking me until the day she died (when I was 30).   I was so determined to be a better mother than she was....  I was.  My four children were my world.  Sadly when they were 12, 10, 8, and 10 months old I lost their dad to brain damage as the result of an accident at work.....He became violent and abusive.  To protect my children I divorced him and then struggled on my own for 4 years until I met a wonderful man who loved me and my children.  My oldest daughter was 14....That's when she changed..... Her siblings love their step dad and he has raised them as his own.  He is a good man.  Her dad slowly got better and eventually married.  He never gave his children the time of day.... I think she longed for that.  And although she will admit leaving him was the best thing...I think she still hates me because I did.  I did not ask for spousal support, even though I had never worked, I did not ask for half of his pension, and I even choose far less for child support than what the state gives....All I wanted was the house which was not even worth that much 20 years ago....I saw to it that he would be ok, above even myself.....and the kids..I felt in doing so we would be blessed and would be ok.  When she turned 25 I took her to lunch.  She verbally vomited on me.  Told me everything I had ever done wrong and that she never wanted her children around me.  I was blindsided.  I had no idea she hated me or why...I sat there with tears spilling into my lunch and felt my heart break.....She had met a wonderful young man by then and they were soon married..... We shopped for a wedding dress, and she was cold towards men.  As we  shopped for her flowers and other things she remained that way.....The night of her wedding her husband family put her up in a hotel close to where they were getting married....but an hour away from our home....She spent that last night with them.....I love her in-laws, they are good, good people.  My daughter's husband and all his siblings are adopted and his mother is an amazing mother.  I have never been jealous of his parents, but they spend every holiday and celebration with them.  We live in Oregon, my daughter in S. Cal. and her inlaws in Missouri.  They are wealthy and can afford to fly the kids out there and they do.  Although my son in law makes a great deal of money, we too have offered to fly them here.  They do not come.   When my grandaughter was born my daughter called me afterwords.  When their son was born last year....She asked her mother-in-law to be there "because all of her children were adopted she had never experienced the birth of baby."  I was devastated but never let on to my daughter and just told her how proud I was that she was so thoughtful of her mother-in-law.  My daughter did not even tell me when she went in.  I got a text on my phone telling me "he is here."  I have tried over and over again to be loving, kind and thoughtful to my daughter.  It makes no difference.  She is incredibly critical of everything I do.....  Two weeks ago I learned they were going once again to her in laws for the blessing of a new baby of my son in laws sister.  Of course his mother got to be there for that....And yet my daughter and her husband could not even come to my son's first child's blessing and they live 4 hours apart.....(When this son was married, my daughter came but her husband "could not get away from work")  Even at that, I have never said a thing or expressed that her actions are hurtful......So fast forward.....I found out they were going to her inlaws....So I wrote her and invited her for Thanksgiving because her little sister would be home from college....She told me that would not work for them.   The day before they left was their oldest 4th birthday....I called several times but trued to nature, my daughter never answered.  I left a message for my grandaughter telling her I hoped she lik her present.....I heard nothing.  I kept trying to call and finally got a return call from my daughter.  I knew she was at her inlaws.....I asked to speak to my grandaughter....And she attacked me.....telling me she was not there and why did I not call her on her birthday....I was in shock (I don't ever get use to her anger towards me that comes from no where)  As I tried to explain that I had called and that we had gone to the show later in the day...She angerliy asked me "did I not take my cell phone with me..."  I have had it.  I can do it anymore.  I told her.  "I am not doing this with you anymore, good bye."  And hung up.   I do not want to spend the rest of my life trying to get her to love me just like it was with my mother.  I have a great relationship with my 3 other adult children.  When my son's baby was born he asked me to come and be with him and his wife, even though her mother would be there too.  He knew how much his sister had hurt me. It was wonderful, but does not make the pain go away from what his sister had done......   I do not ever want to talk to her again.  I love her little ones but she does not have them call me nor does she answer her phone when I call to talk to them......They have wonderful grandparents....and I am ok with that.  My daughter has also picked up a relationship with her dad and dotes on him and his new wife (who she could not stand)..... 
I do not plan on calling her for Thanksgiving nor do I plan on calling her for Christmas. I am not sending them anything.  And I am ok with that......It makes me sad for her, and for her little ones...I am a good person, a good mother and a really good grandma....I am sad that she will not have me in her life.......................It breaks my heart........but I do not know what else to do.......I realize now, she is never going to change.................and I have no idea what I did to her..........................

barelythere

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Re: When do you give up on a daughter that hates you?
« Reply #1 on: November 01, 2010, 07:45:30 PM »
I am not alone, I see that by reading post on here........I am not even sure what to say other than this a pain I face every day.  I kept thinking as she matured, married, and had children she could somehow find a love for me....she can not.
My mother did not love me.  I was illegitimate...I tried to please her into liking me until the day she died (when I was 30).   I was so determined to be a better mother than she was....  I was.  My four children were my world.  Sadly when they were 12, 10, 8, and 10 months old I lost their dad to brain damage as the result of an accident at work.....He became violent and abusive.  To protect my children I divorced him and then struggled on my own for 4 years until I met a wonderful man who loved me and my children.  My oldest daughter was 14....That's when she changed..... Her siblings love their step dad and he has raised them as his own.  He is a good man.  Her dad slowly got better and eventually married.  He never gave his children the time of day.... I think she longed for that.  And although she will admit leaving him was the best thing...I think she still hates me because I did.  I did not ask for spousal support, even though I had never worked, I did not ask for half of his pension, and I even choose far less for child support than what the state gives....All I wanted was the house which was not even worth that much 20 years ago....I saw to it that he would be ok, above even myself.....and the kids..I felt in doing so we would be blessed and would be ok.  When she turned 25 I took her to lunch.  She verbally vomited on me.  Told me everything I had ever done wrong and that she never wanted her children around me.  I was blindsided.  I had no idea she hated me or why...I sat there with tears spilling into my lunch and felt my heart break.....She had met a wonderful young man by then and they were soon married..... We shopped for a wedding dress, and she was cold towards men.  As we  shopped for her flowers and other things she remained that way.....The night of her wedding her husband family put her up in a hotel close to where they were getting married....but an hour away from our home....She spent that last night with them.....I love her in-laws, they are good, good people.  My daughter's husband and all his siblings are adopted and his mother is an amazing mother.  I have never been jealous of his parents, but they spend every holiday and celebration with them.  We live in Oregon, my daughter in S. Cal. and her inlaws in Missouri.  They are wealthy and can afford to fly the kids out there and they do.  Although my son in law makes a great deal of money, we too have offered to fly them here.  They do not come.   When my grandaughter was born my daughter called me afterwords.  When their son was born last year....She asked her mother-in-law to be there "because all of her children were adopted she had never experienced the birth of baby."  I was devastated but never let on to my daughter and just told her how proud I was that she was so thoughtful of her mother-in-law.  My daughter did not even tell me when she went in.  I got a text on my phone telling me "he is here."  I have tried over and over again to be loving, kind and thoughtful to my daughter.  It makes no difference.  She is incredibly critical of everything I do.....  Two weeks ago I learned they were going once again to her in laws for the blessing of a new baby of my son in laws sister.  Of course his mother got to be there for that....And yet my daughter and her husband could not even come to my son's first child's blessing and they live 4 hours apart.....(When this son was married, my daughter came but her husband "could not get away from work")  Even at that, I have never said a thing or expressed that her actions are hurtful......So fast forward.....I found out they were going to her inlaws....So I wrote her and invited her for Thanksgiving because her little sister would be home from college....She told me that would not work for them.   The day before they left was their oldest 4th birthday....I called several times but trued to nature, my daughter never answered.  I left a message for my grandaughter telling her I hoped she lik her present.....I heard nothing.  I kept trying to call and finally got a return call from my daughter.  I knew she was at her inlaws.....I asked to speak to my grandaughter....And she attacked me.....telling me she was not there and why did I not call her on her birthday....I was in shock (I don't ever get use to her anger towards me that comes from no where)  As I tried to explain that I had called and that we had gone to the show later in the day...She angerliy asked me "did I not take my cell phone with me..."  I have had it.  I can do it anymore.  I told her.  "I am not doing this with you anymore, good bye."  And hung up.   I do not want to spend the rest of my life trying to get her to love me just like it was with my mother.  I have a great relationship with my 3 other adult children.  When my son's baby was born he asked me to come and be with him and his wife, even though her mother would be there too.  He knew how much his sister had hurt me. It was wonderful, but does not make the pain go away from what his sister had done......   I do not ever want to talk to her again.  I love her little ones but she does not have them call me nor does she answer her phone when I call to talk to them......They have wonderful grandparents....and I am ok with that.  My daughter has also picked up a relationship with her dad and dotes on him and his new wife (who she could not stand)..... 
I do not plan on calling her for Thanksgiving nor do I plan on calling her for Christmas. I am not sending them anything.  And I am ok with that......It makes me sad for her, and for her little ones...I am a good person, a good mother and a really good grandma....I am sad that she will not have me in her life.......................It breaks my heart........but I do not know what else to do.......I realize now, she is never going to change.................and I have no idea what I did to her..........................

Renet, I am so sorry. I think your daughter is learning the hard way that going after money leaves you empty when all is said and done.  I feel like she will be back one day with her heart broken.  Don't know why but I do.  I think you made a great choice in just stopping the insanity.  Hearts sent to you.... :'(

LaurieS

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Re: When do you give up on a daughter that hates you?
« Reply #2 on: November 01, 2010, 07:59:23 PM »
Hi Renet and welcome

You'll find here that many woman are facing problems that are similar to yours.  You will be accepted here unconditionally for who you are.

I feel like the statue of liberty holding a torch and saying, Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free.  I guess we are our own statue of liberty on this site as we welcome everyone who has a need or a contribution to make. 

You have  already made the hardest decision and that was to take the step back.  Letting your daughter go.  You gave her the best upbringing and life possible, you thought of her needs before your own, nothing more can be asked of you.  It's time to stop allowing  her to take from you the happiness that is yet to come with your other children and grandchildren. She will come back into your life or she won't, either way you have decided on what your bottom line is and you're standing firm.

It sounds to me like you've done exceptionally well as a single mother of four.  And then to have someone come into your life who has the heart to love your kids, how lucky you are.

suzanne

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Re: When do you give up on a daughter that hates you?
« Reply #3 on: November 01, 2010, 08:36:47 PM »
Wow, Renet, I could have authored your post!  Almost.  Very similar situations, but truly identical feelings.  I have no idea what I've done either.   I can't understand how I raised such a unforgiving child.  Whatever on earth her reasons are, mine won't even talk about it - give it the time of day - answer the phone, or even read my correspondence to her.  Last May she decided I couldn't talk to my grandbabies (ages 8 & 12) anymore either.  I still have no idea why, so I completely understand your heartache, heartbreak and confusion.  I too have decided I've had enough, as every attempt to reach out to her  just ended in more confusion, tears, puffy eyes....etc.  All I can tell you is it does make me feel better to know I'm not the only one!  It's embarrassing and humiliating to admit to people that my daughter wants nothing to do with me.  So far, my only consolation is knowing I'm not alone (thanks to this website, which BTY, I've never posted on) and trusting that God will work it all for good for those who love Him.  And I do love Him.  But it still hurts.  xo

Offline luise.volta

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Re: When do you give up on a daughter that hates you?
« Reply #4 on: November 01, 2010, 08:45:16 PM »
People make choices. We aren't to blame for that. They are. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline Pen

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Re: When do you give up on a daughter that hates you?
« Reply #5 on: November 01, 2010, 10:40:04 PM »
Welcome, Renet. You have support and comfort along your healing path here. Sometimes that journey takes us 2 forward, 1 back, or in my case sometimes 1 forward and 2 back. But, we find strength here to take care of ourselves 'cos that's all we can do. We learn we can't change anyone else (darn it all.) Best wishes to you.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Offline Pooh

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Re: When do you give up on a daughter that hates you?
« Reply #6 on: November 02, 2010, 06:22:33 AM »
Welcome Renet and you will drive yourself bonkers trying to "understand".  You can't understand what isn't understandable.  Good for you for taking a stand and saying I don't deserve this.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

shadow75071

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Re: When do you give up on a daughter that hates you?
« Reply #7 on: November 02, 2010, 12:51:12 PM »
Renet,
I too am going through the same thing as you & Suzanne except it is with my son.  I too question how I raised such an unforgiving child.  I have been going to counseling, which is helping tremendously, and I am learning to quit blaming myself for the decisions and actions that he has made and continues to make.

 I found and purchased a book titled "When Parents Hurt" by Joshua Coleman.  The best place to purchase this book is on Amazon.  I highly recommend this book for any parent/grandparent that is going through these same circumstances.  It is quite enlightening and can help give you some insight and possible understanding.

I wish you and your family the best!


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Re: When do you give up on a daughter that hates you?
« Reply #8 on: November 02, 2010, 04:19:32 PM »
I have a friend who read that book and then did some very helpful phone consults with the author.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

suzanne

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Re: When do you give up on a daughter that hates you?
« Reply #9 on: November 06, 2010, 07:42:51 PM »
I'm going to track down the book "Parents in Pain".  I love books!  Thanks for the recommendation.  I appreciate it.  Suzanne......

Tara

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Re: When do you give up on a daughter that hates you?
« Reply #10 on: November 07, 2010, 07:43:39 PM »
I was wondering what the approach of the book:  "When Parents Hurt" is?

dablacks

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Re: When do you give up on a daughter that hates you?
« Reply #11 on: November 10, 2010, 05:00:51 AM »
Renet,
I feel like I am reading about myself.  What joy to know that WE are not the cause of our kids screwed up sense of responsibility toward their mothers.  I often wonder why they treat their mothers this way, yet I see very few remarks that the kids treat the fathers this way. Very interesting to say the least.
Sending a great big hug to all this morning, I have read a lot and feel confident facing the day ?

Marilyn

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Re: When do you give up on a daughter that hates you?
« Reply #12 on: November 10, 2010, 11:29:19 AM »
I just read another really good book also.A counselor told me to read this years ago,i looked for it and didn't find it........then forgot about it.I stumbled across it a couple of weeks ago and bought it............really wished i would of read it sooner.I have always been naive and too trusting,believing always be kind and good to people.And the one thing that always tripped me up was "you reap what you sow".... "you get what you think you deserve" is another.This book really helps with that.

Safe people......by Dr.Henry Cloud and Dr.John Townsend

There is a chapter about............Should I Repair or Replace,the relationship.The truth is some relationships are not workable if someone is not willing to change and reconcile.We can forgive,but we cannot reconcile without their willingness.I decided months ago,i was DONE!!! This book,helps reinforce why this is the only option i have.I can truly walk away with no guilt,and know i made the right choice.

Luise has always given the best advice,go on with your life,you can only change yourself.

Lusie,you really,really are an Angel........"A gift from God"..........to each of us who have found WWU.The support here is just wonderful!!!

Offline Barbie

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Re: When do you give up on a daughter that hates you?
« Reply #13 on: November 10, 2010, 11:38:27 AM »
I totally agree. A year ago I didn't think I could come this far.

Mominwaiting, I've thought about you and I'm glad you're back. You sound wonderful. I'm very happy for all the positive things going on in your life right now.
Hugs to you.

Renet

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Re: When do you give up on a daughter that hates you?
« Reply #14 on: November 10, 2010, 11:48:27 AM »
I just ordered both of the books that were recommended......   And you know what I did???  Where I ordered them from is asked if it was a gift, would I liked it wrapped and would I like a note....  I paid the extra 5 bucks on both of them, had them wrapped and then wrote  "Merry Christmas, Love DD."      I am way proud of myself......  8)