Author Topic: hello, not sure where to post  (Read 1996 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

MILiscrazy

  • Guest
hello, not sure where to post
« on: November 01, 2010, 02:54:32 PM »
Hi, I wasn't sure where to post but I am a DIL to a very evil MIL. Lets begin: MIL called me foul names before she met me. She started a rumor that my kids didn't belong to DH (her son) when I was barely pregnant with our first kid. She tried to hit me while I was holding my (then 6month old) child. She has cussed me out infront of several people, including my kids. She yelled at my (then 3yr old) child "I'm you grandmother no matter what anyone say" (even thought she has stated several times that she doesn't believe her son is the father of our kids)! She left our 2 kids inside her house with a couple that she couldn't even tell us thier names, while she went in her back yard with yet another stranger! DH and I banned her from seeing our kids so she hasn't seen them in about 1&1/2 years. Just recently, she contacted MY mother and sister via facebook, giving them her sob story and asking them to send her pictures of OUR kids. So, what do you think my MIL desearves...? She refuses to apologize!
« Last Edit: November 01, 2010, 04:44:21 PM by luise.volta »

catchingup

  • Guest
Re: hello, not sure where to post
« Reply #1 on: November 01, 2010, 03:14:12 PM »
Send her packing!! Oh sorry you have already done so.

Good for you!!!

MILiscrazy

  • Guest
Re: hello, not sure where to post
« Reply #2 on: November 01, 2010, 03:29:09 PM »
My posts won't be too long because I post from my cell. I just wanted to add a little bit more to this. My MIL, along with refusing to apologize, she also thinks she "has not done anything wrong". I do hate the fact that me and my kids can not have a relationship with MIL at all b/c of the way she has done us, I know it hurts my DH but there is only so much a person can take! And I actually feel BAD about keeping my kids from her but I sure don't want them growing up like my DH had to. I love my kids more than anything and I will keep them away from evil ppl like her for thier well being, just like any good mother will do for thier kids :)

catchingup

  • Guest
Re: hello, not sure where to post
« Reply #3 on: November 01, 2010, 03:34:55 PM »
My MIL wanted my husband to visit with my, then first son and him ,without me

Manipulative described her and I refused to allow her evil influence.
Let your husband visit her on his own

LaurieS

  • Guest
Re: hello, not sure where to post
« Reply #4 on: November 01, 2010, 03:48:41 PM »
My posts won't be too long because I post from my cell.
We are talking cell phone right?

MILiscrazy

  • Guest
Re: hello, not sure where to post
« Reply #5 on: November 01, 2010, 04:22:08 PM »
Yes, my cell phone, not a jail cell, lol! I am a member of another site thats geared toward problems will all the ILs and I love all kinds of advice, thats why I decided to also become a member here. So, let me have it, any advice is appriciated :)  Should I or should I not try ONCE AGAIN to have a relationship with my MIL and also have her around my kids? DH decides on his own when HE wants to go see her alone and this year its only been twice, I think? DH aslo does NOT plan on spending thanksgiving or christmas with her.

Offline luise.volta

  • Global Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 8947
  • Luise Volta
    • View Profile
    • Wise Women Unite
Re: hello, not sure where to post
« Reply #6 on: November 01, 2010, 04:43:38 PM »
Please don't use abbreviations for cuss and swear words. If you read the Agreement on our home page, anything that we can figure out is unacceptable. Thanks.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline luise.volta

  • Global Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 8947
  • Luise Volta
    • View Profile
    • Wise Women Unite
Re: hello, not sure where to post
« Reply #7 on: November 01, 2010, 05:05:20 PM »
I know, we all have out favorites but it is an all or nothing at all thing. Otherwise there's no place to draw the line. Some Websites are just disgusting. OK?
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Eva

  • Guest
Re: hello, not sure where to post
« Reply #8 on: November 01, 2010, 05:21:17 PM »
I know it hurts my DH but there is only so much a person can take! And I actually feel BAD about keeping my kids from her but I sure don't want them growing up like my DH had to.

DH and I banned her from seeing our kids so she hasn't seen them in about 1&1/2 years. Just recently, she contacted MY mother and sister via facebook, giving them her sob story and asking them to send her pictures of OUR kids. So, what do you think my MIL desearves...? She refuses to apologize!
----------------------
hi you ask honestly what do we think about your MIL...
let your husband her son call her and talk to her first,
and let him send her pictures of her grandchildren,
let MIL see her kids on neutral field -
supervised by your husband or you in library or McDonald
and observe how she is with kids...
good luck

Offline Scoop

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 666
    • View Profile
Re: hello, not sure where to post
« Reply #9 on: November 02, 2010, 05:52:24 AM »
I agree with Eva.  You're obviously feeling badly and will continue to feel bad until you do something about it.  You can give her another chance without handing your kids over on a silver platter.

Start small, with DH calling and visiting.  He can talk about the kids, but nothing too personal.  Then maybe you can all go out for supper or some activity.  Watch her and see if she's willing to toe the line.  Do NOT let her have access to your kids without you - no one can protect them like you can.

I don't think an apology is ever going to happen.  However, you might be able to have a superficial relationship with her if you can be satisfied that her behaviour will not revert to how it was.

Go slow and if she's sincere, she'll be able to act civilly to you and the kids.  If not, then you'll find out in an environment where you can just leave, or it won't be able to escalate too far because you'll be in public.

Offline Pooh

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 5442
    • View Profile
Re: hello, not sure where to post
« Reply #10 on: November 02, 2010, 06:25:59 AM »
I draw the line at violence and your MIL is violent.  Until she seeks professional help, keep her away!
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

miss_priss

  • Guest
Re: hello, not sure where to post
« Reply #11 on: November 02, 2010, 08:15:09 AM »
I agree with Pooh - there's a certain point you can take verbal mean-ness, gossiping, name-calling....the run-of-the-mill nastiness.  But physical violence towards you should be a HUGE RED FLAG.  I wouldn't let her 100yds. from my children. 

IMHO, situations like this need to be handled with baby steps.  First, she needs to work towards a trusting relationship with her son.  Then, she needs to work towards at least a civil relationship with you.  Once she has established with the parents that she can be trusted again, only then can she have ANY similance of access to the children.  And even that should be closely supervised and monitored. 

Honestly, it could take months or years for this kind of evolution to take place, and it may never happen at all.  We laid these terms out in the sand for my MIL and explained these boundaries and terms to her, and she laughed and said "yeah whatever."  Until she builds some similance of a civil relationship with DH and I, she won't be granted access to our child, plain and simple.  If that takes years or never happens, so be it, but she knows that she will have to swallow her pride and be at least civil to me before she can even touch her grandchild, and that's where she refuses to comply.  I won't knowingly allow abusive and toxic people around my child, family or not.       

I have a MIL much MUCH like yours, so much so that I think we could be describing the same woman.  She really believes that her awful behavior should be "overlooked," simply because she is the "matriarch."  Afterall, her actions are "justified" by her pool of ignorant sympathizers, everything she's done was "only out of protection for her little boy" who is oddly enough 30+ years old. 

DH and I have learned through counseling that we will never be able to change her, but rather we can change how we "handle" her.  We've learned to do so in a way that doesn't break the bond between us, although it wasn't always that way.  LOL - don't expect an apology love, you're likely never going to get it.  Women like these don't see anything wrong with the way they treat others.  Either you can lay down and be their doormat, or you and DH can stand up for yourselves and set some boundaries.  Either way, you and DH have to be a "united front" or it will tear your marriage apart....and she wins.  Be stronger than that.       

Offline Pooh

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 5442
    • View Profile
Re: hello, not sure where to post
« Reply #12 on: November 02, 2010, 08:17:09 AM »
Great advice MP.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline Scoop

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 666
    • View Profile
Re: hello, not sure where to post
« Reply #13 on: November 02, 2010, 09:38:09 AM »
Also - if you're going to post here, you might want to change your screen name.  It might be appropriate for a MIL-bashing site, but here the MIL's are generally nice.  We're all dealing with the same kind of person, so we try to take the labels off, because it's such a hot button issue. 

This is a kinder gentler place.

cremebrulee

  • Guest
Re: hello, not sure where to post
« Reply #14 on: November 02, 2010, 09:48:17 AM »
Hi, I wasn't sure where to post but I am a DIL to a very evil MIL. Lets begin: MIL called me foul names before she met me. She started a rumor that my kids didn't belong to DH (her son) when I was barely pregnant with our first kid. She tried to hit me while I was holding my (then 6month old) child. She has cussed me out infront of several people, including my kids. She yelled at my (then 3yr old) child "I'm you grandmother no matter what anyone say" (even thought she has stated several times that she doesn't believe her son is the father of our kids)! She left our 2 kids inside her house with a couple that she couldn't even tell us thier names, while she went in her back yard with yet another stranger! DH and I banned her from seeing our kids so she hasn't seen them in about 1&1/2 years. Just recently, she contacted MY mother and sister via facebook, giving them her sob story and asking them to send her pictures of OUR kids. So, what do you think my MIL desearves...? She refuses to apologize!

Apologies are nice, but some people really have a problem saying I'm sorry, they say I'm sorry in they're actions....others say "I'm sorry" over and over again, until it is quit obvious they don't mean it, they're saying it, simply b/c they know they're in hot water....but they never change and it isn't sincere.....

I surely would want much more then an apology...I would in fact, demand she go to counseling first....does she know why y ou have cut her off, have you ever told her these things?  Or did you simply cut her off....and if she wants pictures, I would send her pictures, stating, this changes nothing, but you thought she might want them.....

Your MIL sounds like she is in dire need of counseling anyway....so, this might be a trump card for you all, to get her straightened out.  You could tell her if she goes to long term counseling, there may be a chance...but make certain, your both (hubby and you) are together on this and talk to her with both of you present, otherwise she will say that you are evil and you changed her son....