Author Topic: Just need a little pep talk and some advice  (Read 5252 times)

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seafoam

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Just need a little pep talk and some advice
« on: October 31, 2010, 04:53:09 PM »
Just received an email from DS, informing me that DIL doesn't want to spend any time with us, and that he will be spending his vacation time with his wife (and her FOO) in the future.  I don't think he meant it as a final kiss-off, but just as a warning that we shouldn't expect to see him anytime soon.

I am feeling very sad, also feeling very angry toward DS for allowing this.  I toyed with a few simple responses to his email, then decided that nobody on this forum would have approved of my saying anything.  Or at a minimum, you wouldn't have approved of the responses I was crafting.   ;)   I deleted his email as the wisest of all moves.  I am thinking that I need to wait a few weeks to cool down and perk up before I try to discuss this.  Or is it better that I don't ever discuss any of this with DS?  Should I just accept the verdict and get on with my life?   

But ... here is the best part!!!  I am not crying about it, as I used to do.  Just feeling very, very sad.
« Last Edit: November 01, 2010, 12:50:33 PM by seafoam »

1Glitterati

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Re: Just need a little pep talk and some advice
« Reply #1 on: October 31, 2010, 05:02:58 PM »
I think you are right that the best thing to do is just not reply.  Whatever you say, even if it is "I understand" is likely not to get a positive reaction.  If you throw a fit...you have provided a reason to be put at a further distance.  If you say "that's okay" likely you'll be accused of being a martyr.  There really isn't a way to win it...so I vote the no responding as the best option.  If he asks if you got his email specifically.  Just say "yes".

I'm very confused by this topic...is it a regular thing that people vacation with their parents after they marry?  We've been invited on one with mine...which I shot down.  We went on one with Dh's parents...which was really a family reunion type thing...and I can tell you...there isn't enough tea in all of asia for me to ever do that again.  A family vacation isn't anything I would ever invite my grown children on.  An I the one who is abnormal here?
« Last Edit: October 31, 2010, 05:05:19 PM by 1Glitterati »

barelythere

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Re: Just need a little pep talk and some advice
« Reply #2 on: October 31, 2010, 05:07:14 PM »
Just received an email from DS, informing me that DIL doesn't want to spend any time with us, and that he will be spending his vacation time with his wife (and her FOO) in the future.  I don't think he meant it as a final kiss-off, but just as a warning that we shouldn't expect to see him anytime soon.

It's a little more than a little unfair.  DS and DIL spent Christmas 2009 with her FOO, and will spend Christmas 2010 there also.  They also spend at least two weeks every year with her FOO at various cottages or hotels on warm beaches, or on ski vacations, or hiking, etc.  Today's email was in response to our invitation for them to join us for a week's skiing in February.

Background: DIL is a child with psychological problems involving her relationship with her parents (she thinks her parents favor her siblings and don't give her an equal share of stuff), with problems involving money (she can never get enough of it), with problems involving cleanliness (OCD), and with an 'I am the queen: notice me!' attitude.  She has never liked us, has treated us poorly every time there was a meeting between us (4 times in 5 years), and would prefer to avoid all contact.

So now DS informs us that DH and I must wait until DIL gets her head on straight!!!?  Frankly, given what we have been through, I don't expect that to happen...

I am feeling very sad, also feeling very angry toward DS for allowing this.  I toyed with a few simple responses to his email, then decided that nobody on this forum would have approved of my saying anything.  Or at a minimum, you wouldn't have approved of the responses I was crafting.   ;)   I deleted his email as the wisest of all moves.  I am thinking that I need to wait a few weeks to cool down and perk up before I try to discuss this.  Or is it better that I don't ever discuss any of this with DS?  Should I just accept the verdict and get on with my life?   

But ... here is the best part!!!  I am not crying about it, as I used to do.  Just feeling very, very sad.

Seafoam,
I am so sorry!!  I don't know what the perfect answer would be but you're right, to me I would not answer it at all.  I think no answer speaks volumes...I might be wrong but that's what I think.  How hurtful this is and how unfair it is.  I'm glad you're not crying and are dealing with it better.  You (us) do deal with it better when you have blow after blow after blow.  Pretty soon, you think that nothing can hurt you again.  Hoping that for you. :)

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Just need a little pep talk and some advice
« Reply #3 on: October 31, 2010, 05:10:07 PM »
Of course you're feeling sad. It IS sad! My take is that any response from you will be picked apart and criticized...or ignored...(or both.) Good for you for backing off.

That's what I did last week when a member tore into me and then tore our Website apart. I just deleted it. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

barelythere

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Re: Just need a little pep talk and some advice
« Reply #4 on: October 31, 2010, 05:20:09 PM »
Of course you're feeling sad. It IS sad! My take is that any response from you will be picked apart and criticized...or ignored...(or both.) Good for you for backing off.

That's what I did last week when a member tore into me and then tore our Website apart. I just deleted it. Sending love...

I can't imagine how that would feel when you've put an entire site together for Wise Women to use their wiseness and someone tears into you--- but deleting does have its joys!  Obviously she was not wise, so there!

It's unfortunate that we can't delete hurts from family members like the keyboard can.

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Just need a little pep talk and some advice
« Reply #5 on: October 31, 2010, 05:30:03 PM »
That's brilliant! I'm going to paint a Delete Button on me someplace!! Then when I've had it with someone, I'm just going to hit the switch! Wonderful!  ;D 8) ;)
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline Barbie

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Re: Just need a little pep talk and some advice
« Reply #6 on: October 31, 2010, 07:25:07 PM »
Seafoam,
I'm so sorry and I understand how you feel. I hardly ever cry anymore. I think it's best if you can try to go on with your life. Stay strong!
Hugs.

LaurieS

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Re: Just need a little pep talk and some advice
« Reply #7 on: October 31, 2010, 07:35:45 PM »
So now DS informs us that DH and I must wait until DIL gets her head on straight!!!?  Frankly, given what we have been through, I don't expect that to happen...
  You may only have to wait long enough for your son to get his head on straight, which may happen sooner then her.

I probably would have bounced the message back to your son.. then he would have to wonder if you even received it..then he may have to call you and actually speak the words that he found easier to type.

Actually you did the right thing... good for you!

Hope

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Re: Just need a little pep talk and some advice
« Reply #8 on: October 31, 2010, 07:58:56 PM »
Welcome, Seafoam!  Great job not answering your son's email!  Sounds like you're on the right track.  I'm right there with you - what is wrong with people these days?  It's so selfish to disregard your spouse's foo as insignificant just because. 
1Glitterati - every year we go on vacation with my dh's extended family - a group of about 40+ people.  We have an absolute blast and our adult children look forward to joining the group at least part of the week every year.  Our ds/dil enjoy it, too, b/c there are a lot of cousins their age that they hang out with. 
Luise - there's a weirdo in every crowd.  I'm glad you had the good sense to delete the wacko message.  You're a smart cookie!
Hugs, Hope

LaurieS

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Re: Just need a little pep talk and some advice
« Reply #9 on: October 31, 2010, 08:26:31 PM »
Hope that sounds like a blast..... what can 40+ people all agree to do?

Offline Pen

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Re: Just need a little pep talk and some advice
« Reply #10 on: October 31, 2010, 08:36:16 PM »
"Just received an email from DS, informing me that DIL doesn't want to spend any time with us, and that he will be spending his vacation time with his wife (and her FOO) in the future." quote from SF.

Does any time mean in addition to not spending vacation time? Or was it just about vacations together?

Except for the "underdog DIL" dynamic, we've got a similar situation. Like you, SF, we said nothing when we got the word via DS that DIL & her FOO didn't like us and that DIL didn't want to spend time with us, vacation or otherwise. I'm so grateful to whatever power held my tongue! Even when DS came to us and expressed his frustration and extreme irritation at DIL, we told him his wife came first and he had to work it out with her. He vented, we listened and said nothing more. We waited for him to contact us. Since then things have been improving, but very slowly.

My FOO didn't do the IL family vacation either, Glitter, but I know lots and lots of families who do, including DIL's FOO. My DF & his wife travel with her adult children and their children, but we've not been invited on any trips. It sounds like it could be a lot of fun, and it also sounds like there could be a lot of drama, LOL. We've not traveled with DS & DIL but have stayed in the same place at the same time briefly along with other family members, if that makes sense? It was fun, but it had its stressful moments.

Hope, may we join your family???
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Offline Sheen

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Re: Just need a little pep talk and some advice
« Reply #11 on: October 31, 2010, 09:13:39 PM »
Seafoam,

So sorry to hear you received that email, but do think it is in your best interest that you did not respond.  I get so angry when I hear about these kids of ours feeling the need to offically state they are writing us off from their lives . I don't know about anyone else but I honestly can't think of anyone I knew that actually did that back in the day. If they had problems with their families they might not spend much time with them but nobody ever made a huge stand that they were cutting off their contact with them.

I think that bothers me the most over many of the stories on this site. It seems that our children feel the need to inflict as much hurt as they can by announcing that they are alienating themselves from their families and the worst part is they feel no need to either explain their decisions or back them up with fact. Some of them create this whole fantasy horrible childhood they had and how we were  such horrible parents but the problem is that we all seem to of missed that whole thing or have developed such amnesia that we don't remember it.

I am all for our sons and daughters growing up and becoming independent and living their own lives , it is something we all have done. But I wish someone would explain why this generation feel that it is necessary to so totally commit to their significant others that they need to sacrifice their relationships with their own families to keep peace within their new families.  Whatever happen to a joint relationship where the philosphy of dealing with each other's families is just part of a marriage?  As far as I know the dynamics have never changed, they each came into this world with a dad and a mom and family and yet it seems that more and more feel that only theirs is important enough to invest in.  Sorry for the rant, I just get so irritated with all this.   

Offline Nana

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Re: Just need a little pep talk and some advice
« Reply #12 on: November 01, 2010, 02:38:00 AM »
Seafoam

I also would decide to not answer the mail.  Why should you respond to a nasty...cold hearted mail.  If they had decided to alineate you from their life....so let it be.  Nothing to talk about.  You son knows you and knows how you love him...how could he say that to you....and then rub to your face that they will be spending vacations, holidays, whatever with dil's family.  Mean Mean Mean...

Agree with Sheen... sons inflicting so much pain....not need to hurt those who love you so much.  He could have just excuse himself for not being able to spend time with you.  Instead, he let you know....that you would be cut-off.  He is really angry at you.  I would also be very angry with son.

What could you possibly tell him if you answered the mail?  Nothing to win....

Let him...reconsider by himself.....you dont have to beg..... move on

Love
Love is not love Which alters when it alteration finds, Or bends with the remover to remove:
Shakespeare

miss_priss

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Re: Just need a little pep talk and some advice
« Reply #13 on: November 01, 2010, 06:48:08 AM »
I have to ask the same question as 1Glitterati on this one...do a lot of people do that?  Vacation with parents as adults? 

Idunno, we tried it with my FOO just for a weekend trip, it was....meh, it was ok.  I wouldn't say "fun."  There's always that one who has to get their way and do the things they want to do, sounds like your DIL might be that person.  My mom is that person, but strangely enough, so is my MIL.  We tried a long weekend with DH's FOO once too.  And likewise, there isn't enough tea in all of Asia to make me do that again.  It was a miserable time and I felt like an old dirty babydoll being dragged into every store, every bar, every place MIL wanted to go to.  And when DH and I suggested that we might go do something else for a couple hours together without them, I was accused of "hogging" him all to myself (because of course, it was all MY idea), so of course DH then didn't want to break away in order to keep Mommy happy. 

I personally couldn't imagine spending an entire week or longer with my FOO, or his either.  That's just too terrifying.   

Offline Pooh

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Re: Just need a little pep talk and some advice
« Reply #14 on: November 01, 2010, 06:54:14 AM »
Seafoam, I too think you did the right thing by not saying anything.  It is their choice and one you are just going to have to live with.  Hopefully, since your DS said that you were going to have to wait until DIL got her head together, that means he recognizes it is her issue and not you.  Doesn't make it any easier on you and still hurts, but I see that as a positive.

Glitter and MP, I have never invited my grown children on vacation.  We did discuss all of us getting a cabin in the mountains for a weekend one time, but that never panned out.  I think a weekend getaway somewhere is ok, as long as everyone wants to go.  I did vacation with my Ex and his family years ago, but like Hope, there was about 20 of us that went and it was fun.  But I wouldn't have wanted to go with just my MIL and FIL.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell